*curls up with plushie and hides from the real world*
I'm just.. well to simplify.. i'm getting very tired of always having to watch what i say around my friends. Its stressing me out more than anyone could imagine. I want to just be able to talk without analyzing if what i am saying could be construed as mean/wrong... Its taking a lot of effort to hold it together right now and I dont need this extra annoyance. Okay.. yeah, now i sound selfish.. but saying that i don't like an (american) football team from another state is not a reason to get upset or think that i am dissing their state/have no respect for them... some people need to grow up. grr! Sorry i'm really annoyed, and this is going to turn into a long rant if i keep going.

Thanks for the hugs crimson.

April - whats wrong hun?

i'm just so damn over it all. frustrated that jarrod & i can't seem to find things to do together anymore. he comes home from work, he goes on a run/jog (& i'm invited but either it's too hot, or i'm struggling with abilify side effects, or i'm exhausted, and i know i wouldn't be able to keep up anyway), then he goes on wow or does something similar. and even on wow we don't play together anymore because we enjoy different aspects of the game. i don't know. it's just driving me insane. :( i hate how this is going, but i don't know how to change it.

plus i mail ordered some meds really late today and i feel so stupid for that.... gonna be about a week before they get in and i don't know if i'll actually be able to get them at all... tegretol & neurontin (gabapentin). one a mood stabilizer, one an anti-anxiety. stupid stupid stupid me.

i don't know. i just feel like, well, ****. i'm struggling yet no one sees it. or maybe i'm not struggling at all? i really don't know...

Luke: I was tempted to ask if you were living in Townsville - where I live - (even though I know you aren't) because that's almost exactly the response-type we get all the time from our MH crisis/A&E workers. I hope you find something soon - I'm sorry I don't have any advice . . . I just really hope that your psychologist can get you that referral 'cos it sounds like you need the meds. But I really hope you do start to feel better soon.

Sorry for the lack of individual replies everyone . . . I have to go to the hospital today to see the psychiatrist. :-( I'm already starting to get a bit edgy. My housemate has given me instructions to have no more Xanax than strictly necessary so that the Doctor can see things as they truly are. He's also asked me to bring certain things up. [Mentioned in my thread if anyone is interested - link in signature.] I'm seriously stressing about it - but also because I'm going to ask my psychiatrist to set up a meeting to try and organise the Institue of Mental Health Services enforcing the recommendations from the HQCC and that means supporting my real diagnosis [schizo-affective disorder, DID] and appropriate treatment for the diagnosis - the two things they have been refusing to do but the HQCC says they should do and should have been doing. I'm a bit scared to be perfectly honest. And that doesn't help . . .

*hugs april* im sorry things arent going smoothly right now with jarrod. Try to be patient, relationships go through rough patches, as you probably already know... And i mean, you two sound like there are major changes coming up/going on in your life so things are bound to feel a little off for awhile anyway.
And you are not stupid for ordering your meds late. It happens sometimes. I hope that you are able to get them all.

*hugs kahlia* Hope things go okay with the psychiatrist and that he is able to help with the anxiety. Try to be as honest as possible. Also, hope that you can get that meeting set up. You should be treated for your real diagnosis, thats so unfair that they currently aren't.

hugs everyone. Sorry guys. I'm so over all this, so over fighting. Sick and tried of fighting this day and night. Trying to keep my anger all bottled up so I don't say something I later regret. Friday couldn't come soon enough, really past the point of caring. It will be better this way as I can't see the point trying to pretend anymore. Sorry

*cuddles everyone lots*

*hides in the warren & cries softly*

*chuckles to self* some of the things people say where i work... true gems...
*rolls eyes and heads home*
*hugs everyone and hopes everyones doing ok*

*huggles everybody*

Back from the psychiatrist:
- beta-blocker has been massively increased
- next option is to add a tricyclic anti-depressant to try and control the anxiety
- he said that the anxiety is definitely not psychotic but most likely is from the schizo-affective, definitely agoraphobic or generalised anxiety disorder types
- the SH type urges he thinks are my brain trying to help me find a way to cope with everything that's going on
- he agreed with my diagnosis and has agreed to uphold it and support it if I required hospitalisation
- he also said that he would organise a second-opinion if required
- he didn't think the meeting would be necessary, although he would organise it if I really wanted to go ahead, because he, as head of my treatment team, could set and keep my diagnosis and treatment options

Overall quite a good outcome. Just got to process and work out what is going on. So ...... stressed .....

*hugs crimson* wow.. those people in your workplace sound.. um.. interesting. Thats so ridiculous.

*cuddles april, helen, and jill*

*hugs kahlia* im glad that the psychiatrist meeting went well. Hopefully you start getting some better treatment.

*hugs luke* sorry to hear that you had a nightmare. If it makes you feel any better, here in this virtual ward nobody would ever treat you like that. If you feel that calling your psychologist would help, I encourage you to do that. I know you are very discouraged right now with the whole MH system, I would be too if I was in your position, but reaching out to someone who you know cares could potentially help. Oh and I was gonna ask: have you thought about having someone advocate on your behalf?

I'm trying to write... and I dont mean journal... I mean actually write, caring about the words. Maybe i'll post it in here if I am able to do so. I dunno why i always get the urge the write at 2:30am.. but here I am. Wide awake. Thoughts going every different direction. Want to disappear and just want to be held.. to be gone and distinctly alive all at the same time. Stupid me.

*Hugs Everyone*

Busy Busy day , Bloods to be taken by the nurse in less than an hour , then housing support worker coming at lunch time, then accupuncture at 3pm (I quite like the accupuncture when its quiet) , hopefully all that will distract me from my Psych Dr appointment tommorow afternoon although I am worried about the evening , I don't want to dwell on it I'm freaked out enough as it is :S

*Hugs Kahlia* I hope the increased meds help you , you had a LOT of news , must be overwhelming.

*Hugs Luke* I'm sorry you feel so crap :(

*Hugs Laura* Writeing (Sp?) could be good just to get things out ,it could be cathartic , I know what it feels like to want to be in all different directions I'm doing that right now too :S

I'm so lazy, got up about 12, its now 12.30, had my breakfast and now I'm just lying on my bed again, I really want to get out on my bike and go for a ride in the woods and I need to tidy my room and practice but I havn't got the motivation, I just want to sleep.

*hugs all*

*curls up in corner*

*cuddles Luke* So sorry that the MH team that you see is being so crap. But other than condolences, I don't have much else to offer, sorry. :( I hope that the ADs you're going on now will help, not harm. Thinking of/praying for you (that is, if you don't mind the prayers). Hang in there.

*cuddles Oliver* Sorry you're feeling so low & tired/drained. Personally, I wouldn't call that lazy, I'd call it a symptom of depression. But I do really want to just sleeeeeeeeep myself, hah, and my parents and friends are kinda forcing me not to. Oh well. :-/

*cuddles Laura* I hope you managed to get some sleep last night, and also managed to get out some good writing. I'd be interested in reading it if you care to share - if not, that's okay too. I'm sorry that you feel like a paradox lately... I understand that, though, and I think it's something that a lot of us (here, at least) go through from time to time.

*cuddles Kahlia* So glad to hear the good outcomes!! That's awesome. :D

*cuddles Mark* Hope your bloodwork goes well as well as all of the other stuff you have going on today, & hope that the acupuncture helps a lot to calm you down. Anxiety sucks. Also, good luck with the meeting/session tomorrow... hopefully you meet some lovely people. *curls up next to*

Me, I'm going to spend some time with a "new" friend - someone I knew at uni but with whom I only recently became close friends. She's a real sweetie, I think, and is fun-loving and kind of crazy (in a good way). :D So it should be a blast. I'm just really tired is all, which is really super annoying!! :-X Hopefully I will be able to sleep some this afternoon... naps are becoming a daily thing now, which isn't that good, but at least they aren't super LONG naps, right? :-X

*cuddles all that I didn't mention & leaves out a tray of no-cal cookies & some juice/hot chocolate/coffee for those who want some*

Cuddles everyone. Hmm I'm feeling kind of low today, would love to just crawl back to bed and just sleep away the rest of today.=(

thanks guys, yeah i guess it is a sympton of depression, I just hate it, especially when my mum is always having a go at me for being lazy and not doing anything, even though I told her I'm on AD's, she just thinks its because I'm a little unhappy.

*hugs all*
sorry no individual replies, I just havn't got the concentration at the moment, I will reply when I can

*cuddles all*

Feeling really low today, sore (damm wisdom teeth) and really ill. Ugh.

*curls up with blanket*

*waves meekly* Hi. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, I slipped up earlier, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get the will to live back. *sigh*

*hides in the corner with a blanket*

*huggles everybody*

It's just past midnight here and I was contemplating going to sleep .... but really don't feel up to it. Just feeling blech and over it all. Kind of like ... I don't know ... I guess it could best be summed up as: I spent ages working on an assignment (web design thing) and then got it to work, walked away and when I came back it had stopped working ..... I've fixed it now but it just .... irks me.

ARG!! My accupunctre appoinment was canceled , they didn't ring me , I walked all the way across town , it took me like 25 mintues , I took the scenic route but thats not the point , they have my number and I think they should have called . I was REALLY hopeing the accupuncture would help calm me down with regards to my Psych Dr appointment tomorrow which is FREAKING me out , will he hospitalise me ? will he not hospitalise me ? I want both and neither ARG!!

*cuddles everyone* I'm so drained right now. I'll try to catch up with individuals later. Oh and poem I wrote is in my r/v if anyone is interested... Its not very good... but at least its something.
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...d.php?t=106265

Laura I like your Poem , it's good , I'm no expert but I do think it's good *Hugs*

Thanks Mark *hugs* I'm sorry the acupuncture place didn't call you before canceling... that is really annoying. Hope that things go okay with the psych appointment tomorrow.

Hugs everyone. Not a great night tonight, it's crazy and sad when you see how bad things have got. and you know it's not going to get any bettter as there is no know cure, sorry just want to curl up and cry.

*Hugs Jill* I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now:( we are always here if you want to talk :)

I feel like giving up.

Since I spy you, Hels, & you posted... what's up, love? *cuddles gently*

Laura, I'll try to read it in a bit... just woke up from a nap & am a bit muzzy-brained at the moment, lol. *hugs*

*cuddles helen* don't give up hun. Whats wrong?

*hugs april* thats okay, you dont have to read or anything. Its just there if you want to. Hope you had a good nap.

*hugs jill* im sorry things arent going so well right now. Try to do something nice for yourself, maybe that will help distract/relax you.

Thanks ladies *cuddles you both* Just really low, so fed up with everything to be honest. Plus to top of it off been really rough all day - so shattered && keep going hot/cold really quick & got a sore wisdom tooth as the pointy bits are through (or coming through). Just sooo low. Even nearly crying now & I don't know why.

*curls up*

*hugs helen* im sorry your day has been so bad. Here if you need.

*curls up in an invisible corner and breaks down*

*trigger warning- language*

Sometimes I really hate our life. everything is always ****ed up it seems..
looks like we are gonna have to drive ourselves to the ER saturday morning. friend cant take us..her husband is having massive problems and she cant leave him alone.. not safe for him.

so we have to drive ourselves to somewhere we arent fimiliar (hiding has horrible driving/traffic triggers for anxiety)
then we have to be seen and try to get help and psych eval .. and have no support with us. *sigh*
I am pissed because husband wont take us.. but hiding says to leave it be ..hospitals are like a trigger for his chronic depression or some such BS.
just typing this is making our shoulders tense and hurt alot..ugh..

GRRR
SADIE

a little victory is still a victory *throws confetti*

*hugs Luke* yeah good idea thanks, I don't want to bother her though, she got really stressed when I told her about the AD's, she thinks I'm happy now cos I've come out, doesn't quite work like that.
I'm really sorry to hear how bad the MH team have been with you, what they said to you was disgraceful, have you considered making a complaint?
I think it would be really good if you could be honest in your appt tomorrow, I know its hard though. Well done for throwing the tablets away, it definetly is a big thing.

*hugs Sadie* I'm sorry its going to be tough going to the hospital, I hope Hiding is ok with the driving and you get there safely and that the appt goes ok.

*hugs Laura* whats up?

*hugs Mark* thats bad about the acupunture appt, I'm sorry you walked there and then found out it was cancelled, that really sucks.hope your appt goes/went ok, confused as to when it was, sorry

*hugs Helen* I hope your tooth stops hurting soon, can you take some pain killers for it, sorry your feeling so low, sorry I don't know what to say to be more helpful.

*glomps April just because I spy her* how are you doing?

*hugs everyone*

Imanaged to force myself to do stuff earlier, went for a 45 min cycle, did some weights and exercise when I got back, did a bit of tidying of my room and played the piano a bit, even if it was the wrong instrument to practice.
But I'm just feeling so depressed, not really suicidal, want to sh a lot, but just feeling really dead inside, like nothing there and I hate it. Going ot the dr's tomorrow to hopefully get my AD's again, as I forgeot to get enough begore coming home, I just hope this dr's have changed my name and gender on the system otherwise it will get awkward.
Alex is going much better now, he went to an FTM group and had a great time, found out one of the older guys who runs it works with his dad, who is having a problem with Alex being trans, and said he will speak to his dad if need be.
I'm getting very trangsty though, music course next week where I have to pretend to be a girl.

Random question. does anyone start watching a tv show, like a soap, just because they have a character or storyline that they can relate to, or is similar to them in some way.
I've just started watching Hollyoaks because they are introducing a young ftm trans guy next week, he arrives as a girl and it comes out he suffers from GID, so I wanted to watch it to see how they did the story etc.
Just wondering if its just me that dies that, because I would never watch Hollyoaks otherwise

Sadie says thanks, but for future .. she isnt big on mushy ,love stuff lol

Hubby said he doesnt wanna go if he doesnt have to cause he hates hospitals but Sarah told him we really dont wanna go alone.. he said he may go with us afterall.

I hope so.

I'm being made to give up my blades. I have to hand them to my doctor on Saturday morning. I so do not want to do this. :(

How do you know when there is nothing left to hold onto?

sorry everyone. Im a bad wardmate.. no replies right now.

*hugs Laura* It's alright. We understand the no replies.
*hugs everyone*

I get to see my T tomorrow and tell her about my breakup, and how it's thrown me into the binge/purge cycle again, and how I'm actively SIing... geez. Oh. and the nightmares. I get to tell her about the nightmares of my mother setting me on fire. gah. I'm a mess.

And on top of that, I'm talking to a cast member of mine (the one in my profile pic) on facebook and he makes me feel all giddy... hell. I'm such a mess. And the giddyness is the last thing I should be thinking of.

* hugs Luke * Way to go on throwing away the pills , thats really positive :)
*Hugs Jessica*I'm sorry they are making you throw away your blades when you don't want to, that must be really tough on you :S

*Hugs everyone else* I'm up early (for me) Psych Dr appoinment today (Argg!) and befriending apointment in an hour (:S) thankyou to everyone who has wished me luck and sorry I didn't do many replies.

Oh and Oliver *Hugs* I was watching a movie a little while ago and the woman had depression which made me empathise with her more.

*cuddles all*

My tooth seems to be a little better today :D More my cheek that's hurting at the moment. We shall see how it goes. Still feeling low. I'm pissed off actually, I have a stupid meeting today instead of signing on, so thought it was 12.30 so got up late enough to still leave early but do stuff. Good job I checked, it's at 12!!! Argh STRESSING now >.> Really don't want to go at all.

*Hugs Helen* I 'm glad your tooth is feeling a little better . Whats this meeting you've got ?try not to stress about it ( I'm one to talk I know).

*Hugs Luke* Don't feel ashamed , try and be as honest as possible (I'm one to talk again!)

I feel hypocritical offfering this advice when I struggle to take it myself , *Resumes Freaking out about my Psych Dr appointment at 2pm , just under 3 hours to go......*

*glomps Mark cos I spy him!!* Hehe... How did the befriending meeting go? (or is that later?) Also, I'm sure that your pdoc appt will go okay... just hang in there... hopefully no matter what s/he'll make the right decision for you right now. I hope so at least!! *gentle hugs* Maybe pop on WoW to do something mindless for a bit, maybe level up a profession or something?? Just a thought. :)

Laura, sweetie, what's up? *cuddles gently*

*cuddles everyone else who wants cuddles, and waves at those who don't* Sorry for the lack of many individuals... :(

*huggles all*

I didn't sleep last night, nor today.
I went downstairs and took my washing off the line and hung my housemate's washing.
I also walked to the shops . . . very scary today because my DID was ... playing up (??) ... due to the lack of sleep and (as my psychiatrist would put it) my firewalls were down so it was easier for me to switch personalities.
Mind you, I got quite a bit done on the assignment last night/today. I only have two web pages left to do. Yay.

Sorry for not being supportive at the moment. I'm really struggling to keep concentrating on what I'm doing.

*offers hugs to all and leaves safe care packages for every ward member and guest*

Oh I've not played WoW for a few weeks :S I'm bad at it .
My Befriending appoinment went ok , My nurse went with me for support , the befreinding woman seemed nice and I have some information to mull over about it.
I could sleep but then I might sleep too much heh :)
I might ring my parent if they are in , my Mum is at the hospital to have her foot cast replaced I think or to have her foot examined at any rate , sorry I'm wafflleing on.
*Hugs April*

1 Hour to go . am starting to feel physically sick .sorry

im starting to get nervous/panicky about going to ER tomorrow night or SAt morning.
trying to at least keep sarah calm by reminding her she can bring her teddy bear with us and that if they keep us/admit us..hubby will bring her bear to her from car.

hoping they will let her keep it with her if they admit us.. its her biggest comfort.

I really dont know how to calm my own nerves, however it does help a little bit, thinking that maybe we wont have to go alone and hubby will take us. i really really hope he does.. it super sucks bad that hospitals trigger his depression so bad.. cause i understand, but i really need him there with me.
=/
am i being selfish?

*Hugs Hiding* I don't think you are being selfish , I hope your apointment go's okay for you and your Hubby can cope with his triggers at the hospital. It's a good idea to take the bear for Sarah I think.

Argh feel like screaming today is just **** in so many ways. Curls up and hides.

Well that meeting went okay actually, useful. Now I have to start signing on every week - fun times :/ Did bit of shopping afterwards, needed some essentials and stuff including birthday stuff for two birthdays in August :) I'm so tired dude. Went to bed early last night but woke up a couple times, the second one keeping me up two hours :| Oooh need to make phone call aswell, oh what fun that could be :S About some applications I made.

Thinking of you Mark as I know your appointment is in 15 minutes time *cuddles*

April, how you doing sweetie?

Kahlia, I'm sorry you've not had any sleep for past couple days, hope you do soon sweetheart.

Hiding, hope your hubby can cope with taking you to hospital and that it isn't too stressful for you either.

Sorry to everyone else that haven't done an individual for, am thinking of everyone though xxx

PS. Has anyone heard/seen Hayley round RYL lately?? I know she was going to be moving soon but can't remember when, will have to try track down her profile...

I'm freaking out now. :( Why did I agree to do this? I don't want to lose my blades. Not now.

**** I'm so angry and upset, how can parents do that do their child