I just wanted to send some hugs and love your way. I'm so glad that things are looking positive for your mum :)

Could I just point out that regardless of what age you are, this type of news hits hard, hits fast. You don't see it coming, and it hurts. It hurts more than if you were prepared for it. But even IF you were prepared, it hurts just the same.
Whatever happens, happens though. I've lost my dad to a 5 year battle with cancer. So if you need me, PM me... Ask me anything....

Thank-you. I still feel like I should be able to deal with this better now, although I am usually fine now, just struggling a bit again the last couple of days. But then, most people I know haven't experienced this yet so I'm not really sure what's 'normal' to feel, and sometimes I just get a bit overwhelmed.

My mum's getting worse pain back again today [back pain is one of the symptoms of this type of cancer]. I think she's a bit worried, which is understandable. I'm trying to reassure myself about what the doctors said about it all seeming like a good sign (they haven't done any blood tests/CT scans etc for a while now, but they're basing it on the lack of pain etc), but I am kind of worried too. I know I'm probably just being silly though, my mum's not on any pain relief anymore so it is still a really good sign. And maybe it's just side effects from the radiotherapy, they said it might build this week.

I cried lots again after I went training tonight, but only when I was alone. I am being happy and positive at home as much as possible, I am being positive when I'm with my friends etc. But sometimes I just want to cry a lot because I need help too. I know it sounds selfish, but I seem to be falling into a bad place at the moment, not just about this but all of it. I've got an exam next week, the one I missed in May when I got detained, and I'm stressed about that too, so maybe it will all seem better after that.

I don't know.

Liv anything that you feel is completely normal, there is no set way to feel when you're going through something like this and you hit the nail on the head there when you said that you need help too. Of course you do, that's not selfish, that is completely to be expected.
I read a quote today which said "We are healed of suffering only by experiencing in the full" so I think you need to give yourself permission to feeling Liv and have someone you can share those with.
*gentle cuddles*
I'm always here if you ever need to talk sweetheart.
Are you still getting support from your psychiatrist in the run up to your exam?

Today someone from the hospice came round to see my mum.

After she had left my mum said the lady wants to meet me [and my brother and my dad] at some point. I asked why, and my mum said 'Because you might need her one day'. I said no I won't, because she'll be retired by the time I need someone. My mum said 'No, you'll more than likely be about 26'. She was trying not to cry, but she hugged me and she was crying.

That's 5 years away though. Do I have any right to cry over something that could easily be 5 years or more away? So many people go through so much worse, what do I have to complain about?

I hate the uncertainty. I hate being scared it will come back. I hate this and I feel so guilty for feeling like this when it could be so far away but it might not be and we just don't know.

Edit: In fact, I hate being scared it will come back before we even know if it's gone. I hate all of it.

Liv, I wish I could give you a big hug right now

That's such a scary thing to hear, I can't imagine what it's like. It doesn't matter how far away it could be; your feelings and emotions are never wrong. You can't control them, and repressing them will have even greater consequences.

Please don't feel guilty- there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm here for you x

Thank-you Gemma.

I'm so scared, I'm so tired of being optimistic and positive about it all and I just want someone to give me a hug and talk to me and let me cry for a while, but I can't go to my mum about it because I don't want to make her feel worse.

I'm so scared of losing my mum, even if it won't be for 5 years. I just want some certainty, we just need to know what's going to happen, whether it's gone or whether they'll need to remove some of it with surgery and everything, and they can't give us that yet.

Have you got a friend you can call? I think you really need someone to speak face-to-face to

Anyone would be scared if they got told they could lose their mum, whether it's 5 days, 5 years or 5 decades. Unfortunately the doctors can't promise anything but they'll get some answers soon. The waiting game is horrible- I guess it makes you feel a little frustrated and out of control?

I can probably text my best friend tomorrow, I don't want to at the moment 'cos her son's asleep (hopefully hah).

Maybe it will be good if the woman from the hospital does want to meet us. I don't know when/if she's actually going to, I haven't asked. She's only been round twice, but I could probably ask my mum otherwise. My aunt's seeing someone from Macmillan to talk about it all, so it might help.

I do feel really frustrated and out of control. I don't know if I'm angry or sad or scared or all three and I don't know what I should be feeling. I just feel stupid for overreacting but I think it's just because of the radiotherapy ending next week and the woman from the hospice coming round today.

That would be good, do you think you'll be 'ok' for tonight?

I think that could really help you and your family. Don't be afraid to ask for as much support as you need because you are far from overreacting; there is no way in which you should feel. There's only how you actually feel and it's important to accept and express whatever emotions you are feeling

Take care x

Can I just say hun, don't be too scared about talking to your mum about this. I know you are trying to protect her and be strong around her. But she doesn't sound daft to me. She is going to know how scared you are and she is going to be scared to. Perhaps just having one honest chat and cry together about how rubbish and scary all this is might actually help bond you and ease both of your burdens a little?

I do think talking to the hospice/Macmillan staff is a good idea as well. They might even be able to arrange some regular counselling type thing if it helps you.

Yeah, the hospice said the first time they came round that they offer a free counselling service, so that might be good 'cos it would obviously be specialised towards talking about this kind of thing. Next time my mum mentions her I might bring it up.

I'm coping better today, so that's good. I heard my mum crying on the phone this morning to her sister, she was saying that the hospice lady said about making memories and she wants to live to be old and she won't be able too, but she also said she will get back to being in a better place again so that's good. But even if it's only 5 years that's still 5 years of good memories with us all. And it might be longer than that, I heard something about someone who was given a year and lived for 12 years, so it could easily be for a long time.

My mum just said that the woman from the hospice said that the doctors probably won't ever say that the cancer has gone away, just that it's in remission which means there are no signs or symptoms and it can't be detected. So that's still good, 'cos hopefully they'll be able to say that and it will be in remission for a good few years or something.

Thank-you for the replies, it really helps to see everything written down, it helps it all make sense. x

Yeah I think that could really help you. Glad to hear that you're coping better today; and it's true about making memories. The future may be uncertain, but that's no reason why you can't enjoy the present.

Don't have much to say right now, but I'm thinking of you and your family. Take care x

Making memories is a good idea, regardless of your mums cancer.
None of us ever know when our hour is up and at least if we have plenty of good memories of each other it helps.

You have potentially 5+ years left with your mum. Use them well. Remember them. Document them. My mum died suddenly, I didn't have that chance. And most of my prevailing memories are of fights we had.

Thank-you. And I'm sorry about your situation with your mum too.

I think my mum is still worried about the pain in her back that she is getting, she says it's worse this week (back pain was one of the main symptoms my mum had before the treatment started, and then it stopped when the treatment helped). But then they said the side effects from the radiotherapy would kick in this week, so it's probably just that hopefully and then it should get better next week hopefully.

Sorry to keep bumping this, I know I just keep saying the same thing, it's just sometimes it helps just to write it down and get some support.

Don't apologise; if it's helping then keep bumping up the thread :)

It probably is just the side effects- would it help your mum to see a doctor or something just the reassure/double check?

How are you today?

I think my mum's spoken to the doctor about it, she got some tablets today so hopefully they'll hope. I'm not too worried about it as such in that I've read about the side effects of radiotherapy and I think it's probably that [expert opinion heh]. I'm more worried about seeing my mum worried if that makes sense, it just keeps it in the back of your mind. But hopefully the tablets will kick in and that will sort it.

I'm ok today, I'm starting to feel a bit better again. I hope you're ok too :) x

That makes sense to me- it hurts to see other people hurting. Which is we we all want you to be ok too Liv :)

You sound a lot more genuinely positive, too :D
Take care x

Sometimes watching Casualty is a really bad idea.

Yep, it really is.
Just remember babe that most of what you see on there is exagerrated and dramatised beyond recognition. It is not realistic.

My dad is a hospital doctor and says most of what you see on those programmes is bollocks (except for Scrubs - he loves Scrubs, even though the X ray in the title sequence is the wrong way round!).