How are you ian?

i take it the doctor visit didn;t go so well then kitty?

The doctor visit went fine I guess. I told him I think I have schizophrenia but he shot that down. He thinks I have borderline personality disorder but did not officially diagnose me with it or try to prescribe me any meds for it. He did refill my anti-anxiety and anti-depressants (the ones I use as sleeping pills) meds. But I don't know. I don't disagree with the diagnosis of BPD necessarily but I mean what about Amara?...

I'm frustrated because of the idiot I had to talk to on the phone at the tire center. I kept trying to explain to him what I was calling about but he continuously did not understand me. I got so frustrated I had to hand the phone to my husband so he could finish the phone call. I was yelling at the guy by that point.

I'm pissed off at my husband. I was trying to explain what the doctor said. I explained to him that dissociation is part of it but he was like "oh you don't have a problem with dissociation. I mean, if you get in an accident, you don't go around saying 'that's not my car' and that's pretty much what dissociation is." Um yes I do dissociate. Every day, several times a day. And then he started trying to finish my sentences when he had no idea what the **** I was going to say. He thinks he knows me better than I know me. And he WON'T LET ME FINISH MY OWN DAMN SENTENCES!!

Sorry to rant but I am just so pissed off and frustrated right now. I am having horrible urges. And there is no where for me to go to get away.

-curls up and throws a blanket over herself-

Why do I bother? With my husband and his whole family I can show them something or explain something and then they either aren't listening (but they say they are) or they don't actually look... then they complain or ask the dumbest ****ing questions and then they wonder why I get so pissed off when I have to repeat myself till I'm blue in the ****ing face...
/rant

I'm sorry hunny... Is there any kind of insurance you qualify for? even if its public assistance? then maybe you could get a second opinion...?

Oh I am also frustrated because I have no idea what I am going to do about my hospital bill. They want $616 and I was only in the ER for like 15 minutes. Well I was in there longer waiting but I was only seen for like 15 minutes. And I have no means to pay it...there is no way in hell that I can afford it. I can't apply for assistance for it because they want bank statements and I have my financial aid money which to them would look like a lot and I would be able to pay it...the problem is, I have to live off of that financial aid money for 6 months so I can't spend anything extra out of it. If it goes to collections, my credit will go down again. I wish I could rewind to that night and not go.

Oh Kitty I'm sorry things went so badly for you today darling *snuggles*

is there any way you could pay 6 months of rent at once? then you wouldn't have to worry about paying rent and the bank statement wouldn't be so large...

-tosses a protective teddy at crimson to snuggle- I'm sorry. Sounds like you are having similar experiences as me.

And no. Not unless I am pregnant, on disability, or a senior citizen. I'm not on disability and even if I were to apply it would take several months (6 or more) for them to even make a decision on whether or not I would be approved. I am definitely not a senior citizen. I might be pregnant, but I have to wait to take the home pregnancy test, and if it's positive, then I have to go get one done by a doctor and if that's positive then I can apply for medical with the documentation. But if I am pregnant I will have to discontinue my anti-depressants because they have been known to cause problems in pregnancy.

Oh my ****ing god. I asked my husband to do one simple thing...make mac and cheese. He said he can't. I asked him why. He said he can't make fries because the sheet he uses for it is dirty and is holding a bunch of dirty dishes, which he is in the process of washing those dirty dishes, but he can't just wash the sheet real quick to make the fries. WHY me? Why?

What is the ****ing point of me staying alive? Really. That's the question going through my mind. No answers come to mind. Oh wait, one does...the fact that I might be pregnant. But there are so many more reasons to not be alive. Ugh!

Oh Kitty :( I wish I could help

-curls up tighter- Hi Sarah.

And no I can't because my husband is getting a check every month that covers part of the rent. So what is left of the rent is paid out of my financial aid check and that's only $109. But then we have to pay the cell phone bill with my check and we can't get rid of the cell phones because then we wouldn't have any forms of communication and our cell phones are cheaper than landline phones with all the services we get. We can't get rid of the internet because of school and internet through the cell phone is cheaper. But the cell phone bill (which includes 4 phones - it's a family plan) is almost $200 a month...and that's even cheaper than having 4 separate plans. Then we have to put gas in the car to be able to drive around to where we need to go. I could just take the bus for free but it's a 45 minute ride to school and the school is only like a mile and a half from where I live but its up a steep hill so I can't walk to school and when the bus stops at the school it's about a mile away from my classes anyway. We use about $120 for gas per month. If we have to make a trip out of town it's a lot more.

*snuggles the teddy*
I know how it goes to try and get a disability decision... I'm still fighting with the VA to compensate me for all the problems and I've been discharged for almost 9 years now. *rolls eyes*
And yeah sounds about the same as my family... I came up with a list of dinners (some we hadn't tried before) that was with stuff we had and a shortish list of stuff to buy for this month and when I was at the store I was talking to him on the phone and was saying how without the other 3 members of his family living there we could probably make a bunch of them twice with the groceries I was getting (I shop mostly at Sams Club and Costco) and so even though I was using out whole budget up we'd have more than a month of food including lunches, snacks and tons of cereal for the kids and he asked what i knew we could definitely make twice and when I started naming them he goes "what? that sounds weird. do we have to have that?" after i had showed him the list twice before that...

*holds Kitty* I hate the USA for this :( seeing you suffer like this is terrible, just want to scoop you up and take you somewhere worry free and safe

Hmmmm... I dunno what else I could suggest right now but its time for me to get going for home for the night. *cuddles Kitty*

Edit~ ROFLMAO! My sister in law is now grumpy... I refused to answer her question since "I thought everyone knew I hated repeating myself." Her text back was "sigh. Lame."
*dies in a fit of laughter of the inability to breathe*

Night Crimson *snuggles* x

Edit: That is pretty funny :p

Yeah I hate the USA. I wish I could just move to another country...a better country...but that takes a **** ton of money and well we can't afford that. I am starting to think my husband is also in denial about my issues. He swears that I don't dissociate...I think I would know better than him whether I do or not. He treats me like I'm a ****ing idiot. Then he wonders why I get so pissed off at him. Hmmmmmmmmmm I wonder why.

Crimson I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with the VA. My dad had the same problem. He got it sorted just this last year though. I guess it's like the DSHS system - you just have to find the right person to help you and then the process goes pretty quickly. Hope they can settle it for you this year. Night. Would hug ya but am not exactly in a touchy mood right now. But lubbles you. Thank you for listening to me bitch and complain.

Sarah, I wish I knew what to do too. I have looked for assistance everywhere I know of. I just fall between the cracks..

*Hugs Kitty, Crimson and Sarah*

I'm sorry you're having problemts Kitty :( As much as we rant about the US healthcare system, they aren't going to change it any time soon. Sigh. I wish it wasn't that way for you. Google BDP, see if there's anything about Amara there.

Urgh. I'm off to school now to do a psychology mock A-level first thing after 3 hours sleep. I can barely contain the excitement.

Looks like I'm not sleeping tonight.

I think I'm just gonna sit in here then. I need a safe place.

*Hugs Felicia* I had that same problem last night. I'm sorry I can't hang around and keep you company, I have school. But I did some writing, and it didn't help me sleep, but it made the hurt go away. I know you love to write too.

It's alright, Lia. School's important.

I'm actually writing right now. haha. Maybe it'll ease something.

*Hugs Nicole*
*Hugs Helen*
*Hugs Lia*
*Hugs Sarah*
*Hugs Crimson*
*Hugs Laura*
*Hugs Ian*
*Hugs Kitty*
*Hugs Felicia*


I feel Depressed.
I feel alone.
I feel worthless.
I have No reason to feel so bad just Depression and lonelyness .
Struggled to get out of bed despite not being properly asleep. *Sigh* Fed up. Sorry .
I have 3 appointments today which will help fill my afternoon.

*Hugs Mark*
I wish I had the words to make it all better. I'm here if you need me.

*hugs Mark* I'm also here for you, any time.

*Hugs Lindsay* I think it's the sodding depression today *Sigh* and lonelyness too ........ How are you today?

I now how that feels Mark, it's horrible. Keep talking to us though. I hope the feeling eases soon.

I'm ok. Feeling a bit physically unwell because of the overdose yesterday but i'll be fine.

I'm sorry you OD'd Lindsay :S *Hugs* Did you have to go to hospial?
Personally I'm glad I have appointments this afternoon but am dreading this evening if this depression sticks to me and feeling so alone just isn't fun at all . I have to leave my flat in 28 minutes . won't be back till gone 4 pm so at least I'll be kept busy during that time and I may get to talk it out with my new keyworker ? perhaps.

*Hugs everyone*
Sorry everyone seems to be having such a hard time at the moment :(
Gah, I have only just woken up after not getting to sleep until 7am. I was starting to forget what sleep was!

You struggled sleeping Nicole? *Hugs*

*Hugs mark* mhmm, I was sat in bed listening to the radio and doing word searches until 7am :(
Are you ok?

Mark, I didn't go to hospital because I didn't take a major overdose, just a moderate one. I know I should have gone to hospital but they would have just observed me for a few hours and sent me home.

I hope you sleep better tonight, Nicole.

*Hugs Lindsay* Are you ok? Please look after yourself hun.
And so do I, it's not fun being up all night lol, I go back to college thursday, gotta learn to sleep :/

How long have you been having trouble sleeping, Nicole?

I'm ok. Just feel a bit dizzy sometimes and I lose control of my body.

:( Do you think it might be a good idea to go to A&E anyway?
And i've always had trouble sleeping, but last night was one of the worst nights in a long time
*Hugs Oliver* 'cause I spys him

If I get a losing control of my body spell again i'll phone NHS 24 and see what they suggest. I don't want to go directly to A&E because they already think that I waste their time.

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Lindsay*

I just got back from My first Session with my New keyworker Kat and was able to talk with her about S.I. and drink (their primary purpose) and Feeling really low today . It's good that I felt I could open up to her She has done accupuncture on me for a yearish and has been my group 1 on 1 worker for the last 3 months so I know her a bit . Then we Did my first accupuncture in about a month and it help me no-one else showed up so it was just the two of us and we did relaxation :) Than I had my meeting with Anne at the volunteer buero who is cool and she was able to shed some light on why the cyber cafe has been shut , it's because it's shut and there have been sackings :S but it may open at the end of this month so... maybe I'll drop a note through their door with my e-mail address on so they can contact me when they need me . Maybe thats a good idea?

hugs everbody. feel like crap again, way to much crap going on right now cant handle it. curls up and hides.

*Squishes Jill* Want to talk hun?

*Spot Solo and Hugs*

*Squashes Jill* Due to an unfortunate typo just then, I was squishing kill. I don't know what to say other than we are all here to listen to and help you. What were you getting up to all the time you were absent from the ward? Was it because you were doing better, or because you couldn't face it? I hope for the former.

*Hugs Nicole* As I've said, you'll be alright in college, it's just getting there that's the issue. I'm always fine as soon as I'm back in school it's just the prospect that worries me.

*Hugs Mark* I'm sorry you're feeling so low today, but I'm glad you were able to talk to someone and I hope you can feel a litte better soon. You're not worthless, you're always there to support us all, even if you're feeling **** yourself. You're a huge part of the ward and this place would be dead weird (and not in a good way) without you.

*Hugs Lindsey* I'm sorry you did that :( I'm glad you're going to get help if you don't feel better soon. I'd hate for anything to happen to you that can't be taken back. I'm sure they don't think you're a waste of space, we certainly don't :)

Hey guys. Went docs today and had my contraceptive coil removed. Hurts :(

Feeling really low and meh today. And sleepy. Very, very sleepy. And at the doctors at 9 tomorrow to change my meds dose again... Ugh.

*Hugs Sarah* Did they not give you any painkillers? I'm sorry you're low :(. I'm sleepy too, got less than 3 hours sleep last night. Still, never mind. Had to jolly on since school doesn't wait until you've slept enough to face it. Chin up :)

Thanks Mark! I can always count on you! I'm so sorry you're havin a rough day! I'll say a prayer for ya.

Massive sigh. I'm going to take Nicole's advice.

I'm not all my best today. School's good, it gives me something to cling to, but clinging's getting harder. I realised today I do need to change. I can't go on like this because I hurt people. After an email chat with my friend, I realised by pushing people out, I don't only not let them care about me, but I don't let me carea about them and that makes them think they've done something wrong.

So step one. This pain hurts. I'm not doing great these last few days (the bad English of that sentecne serving as one piece of evidence). Today, I've barely eaten, last night, I barely slept. I've been fighting my urges for a few days now, and I haven't caved, but it's been a huge fight and I don't really know what's stopped me.

*Hugs Lia* I'm glad it wouldn't be in a good way :) You're doing so great hun not giving into the urges :)

*Hugs Sarah* I'm sorry you are in pain hun , Do you have any pain killers like Lia Said?

*Hugs Solo* I'm sort of searching Spiritually but all prayers are gratefully received :)

hugs mark, and lia. everthing just kicking off again, getting so pissed off with everyone in real life. erm i wasnt on because i was feeling very low and couldnt deal with anything. had just walked out of my job, because i was really depressed and was very close to doing somthing stuiped. cant find a job right now. feel worthless, doesnt help that my former employers are being asses. and now the people that give me dole money are being asses. because i "left" my job. what other choice did i have? sorry thats kind of long.
just want to die, just want out. cries

*Hugs Jills* awh I'm sorry you're so low hun , You're not worthless Hun I promise , I really like you :)

*sits in the denial tent*
The end of yesterday sucks and remembering it today just makes me feel crappy. I didn't burst into random tears in front of everyone -held those in- and I didn't give in to urges so why do I feel so crummy?

*Hugs Jill* I second Mark. You're not worthless. You can do this. It gets better someday.

*Hugs Crimson* Sometimes, we just do. It really sucks when you don't know what's causing your mood.

*cuddles anyone who wants and yawns*

Sorry about that I was a bit selfish and self involved there (^)...
*hugs everyone*
Aside from the lack of sleeping, how are you all?
Btw... Mark I think putting your email and to let you know by that contact if/when they'd like you in is a grand idea but don't forget to put it in a sealed envelope. :) too easy to get a simple slip of paper lost by itself.

-hugs ward-

I'm better I guess.

*Hugs Kitty* How are you?

*Hugs Heather* Und du?