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Kitkat :) 18-05-2010 04:48 PM

She's busy all this week but she offered me the 25th of May but I have an exam that day... God knows when I'll see her.

katnovia 18-05-2010 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat :) (Post 2303306)
*fiddles nervously*
I hate calling people. I just... It makes my heart beat really fast and my breathing go all funny.
And I'm nervous about seeing her and stuff, last time I saw her she looked at me like she'd given up on me.

i get like that too hun. *cuddles* i'm sure she hasn't given up on you sweetheart, she just might be having a hard time finding the right answer for you, or at least one that might be productive.

Doikers 18-05-2010 04:53 PM

Hmmm , I'm sorry to hear that KitKat, Could you ask to be seen earlier? *HUG*

Helen , It's good that you got to speak to one of your best mates for a bit :) ? I hate feeling alone too *HUG*

*HUGS Kat* I'm sorry , it must be so confusing for you with all your alters , I wish I knew the right words of advice :S it's good Rosie and Amy are playing nice though .

lynx 18-05-2010 04:59 PM

*Hugs Hels, both Kats & Mark*

I want to let it all out, I want to write it out, play it out on the piano but all I can see is death, violence and rape. The only thing shutting up my mind is work but afterwards it comes back twice as bad.

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303313)

*HUGS Kat* I'm sorry , it must be so confusing for you with all your alters , I wish I knew the right words of advice :S it's good Rosie and Amy are playing nice though .

:S thats the thing though, do they exist? i'm so confused. cos right now, it feels like i made them all up. which is just wrong. why would i? but i feel like i have and i do.

i just dont deserve to be on here. i just dont deserve all your kind support.

edit: *cuddles lynx* i feel your feelings hun. i wish i could help. but i dont know where i am right now

Doikers 18-05-2010 05:14 PM

*HUGS KAT* You totally deserve our support as much as everyone else , don't tell your self anything different :-) < * Thought a smile might cheer you up a little*

Oh Tineke I'm sorry you're having such a hard time too *Hugs* could you try just writing how you are feeling down , just to get it out of your mind onto paper then rip up the paper , throw it away ? Just an Idea , maybe it would help :-)Smile for Tineke too .

MammaMia 18-05-2010 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303305)
your cuddles are so nice helen *sinks into them* i feel like such a wreck, i can barely keep tabs on what's going on, i have to read back over this all the time just to know who i am and what i'm saying (if that makes sense?) I don't know anything much about altars either, i've never had any help, i'm just kind of muddling along with what i've learnt from seeking help online. pretty pathetic really. thing is, when i'm me, like now, i feel like i'm making them up, that they dont exist, but if they dont exist, and i'm not ill then i must be seriously ill..right? you know what my trouble is? all my life i've never known what truth is. what reality is. everything I think i know, i second guess and destroy my knowledge. I analyze and over analyze until i just dont know who i am anymore, and i don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be ignorant for once and go back to wondering why my life was ****, instead of having found answers.

Thanks, I've been told that quite often, so it must be true. I'm not surprised you feel like a wreck. What you said about having to keep checking back does make perfect sense. Could you ask for any help with them?? Just you shouldn't really be struggling with them alone I feel :( You're not making them up, but I can understand why you feel that you do. Sorry, I know this reply isn't very useful heh :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat :) (Post 2303306)
*fiddles nervously*
I hate calling people. I just... It makes my heart beat really fast and my breathing go all funny.
And I'm nervous about seeing her and stuff, last time I saw her she looked at me like she'd given up on me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat :) (Post 2303308)
She's busy all this week but she offered me the 25th of May but I have an exam that day... God knows when I'll see her.

I'm the same with phone calls & could you not ask to see her earlier than that or at a different time that day??

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303313)
Helen , It's good that you got to speak to one of your best mates for a bit :) ? I hate feeling alone too *HUG*

I'm glad I got to. Speaking to the other one right now as it so happens. LOL :( But whether I'll be alone tonight still remains to be seen, oh well, lots of good TV tonight to keep me going if am alone :( *hugs tight* How you doing today??

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynx (Post 2303324)
*Hugs Hels, both Kats & Mark*

I want to let it all out, I want to write it out, play it out on the piano but all I can see is death, violence and rape. The only thing shutting up my mind is work but afterwards it comes back twice as bad.

*cuddles tight* I'm sorry, I have no useful words, but wanted to hug you tight.

Still really want to OD :( For ****'s sake >.> I promised I'd be 'good' lol :( But yeah, doesn't make the urges/screaming any better =[ Sorry, you don't need this. I know everyone's struggling :'(

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:19 PM

mark: i dont know what i'm telling myself, am i telling myself i'm not worthy of help and support? or am i just trying to convince myself of the truth? i'm so confused i can only be certain of things that are physical, you know?

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MammaMia (Post 2303348)
Thanks, I've been told that quite often, so it must be true. I'm not surprised you feel like a wreck. What you said about having to keep checking back does make perfect sense. Could you ask for any help with them?? Just you shouldn't really be struggling with them alone I feel :( You're not making them up, but I can understand why you feel that you do. Sorry, I know this reply isn't very useful heh :(

it is useful. you're listening. most people run away from trying to help. I want help i really do. I just dont know where to turn, or if i can. I can't afford private, and the nhs here is horrendous as i've said before. I feel so alone, trapped with all this going on in my head, and a smile on my face for everyone else. i want to OD too. i know i shouldn't but i do. I dont want to admit i feel like that though. *cuddles helen tight* stay strong. you're beautiful. everyone here is beautiful.

MammaMia 18-05-2010 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303358)
it is useful. you're listening. most people run away from trying to help. I want help i really do. I just dont know where to turn, or if i can. I can't afford private, and the nhs here is horrendous as i've said before. I feel so alone, trapped with all this going on in my head, and a smile on my face for everyone else. i want to OD too. i know i shouldn't but i do. I dont want to admit i feel like that though. *cuddles helen tight* stay strong. you're beautiful. everyone here is beautiful.

I'm glad I'm being useful. I'll always listen, just can't always offer anything useful other than that :( NHS is horrendous indeed. >.> I'm not surprised you feel so alone & trapped right now :( Anyone would. I don't blame you for wanting to OD :( *cuddles tight* I'm trying to stay strong..

Doikers 18-05-2010 05:34 PM

*Hugs Kat and Helen* Please don't OD either of you guys , you could really do some damage and no-one here wants any harm to come to you .

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:37 PM

i do mark, i want harm to come to me, because i want the people around me to see what is going on in my head. i want them to see the pain and confusion. but i cant.

*cuddles helen back tightly* we'll make it. right?

Doikers 18-05-2010 05:39 PM

*HUGS Kat*

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:40 PM

*hugs mark* i could do with a real one of those. but jacks at work and my parents, well they just dont know. and they're ignoring me any way.

Doikers 18-05-2010 05:50 PM

Sorry in my delay in posting back to you Kat, I'm cooking and the P.C. isn't in the kitchen but there's an idea ! Why do you say your parents are ignoreing you? I'm sorry if that is the case :( Here have another virtual *HUG* it's the best type of hug I can offer .

katnovia 18-05-2010 05:54 PM

it's alright, delays are allowed. its just they seem to pick and choose when it is convienent to 'not know' i needed them. my mother is very controlling and manipulative. she plays mind games. always has. which is why im so messed up. *huggles*

edit: right, i just rang her and told her i had the ambulance out here last night again cos of gallstone pain and that i'm still in a lot of discomfort and struggling with hazel. she claims as it's tuesday she thought i had company, now i've not had companyon a tuesday for about a year and a half and she knows that. but apparently it's my fault im alone and struggling because i should have rung her at 1am this morning when the amublance was called....? and i wonder why nothing makes sense.

MammaMia 18-05-2010 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303367)
*Hugs Kat and Helen* Please don't OD either of you guys , you could really do some damage and no-one here wants any harm to come to you .

*hugs Mark & Kat* I'm trying not to :crying:

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303374)
i do mark, i want harm to come to me, because i want the people around me to see what is going on in my head. i want them to see the pain and confusion. but i cant.

*cuddles helen back tightly* we'll make it. right?

I kinda feel the same way as you Kat :( *cuddles back tightly* We will ALL make it through.

Sorry for delay in posting, keep getting distracted.

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MammaMia (Post 2303416)
*hugs Mark & Kat* I'm trying not to :crying:

I kinda feel the same way as you Kat :( *cuddles back tightly* We will ALL make it through.

Sorry for delay in posting, keep getting distracted.

it's alright hun, patience is something i have a ton of. comes with being a policewife. *pulls mark over for a group hug because it's easier* I've emailed the samaritans recently, and a group called lifeline..but it's the best effort i've made and i know it's pathetic.

MammaMia 18-05-2010 06:24 PM

*GROUP HUGS*

Lucky you having patience, I don't have a lot sometimes. LOL. I'm glad you've contacted people for help, hope they don't take too long to reply :) It's not pathetic, it's great!!!

Hahaha soooooo dizzy >_> Can't do anything about it though until I get those stupid pills.

Doikers 18-05-2010 06:25 PM

Kat , It's not your fault , It really isn't. I've e-mailed the Samaritens before now , I don't know if yo've e-mailed them before but give them 24 hours to get back to you ok, don't be upset if you don't get an instant reply ok:) and it's NOT a pathetic effort , It shows you are trying really hard to get help .*Hugs*

Helen , what pills are you getting ? Sorry did I miss a page , sorry . Are you good dizzy or bad dizzy ?

wildly insane 18-05-2010 06:25 PM

wow that's a lot of posts, would love to help make everyone feel better but I'm afraid I can't *sits down with a bump* bloody useless sorry

Doikers 18-05-2010 06:35 PM

*Hugs Hannah* I'm sure you're not useless . The posts here do fly by a LOT of the time , it's hard to keep up .Oh and try not to *Bump* too hard , especially whilst sitting down , you could bang yourself unpleasent :)

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:36 PM

*cuddles mark* yeah, i've mailed them before, so i know how it goes, it kinda takes the edge off, but i know it's not going to actually solve anything.

*huggles wildly insane* what's your name hunny?

Edit: ok, hannah :P *cuddles helen* i can't remember what you posted..*cries* damn head *bangs head on ward table*. But i remember something about pills.. and dizzyness, so if it's bad dizzy i hope it gets better soon.

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:41 PM

i spy an oliver and an angelic_monster (name gone, sorry love. damn head again)

wildly insane 18-05-2010 06:48 PM

hello Kat, I'm Hannah :) I've never actually managed to get up the courage to email the Samaritans, so good on you.

thanks Mark, I "bumped" okay, nothing hurt

I'm in a pickle, I've been offered another job interview a week on Friday, still recovering from the last one which I haven't heard from yet and I have to write a 10 minute presentation, that and apply for a PhD by Monday and go to Copenhagen for a weeks worth of meetings next week and I don't feel capable of putting myself through it again and yet I can't stay here, I'm holding myself together with a thread and all I want to do is cry and yet I have to pull myself together and try and make things better. I don't have any strength left.

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:52 PM

*huggles hannah* that does sound like a predicament. have a good safe cry on someone's shoulder. let it all out of you and you might find it easier to face. *shrugs* i dunno, my advice is probably a bit out at the mo.

Parents are now here. luckily. and i have a date for my operation, so now i've got to prepare hazel for being without me for a day and myself for the recovery time afterwards. i just dont want anything else to deal with right now. i dont think i can take much more.

i spy an april

Scarletdreamer 18-05-2010 06:55 PM

yep i'm here, kind of........ sooo anxious. :crying:

updated r/v thread......... :'(

*cuddles for everyone who is struggling*

MammaMia 18-05-2010 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303446)
Helen , what pills are you getting ? Sorry did I miss a page , sorry . Are you good dizzy or bad dizzy ?

Iron deficiency pills :) I haven't mentioned them since Friday I think it was, so don't worry & it's bad dizzy :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303470)
*cuddles helen* i can't remember what you posted..*cries* damn head *bangs head on ward table*. But i remember something about pills.. and dizzyness, so if it's bad dizzy i hope it gets better soon.

*cuddles lots* It's okay, don't bang your head babe :( It is bad dizzy but it will get better soon, I hope :S

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303504)
Parents are now here. luckily. and i have a date for my operation, so now i've got to prepare hazel for being without me for a day and myself for the recovery time afterwards. i just dont want anything else to deal with right now. i dont think i can take much more.

*cuddles tight* Glad they're there and hope Hazel doesn't take it too badly sweet xxx

katnovia 18-05-2010 06:58 PM

*cuddles april then wonders off to read april's thread*

Edit: *cuddles helen* I lived on iron tablets during pregnancy. I take it you're anemic then? *sighs* my back hurts. damn stones. *curls up in a ball* I dont want to hurt any more, physically or mentally. I think hazel will be alright, though she's really mummyfied.

Doikers 18-05-2010 06:59 PM

*Hugs* Kat , good luck preparing Hazel and I'm glad your folks showed up for you :)

Hmmm Hannah I wish I had some good advice for you :S I Love your name , My sister is a Hannah as is my Best friend , I know that doesen't help you but you're in good company :)

wildly insane 18-05-2010 07:03 PM

*huggles everybody*

Hi Helen, I hope you feel better soon

That's okay Kat, I know the answer - it's get off my arse and get it in gear although right now I haven't even managed to get myself to eat any dinner and I'm off dancing in half an hour *shrugs*

PoisonedApple 18-05-2010 07:06 PM

Well I read 6 pages of posts and didn't retain much... though if I remember right Hels was referring to Iron tabs for anemia.
Oliver, that sucks about your situation. Have you pulled the teacher aside after class and talked about it?
It's ok Kat. I totally understand. I'm Crimson. :)
Last night was infuriating but I WoWed my way through. This morning my MIL was supposed to bring me to work since she doesn't come to work much later then she screwed it up. Apparently her curling her hair was more important than getting me to work on time. She finally left the house with me when I was supposed to be getting to work. *face/palm* So I decided to say **** it and take the bus to and from work so I don't have to deal with the stress and b.s. and be late all the time.

MammaMia 18-05-2010 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303519)
Edit: *cuddles helen* I lived on iron tablets during pregnancy. I take it you're anemic then? *sighs* my back hurts. damn stones. *curls up in a ball* I dont want to hurt any more, physically or mentally. I think hazel will be alright, though she's really mummyfied.

Yeah, I apparently am :( *cuddles* Sorry your back's hurting & that you're hurting mentally too. I'm sure she will be okay :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildly insane (Post 2303535)
*huggles everybody*

Hi Helen, I hope you feel better soon

Thanks Hannah *cuddles*

Doikers 18-05-2010 07:06 PM

*Hugs April* I read your thread , You don't need to die ,I know I've felt that way sometimes but you will get through this , YOU WILL. Having anxiety really sucks though :(

*Hugs Helen* Oh right I remember you saying about the iron pills! When are you due to get them ? Soon I hope .

PoisonedApple 18-05-2010 07:07 PM

Sigh that post took way longer than it should have...

*anywho...
*huggles everyone and leaves waves and huggles for all not present*

MammaMia 18-05-2010 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303551)
*Hugs Helen* Oh right I remember you saying about the iron pills! When are you due to get them ? Soon I hope .

*hugs Mark* When I somehow afford them or manage to get them free from my JSA :(

Doikers 18-05-2010 07:16 PM

Helen , surely if you are anemic you could go to your GP and get them prescribed? or is the GP not an option? sorry

SoMuchMore 18-05-2010 07:17 PM

*hugs kahlia* I really hope that your psychologist can help with you DID.

*hugs kat* I'm sorry about your gallstones. I know they are horrible, my dad is a surgeon, and he often operates on gallbladders, so while i've never experienced them, I've heard some stories. Luckily, gallbladder operations are fairly routine so I'm sure if you need one it'll go okay.

*hugs helen* I hope that you get your iron tablets soon! No fun being dizzy all the time. I'm also glad that you got to talk to one of your best friends, it's always nice to hear from friends, plus i know that you are worried about them.

*hugs crimson* wow that would be really annoying... I hate when people dont seem to care if you are gonna be late for something important, like work.

*hugs mark* How r u doing?

*hugs april, julie, hannah, lynx, heather, and taz*

*waves at owen*

*hugs everyone else* sorry if i missed you.... As i said before, I know i'm being crappy at replying lately.

I have literally nothing to do today, so i think i might clean my whole apartment. That'll waste some time... and hopefully keep me distracted.

one_step_closer 18-05-2010 07:20 PM

Your WHOLE apartment? Wow!

SoMuchMore 18-05-2010 07:24 PM

lol yes lindsay, my whole apartment... its not as impressive sounding when i say its just a one bedroom tho.. haha

wildly insane 18-05-2010 07:30 PM

have fun cleaning Laura, it's definitely a good distraction

I have to go dancing, didn't get around to dinner, just want to give up

Leaves cuddles for all who want them and ginger cake :)

Doikers 18-05-2010 07:31 PM

I'm doing ok thanx Laura , Don't know what to do this evening , I want to harm grrrrr . I don't know if I've got the patience for a movie , I tend to "Zone out" a third of the way into them ,heh not had concentration for quite some time , , just ran onto a neighbour and he told me a graphic story that involved him sl*shing his face , Ugh , maybe thats why I'm triggered , I just said hi to be polite . ALL my neighbours were out front , I got mini crowd anxiety :( and came back in ........

MammaMia 18-05-2010 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303576)
Helen , surely if you are anemic you could go to your GP and get them prescribed? or is the GP not an option? sorry

I can, but I'd still have to pay? :S

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fallinstar0317 (Post 2303582)
*hugs helen* I hope that you get your iron tablets soon! No fun being dizzy all the time. I'm also glad that you got to talk to one of your best friends, it's always nice to hear from friends, plus i know that you are worried about them.

*hugs Laura* Thanks darling. It's not, I ended up collapsing whilst going downstairs, on the stairs, so now have given myself an even bigger headache. JOY! I actually got to talk to them both in the end. But I was worried about being alone because I knew one wouldn't be on (the first one who came on earlier this afternoon) and then the other one has been on since. Still might be alone as tonight goes on. It's only 7.31pm at the moment....I am very worried about both. Esp the first one who came on & won't be on tonight :(

Trying to eat my dinner, can't be bothered :(

Doikers 18-05-2010 07:33 PM

ejoy your dancing Hannah :) What sort of dancing do you dance?

Doikers 18-05-2010 07:35 PM

Yeah ,ugh , sorry I forgot about prescription charges Helen , My bad :(

katnovia 18-05-2010 07:41 PM

mark: I can only prepare her if jack and mum and dad work with me, jack especially. though i havn't quite figured out how to work it all yet. *cuddles* yes, i guess i'm glad too, slightly bitter that my mother would rather go to her church group (nothing religious about it at all...) than stay with with her daughter, but at least my dad seems to care. I'm sorry that you want to harm, your neighbour wasn't very thoughtful. I'm always zoning out, what you need are a few short things to watch. like cartoons, or comedies. I like M.A.S.H.

laura: *huggles* yeah, i'm having the whole thing whipped out keyhole june 15th. you wanna come clean my place too? lol. alright it's 8 rooms, nine if you include the loft.. so plenty of distractions :P ;)

lindsay: *hugs* didn't see you sneak in there, how are you?

hannah: *hugs* it'll get better. can you eat something when you get back? Dancing eh? what kind? I used to dance...once upon a time. *munches on ginger cake* might help sort my tummy ache

Helen: *cuddles* just to let you know i'm thinking of you

*thinks to self* i bet there's more posts already....

EDIT: i was correct! helen, if you're on low income have you filled in a prescription charge exemption form???

wildly insane 18-05-2010 07:42 PM

Ugh that doesn't sound like what you want to hear from a neighbour *hugs* hope the triggeredness lessens and you find something to distract you

tonight I am ballroom and latin dancing but I also modern jive

*hugs Helen* they both know you're there for them and that they mean the world to you, try not to worry too much. Feeling alone is tough, I hope you are okay.

MammaMia 18-05-2010 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2303639)
Yeah ,ugh , sorry I forgot about prescription charges Helen , My bad :(

It's okay :) We all forget little things..

Quote:

Originally Posted by katnovia (Post 2303646)
Helen: *cuddles* just to let you know i'm thinking of you

Thanks darling :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildly insane (Post 2303650)
*hugs Helen* they both know you're there for them and that they mean the world to you, try not to worry too much. Feeling alone is tough, I hope you are okay.

*hugs Hannah* Yeah, I know they do. But I am very very worried & have every right to be considering what they're going through right now. Sorry if it seems I'm snapping, but it's just you don't know all the facts :) I know that's because I've not told you/this thread....Enjoy dancing.

I feel even more sick, feel like giving it helping hand lol. Pathetic. Still really want to OD :'( *curls up and hides*

katnovia 18-05-2010 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildly insane (Post 2303650)
tonight I am ballroom and latin dancing but I also modern jive

wow. brilliant! my mum and dad used to be ballroom and latin partners. gold medalists. they taught me a bit, jack and i can do a social foxtrot and a samba.

Doikers 18-05-2010 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildly insane (Post 2303650)

*hugs Helen* they both know you're there for them and that they mean the world to you, try not to worry too much. Feeling alone is tough, I hope you are okay.

^^This ^^


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