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-   -   Life feels scary (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=260870)

[Luna] 19-10-2020 03:43 PM

Life feels scary
 
I don't really know what I want from this thread.
Perhaps somewhere safe to be honest but I don't know how long this method will stay safe.

I've been hearing voices and seeing horrible images really intensely. People are following me gain and watching. They get triggered out during this end of the year. They want to brainwash me into killing myself. I can hear them shiwpering from the drains and they are scrambling my thoughts.

I'm really struggling to focus and formulate some sort of plan.
I have two options: Go into hiding or plan for my death.

[Luna] 19-10-2020 05:02 PM

I'm confused. I need to be making plans to avoid being brainwashed into dying but they are saying I am selfsh for not want to die. They said if I really loved my friends and family I would be more than willing to die.
I don't know what I should be doing now.

one_step_closer 19-10-2020 05:09 PM

That all does sound scary. How have you managed this other years, I think you said before it happens around this time of the year? I think your family would be devastated if you died, they would be so upset. Have you told anyone what's going on? What would going into hiding involve? Would anything help you feel stronger?

[Luna] 19-10-2020 05:53 PM

Last year I had a bad crisis and ended up trying to commit suicide.

Going into hiding would mean going somewhere until the danger passes, I can’t be specific and I won’t be able to tell anyone where I go because that means they will be able to find me. The huge risk is that they hurt people if I do that. That’s what I’m terrified about.

Unbreakable. 19-10-2020 11:46 PM

Can you try to challenge what they say?
These whispers do not have your best interest at heart.
They are lying to you.

Are you able to talk to your wife about it?

Darkwings44 20-10-2020 02:36 AM

*hugs you*

[Luna] 20-10-2020 09:28 AM

Thank you both

My wife knows a lot of what is going on. She's trying to be supportive.
I've been looking into how to get rid of bad spirits/demons.

It's so difficult to think at the moment.

one_step_closer 20-10-2020 11:20 AM

Is there a kind of in-between where you acknowledge the whispers etc but don't act on what they say? I don't think you have to do what they say and kill yourself. I understand it must be awful for you but you have more control than you probably think you have.

[Luna] 20-10-2020 12:07 PM

They keep showing me all the horrific things they are going to do if I don't listen.
I need to work out how to get rid of them.

[Luna] 20-10-2020 03:22 PM

I’m out and I keep getting confused and scared.

Cacoethes 20-10-2020 03:31 PM

Can you find somewhere safe to sit and get a bit more grounded?

[Luna] 20-10-2020 04:16 PM

I found a bench in the park that feels safe.
I took a diazepam which doesn’t really feel like it’s doing anything.
My exercise class starts soon which is good because a man and woman have been watching me.

Cacoethes 20-10-2020 04:29 PM

You're doing really well Luna
I'm glad you found somewhere safe to sit
I hope your exercise class goes well

one_step_closer 20-10-2020 05:09 PM

It sounds like you're really trying so hard despite what's going on, please keep going.

[Luna] 20-10-2020 08:17 PM

thank you so much to you both.

I made it through my exercise class and now I'm back home.

It's been a stressful day. Just keep getting confused and scattered and scared.
I feel so overwhelmed. Everything feels too much.

Cacoethes 20-10-2020 08:39 PM

Well done for making it through your class Luna

Do you have much professional support at the moment?

[Luna] 20-10-2020 09:30 PM

It’s complicated and I can’t get my thoughts together to explain.
I need this to stop. I need the demons to go.
I want my thoughts back. I can’t do this.
It’s too much.

Darkwings44 20-10-2020 10:19 PM

just take little steps.. one at a time

one_step_closer 21-10-2020 11:44 AM

How might you be able to fight to get your own thoughts back and crush whatever else is going on with the thoughts you're having. Not saying it's easy and I can't think of a way to actually do it but just putting it out there. Maybe if you do things that you enjoy and speak to people who are there for you the demons might leave because you're not engaging with them. You can do this, in whatever way you manage to. You are strong putting up with this. I wish you could get some peace (not through death).

[Luna] 22-10-2020 10:25 AM

I want to try and stay but I'm so scared. I know this is going to get more intense and I'm struggling to function at this level. I'm scared for my friends and family.
I don't want to leave my son but I feel selfish because I'm putting him at major risk.


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