=[ i cant help cuz kind of same atm... but im here if you wanna talk =[

Thanks darling. Mums now off on one because I can't eat spicy food without being ill. I don't know what to do :(

Edit - She bought a box of fajita spice mix around 6 months ago, she refuses to stop putting it in everything, even though it makes me really ill. ¬_¬

I bes back -spots sarah and waves-

*clings to helen* I can't do this helen. i've SI'ed twice today, and i still wanna do more. I can feel myself slipping back into that darkness again and I don't like it :( I wanna stay here, I don't wanna be back in 'that' place. :( *cries*

*clings to Kitty* I'm going to go hide in bed where its safe. She knows I'm mentally unstable, why does she do this? Night ward *cuddles*

-hugs sarah and rubs her back- I'm sorry about how your mom is treating you. Does she know what your sister did to turn up the way she did? If not, could you mention it to her? Could you by any chance move out and distance yourself from her for a while? I know it's hard, but your well being is more important. You say she knows you are mentally unstable, yet she treats you like that? That's not good or healthy for you. :(

-hugs nicole- I'm sorry you are struggling with SI. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from hurting yourself any more? Please look after your wounds.

*squishes everyone and wishes i could actually help =[*

*hugs sarah, kitty and heather*
Can I give up now? Please?

-hugs heather- How are ya doin?

-rubs and pats nicole's back while hugging her- no. No giving up. Sorry.

Please? I can't fight this anymore, I really can't I've tried so hard. I honestly have. I've spent the last 4 years fighting, slipping up. Then fighting again, but I just can't do it anymore, Its won. I can't live like this anymore.....

*offers hug* hmm... do you think if you found somewhere to live that wasnt at home it'd be easier? [or did you already move out? i forget :s]

try to take care hun =\ i'd miss you a ton if you werent around and i know im not the only one <3

Nicole, I know how you feel. And I'm sure others here do as well. But you can't give up. If we were to ask you the same thing I'm pretty sure you'd say no... -hugs- I know that doesn't sound right. I cant say anything right. Gah Amara is back again. Sorry I can't be more help.

-sighs and sits in the corner again and hits the back of her head against the wall at a constant rate-

*hugs heather and kitty*
Heather-Sorry, was that aimed at me?
Kitty-I know I would tell you no :( I'm such a Hypocrite :(
I'm tired but too scared to sleep :(

-hugs nicole back- it's ok. I understand that you are scared. I just wish there was more I could do to help... -sighs-

-spots felicia and waves- how you be?

*hugs kitty* Thats ok, Thankyou for just being here, you've calmed me down a lot. I no longer feel like I am an immediate danger to myself. So thankyou for that.
Now I just need the thoughts and flashbacks to go away, and I might be able to get some sleep :(

-hugs nicole- good, I'm glad I could help you calm down. And I can really relate to the flashbacks, unfortunately. And unfortunately, I don't have any idea how to make them go away. Amara likes to use them against me, so I wish I knew how. -cuddles- I'm here for you to talk to, though. Sorry if my replies are a bit slow, I have to constantly hide this screen. -.- But I am here. Will be for a while.

*hugs Nicole, Kitty, Heather and Sarah* your all amazing, no one is allowed to give up. Wish I could do more to help you all. Here if anyone wants t chat, talk rant whatever.


EDIT: Nicole and anyone else, while I was in hospital this nurse helped me to calm down while having a flashback, he made me do these random things but it did work, took a while and they don't go for ever, but for a good few hours.
so what you do, is breathe slowly in through your nose for 3 then out through your mouth for 3, you keep doing that for a while, then you wiggle your fingers and toes (strange but he said it was important) you concentrate on your breathing and fingers and toes, then you imagine the flashbacks and the things you can hear/see floating away and becoming more and more distant.

It takes lot to do and it was helpful having him sit there so when they were coming back and I was losing my concentration on the breathing and fingers and toes he could remind me, but after a while they became distant and I could stop freaking out and was able to go back to the day lounge for a few hours and then sleep.

It might not work, but worth a try

-hugs oliver back- I don't know if "amazing" is a word that could describe me very well. But how are you doing?

*hugs kitty and oliver*
kitty-Thanks, Although I am hoping to get some sleep soon.
Oliver-Thanks for that, I will try it soon. Gonna stay on here for a while and calm down a bit more, then will try that when I go to bed. How are you?

*hugs kitty* I'm debating whether to stay up all night and pack, or sleep for 4 hours, get up at 7 and pack, but I am awful at getting up and would likely over sleep.
went to e gym for 2 hours and cycled there and back, for a few minutes after I felt good, now I feel empty and depressed again, wish I could die, but I don't have any motivation or energy to act on it.

-hugs nicole and oliver- well...hmm...we are all pretty f*ked together then. Least we have each other I suppose, right?

*squishes anyone who wants*
*curls up in corner*

*hugs oliver, kitty and heather*
Eugh. We definatley are all pretty ****ed. But it will get better-right?

-hugs heather- wassa matter?

-looks at nicole blankly after hearing her question- Uhhhhhhhh...least we are all together.. -bites her bottom lip, wondering if it WILL ever get better-

*curls up under blankie and yawns*
i's ok. sleepy.
dont wanna sit exam tomorrow =[

-snuggles with heather- I'm sorry hun. Is there something you can take to help you get a good nights sleep so you can be well rested for the exam? I know how much anxiety those damn things can cause. I hope you do well on it. -smiles-

Will it ever get better? -ponders- I've been asking that question for 15 years now...haven't had any positive results. -sighs- I just want to give up..

*Hugs Heather* Good luck on your exam tomorrow! <3 you.

*hugs Kitty* I've been asking myself the same thing... for almost 15 years. I don't know an answer, I hope it does... for both of us.

So. damn. low.
I wanna sleep it away. can't.
*sigh*
*curls up in ward*
I'll be here for awhile it seems.

-hugs felicia- I sorry. I dont know what to say to make it better. Im low as well. Amara is here nagging at me. Tried walking to the library earlier, thinking it would help to get out. She followed me. She kept talking to me in the library, mocking me really. It was quite frustrating. -sighs- -curls up next to felicia-

I'm sorry, Kitty. Is there any way you could drown her out?

I'm thinking of suicide more strongly, like I don't want to get rid of my stuff when it gets here. And all that jazz. *Sigh*

-hugs felicia- unfortunately, I can't drown her out. She is everywhere, including in my mind. So even if I listen to music or watch a movie I can't focus on it because she overpowers everything. :(

And I know how you feel about suicide. I have what I need to succeed, but, I don't know. I know that I don't want to die around the holidays it would be harder on my family and stuff. But I'm seriously considering it...

I don't mean to sound like a hypocrite, but I don't want you to die. I know I haven't known you long but you seem like such a good person. Me...I'm not. I am not good at anything, cannot work, probably won't be able to finish school so I will have to be dependent on the state, and my husband and mom don't understand. I am not even good at helping people. I feel like a complete waste of space and time and everything. :(

No, Kitty, you aren't a waste of time and space. You're such a nice person, and you're so supportive. I wouldn't want you to die either. Everyone in this ward has impacted my life, and I love all of you. (And that is why I basically only post here). *hugs Kitty*

Oh, and I'm not really good at anything either, if it makes you feel better.

-hugs felicia back- you are a lot better at supporting than I am :S

Off to bed. Have to go to an appointment with the husband tomorrow, but will be on after. -hugs ward- hope everyone is doing well..

*Hugs Sarah*
*Hugs Kitty* Don't listen to Amara Hun You're a lovely person :)
*Waves to Owen*
*Hugs Lia*
*Hugs Oliver*
*Hugs Louise*
*Hugs Nicole*I'm sorry you feel so low hun *squishes*
*Hugs Heather*
*Hugs Felicia* OH Man I would miss you if you Died , Please consider trying to get rid of your suicide stuff when it arrives hun :S

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Lindsay* How are you?

My Dad and Sister came into town to go grocery shopping, so I went along to help , Oh My Days! ( Thanks Lia ) people are pushy and oblivious to others in the supermarket , some are polite but Wow! It was too crowded ,I got anxious enough to need to take a Diaz as soon as I got back , My dad had to drop me way down my road as it is inpassable in his car . To top it all I could feel a damp patch on my right leg where my phone was rubbing my leg so I fished out my phone and it had blood on it from where I Self Injured last night the rubbing had re-opened the wound a bit, thank goodness I am wearing black trousers , and to get the blood off my phone before I even thought I Licked it! Ugh that taste of blood , please don't get any more triggered today .....

*Hugs Mark* I hate crowded places. It gets to a point where I want to puch everyone in the face, although they have as much right to be there as I do. Blood tastes gross. I for one, will never be a vampire. Try and focus on something that distracts/calms you. Or just hide your stuff so you're not as tempted. I threw one of my blades across the room weeks ago and I still don't have a clue where it is. I should fine that, it has blood on it. I like to say oh my days :) Since I can no longer blaspheme, I need something to say in situations where it's inappropriate to swear.

I have lit some "Sunrise" Insence in the hope on creating and nice atmosphere , I have music on , CD just ended I'll go and put on a new one shortly . I could never be a vampire either , I wasn't thinking oh I'll lick it off , I just DID it without thinking about it , I think I'll start using "Oh my Days" I think it's neat although slipping on ice and Sh%t! comes out automatically . You should look for that blade , you wouldn't want to step on it by accident . Anyway , How are you hun? *Hugs*

Sorry, I wasn't ignoring you, I was just doing other things with this open in the background as usual. I know I should, but it's somewhere amongst the huge pile of things at the end of my bed and it takes way too much effort. However, I've done hardly anything of use since last Tuesday so I might just do that.

I'm alright for now, you've set me in a productive mood so I may clean my room/look for my blade/clean it if I find it/do my coursework today :) I'm glad you're keeping yourself distracted. Each urge you even try and fight is a step in the right direcction.

I've just wrapped My Dad's Presants for my Mum because he is unable to get up to my flat and they are here because I ordered them on his behalf to be delivered to me so My Mum wouldn't get suspicious about packages arriving at their home , I did my best but they are scruffy a bit , I'm no good at wrapping presants , I don't like doing that.

This has set me in a determined mindset , Thanks Lia *Hugs* . I know you weren't ignoring me :) don't worry I was in my bedroom and still on here too .

*hugs ward*
I had a dream about a ward Christmas party at my house last night. It was interesting/funny/awesome.

*Hugs Felicia* That sounds cool !!! How are you hun ?

Back in , well an hour at the most I hope :)

Hey Felicia *hugs* How are you?

Glad I was able to help Mark :) I am no good at wrapping either. It's always a disaster.

*cuddles everyone*

I have to go work soon. It's been snowing again!!! I think we're going to have a dead night boooooooo :(

I don't know how I am at the moment. It's an odd mix between low and not feeling. Eh.

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Helen* I hope work go's okay for you :)

*Hugs Felicia* I'm sorry that you are feeling that way :(