*hugs everyone*

You ever get the feeling that one day is pretty much like another? That life is just crap and you really start to understand the lyrics to the M*A*S*H theme song (Suicide is Painless)?

Oh by the way... no community help was offered. I saw my GP yesterday and he suggested rebounding to the hospital but my housemate and I made it clear that they wouldn't accept me back. I was released from PICU in a suicidal state with no help. The health system here is a way of slowly killing people.

I'm just going to go sit in a dark corner until I disappear.

*hugs Annie* I'm glad that your partner knows about those things... maybe tell him this weekend? If he loves you he won't harm you, physically/mentally, and if he does, well then, he's not worth your time. Sorry to be blunt but that's really how I feel. If he truly cares for you then he will accept you as you are. I hope that that doesn't offend. *offers another hug?*

Alan *hugs* I hope that you manage to find a job soon... seems like there ought to be all sorts of IT/computing jobs available but I guess with the recession(s) etc. things have gotten a lot worse than before. I just hope that I'll be able to find a job when I graduate (I'll be done in August, graduate in December if all goes well). I'm kind of scared about that... :ermm: I'm going to get everything done that I have to get done... no excuses for someone as a senior in uni. :( I hate that, or feeling like that, but oh well.

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm so sorry, sweetie, that they just let you off so easily. What did they do in hospital to try to help, or did they not do anything at all? med changes or anything? You have a psych, don't you? So you could talk with him/her about med changes, because maybe you need a med tweak right now? Sorry for all of the questions, just trying to brainstorm!! *more cuddles*

Listening to Pillar right now... just bought a new album at Walmart & uploaded it to my hubby's comp so it can go on my iPod. It's angry music... lol. Rocky & loud. My mum would HATE it. :P But I did hear about this awesome group called Anonymous 4 that is a group of four women who sing religious chants etc. from the 6th to the 14th century, I think. Heard them in Women & Spirituality last night & it was like all my anxiety (which was through the ****ing roof at the time) just disappeared... so yeh, really need to get that album!!!

*hugs everyone, then gets some LifeWater & a good book*

*cuddles for everyone* Sorry i can't do individual replies right now.. my brain is pretty much done for the day after 2 anxiety attacks and other drama..

I feel like I am being manipulated... but i can't put my finger on what the point would be.

*cuddles everyone lots*

Sorry, I can't do indvidual replies.

Keep having flashbacks tonight :'( They've stopped again for now at least. Plus panic attacks. Ugh. Had a really good laugh with my best friend J and we involved my other best friend G a little bit :P

i get drunk because it's the only way i can cope. i guess it's just another form of self harm. but it is getting ridiculous. he doesn't even wanna see me. ****. why does it make me feel so bad? :( i just wanna hurt myself even more now. :'(
*hits her head against the wall and cries*

*cuddles everyone*

April: In hospital they put me into PICU to reduce the stimulation but other than that they did nothing. They told me one thing and then did nothing about it - I was supposed to get an ultrasound of my shoulder that never happened - I was put on brufen for the excruciating pain in my shoulder and that only once every 12 hours. No med changes. I don't have a pdoc or tdoc so I'm a bit out of my depth. They just wanted to get rid of me because I was taking up a bed that someone more worthy than me should have.

*hugs everyone*

No sleep again. Sensory overload. Cold. Sleep but not quite. Headache. Arms and legs and tummy sting. Hungry. In 12 hours Partner finds out. We're scared of how he might react.

just wanted to give you all cuddles, and to please ask for some in return because I really need them.

:'(

*BIG cuddles for Kahlia* I personally can't think of anyone more "worthy" of a bed than you, love... you need the help. Is there any way that you can get a tdoc/pdoc so you can get some meds etc.? I'm so sorry that they hardly did anything for you... that's awfully rubbish heathcare, really is, and I see absolutely no point in what they did(n't) do. Well, giving you the Brufen was a good thing but they obviously didn't do it enough... *more cuddles* Wish I could help more... I'm here to talk though, anytime - I check RYL throughout the day at uni & today I don't have to be there (uni) until 1:30pm so yeh. ♥

*cuddles LauraStar* Why & where do you feel like you're being manipulated? Hopefully not here on RYL... how're you doing today? did you get any sleep last night? I'm sorry to hear about the panic attacks... they suck. Do you know what brought them on? are you on any anti-anxiety meds? ♥

*hugs Annie* I hope that your partner will be kind & understanding about the injuries. He ought to be... I also hope that you managed to get some sleep last night & are feeling a bit better this morning.

*huggles LauraFriend* I'm so sorry for what's going on in your life, love... :( Getting drunk IS another way to self-harm, it can do awful things to your liver as you know, and you don't want to get cirrhosis. Please be careful... *holds you gently*

Kitty snuggles are once more available. :)

I'm feeling okayish right now. Just got up a bit ago... started the Depakote last night & am hoping against hope that I won't have any bad side effects. Guess if I haven't had the GI ones like nausea etc. yet, I won't... I hope not anyway!! I'm taking Depakote ER if that makes a difference... and the pills are GINORMOUS!!!! :'( I hate huge pills. :(

I want to listen to music... hmm, what shall I put on... I think Steven Curtis Chapman... pretty calm music. I really need to look into getting the album "Miracles of Santiago" by Anonymous 4. It's religious chants/songs from the 6th-14th century, very lyrical & anxiety-relieving. :) I heard it in Women & Spirituality and it was VERY calming... good because I was having an anxiety attack the entire 3 hours. Heh. :( Not good.

*sigh*

:-( horrible headache

I'm not feeling great, i could really do with some kitty snuggles...

*gives everyone cuddles*

*sends Daniel over to snuggle with Jocelyn* What's going on, love? *cuddles*

*cuddles Helen* How you doing today, sweetie? flashbacks still, or have they calmed down some?

I've been on WoW for awhile... got some dailies (quests that you can do every day) done so that's good. Feel icky now though because I ate breakfast like my mum told me to and now I really want to purge... so ****ing full!! I HATE FOOD. :(

Want to cut kind of too, but mostly I just want to sleep. So exhausted. Got up at 6am today when I ought to've slept in until 7am... so rarely do that & it would've been so nice!!

I don't think I have a ton of schoolwork to do (at least, that I can do at the mo)... just reading the next chapter in soc and reading 2 chapters in health psych and one or two in advanced counseling. *shrug* Lots of reading - oh, and reading more of Joan Chittister's book, gotta finish it by Wednesday. Gahh. Guess I have more than I thought I did!! :ermm:

:(

They've calmed down, hopefully won't come back for a while. We'll see.

*hugs everyone*
*slides down to sit on the floor*

*goes makes some cakes for everbody to share*

*cuddles Helen* I hope that they won't come back... ♥ How's your day going so far?

*cuddles LauraFriend* What's up, sweetie?

*huggles Jet* How're you doing today? Oooh cakes, what kind? :P

It's been a mixture of good and bad. Sat here crying over something really lame.

*hugs*

Kahlia, Annie, Joc, Helen - i hope you're all feeling a bit better *hugs if wanted* take care :)

Jet - cake?!?! om nom nom :) i looove cake :)

April - i dunno. everything is p*****g me off at the moment. people are like "blah blah blah" without realising what they're saying is just making me feel worse. and it's just stupid things but it's all making me feel rubbish :(

my friends want me to go out again tonight...i'm really not in the mood for it. i'm shattered, i haven't done enough work, i'm still hungover and my arm kills after cutting last night...but i'll get massively bored if i stay in which will just make things worse, but if i go out i'll get horrifically drunk and i don't want to feel like i did last night again. argh.
i should just sleep. stay in and sleep. a lot. and not get distracted and go out somewhere....argh.

Hugs graciously received thanks Laura friend and April

mmmmmmmmm did someone mention cake???? yum yum yum...

ive got a nasty headache, painkillers didnt help. I'm alright just a little exhausted i think. Ive got ethan tonight aswell :-/ eek!

sorry the pcs hurting my eyes when i read for too long so i cant catch up properly *cuddles to everyone who wants them*

*sinks into the new large corner sofa (its a pretty damn cool sofa) under a fleece blanket*

*cuddles kahlia* Im sorry you are feeling so poorly and that they didnt even help with your shoulder at the hospital. Stay strong.

*hugs april* that sucks that you have so much school work to do.. i have a ton too. Keep fighting those urges.. I know its hard...

And no i am not on anti anxiety meds. I don't actually see any doctors or anything about any of my issues... I've been there and done that.. it didn't help and i cant go now b/c i cant afford it and ive convinced my family that i'm alright, so i cant ask them for money help on this. and i dont think im being manipulated here... its with that friend that i had a fight with over the weekend... she wasnt talking to me and then she sent me a message that i dont want to just dismiss b/c she could be in a very dangerous mood... but she has so many people to talk to, idk she would ask me about this thing.

*hugs laurafriend and jet*

*hugs helen* its okay to cry over lame things sometimes... hope you are alright

*hugs jocelyn* sorry that you have a headache. Hope that it goes away soon.

I feel like i should just go back to sleep... even tho i didnt get up until like 10am. Idk why i'm always soo tired. Anyway, hoping that today is better then yesterday.. I'm not sure i have high hopes for it though...