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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

nonperson 18-11-2019 06:54 PM

Well done on the distracting. Chocolate is especially a good distraction and you deserve the treat. =)

Something make me think of a previous post of yours where you said the skin graft would be like a clean slate. Is thinking about that a way to help you avoid burning again?

one_step_closer 18-11-2019 07:02 PM

Are there things that make you laugh? That can be useful when you're feeling irritated I find. I'm glad you're trying to distract yourself, keep going.

chinahorse 18-11-2019 07:59 PM

The graft would have been a clean slate if it was healed. I'm very much a I've already got dressings and wounds so what difference do more make kind of person.

I laughed yesterday foe the first time in a long time.

My mum randomly turned up. I'm sick of her doing that and sick of her all together. How hard is it to send a text at lunch saying you intend to come around after work? !

nonperson 18-11-2019 08:11 PM

It's still healing though and already inconvenient enough so another wound would make things worse. I do know what you mean by 'what difference does it make' though.

I'm glad you laughed. =)

Ergh, yes it's common courtesy to send a message before turning up. Has she gone now?

chinahorse 18-11-2019 08:22 PM

Meh. I just NEED to burn. Do more damage. Then it will be enough.

She has finally gone. Though she told me to 'just turn the heaters on'. I mean I'm being offered food bank vouchers by multiple organisations but sure I'll just turn the heating on. *eyeroll*

I fucking hate being me. Burn until there is nothing left.

chinahorse 21-11-2019 03:13 PM

Being at the burns unit is so triggering.

one_step_closer 22-11-2019 01:56 PM

Why do you need 'enough' damage? You have hurt yourself so much already and I don't think you need or deserve any more pain. Can you try and focus on helping your burns heal and helping your mind recover? I know it's hard but getting stuck in a pattern of self harm is dangerous and won't really achieve anything.

chinahorse 22-11-2019 10:25 PM

I am evil. And I need to absorb the evil. Burning absorbs evil. Protects people I care about.

I can hear the man again.

I've been distracting. It's got overwhelming and I'm so anxious and agitated so I've got into bed my safe place.

chinahorse 22-11-2019 10:40 PM

The man says to kill myself. And let bertie out the door to fend for himself.

one_step_closer 23-11-2019 12:31 PM

I'm not sure how burning would absorb evil, there are better and more realistic ways to look after the people you care about. No one can truly protect people either because people have their own autonomy etc. I can understand why you'd think these things and how distressed you are with the man though. I don't think anything the man has ever said has been useful advice. Bertie needs you. How did you manage through the night? Do you have things you can do today? Are you still finding evenings the most difficult time?

Pi.R^2 24-11-2019 07:46 PM

Has the man ever said anything that is true or helpful? Those would be my criteria for helping to decide whether to listen to what someone says or not.

chinahorse 25-11-2019 02:50 PM

Donald Trump has never said anything good or useful and people still listen to him?

I want to die. I really am sick of living now. It's too hard. I feel every emotion so intensely and I cant seem to cope with anything. I keep getting so angry at things and in a rage.

I'm doing the right things. I made plans to see people at the weekend and stuff. I still feel terrible.

The new job starts tomorrow and I'm beyond terrified of it. I've only done it mostly because of pressure on me to get a job.

I don't want to live. Nothing is ok. Everything keeps getting worse. I'm so fed up of being distressed.

one_step_closer 25-11-2019 07:08 PM

What's happening with your support from the CMHT right now? I hear how overwhelming life and the emotions it brings can be. I really hope that someone can help you to find a way for things to be better. Good luck with the job, is there anything you can prepare or even just distract yourself to ease some of your anxiety for now?

nonperson 25-11-2019 07:32 PM

I don't really know what to say that will help at all but want to wish you good luck for tomorrow. I honestly hope it all goes ok. Probably not helpful but sometimes things aren't as bad as you think they'll be? Try to take things one small step at a time. Are you there all day?

Pi.R^2 25-11-2019 08:04 PM


Originally Posted by chinahorse (Post 4247462)
Donald Trump has never said anything good or useful and people still listen to him?

Ha, nice try. But they shouldn't- that's my point! It's like you've got your own Donald Trump talking utter nonsense at you and it would be ill-advised to listen.

Whoa, new job, what did I miss? I hope it goes well tomorrow.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. It does get better than this.

chinahorse 25-11-2019 08:50 PM

I'm seeing cpn and therapist tomorrow. Have a meeting with cpn and support worker next week and then psychiatrist week after that. CPN is having me read stuff on compassion focused therapy.

I'm there all afternoon. 4 afternoons this week. Which is not 9 hours as stated at interview. I really can't put into words how terrified I am. I do not feel at all ready to be in a position of responsibility or serving the public. Yeah it's only a shop but I have to be there by myself with a key and be nice to random people. If the stupid government would give me enough benefits to live off I wouldn't have let people push me into applying.

I'm so angry at the moment. Intense rage. I'm screaming at the cat and being rude in public and smashing things.

The longer I live the longer I know I'm going to have to die. Jim even angry at the cat because he makes it harder as he's the only thing I love and I don't want to leave him.

Unbreakable. 26-11-2019 12:25 AM

I hope your appointments will go okay & that maybe something useful will come of them.

Things seem pretty intense right now, which must be super hard and stressful.

It sucks that you were put in a position where you have to work even when that is clearly not reasonable to ask of you. Hopefully it will at least go better than you feel it will.

Sending love <3

chinahorse 26-11-2019 01:47 PM

The appointment was ok.u till I had a complete melt down about the job. Like screaming and hysterically all crying and rocking :/ So then we discussed that. And they were nice. And we decided now is not the right time. Soi called the shop. And bought nice bath bubbles.
And Bertie has just fallen in the full bath and a laughing sohard I cant breathe.

Bellatrix 26-11-2019 01:56 PM

Pickle did that once and he looked like a drowned rat. It's hilarious isn't it? I hope you took pictures of him ��

one_step_closer 26-11-2019 03:59 PM

I'm glad your appointment went ok and they were kind and understanding, I hope you are being kind and understanding towards yourself too.

Bertie must have known you'd need cheering up. :-)

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