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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 29-08-2017 08:48 PM

Thank you both.

one_step_closer 29-08-2017 09:55 PM

I need someone here with me :sad: I miss my psychologist. I need more than a quick chat with my CPN once a week if she has time. I can't think of anything else that I could try. It helps sometimes to be in hospital but I can't be on an acute ward if I'm not acutely unwell. I want to destroy myself. I want to go to the bridge and just jump off. Maybe I should go to the bridge to talk to the men (who go in and out of my head) they might be able to offer me some guidance. Life is not for me. I have destroyed my brother's life and I am increasingly worried about him. I deserve to be punished and maybe this suffering is my punishment.

one_step_closer 30-08-2017 08:16 PM

I nearly didn't bother getting out of bed for the first aid course. Turns out it wasn't even on today anyway, I didn't get a confirmation of the location and when I phoned them they said someone would phone me within 24 hours. I went to one of the locations where it was last time but they said it wasn't there. I chose a 4pm course because I can't get up on time for 9.30am but they keep cancelling the 4pm courses.

There's nothing I have to offer in life, nothing I can do to make things better for my brother. It's partly my fault that he's depressed and anxious and I can't change the past. I can't change bad decisions I made as a child and teenager that affected him negatively. I have to end my existence. Go to the bridge and speak to the men and see if they will guide me or just jump off the bridge. Nothing is ever going to get better because it has just been getting worse all these years. I am a curse, evil. I don't want to see one more second of this life.

sherlock holmes 31-08-2017 05:53 PM

I really hope you didnt go to the bridge. Would it help to be under the crisis team for a while? Is there any option of you going to a longer term unit to receive actual therapy (eg DBT) for 6 months or so. Acute wards are only really useful to keep you safe in the short term. Maybe going to a unit for inpatient therapy could really help?

Sketchy 31-08-2017 06:41 PM

Are you safe? How are you now? I hope you are ok and I'm sorry things are so difficult.

one_step_closer 31-08-2017 08:53 PM

Thank you both. I'm doing my best to stay away from the bridge but I have a lot of anxieties about going there anyway, I don't want to drive there because it's hard to get to the bit next to the bridge if there is traffic behind and I don't want to get the bus there because it's near enough in the middle of nowhere and I worry that people will wonder what I'm doing although there are some houses nearby hence the bus stop. There are trees behind the bridge where I can talk to the men and prepare myself to jump off so that when I get to the side of the bridge on the road I can jump quickly so no one sees me hanging around.

There are 2 crisis teams in my area, one with the CMHT (called extended hours) which is only available until 6.30 on weekdays and 4.30 on weekends and one voluntary one which is available until 10pm every night. The CMHT one usually does an initial assessment then gets the voluntary one to do the support. What is offered is almost always phone calls and I really hate talking on the phone. They have visited me to talk face to face before but I get so anxious and dread them coming so I'd rather not have that. I used to know everyone on the voluntary team but a lot of people have left and new people have started. It might be a good thing to talk to someone new and get a fresh perspective but I just don't feel able to do it right now. My CPN said to phone her if I need to and if she's not there I can ask to speak to someone on extended hours. I always end up needing someone when only the voluntary crisis team are working or after everyone has finished. I'm going to the gym with a support assistant tomorrow but won't really be able to tell her how I'm feeling because we'll be focusing on the gym as a distraction.

I don't think I'm unwell enough to be considered for funding for a specialist unit. I know there's usually an in between well and unwell where people are suited for inpatient therapy but I don't think I meet the criteria and I don't feel comfortable asking. If it was an option someone on my team surely would have suggested it.

Sketchy 31-08-2017 09:29 PM

I'm glad you are doing your best to stay away from the bridge. Could you try phoning your cpn next time she's available? Tell her what you have told us?

I understand what you mean about phone calls. I struggle with them too, but maybe phoning crisis or out of hours is worth a try. As you say you may get a fresh perspective.

one_step_closer 31-08-2017 09:40 PM

Thanks. I just don't know if I'd know what to say to anyone. It takes time to explain things and it's easier to write things down, that way I get to say most things I want to say. I don't feel comfortable using written prompts to help with a phone call though. I'm seeing my CPN on Tuesday, I'm lucky that she has managed to see me once a week for the past couple of weeks and I don't like to phone her because she's already giving me a lot of support. I told her that I feel like I'm taking up too much of her time and she said she doesn't feel that way and if she thought I was taking up too much time she wouldn't see me. A phone call on top of an appointment in one week would be taking up too much time I think. And again I don't know if I'd be able to explain things in a phone call. I sometimes can't even explain things face to face, writing is my best medium.

Sketchy 01-09-2017 12:54 PM

Why not write it all out for your own benefit and then it's there to give to her on Tuesday. Do you think you can wait until Tuesday? It's ok to phone her if you can't. You aren't taking up too much time.

one_step_closer 01-09-2017 07:40 PM

If I can't hold on until Tuesday I actually don't know what I can do, even though it may seem obvious, because I feel very anxious about making phone calls and trying to explain myself. The office for the voluntary crisis team is a 10 minute walk away from my house but I can't just drop in and I don't want to phone and ask if I can come down. I don't deserve support anyway, especially since my brother is suffering in silence because he says he's not a talker. I would take on every bit of his suffering if I could.

I want to do something to push myself over the edge. I don't want to keep reaching out to people to save myself. I have to take this step. I'm desperate.

Sketchy 01-09-2017 07:45 PM

You do deserve support. It's ok to reach out and we all deal with things differently.

I don't have any useful advice, but I do hope things get better for you. Take care and try be kind to yourself, because you deserve kindness.

tiptoes 03-09-2017 02:49 PM

How are you doing?

You do deserve support regardless of whether your brother is reaching out.

one_step_closer 03-09-2017 07:04 PM

Thank you both for bothering about me.

I've been reading more of my medical notes and when I was assessed in A&E in January part of what was written said 'seems cold, little rapport...some manipulative behaviour evident.' I wouldn't say I'm a cold person, I think I was just really low at that point. And there's the word manipulative again, manipulation may as well be part of the formal criteria for BPD because as soon as people know I have BPD they assume I'm being manipulative. It's very upsetting to be perceived negatively, especially when it's a wrong perception. I know the person who assessed me had never met me before but everyone ends up hating me. Things started well with my previous CPN and then she started to really dislike me and I'm so worried that this will happen with my current CPN. I am such a terrible person. I hate myself. Professionals need extra support to treat people with BPD. I must be a monster.

Maybe I should stop reading my medical notes but it matters a great deal to me how I'm being perceived, by anyone and everyone whether or not they are close to me. I only request my hospital records so I don't know what my current CPN is writing about me. She doesn't seem to be very judgemental but I have no way of knowing. The whole world is against me. I don't deserve to be alive. I am a waste of oxygen. I want to kill myself. I can't even self harm properly any more. I absolutely detest myself.

one_step_closer 04-09-2017 08:36 PM

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow, it's likely nothing will come from it. I don't even know what I want, what it's possible to do. I'm just plodding along and I'd rather be completely self destructive. I would be if I could physically manage it because it would give me some focus and show that I am being punished. My CPN will probably not have managed to speak to my psychiatrist. Nothing is getting better and everything hurts. I really don't want to be existing like this.

Sketchy 05-09-2017 11:28 AM

I don't have much words, but I have read your posts. I hope your cpn helps, even though it feels like she can't.
I also don't believe your are manipulative. You are in distress and need help. You are a good person, and you are always kind enough and helpful to reply to people here who need it.

sherlock holmes 06-09-2017 08:42 PM

How did it go?

one_step_closer 07-09-2017 11:44 AM

It went ok. I managed to talk about how I feel judged and my CPN tried to reassure me that she's not judging me, but I don't know what she's writing in my notes. My psychiatrist came in part of the way through saying that he heard I had an appointment and he wanted to catch up with me which seems thoughtful but I'm still a bit unsure about him because he has said upsetting things to me. He asked if things are so dire that I need a few days in hospital to which I said they're not. I'm worried that in the future it will be difficult to get an admission because my psychiatrist and one of the people from the extended hours team seem to be the only people who are willing to arrange admission without me having to fight hard for it.

Thanks everyone for your continued support.

Buttons. 07-09-2017 10:19 PM

You can ask to see the jist of the notes about yourself if you want to you know. Also it is not manipulative to want people to understand just how difficult things are for you right now. And frankly, if I thought you were manipulative, I wouldn't be bothering to reply to your thread :P

one_step_closer 08-09-2017 07:04 PM

Thanks Katy, it means a lot to me that at least some people don't perceive me as being manipulative.

I've spent an awful lot of money requesting copies of my medical records over the years (in excess of 70 I think), I'd love to be able to let go of my concerns about what people think of me but, nope, I HAVE to know exactly what people are writing about me. It takes up a great deal of my time worrying about how I'm viewed.

Sketchy 11-09-2017 11:56 PM

I often worry how I'm viewed, so I can understand that.

How are things going?


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