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-   -   Why can't I cry? (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255754)

faith1020 05-04-2019 07:26 AM

Why can't I cry?
I haven't told anybody but I need to. I was sexually abused by my grandfather for 7 years of my life. He started when I was 7 so I had no idea what he was doing and I didnt say no. Every single time he would bribe me with things until I said yes and by the time I was old enough to understand what was happening I was already conditioned to say yes. Now I cant help but feel like it's my fault. If I had just said no he would have stopped. Why didnt I?
I sometimes feel so disconnected with what happened that I feel like it didnt happen or that it happened to somebody else. Other times I can still feel him and panic. Throughout this all the one thing that I cant seem to do ever is cry for myself. It's like the feelings are right there, wanting to be let out, but I can't. Anybody else I will cry at the drop of a hat but when it's me... I feel like I'm falling apart inside with no way to show it. What's worse is when I cant feel anything at all. I just feel empty and numb. I dont want to do anything and nothing holds my attention.

Pi.R^2 28-04-2019 01:29 PM

Hi there, welcome to RYL. I'm sorry it's taken a while for you get a response to this, it's very quiet around here these days I'm afraid.

This was not your fault. Children can't consent to sex and it also sounds like you were coerced which also means that consent wasn't possible.

Have you ever had any professional help with this? That could be a first step towards processing and moving forwards from the trauma.

faith1020 13-05-2019 08:51 AM

I've never told anyone. I refused to think about for a couple years. I was constantly in denial. Then the dam broke and all the problems that were building up over the years just came out at once. I've been too scared to say anything to ANYONE, including professionals, for a while now. Ive just recently built the courge to talk to online like RAINN or recoveryourlife. It's getting worse and I'm terrified that people wont believe me or that I'm going to break the family apart. I just dont know what to do.

Horizon 15-05-2019 02:37 PM

I'm so sorry about what your grandfather did to you. A child cannot consent to sexual activity of any kind. What your grandfather did was an invasion and taking advantage of a child's trust in him.
You were indeed conditioned to say yes. He groomed you and manipulated you. By the time you begin to question what he's doing, it's only natural that this would confuse you.

"If I had said no he would have stopped." A lot of times, someone sexually abusing a child does not respond to "no", and sometimes the child knows that saying yes might make things go faster/get it over with/ and not anger their abuser, especially since the child may fear angering them with their "no".

I'm glad to hear online resources have been helpful for you (I'v used RAINN online twice and found them very supportive!)

I would encourage seeking out therapy, because this seems to have a (completely understandable) effect on your current life. Sometimes the emotions need help coming to the surface in a safe space, and to be witnessed by a safe person. Sometimes we desperately want to get in touch with those emotions, but our mind has created a disconnect and/or tries to protect us from feeling overwhelmed with the emotion, if that makes sense.

Depending on your age and whether or not you're still in danger, your family would not have to know unless you chose to disclose to them.

Is there anyone in your life - friend, pastor, general practitioner, etc. who you would feel comfortable talking to? Is seeing a therapist something you'd be interested in?

faith1020 06-06-2019 09:51 AM

I am definitely considering talking to a therapist but I'm not in a financially stable place to pay for therapy. I have a constant fear that people are noticing me and judging me, and the makes it hard for me to build up the courage for a job. I might be comfortable talking to one of my friends but its terrifying because I feel like they would treat me differently. I really want to tell my family but I KNOW that my family would be irrevocably changed. We are a very close knit family and I feel like it would be selfish to ruin that.

I am not currently in danger due to the fact that my grandfather lives 18 hours from me but I was told a couple weeks ago that he is getting a vacation home about an hour away from me. This news caused a panic attack which caused me to reach out to RAINN and recoveryourlife. He hasn't tried anything for a couple years now but that might be due to the fact that I rarely see him. That and when I do see him I avoid him. The last time he tried anything I managed to stop him by saying no repeatedly and shutting a door in his face about 2 years ago.

Honestly talking on here is helping me pay attention to my feelings. I have a really bad habit of bottling up my feelings until they spill over and cause a mess. Thank you for talking to me

activebrain 06-06-2019 11:28 AM

How are you doing now? Has your grandfather come yet? I'm really sorry you had to experience that. My situation was with my father so I get the family being changed thing. I finally told my mother and my father that I knew about it and both of them just ignored it completely. So I understand how difficult it would be to tell your family. I hope you are able to get a therapist because that is definitely a good Outlet. If you're not able to, do you have any friends that you're able to talk about these problems with them? I found that the more I shared my problems with various friends in my support system the easier it was just to go to them whenever I needed help with anything. They already know a good majority of what happened and so I don't have to repeat myself every time I talk to them like you do when you get on the hotline. I have found RAINN to be encouraging as well , and I'm glad you're able to utilize that when necessary. Keep us posted as to what happens please. Sending gentle hugs your way and prayers too.

faith1020 07-06-2019 03:30 AM

I'm doing okay right now. I am not doing amazing but my grandfather came and left. I only had to see him once and he didn't try anything. Him coming was causing so much stress and anxiety so I had a couple of really bad weeks. Right now I have been having goodish days and bad days. The bad days are made worse when I have to act like I'm fine. I told one friend once, but she acts like I never told her. I don't know if she is waiting for me to talk to her first but it takes me awhile to build up the courage to talk about it.

I'm sorry to hear about your father and your family's reaction. I'm glad that your friends are there listening and supporting you. Not having someone believe you or dismiss you can be such a hard thing and I'm so sorry that, that happened to you. Just know we are here for you. I'll send gentle hugs and prayers to you too.

Pi.R^2 16-06-2019 05:10 PM

It's definitely possible that your friend is waiting for you to talk to her first. I think people often don't understand that it takes a lot of courage to say "I'm struggling with this" and are waiting for the other person to ask! If you want to talk to her again, I hope you can try to bring it up with her. Would sending a message feel easier than trying to bring it up in person?

It's really thoughtful of you to not want to upset your family by telling them, but don't forget that you have just as much right to consideration as they have. I know it would be a big decision to tell your family, but it could be worth considering, especially if they might be able to help with the costs of therapy.

Has RAINN been helpful?

faith1020 19-06-2019 06:38 PM

It might be easier to message her but it's also harder because I second guess myself so much that the message changes completely by the time I can send it. It loses it's original meaning. I managed to talk to her the first time by telling her earlier in the day to not let me forget to talk about something important when we were alone. To be completely honest, I told her over a year ago and then we both went to different colleges. I've only seen her a few times since school started so it feels like I haven't really told anybody. When I first started this post I didn't mention her mainly because we hadn't talked that much, but now that it's summer we've reconnected. I have a hard time staying connected to people because I feel like I'm annoying or that they question why I am texting them after a while of silence.

I've wanted to tell my family for a little while now but the monumental change is holding me back. My dad's father is the one who abused me and my dad already has trust issues I don't want to add another reason not to trust people. Plus I know for a fact my mom would blame herself. She has a bad habit of doing that and she's already having a hard time right now. My problems would just add so much new stress for everyone that the only thing I've managed to do is make drafts of an email explaining what I went through. I really don't want my family to break apart.

RAINN has been pretty helpful. I've only managed to bring up the courage to use it a couple of times but every time I've talked it's been a little easier. They are really supportive and they've managed to saying a few things I've needed to hear. They make me feel understood and they have given me helpful tips. One of which was a therapy journal to have a place to write down my feelings and do various exercises. That's also helped a lot.

Pi.R^2 29-06-2019 02:22 PM

Yeah, I see what you mean about messaging! Maybe you could set yourself a time limit of like, five minutes(?) and after that you just have to send the message and not edit it anymore?

I can understand your reasons for not wanting to tell your family right now. I hope that at some point it might feel like an option for you,

I'm so pleased that RAINN has been helpful for you and I hope you'll continue to feel able to get in touch with them when you need support.

How are you doing generally?

faith1020 14-07-2019 05:02 AM

Generally I'm doing better right now. I cant say I'm doing great but as of the last couple of weeks, I've been okay. I haven't managed to talk to anybody else but I haven't had as much problems with me anxiety.

I guess the main problem right now is that I feel numb. I dont really want to do anything, and things i used to like just seem boring. I have been better with my dog around. I talk to her sometimes when I'm alone at the house just so that I can talk to a living creature, without any of the problems that come with telling someone. That and she calms me down if I am starting to panic.

faith1020 14-07-2019 05:03 AM

The time limit seems like a good idea. I would just need to build up the courage to actually send it. Generally I'm doing better right now. I cant say I'm doing great but as of the last couple of weeks, I've been okay. I haven't managed to talk to anybody else but I haven't had as much problems with me anxiety.

I guess the main problem right now is that I feel numb. I dont really want to do anything, and things i used to like just seem boring. I have been better with my dog around. I talk to her sometimes when I'm alone at the house just so that I can talk to a living creature, without any of the problems that come with telling someone. That and she calms me down if I am starting to panic.

Pi.R^2 20-07-2019 01:16 PM

I'm glad that things seem to be a little better at the moment.

In terms of feeling numb and not wanting to do things, could you try and force yourself to make some social plans? Even if it's just walking the dog with someone else, being with people might help you to feel a bit more connected to the world. The numbness and loss of interest in normal activities could also be a symptom of something like depression; have you ever talked to a doctor about your mood?

faith1020 21-07-2019 09:32 AM

I've been trying to be a little more social. I've spent some time with friends recently but the idea about the dog walking sounds really good. I've never talked to a doctor or therapist about any of my moods but I feel as though I probably should. It's hard to actually get up and do things. My college has a 6 free therapy sessions that I'm going to go to when school starts back up again.

I actually have good news for once. Talking with y'all on here helped me gain the courage to reach out to one of my friends, a different one but still a friend. Your message trick worked (I set a time limit) and I'm going to meet up with her sometime this week. I told her that I had something important to talk about and to help me talk about it. God answered my prayers and helped me build up the courage to reach out. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much talking with y'all on here is helping me.

Pi.R^2 23-07-2019 01:16 PM

Oh wow, you've done so well!! Well done for reaching out to a friend and I hope it goes well when you meet up with her. Let us know how you get on.

I'm glad you're trying to be more sociable and I hope that you enjoy spending time with friends. Getting the 6 free therapy sessions with college sounds like a great plan and I hope you find that helpful. Do you think it can wait until you go back to school or should you also see a doctor sooner than that?

faith1020 05-08-2019 03:00 AM

I talked with my friend almost exactly a week ago. To be completely honest it was really therapeutic. She said a couple different things that I really needed to hear and it caused me to cry and let out all of the emotions I've been holding back for a while. She said that she will always be there for me to talk to her and that when it comes time that I feel ready to talk to my family, she will be there for me. I think I can wait for college. It's only a couple weeks away and I've gone this long without therapy.

Pi.R^2 10-08-2019 08:20 AM

Oh I’m so happy for you :). Well done for talking to your friend and it sounds like she is the right choice of person to talk to!

Keep talking here and to her when you need to and I hope that the therapy sessions at college work out well and help you find the closure and healing that you need.

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