switching mind topics
 

Hello All

Im stuck, lately I have been thinking about a lot of things and worrying about it too much, but at the moment I am trying to get a few things done on my computer and I am finding myself jumping between different topic in my head and not getting anything done like I am naturally brainstorming and quick switching between different things. I have had to remove all of the apps on my laptop, severely limit my access to social media. Just so I can type an email or research for something specific I have even installed Hold App on my iPhone, so I ain't tempted to scroll through social media apps

Like i would be writing an email to a penfriend to keep myself occupied and then be moving to different things automatically. What about the research for books, I need for my course? what about flicking through social political ebooks, psychology degree and thinking about that and feeling so overwhelmed wondering why I am failing so much.

The other day, I was so focused!!

It sounds like you have a lot of ideas competing for brain space. Would it help to have set times for doing each of the things that take up your attention?

That's the thing if say I am working on a project doing studying my head is so scrambled at the moment that i literally cannot focus on one thing at a time. So i'm having to remove my workspace on my laptop, so I am not triggered by these things and literally have a notebook on my laptop that's about 100 pages long of all things have thought about while working and how my only way to get stuff is done is by force, pure isolation and banishing stuff. i severely go hard on myself/threaten my self with sh in order to get stuff done/treat myself like dogshit, army-like. if you don't get this stuff done, you won't be playing playstation, you won't be getting any enjoyment activities/foods, favorite drinks..... why don't you just s+d. you ain't worth anything, you ain't worth the price of stamp, pull yourself toegther, you deserved what happened to you... you failure waste of space, c word)
im rarely polite with myself.

It's so easy to bully yourself, and those self hating words probably won't help you get anything done. Maybe this is slightly the same as what you're doing but it's a more positive way of looking at it, you could set yourself small goals with rewards at the end instead of telling yourself what you won't be allowed to do unless you get things done.

I and don't realise how serious it has got until often it's too late... and I am literally talking to myself...

I can relate to that, I bully myself out loud a lot of the time. How have you been doing recently?

Have you ever done affirmations? Where you say positive things about yourself such as I am worthwhile, I deserve happiness, Etc? And another thing that goes along with affirmations helping you to truly believe it is to find the proofs of each affirmation. Something I have to do regularly because I am constantly browbeating myself and deciding I need punished because I haven't done enough. I know it's because of things that have happened in my past and I still keep up the mentality on my own. And one step closer advice about rewarding yourself if you achieve certain goals is definitely something that could help you feel better about yourself hopefully. My therapist tells me that even when I keep feeling things are certain way and I know that they're not true oh, then I just need to continue telling myself what is true what I know to be true and eventually my brain will allow me to feel that way too. Hope this helps.

I do this every day, every morning I go over in my head. " things will be okay, I will feel positive, there is light under the tunnel and go over things that I am grateful. I will get this project done I will work on my self-esteem and boost productivity. I even wonder at times if I have bipolar disorder (internalized version)

I have even spoken to my psychiatrist about this and she's referred me on to a psychologist but nothing has happened and ended up referring on the jobseeking employment specialist when I am not flipping on that remit at the moment.
MH first problems second. What she needs to get into her skull that the problems (friendship problems are now fixed, I have online contact, I have graham that's enough for an introvert. I even get overly tired when I have three members of the family
I am not focusing on the jobseeking as I am not job seeker... perhaps when I am physically more well enough.... and mentally too.
What affects me more mentally is living with chronic pain all the time..... no break from the bastard.

So I spoke to Geary Drive today in regards to Psychology appointment and they are finally getting things in order for me at last. I feel that was a bigger situation then those insignificant problems of life...
But the good news is that I am now at the stage where I am discovering new ways of living a better life. I have realized that i am perhaps happier without these social engagements and I am I feel more relieved. I still struggle with severe depression at times but i feel that is isn't connected to the friendship situation anymore as I am putting that to one side for while. It isn't connected the jobseeking world as I am not jobseeking as I'm off sick long term... so what's the heck??
I do have small purposes every day, I get up out of bed at a reasonable time, I keep my phone on Do Not Disturb and hold mode so I can work on projects that help me so I can read books. I have routines for food, exercise, I keep a log of habits and keep myself engaged in music, youtube, latest tv shows.
so now I am now I'm wondering if the pain is causing the depression to worsen further?
or is related to my uni situation....with uni I feel overwhelmed, a sense I have got to get this **** done if I don't get it done I will feel rubbish... and I feel it's more justifiable to feel stressed, anxious. Also with it you the feeling...
but at the same time also feel a lot of time like I am not good enough, like people are better than me, that I am useless...
I have connections online and on facetime people, I have known since 2006
I don't want to base my d+a and bpd on the "stress" of jobseeking when I am not well enough to that yet... and neither do i want to be base it on friendship issues cos they all done and finished now... I am freeeeeeeeeee
The reason being is that when you justify issues like jobseeking you are given your brain permission to sit and dwell and this leads a cycle of the self-fulling prophecy. "im depressed because (this) so I sit. watch day time tv, get nothing repeat, " over while it becomes and harder to motivate yourself,
it also becomes easier to become less productive...
because you are sitting and telling your brain this why....eventually it becomes second nature....

I don’t want to be with anyone anymore. I want to to be free.
I want to be with everyone
I want to be alone but not lonely.
I want to be alive but I hate being alive
I want my degree

Oh gosh, why is it so hard to get myself motivated these days, I am literally every trick I can think of to get myself in a good place where I can work on projects independently and I feel good. I am trying to get my self into a place where if I cannot go to the UCC for their reasons, I am not feeling rubbish about distance learning with another provider. I am learning from the mistakes from the Open University. But at least now I have those extra tools to help me and I have actually a slight difference in my approach to work. I actually get up at a decent hour and I make sure I am comfortable...a cozy armchair, phone on hold mode and notifications removed from the mac and no other distractions such as multiple appliances/stereos or the dog barking because he needs a pee.
I am also now at the stage where I am making a habit of writing down what I've gotta do rather than relying on my short term memory that's crap anyway. I am not using my brain as multiple storage devices either.
Some videos on youtube and memories of studying A-level psychology has helped me on my way.

I am also in a bit of weird place at the moment with my housing situation, my parents want to move far away Bury St Edmonds as the extension situation is no area financially it will cripple their finances. But what is stopping them is my brother and his girlfriend, they live two minutes away in the car and by moving away we are going to see them less.

But the issues I have got is that mentally and emotionally I left Bwood, I left it years ago when I felt like was an outsider and that never really had a place in town, that circle of people I knew and distant. Although I still live in the town, it doesn't feel like my home... no matter the groups I have been to, the activities I have done, all the countless social places I have visited... I have too pushed away. There is an only certain amount of bs I can take, But rather than thinking about too much. I have made my own activities. That makes me feel somewhat better. The feeling of going to these places just made me feel like was the "same old rubbish, in the same poxy town with the same people," not exactly engaging and either way I felt pushed out. Then that light at the end of the tunnel made me realise apart of my own personality was part of me the way I am. I wasn't a horrible person, I never caused fights arguments and I seriously doubt that being "anxious" or" "upset" was pushing them away and that actually I didn't. Like I don't sit there and be all depressing... I try and engage with people but sometimes we want that meaningful chat and not the everyday meaningless chitchat. I always realized that a part of my personality is that I am very solitary, I am a lone wolf practically, independence and prefer the feeling of being by myself. I remember a year ago exactly to the day, taking myself off to cinemas by myself and then going shopping when some idiot was trying to persuade me to go the beach with them.. I had had the best day of my life. I didn't need a group of people. I just told them I had the flu and headed into the opposite direction. I never had the urge to go and I never had the energy it was if socialising was draining me to death..
I have since found that I love bujo, (bullet journaling) and youtube, productivity hacks and listening to music, I also love writing, blogging and these all things that I missed doing while I was going to the groups that I didn't have the energy to do or desire. But since leaving them in March 2019 officially these hobbies and interests have picked up and have remained.

I didn't have the depressive feelings of "I wish had gone to such and such, I have no friends," I didn't have cycle of going to somewhere, feeling like an outsider, being turned away, forgotten and repeated the following week and the sense of over eating, believing that I was to blame, blaming myself. Perhaps if I had worn a nice top, did my make up, perhaps I said something wrong. I never felt I can be me