Low. I desperately want to give up on life or at least do something risky. I've not done anything risky that I've thought about doing because I've noticed a lot more how much my cats rely on me throughout the day and if I had to be away for treatment I don't know what they'd do. I keep having urges to do things like stand in front of traffic or lie on the road. I feel like I'm not real enough for anyone to notice me doing that but then I also feel so hugely noticed and I know I'd affect people and be noticed more if I did those things. I just get into really detached states at times. It's weird and hard to explain those almost opposite feelings.

I get more low and triggered at night usually. I'm managing to stay in bed when I go to bed though, it just hurts emotionally to not get relief. I don't know how to communicate anything. My support worker phoned today to see how I got on at the reading group and she asked how I am today but I didn't manage to tell her much, just that I feel crap. Having all of this inside me is getting too much. I am needy. I need people but there aren't many of the right kind of people in my life. I am lonely but socially anxious. Life is too hard for me.

Just want to act on impulse, do something risky. Hurt myself seriously in a way that I can't really achieve just by my own hand. So sick of fighting this. I need a release.

There are freaky things happening again. I thought I was getting peace from the things that were going on in my house but they're back. I didn't think they had left as such I just didn't hear them. Now stuff is happening again like before when I couldn't talk about it in my house and had to make phone calls in my car. I don't know how much I feel safe saying although I don't know if they can access here and I've written stuff in my diary so if they're about they could read that. I think the men want me to wander to find out the answers but I'm trying hard not to. I have never found any answers through wandering and I don't think I'm brave enough to go as far as the men need me to. Got to keep the cats safe. I went to check some rooms and unlocked the front door before that in case I had to run out. I put 999 into my phone in case I had to call it. I can't see anything anyway. If I leave the house will they get the cats? I need to sacrifice myself at least in small health ways. The blinds are closed and I am trying to pretend there is no need to go outside. I'm supposed to have a shower tonight but I'll just wash my hair so I can keep the bathroom door open and be less vulnerable. Washing my hair might stop me from going outside too unless I really really have to. If I didn't have to look after the cats I could find the answers no matter how long I had to be away or what actions I had to take. I don't think the cattery lady has the cattery any more. Plus the cats don't like being stuck in a cattery. Don't know what to do.

Where are the answers? If you were supposed to find them, wouldn’t you have been given instructions or directions? If they can be vague then it clearly isn’t that important to them.

Hope you're OK. This post makes me a bit worried, are these threat really there? Have you someone that you can turn to?

Please take care
*logging off*

Thank you both for replying, I appreciate it. I calmed down a bit last night then there were flashing lights which seemed to be significant and made me anxious but I was in bed and after a while they stopped. I got ready to do something risky but didn't have enough of what I needed. I put a reminder in my phone to get some more today but I have managed not to so far, things usually seem a bit less distressing during the day. I have no idea about the answers really, just that the men push me to wander as far as I can to find them or to do things to punish myself. I hate not knowing what's going on for sure, it's hard being given small ideas but nothing concrete. I thought about phoning my CPN today but didn't because I think things aren't too bad at the moment. I tried to phone the informal crisis team last night but it was too difficult to speak so I hung up.

I'm feeling quite vulnerable today and like I make other people vulnerable too. I went to the post office and there was an older lady standing away from the queue so I joined the queue and then she moved behind me after a while so I said sorry were you in the queue and she said yes and I said did she want to sit down on the seat that was there and she said no she'll just move forward so I let her in front of me. I felt rude for not knowing she was in the queue but I'm thinking maybe she had stood to the side because she had lost her purse. She was being served by the person next to me and she was really upset about losing her purse and said she could just cry and cry about all the bad things that are happening to her. I felt like crying myself. There is too much pain in the world. People keep looking at me too. Some of the bus drivers make me feel very uncomfortable and it's like they hate me. Bus journeys are becoming stressful because I'm worried about who the driver will be and what they will say to me. I don't like being a visible physical being because I can be perceived negatively and any small thing I do or don't do can hurt people. I am responsible and I can't do anything about the effects I have just by being alive unless I succeed in killing myself.

There's too much happening. Too much unknown. I should have bought more stuff today. I need to act. Can't do anything right.

More hugs. Things can change but I can't promise when x

Thank you.

I had a distressing night last night. I kept waking up and thinking I needed to cut my throat. I was in a very tired state but kept trying to move to get my phone to put a reminder in it to cut my throat. I was seriously planning it. I thought about how it would affect my brother but felt like I had to do it anyway. It is something I want to do but day time and being awake shows up the reality of what the consequences could be. How would I hide a neck wound/scar? My CPN would probably ask why I want to do it, what my intentions are. I actually don't really know. I have a lot of impulses to do risky things but I'm not sure exactly what I imagine the outcome to be. I did put another reminder in my phone to buy more X but again I haven't bought it. I don't want to fight to stay 'safe' any more.

Another day without buying X, another evening and night spent regretting it.

Tried a sort of different form of self harm last night and liked it but want to take it further.

Need my cats to stop being so clingy. I'm worried about if I do end up acting on my impulses at some point and the cats have to be on their own while I get treatment. I know me dying would be more traumatic for the cats than for me being away and then coming back but I was hoping for death last night when I tried the different form of self harm. I just wanted to lie there until I died but I hadn't done it right.

I'm trying to hold on to talk to my CPN on Wednesday but she won't be able to do anything. There is nothing that needs to be done except for me to have some freedom to take risks and destroy myself.

Did some stuff last night. Hoped for something bad but it didn't work out because I'm not good enough at anything. Was really really distressed and triggered to overdose, panicking lots because I know if I did overdose there is no going back and to be honest I just couldn't be bothered going through all the tiring process to get treatment etc and having to leave my cats to fend for themselves. I phoned the voluntary crisis team 4 times in a period of about an hour but no one answered. I phoned Breathing Space but hung up because it's hard to get them to end the call a lot of the time or they suggest NHS 24 who suggest out of hours GP or A&E and I am too tired for all that. I didn't get much sleep last night. I have no idea what to do about anything because I can't self destruct enough and I can't self soothe and I'm so afraid of future pressures.

So upset about the man who lost his nose and eye to cancer and was told to leave a petrol station food bit because of his looks. The man left crying. In the article the manager of the place said "I do not see absolutely anything wrong with what I did. He would come in at lunch time and sit at the food booths right at my busy time every day. I have bills to pay and I work very hard to please customers."

I feel so sad and upset for the man. :(

I am also hurt by who I am perceived to be. People see my behaviour and assume I'm deliberately doing things to cause trouble when that is far from the truth. I'm hurting and I don't know other ways to deal with it. I am responding to my pain not trying to cause trouble or get attention. It really hurts when I am in agony and then people shout at me and say horrible things. Everyone would have a better life if I was dead.

Got rid of something that had been harming me since Saturday. It didn't even do much damage and I'm really annoyed and sad. I feel like something is missing now that I have no ongoing thing trying to cause me harm.

I went for a walk to try and ease my thoughts and pass a bit of time before it got dark and I'd be stuck inside. I was so anxious outside. I used my headphones and fidget cube but felt unsafe from people and people from the other world. I came close to crying when I was nearly home but held it back because I'm also scared of coming home to what's going on at home and if I was crying they'd know I was vulnerable. The only safe places are where supportive people are.

I want to overdose.

I want to cut myself open.

I want to hang myself.

It does seem a little strange, the things I want. Most people would want holidays and nice food and fun times not self destruction. I'd rather have self destruction.

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow. I have copied some things I wrote in my diary and here but I don't think it connects much out of context.

I just have to let go.

You are incredibly brave <3

I can relate to feeling like hurting yourself is something missing from you when it probably is a source of comfort to you. That just makes it even more impressive that you managed to get rid if it.

I hope your CPN can help you and has some ideas what to do to support you and help you get a bit better.

I promise you not a single person on this planet would be better off without you. You are valued and loved. You are such a kind and caring person, putting so much time and effort into supporting others because it matters to you so much how they feel and that they are okay. Maybe you can try and remind yourself that people see you the same way and badly want to help you. You are so,so precious.

What is the most urgent thing that needs to change right now for things to feel better? Sorry if you already said that somewhere, I only read the last few posts. If there was one single thing that you could change, what would it be?

Sending plenty love and hugs your way <3 <3 <3

Good luck with your CPN 2morrow
All hugs

Take care

Thank you both.

My appointment went ok, it was a relief to have some supportive contact. I don't actually think I want to feel better in the way that society would define better. The better feeling that other people think is right actually makes me feel worse. In my opinion right now I'm too stable, I'm not able to hurt myself as much as I want and I don't act on impulse most of the time. Maybe I need something to replace those things to feel better but I can't imagine what and I'm also terrified of changing things too. A lot of me would rather go back to how things used to be when I was doing risky things frequently. This doesn't feel like me or my life. I am ungrateful. I am strange. I am wrong.

My brother had a far shittier childhood than me and some of that was down to me. Maybe I was a protective factor in some ways but that's not enough. I want to fucking kill myself!

Hate myself. I'm sick of saving myself in small ways, just get on with it! The cats will survive. I washed my hair and I don't even have enough X so that's stopping me. Pathetic. Need to do it soon.

There is nothing in life to ease the pain and allow things to get out of myself when I don't act on my impulses, self harm, take risks, and just generally express my craziness. I think about other people too much. I am mute, silenced by my brother because I don't want him to find out if I do something risky. I am empty but painfully empty but also painfully full because everything is contained inside. I don't know what to do. I only want self destruction and no one is going to help me with that. I wouldn't have the words to talk to someone from the informal crisis team and they don't seem to answer the phone much now anyway. I think they are busy and I shouldn't increase their workload. I just have to do things, stop fighting myself for the sake of other people. I don't want to cause pain to others though. I am trapped. The only real solution is to get on with dying. Life will always feel worthless, even if my MH problems get better with age, especially if my MH problems get better with age. I should never have been born. I am a greedy, ungrateful, waste of life.