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-   -   Started therapy and now feel even more suicidal (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255889)

Juella 13-05-2019 06:30 PM

Started therapy and now feel even more suicidal
I'm sorry to post again.
I feel at a complete loss. I actually felt a little better for a bit...and then I started therapy and the result of my 5 sessions so far is that I am even more convinced that I don't want to be alive and there is no point in living than I was before it all started. Oh, but I haven't self harmed in a week and I lost some weight. Whoop-de-doo, I guess.
I can't do it anymore. I'm just so tired of going through motions and constantly pretending to experience a variety of emotions, when in reality I am just one-note desperate and tired all the time. The conclusion of my last session was pretty much that I will always feel like this, but that doesn't matter and what matters is that I do the right things to appear functional, because I live in a society. Tbh I don't feel like going back for another session. I don't feel like doing anything at all. I feel absolutely done and the only reason why I haven't attempted suicide yet is because that also requires putting in energy that I don't feel like I have.
I just still have a little bit of curiosity...no one I know in real life ever went to therapy, so I've got to ask you. Is it supposed to feel like it? Is my therapist right and I am actually a trash human for being unwilling to follow her advice? Or is there something off about my therapy experience? Am I doing something wrong?

Soft Kitty 13-05-2019 06:46 PM

Having had a lot of therapy, I can confidently say no, you won't always have to feel like this. With or without therapy, our experience as humans is that life is forever changing, nothing stays the same. Therapy with the right therapist can help us understand more about who we are and what we want from life.

I also sometimes misinterpreted what my therapist said. Not saying that you are, but could it be worth just clarifying what you've told us with your therapist, just to see if that's how they meant it?

While you're alive, there's always the hope that things can be different, even if life is still painful at times.

Juella 13-05-2019 07:18 PM

Thank you for your reply.

I know I probably should clarify things with my therapist, I really might be misinterpreting it. The thought of going back fills me with dread, especially since I will probably get kicked out for self-harming again, but maybe that's worth a try.

nonperson 13-05-2019 07:28 PM

Don't give up. Maybe it's just dredging up a lot of feelings that you'd usually not think about in as much depth? Also, you're not a bad person for not taking your therapist's advice - advice is easily given out and really hard to put in to practice.

Juella 13-05-2019 08:03 PM

It did bring up a lot of feelings I am actively trying not to think about. It's just that I came in feeling like there is nothing to life but struggling to cope, and I feel like the more I go into therapy the more this idea is confirmed. But maybe that's because it's just the truth...

nonperson 13-05-2019 08:09 PM

It certainly isn't the truth. I can't prove that, and I can't actually say that I 100% believe it myself right now, but there has to be more to life than just struggling through.

one_step_closer 14-05-2019 01:52 PM

Therapy brings loads to the front because you are confronting things with a person instead of keeping everything in your head. Now that it's out there, it might be a good idea to keep going to therapy because you will likely need support to work through the things that are now at the front. The first step is getting them out and the next step is acknowledging things and looking for ways to manage better. Therapy can be so intense. Do you have anyone else to talk to kind of like a de-brief after therapy? Also, are there safe things you can do after therapy and regularly that allow you to take care of yourself and hopefully feel a bit better? I hope your journey gets easier.

one_step_closer 14-05-2019 03:16 PM

Also, if you think your therapist is pushing too hard too fast then you could ask if it's possible to slow the pace a bit.

Juella 15-05-2019 06:20 AM

Thank you very much for your advice.

As I expected I was dropped by my therapist yesterday, because I didn't keep our agreement that I wouldn't self-harm. This is my second time in this situation and I guess it means I am unlikely to be offered therapy anytime soon again.

one_step_closer 15-05-2019 03:41 PM

That doesn't sound fair. Where is it that you have been getting therapy, NHS or private or what? Is there another kind of place you can access therapy if you'd like to try again, somewhere that maybe doesn't have such strict conditions?

Juella 15-05-2019 04:36 PM

Thank you for understanding. I was getting state-funded therapy, so I suppose that's pretty close to NHS. I can always get private therapy and I am pretty sure they wouldn't be so willing to drop me as soon as anything is off. It's just that it's somewhat expensive and I am somewhat broke. But I think maybe one day I will be able to afford it. For now, I'm trying not to do anything drastic for now, even though the urge is there. Thank you for your support. It means a lot to know that there's someone willing to be there, even if they are really far away.

one_step_closer 15-05-2019 07:16 PM

That's a shame, it doesn't seem like a good reason to stop therapy for anyone. I'm sorry the only other option isn't open to you right now. I imagine it must be quite hard to manage now that things have been brought to the front and then you've been left to deal with it without therapy. That actually sounds really irresponsible of therapists. Do you have any other support at the moment? Please keep trying to fight the urges. Keep posting here if it helps at all, you are welcome to any support we can offer.

Juella 17-05-2019 07:43 AM

I have a friend I can talk to when things get really tough. Well, at least I could, we're drifting apart a little lately. But one friend is a lot better than none. I am also seeing a psychiatrist that sort of keeps an eye on me and makes sure I don't need to be inpatient. I am sort of meant to be taking medications, but due to severe side effects I don't (not my decision, doctor's). Maybe eventually I will be provided with an alternative.

I am really struggling right now. I developed joint issues that make it unbearably painful for me to walk, and using the bus is even worse than walking if I have to stand and people are pushing past me. I can't afford taking a cab every time I need to leave the house. My doctor suggests using a walker, but buying the right walker would put me in debt, and I wouldn't be able to use it at work anyway. I wish I knew how to deal with pain.

one_step_closer 17-05-2019 11:48 AM

Pain is hard to deal with. Did you mention to your doctor that a walker isn't really an option and ask for other suggestions? I'm sorry I don't really have practical advice, self compassion is supposed to be helpful with pain but I know that's not a fix.

How often do you see your psychiatrist?

Juella 29-05-2019 09:29 AM

Just got out of an impatient stay. Feel even more lost and disoriented.

Sorry for a late reply. As for now, I am going to see my psychiatrist weekly.

Pain levels have gotten even worse, and my doctor got mad when I said walker isn't an option and pretty much told me I am going to have to deal with the pain then. Wish I was better at handling pain, I'm such a wuss. I sat on a pavement and broke down crying on my way home from the hospital, because my legs hurt. So embarrassed about it.

activebrain 29-05-2019 12:53 PM

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. Sounds very frustrating and it's understandable that you are feeling so out of it and lost. I agree with one step closer that it doesn't seem fair that just because you can't keep a safety contract that they drop you. I would think that would be even more reason for them keeping it. But then, what do I know when it comes to government-funded stuff. I just hope that you can keep trying and enduring and just do the best you can. And you're not a wuss for crying. If you're in pain you're in pain and crying sometimes is the best outlet. I'm just sorry that you're having to experience so much and I just hope that this post and other people's can be an encouragement to you.

one_step_closer 29-05-2019 03:13 PM

I'm sorry you ended up in hospital, did it help at all? I know it can take a while to settle back at home. Are you ok with the support offered to you, seeing your psychiatrist weekly?

I think I would be the same trying to deal with chronic physical pain. I'm really sorry you're having to go through that and that your doctor wasn't helpful. Do you see a pain specialist?

Please try and be kind to yourself.

Juella 30-05-2019 05:36 AM

Thank you very much for your kind and supportive comments.

Hospital certainly kept me safe at the moment and gave me some respite from a lifestyle that had too negative of an impact on my mental health. That's a good thing. I don't think it changed anything long-term, but by this point I think that isn't what hospital stays are for. I am okay with the level of support I have now, and grateful to have what I have.

I haven't been referred to a pain specialist, and, considering I currently live in a relatively small town with a small hospital, I think it might be because my hospital doesn't even have a pain specialist.

one_step_closer 30-05-2019 07:10 PM

Do you get on ok with your psychiatrist? I hope you're able to be honest with them, maybe they could also offer you a bit of advice about dealing with pain. I know there are some psychological techniques.

Juella 31-05-2019 04:49 AM

Yeah, I do get on okay with my psychiatrist, I just feel a little embarrassed to complain about additional things that he didn't ask about, but I guess I can try.

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