*Hugs all, extra hard hugs to Laura.*

I can feel myself falling into that dark place. It's not good there. I do stupid things.

*cuddles Laura and Lia*
*glomps Lia 'cause I spy her!!!*

Laura, hon, I'm sorry that you're feeling burnt out. I'm also sorry that it might've seemed as though I ignored your post. :-/ Didn't do so intentionally but in retrospect I can see where you may have gotten that impression. What's up, though? just feel like you're doing too much? :( *extra cuddles*

Lia, is there anything I/we can do to help?? :( *gentle hugs*

cuddles all, had a really sh&t day at work. just feel numb and completely out of it, very spacey. really want to drink and feel numb and shut out the world rright now even if its for one night. meh.

I just need to keep busy. I'm writing and in a waiting room for a hotline. Writing's keeping me sane right now. I think it's kept me sane for a long while now.

*Hugs April.* I missed you.

*Hugs Jill* try not to do anything stupid honey. Talk to us on here, distract yourself with something.

*cuddles Lia* I've missed you too. <3 I'm glad that writing is keeping you sane. That journaling website I mentioned earlier might be a good place for you to go to as it's very interesting and rather funny. :) Not Christian but meh, it doesn't really matter when you're talking about journaling. And it was a very good distraction for me (and offers some very good journaling tips :D). Anyway, just a thought. I thought I recalled that you were also a journaler so maybe it would help distract you, I dunno. Sorry if I am totally off track. *extra cuddles*

I'm really tired. But no nap(s) today!!! That is an accomplishment for me. Just like SI, I think I am going to cut naps out of my life. ;) (Speaking of SI - coming up on 12 weeks free, without slip ups!!!... hopefully I don't jinx myself... :-S) Meh. This afternoon has kinda been blah, I don't know. Haven't played WoW for awhile, I think I'm kind of on hiatus, I really don't know. I wish I understood what was up with that. :-/

I really need to talk with my bestie. Even though she's a flake (and readily admits it, and knows that I think she is), or rather, can be flaky, hehe, she's a lovely person and I love her very much as a friend and sister (in Christ). And I miss being able to talk with her every week or even every other week. I mean yeah, we have phones, but somehow it's difficult to arrange a time to talk. But she's coming "home" (i.e., back to this area) this weekend which means I'll get to see her. ^_^ This makes me happy. I hope that we can hang out some this weekend as well... *crosses fingers*

Mmmmrrraarrghhhh................... :'(

Oh & Jill, honey, I (and probably others here) am (are) noticing a trend... you're turning to alcohol more and more. You said it would be just that one time... but it's not. Please try to be careful with that, okay, sweetie? And no, I am not condemning you for turning to it, I can totally understand wanting to shut out the world for a time - even though I've never drunk or gotten drunk - but I do understand the desire. Just... please don't let it become an addiction. :-S *cuddles* And please, please don't do anything stupid. We would all miss you here, I can promise you that.

cuddles both april and lia. dont worry you two, probley no point in saying this, but ah well, im okay even if i dont sound it. thanks you both.

Jill, I don't think you really are. I convince myself that I am sometimes too. And like April said, don't let this turn into an addiction. I understand why you want to. I know why you would want to just to anything to block it all out because you can't handle the pain and need to be rid of it, just free for a few moments. But it will only add to your problems. We're always here for you.

I agree with Lia, Jill, sweetie - I don't think that you really are okay. Like Lia, sometimes I try to "convince" myself that I'm okay by telling myself that I am - or telling others that I am, in the hopes that it will convince me - but it rarely works. What's up? You know that you can talk to us... we're here for you. :) *cuddles gently*

*huggles all who can accept them & waves at the others*

*waves at Hannah* - Hi and welcome to the VPW. Jump right in and I hope you find what you need here.

Mark & Laura: I'm currently on two meds for mood-stabilisation - the lithium and the topamax and I'm going to request the removal of the lithium. I know that it seems like a risky situation but I think I know what I'm doing. Thank you both for your concern however and please accept some big *hugs*.

*huggles April* - Just had to say you made me laugh out loud (literally) when I read the terminated/Terminator bit in your post before.

*walks around and offers everyone hugs before going out in the garden to play with Puppy SinClair*

hugs you both. i know i can, just struggle getting how i feel into words. really rubbish at. sorry. tend to keep it to myself untill it gets to a point, were i need to do somthing. i know that sounds stuiped. meh

i feel like i'm a bad wardy for not posting much *frowns*

My hands are playing up tonight. :( its so painful, they're just progressively getting worse as the night continues.

My best friend had some bad news on Thursday. So I was worried when I hadn't had any texts from her yesterday, by the time it was getting towards evening. When her Gran got in touch and acted like I'd done something wrong (my best friend's sister clearly been feeding her lies about me again) and turns out, my best friend had fell out of window in her sleep :'( Not jumped, as a suicide attempt, as originally thought. So yeah, was pretty ****ed off at things that got said, which were incredibly hurtful and one text was incredibly emotionally blackmailing.

*cuddles tight* Sorry you're feeling burnt out. You're not invisible though :)

*cuddles tight* Is there anything you can do to avoid that dark place? Or to help ease it?

You're not a bad wardy Julie *offers hugs*


Lindsay, what's pissed you off about your medical records darling?

Sarah, I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

Hannah, welcome to the ward :D I'm one of the orginals yay :D Hope you settle in well here.

Kahlia *hugs tight*

Claire, glad to see you're doing better.

*hugs rest of the wardies*

I'm off to bed. Sorry I've not posted much over past few days. Been busy with college & then other stuff and keep posting in here and then forgetting to check back when I am free :/

*glomps Hels and Lia 'cause I spy them!!* :) <3 you two. <3 all of you!!

Kahlia, glad I could make you laugh. :) *huggles*

Jill, all I can say is... please be careful. *gentle hugs*

Sarah, I'm sorry about your hands... :( If I may ask, what's wrong with them? I mean, do you have a diagnosis or anything? (sorry if that's a dense question or if you've mentioned before) *cuddles*

Ugh ugh ugh. I don't know what's the matter with me. I don't want to say "I'm depressed" but that's really what it looks like. I mean, I'm bipolar and yes I know I can have depressive episodes but I REALLY ****ING MISS being hypomanic. I WANT to be flying high again. :'( But here's what's been going on with me in case any of you can relate:
- it's been an outright struggle for me to get out of bed in the mornings. This is not like me at all. I usually bounce right out of bed, even if I have no place to go, by 6:30am at the latest. Ever since Jarrod started his suspension 3 weeks ago he's been having trouble getting up and apparently (or so I thought) I just didn't wake up unless he was the one getting up/waking me up. But we've been setting an alarm lately for 6:10am and I've just been lying there, in bed, covers over my damn head, dreading the day, despite the fact that I had nowhere to go.
- this may sound really small and kind of stupid to you, but (remember I'm a strings player, and you HAVE to have really short fingernails to play most instruments, and I've just gotten into the habit over the years of trimming my nails VERY short, so short it looks like I'm a nail biter) over the past few weeks I let my nails grow very long (well, to me). I've NEVER done that, to my recollection anyway, and only today did I get up the energy to trim them.
- don't want to take showers/baths even though I've been forcing myself to do so, even though I go nowhere.
- no desire to leave the apartment, in fact, haven't left it since yesterday morning and then only because my mum and I had a scheduled activity.
- been crying more over "silly" things like the past and old dreams (that was tonight).
- been missing SI more and more. Have accidentally scratched myself with a ring that I have (nothing that would leave a mark) and the pain meant nothing to me. Nothing. That felt like an extreme loss. :(
- been trying to find coping mechanisms other than ED/SI stuff and been failing miserably, wanting to turn back to my ED with such a fierce desire.
- haven't been playing WoW much at all when it used to be my only escape from reality (have been playing for nearly 2 years now). Don't want to talk to anyone when I do get on, even though they are friends of mine (don't have any "enemies" on there that I know of). Used to play daily, for hours-long stretches at a go.
- haven't been posting on here half as much as I used to, although I keep up with you all. Just... no energy. No motivation. Didn't want to worry you with what's been going through my head.

That's about it. It sounds like a major depressive episode to me which terrifies me, as I really don't want to spiral downwards NOR be put on (YET ANOTHER) med. Antidepressants (ADs) don't work worth **** for me. I see my NP on Wednesday. I also see my nutritionist on Wednesday and I'm terrified that I'll have gained a bajillion pounds because I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY MEAL PLAN.

:crying:

Sorry for the epic length of this post that's ****ing ALL ABOUT ME. I know I am not worth a post this length, but whatever....... :crying:

Sorry for such a freaking long post...

:crying:

...I feel so damn useless.

*huggles all who can accept* - Sorry, just not feeling up to much at the moment. *sigh*

*hugs april tight*
im completely useless right now [sory :/] but am thikning of you <3

*curls up in corner of ward and sighs*

*hugs lia* im sorry you feel you are going into a dark place. Try to fight it with everything you have though. I'm glad that writing is keeping you sane. Remember you can always talk to us.

*hugs jill* i agree with what lia and april said. I am concerned about you hun, even if you say that you are actually fine.

*hugs april* Don't worry it wasn't just you that made me feel kinda invisible. I'm not mad or anything like that. I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. You are NOT useless though. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head right now and with lack of energy I can understand why you havent felt like posting much. 12 weeks is AMAZING! I am so proud of you for that. Keep it up, I know you can make it out of the depressed state, just be gentle and patient with yourself.

*hugs helen* o wow i am so sorry to hear about the situations with your best friend. Hope everything is okay there. Is college going well? I know I understand being busy and not always having time to check on here so no worries about that. Glad that you are okay-ish though. Was just starting to worry about if you were okay or not (hence the post were i was like *looks around for helen* haha)

*hugs kahlia* You don't need to be sorry. You okay? and good luck with the changing (coming off) of meds. Hopefully your doctor is receptive to the idea. Especially as it seems you know what the risks are and it is what you actually want.

*cuddles heather*

Yeah, maybe i am doing too much... I just got an interview for another web design project... but its good right? I am getting experience so I can leave this place and go somewhere new. Taking alone time tonight.. Yes i know its kinda lame for me, a uni student, to sit alone in my apt on a friday night, but i just don't want to deal with anyone right now.