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Kahlia1981 19-09-2009 09:08 PM

*hugs everyone*

I woke up at 4:15 this morning from a weird dream. I wouldn't have woken up but I dreamt that a spider landed on my back and that jolted me awake. Now it's about two hours later and I'm scared to try and go to sleep incase the dream picks up the threads and continues. That probably sounds stupid .... My mood is still really low. I thought it was improving but I guess I'm not that lucky.

zowie 19-09-2009 10:27 PM

That is so bloody weird Kahlia! Last night I woke up and was absolutely sure I'd seen a spider the size of my hand on my ceiling. I think I dreamed it, woke up and thought I'd been awake the whole time. So I ran downstairs to get my dad to get rid of it (I'm arachnophobic). He came upstairs, turned on the light and I told him that I saw it above my bed. He pointed out that I wouldn't have been able to see it because it was so dark, and then he spotted a (much smaller than I'd dreamed) spider above my bed.
If that wasn't weird enough, now you're having a nightmare about a spider at around the same time in the night (when I woke up it was about 4am).
I waffle too much :P

Do you know what's causing the low mood? Maybe it was picking up but had a lapse because of the early waking?

xxx

Kahlia1981 19-09-2009 11:08 PM

Arwen ~ I wish I knew what was causing the low mood but there is no discernable cause. I have to say that I'm arachnaphobic as well and the weird thing about the dream was that the spider was in it and I didn't wake up until the spider jumped on me. Normally the sight of a spider in my dreams would wake me.

*hugs everyone*

I went for a short jog a bit earlier. Trying to get myself moving and the endorphins kicking. I just got out of breath ... but at least I'm doing something to keep myself sane because otherwise the mood will take over.

Strawberry.Bananas 20-09-2009 09:14 AM

Y'know, I woke up this morning and for an all-to-brief second, I was happy. Course, it hurt all that much more to fall back down to Earth and realise it was all a dream.
I don't know how much longer I can cope with feeling like this.

Kahlia1981 20-09-2009 11:20 AM

Vicki ~ Cherish those brief moments of happiness if you can. I'm sorry you aren't feeling too good. Did you want to talk about it? This is a safe place if you do. *hugs you*

*hugs everyone - including those hiding in corners*

shadowedseraph 20-09-2009 01:54 PM

*checks self in* i'm not ok and i dont know where to turn

Strawberry.Bananas 20-09-2009 02:26 PM

Thanks Khalia. I'm just really not in a good place. My life had pretty much broken down anyway, losing my job, home life is lousy, my sister wants me out of the house so she can move back in with her kids but without a job I can't afford it. I was holding onto my relationship. That's the only thing I had going. And now that's gone. It's hard to deal with that on it's own. But having nothing else...I'm just falling with nothing to hold onto.

shadowedseraph 20-09-2009 03:18 PM

*hugs vicki* you can hold onto us, we're here listening to you

Country Girl 20-09-2009 03:24 PM

sorry...i feel like i've been posting too much everywhere.....
*huddled in the corner*
am very unsafe....just in a really bad place right now....

shadowedseraph 20-09-2009 03:31 PM

*joins Rach in her corner and cuddles* can you tell me about it hon?

MammaMia 20-09-2009 03:38 PM

Vicki, you can definately hold onto us and me =) I know I haven't been a great friend recently for not really being around but I still care about you.

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry I'm being really quiet at the moment.

Country Girl 20-09-2009 03:38 PM

just in a bad place....suicidal....everything's just so messed up....not sure of the point anymore

shadowedseraph 20-09-2009 03:42 PM

*hugs Rach* have you got someone in RL you can phone, a crisis team perhaps or the samaritans? I'm here for you to listen and to talk but it isnt the same :) *hugs more*

Country Girl 20-09-2009 03:49 PM

i've tried talking to pple in rl, but they don't understand.....there's no point

shadowedseraph 20-09-2009 03:52 PM

There is a point sweetie, its hard to find it but its there

airfobrat 20-09-2009 04:04 PM

*slowly opens the door and peeks in*
new in here...need a place to feel safe from everything

so much going through my head...not sure which to believe or listen to
urges to SI are so great...

*curls up in the corner and cries*

shadowedseraph 20-09-2009 04:48 PM

*gently hugs airfobrat* welcome to the ward and to one of its many corners try not to si i know its hard, but talk to us instead :) we dont bite (unless asked reaaaly nicely)

realflifefaerie 20-09-2009 05:32 PM

*hugs everyone*

Went back to work today, I left to go to uni over a year ago. It was really weird but good all at the same time. Feel really unwell now though, not that thats anything new.

Strawberry.Bananas 20-09-2009 08:53 PM

Thanks guys. The only time I'm feeling...well, not suicidal, at the moment is when I'm out driving (well, being driven by my mum). I think I need to join the circus.

*hugs everybody*
Sorry I can't do anything more x

MammaMia 20-09-2009 09:09 PM

I'm being so pathetic :'(

~*Rainbow*~ 20-09-2009 09:14 PM

time to give up me thinks
dont have words to explain all that i am going through but i wish i did!!!!

I just wanna be free again............dont want to feel trapped...............wanna be outta scotland................i hate this place and the people in it .......................

free
how nice that would be

MammaMia 20-09-2009 09:39 PM

*cuddles Gil tight*

SoMuchMore 21-09-2009 12:31 AM

*hugs rainbow* i'm sorry you don't feel free... don't give up.
*hugs helen* you are not pathetic. Hope you are alight.

I am very tired... physically, mentally, emotionally... Thinking the way I am thinking is exhausting. I am so unsafe right now... I just can't turn my brain off, i hate this.

airfobrat 21-09-2009 03:55 AM

omg..more crap hit the fan today

another f*cker who is denying having had sex with me...even to the point of lying to me about it!!

i just want to know what i did to deserve this....it isn't fair.

*cries harder*

Kahlia1981 21-09-2009 08:01 AM

*hugs everyone* ~ sorry that it can't be more. There's been an awful lot of posts since I last checked in. I hope you all are starting to feel better but want to offer more hugs to all who need them.

I'm still down. I feel worse this afternoon than I have for awhile. And from where I'm coming from that's not a good sign. I'm just going to curl up in a corner and cry since I can't cry IRL.

MammaMia 21-09-2009 11:11 AM

*hugs everyone lots and lots*

Got my blood re-test today, am shitting myself about it and the results :'(

Kahlia1981 21-09-2009 12:13 PM

*hugs Helen* ~ Hopefully there's nothing to worry about hon.

*hugs everyone*

zowie 21-09-2009 12:27 PM

*Cuddles everyone*
I feel a little worse for wear today :o

Kahlia1981 21-09-2009 01:20 PM

*hugs Arwen* ~ I'm sorry to hear that.

I've been drinking and wish I still was but I stopped so that I didn't get drunk. I felt okay while I was drinking and everyone was awake but now the depression or low mood has kicked in again and I feel like OD'ing. I won't do it because I have to be strong, but I feel like I need to...

*curls up in a corner and starts crying*

youonlyliveonce 21-09-2009 02:05 PM

hi im bk im on extended leave till thurs then being discharged. hows everyone xx

SoMuchMore 21-09-2009 05:01 PM

*hugs arwen*
*hugs kahlia*
*hugs cherylwilson*
Sorry I don't have words for you guys...

I was trying to catch up on the posts here from yesterday, so i was reading the last page... and stumbled upon my post last night... i don't even remember posting it, in fact, i don't remember being on my computer at all last night. No alcohol involved... hmmmm... I don't think that's good. Makes me wonder what else I did online, although i haven't found any other evidence of anything...
Anyway, hope everyone is alright.

Ileana 21-09-2009 07:51 PM

'allo!

shadowedseraph 21-09-2009 08:44 PM

*crawls into the corner and cries*

realflifefaerie 21-09-2009 10:02 PM

I can't do this. I just want it to go away.
Can i hide?

Kahlia1981 21-09-2009 10:47 PM

*hugs everyone and offers tissues to those crying in corners*

I see the psychologist for the first time today. I'm more than a little bit nervous. I just hope that I will be able to learn to trust her enough to open up. At the moment I have no trust in her whatsoever due to my trust issues. I've been hurt by so many psych professionals and so keep myself guarded around them. I just hope it goes well...

MammaMia 22-09-2009 12:19 AM

*hides and cries so hard because I can't in real life and my mum cant find me hehe*

Kahlia1981 22-09-2009 06:48 AM

*hugs Helen*
*hugs everyone*

MammaMia 22-09-2009 10:37 AM

I am really struggling and now I'm really angry again (Y)

My two best friends are worried I'm beginning to develop two eating disorders and by telling them they feel even more powerless to help. I guess I have been slowly spiralling. One went far as contacting my mum. But she won't get that message because I've deleted it.

I forgot to tell you, my best who was meant to be in the ED clinic for five months, was taken off section and out of there the other day. Unfortnately she's in hospital again today after fainting, hitting her head and fitting :( She's done that quite a few times, it's not good. Last time it was because of stomach ulcers (which then nearly killed her when they ruptured).

Oh I didn't have my blood test yesterday. They re-made my 'doctors appointment' for Wednesday. Then this morning, I got a letter from a different GP, asking me to have a wee chat about how I'm feeling and after my A&E attendence. HAHAHAHHA. It's taken them FOUR ****ING LONG WEEKS TO FINALLY GIVE A ****????? I don't see why I should ****ing bother. They don't give a **** about me. Even my OWN GP DOESN'T CARE!!!!!

This is all too much. So much **** going down. I just need to die.

Strawberry.Bananas 22-09-2009 03:04 PM

Ok, Ok. I can't cope and I don't know what to do. The anti-depressants aren't working yet and my suicidal urges are stronger than ever. I feel like the only way I can stop all of this is to just finish it off. I don't know what to do. I don't know...

SoMuchMore 22-09-2009 03:28 PM

*gently hugs helen* I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's going on with you. But you don't need to die, we would miss you dearly. Do you think you are going to talk to the GP? I know you are mad but maybe you should anyway....

*hugs strawberry.bananas* Do you have anyone you can call? Maybe a professional? Hang in there hun.

*walks to a dark corner and sits down to watch my life instead of live it*

MammaMia 22-09-2009 04:37 PM

I am possibly going to, we'll see.

Ileana 22-09-2009 06:11 PM

I haven't been here in ages. I missed it.

lolly_x 22-09-2009 06:13 PM

needs a cuddle..x

Ileana 22-09-2009 07:22 PM

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up somewhere else, somwhere better, and realize (to my eternal relief) that this had all been a dream and I hadn't been misplaced but was instead just simply having a nightmare. Sometimes I think this feeling could only be achieved with death's release from this miserable, earthly existence. I don't know why some people are scared of dying, death could not possibly be worse than life.
I wish I was comatose, physically dead yet mentally alive and living in a wonderful fantasy without knowing it isn't real.
How could my inner world be so extremely different and better than the so-called real one? Why does there have to be such a huge gap between what I see and what I can imagine? And why do I have to be aware of this gap? Why do I have to bear the painful truth of its existence and the obvious difference between the two worlds?

Wow, I'm not feeling so hot. I'm sorry I ranted here. I feel exposed, unsafe. I think I just need comfort.

~*Rainbow*~ 22-09-2009 11:17 PM

im dorwning and nobody can save me - i;ve had enough dont want to do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!11

can i give up now please



hate my life
friends backstabbing
keep trying to find the answer at the bottom of the bottle

help me please

SoMuchMore 23-09-2009 02:32 AM

*comes out of corner to hug everyone* sorry to hear that so many of us are having a hard time right now.

Kahlia1981 23-09-2009 04:27 AM

*hugs everyone then tries to disappear into a corner*

Strawberry.Bananas 23-09-2009 08:34 AM

Guys? What's it like to go IP?

Katey-lou 23-09-2009 01:35 PM

*slips in and hides away*


sorry not been around i ended up bk in hosp :( im out on leave for a bit, but theyre talking about trying to get me in to a specialised unit. but im really not sure about it, it was only briefly mentioned t be but theyre going to be talking about it at the complex case panel and then at my CPA tomorrow. eeeuuurrggghhh why cant things just be simple and ok :(


thinking of you all xx

MammaMia 23-09-2009 03:07 PM

Oh Katey sweetheart *cuddles*

Vicki, hopefully someone can answer you soon :)

Kahlia, don't disappear.


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