Questions about recovery?
 

I have some questions about recovery that I wondered if people may have any advice on...?

I have a diagnosis of EDNOS. I lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, and my weight went underweight, through restricting, purging, laxatives and exercise.

In the past 3 months I have increased my calorie intake to more than Ive eaten per day in the past 8 months - which is positive. With my increased calorie intake my binging and purging is less, although I still purge regulary if I feel Ive eaten bad foods, or too much. Ive managed to gain weight and my bmi is now not underweight (though only just). Im not happy about the weight gain. It bothers me every second of every day and one day im committed to getting better - I want to be physically healthy, and I want my periods to start again - but at the same time that terrifies me because that indicates im getting fat again.

Is it normal to literally go like this from day to day? I have one day when I will eat x number of calories and be pleased as its positive and I want to gain weight etc, because part of me SO wants to be better. But the next day im hating it and am back to square one.

Although Ive gained weight - I havent gained weight healthily - and this is what my question is really. I feel SO hungry, when I have 'positive' days that I decide to eat and not (much) purge or take laxatives, I eat chocolate. Literally I cannot stop eating it. I do not crave anything else at all. People can eat takeaways, sweets, anything in front of me and im happy with my celery and lettuce, but chocolate and I just cannot stop once I start. (Ive been taking laxatives more and more again this week, because im so concerned about the chocolate intake) :ermm:

Is it normal to constantly feel this hungry when youre trying to eat again?
And is it normal to crave something so much?
What happens if this continues and I end up even bigger than when I started?
I was feeling in control of it as I was doing so much exercise I was keeping things 'under control' but recently Ive not been able to as Ive been suffering from bad cramps in my muscles. I worry that without the exercise, and my LACK of self restraint around the chocolate Im just going to end up huge and still feel crap and still be doing the binging and purging and just be bigger doing it, so no one will think theres even a problem, when clearly there is?
Im massively confused about it all. I bet I sound really stupid and messed up. I feel it. I can remember 18 months ago being able to eat a meal, order a takeaway, eat chocolate - and it was just normal everyday life. I feel a million miles from EVER being back there, and I want to be so badly. :sad::sad::sad:

hey love,
Im sorry you are feeling like this :sad:
I'm in kind of the same boat as you, ednos and gaining and trying to come to terms with this!
I feel hungry ALL THE TIME! i swear it is ridiculous, im not sure what it is, I also eat chocolate like its running out...I always think of this as my body trying to regain what it has lost, trying to get that energy in as it was deprived of it for so long. I think (hope!) that my body will sort of plateau out and I wont crave chocolate so much. I also find that if I ban chocolate and tell myself no then i tend to have more of it, because it is unavailable and tempting.
Perhaps you could try not to panic if you eat more than you are 'supposed to'? Almost everyone I know eats chocolate and eats more than they probably should but they don't stress about it because chocolate is tasty and fun and nice! If you do eat 'too much' try to tell yourself that you ate it because you deserved it, you don't have to do it again and it is a yummy thing to have :) try not to make it into such a big deal as it will just add to your anxiety about eating it?

I hope i've made a little sense lol i'm tired!
I know completely what you mean and am trying to recover so much but want the disorder SO MUCH too and its frustrating!
but you are doing so well with the gaining and overpowering the ED thoughts, really well done hun, you sould be proud of your achievements :wow:

pm anytime xxxxxxxxxxxxx
helen xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you for your lovely reply, that was really supportive.:-)Im still massively struggling. I sort of kid myself that im doing much better because im eating chocolate (like its going out of fashion...) but other than the addition of chocoalte to my diet, i still only eat about 10 foods, and whole food groups are completely cut out. People see me eating chocolate, and the fact that Ive gained some weight and assume lifes all fine. But secretly, to compensate, Im taking laxatives again every day, and still purging if i have to eat in front of people, or when im GREEDY and eat a meal, or ice cream etc. And I exercise (albeit not always a lot) everyday... So people are saying how well im doing and inside im screaming 'Im still trapped every single day...'
I hate this. I utterly hate it and dont think I have the energy to fight anymore.:crying::crying:

When I was recovering from an ED weight-wise I found that a similar thing happened. I was just hungry all the time, it felt like I couldn't control it and I felt like crying so much because I was worried it would never stop. But that is what happens when your body has been in starvation for a long time - it gets scared that it will be deprived of food again and so it tries to eat as much as possible.

It does stop, though. For me it stopped once I was eating regularly and getting enough and proper nutrition every day, and my weight stabilised at the lower end of healthy. It sounds like your body is still in starvation mode and that's why you're craving the sugar in chocolate - you desperately need fuel.

I know it's so easy for me to say that you need to start reintroducing food groups and eating regularly without purging... Are you getting any help through an ED team or a dietician? It might be worth going to your GP to see what help is available. It sounds like you're working hard to try and get this under control yourself, but maybe you could also seek some support?

I don't usually post in this forum anymore, but I saw this and wanted to reiterate the above. Yes, it's normal, but it won't stay like this. Your body will stabilise, and you'll start eating more normally again.

Thank you for all your kind and helpful replies :-) I really appreciate them.

I have some support, im being seen by the CMHT and have regular blood tests etc. I think some sort of diet plan or something would be a good idea for me. I think if I could have some sort of guidance I might be able to control my cravings. I just feels so overwhelming and out of control. I also think I need to stop weighing myself - for my own sanity more than anything else! Plus im doing more exercise, whilst also trying to eat more and im going to put on weight.

Its inevitable and it is what I want, because I want a healthy body and a healthy future...it's just so scary and so hard. I am just utterly convinced i am going to end up overweight and fat again by the end of each weight, and gaining weight reiterates this to me. Yet if i ate certain food groups, id feel less hungry (maybe?) and thus wouldnt eat as much, and maybe could control the weight gain.

I'm not even underweight anymore, I was only a bit underweight when I was 1/2 stone lighter, so I was never drastically underweight or anything to start with, so I really do have to worry about putting on too much weight too.

Hi, everyone's already said a bunch of good stuff, but I just wanted to add my two cents :) Don't judge yourself much right now--your body goes on a little rollercoaster while it tries to find it's "normal" point again. If one day you're happy about recovery and the next day you're not, that's okay! No one gets it perfect, especially not all in the beginning. As long as you don't let your bad days rule your life, you're doing great :) About the chocolate cravings, I can relate too lol. When I was first going into recovery from anorexia, I was inpatient at a treatment center. I kept a drawerful of hershey's kisses. Almost every night, I'd get up in the middle of the night and get my chocolate "fix." My roommate proabably didn't appreciate this much...she halfway woke up one night and mumbled "Kristen, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night!" I was like "yeah...so? I'm hungry!" That was several years ago, so I can reassure you that those crazy cravings don't last forever, although I do still like my chocolate...just not every night! :) Congrats for fighting to get healthy!! <3 *hugs*