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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 23-08-2017 10:17 PM

I get to talk to my CPN when I see her but it's often only for 15 minutes and I don't know what to say. I find psychology helps me to navigate through what I want to talk about but I'm not allowed to be re-referred for 3 months if at all.

Sketchy 23-08-2017 10:21 PM

That's a shame. Maybe in 3 months you could ask, although I don't know what would help just now.

one_step_closer 25-08-2017 08:54 PM

I'm feeling so utterly crap. I want to self harm badly but I don't seem to be able to do it 'well enough' any more. I need controlled physical pain and I need a lot of damage. It's raining right now and I can hear it on the window, it's the kind of rain that triggers me to go and jump off a bridge. The bridge I know of where people have killed themselves is hard to get to at night though. It would involve driving there and the parking place next to the bridge is hard to see in the dark. I don't want to save myself any more. I'm tired of holding on. I need to do something big but what? I don't feel able to phone the voluntary crisis team. I need to act, I need to destroy myself.

one_step_closer 26-08-2017 09:07 PM

I can't do this any more, I don't want to. Everything hurts so much and I am painfully aware of it. I am on my own because I don't have enough words to explain things in a telephone conversation. I'm sick of waking up to short days filled with nothing but battling to get through.

one_step_closer 26-08-2017 09:27 PM

Oh God I do not know what to do. This will be the longest time I've spent out of hospital in the past year, I was in for a few days at the end of last month but usually I would have been in for at least a month. Don't know if I'm allowed planned admissions every couple of months as I'm still waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist but I can't keep running to hospital every time things get too much. I can't cope outside of hospital. There are too many exceptions from me and from other people and everything hurts. I'm never going to get out of this pain alive.

Sketchy 26-08-2017 09:49 PM

I'm sorry things are this bad. Are you safe? Is there anything that you think would help you just now?

one_step_closer 26-08-2017 09:54 PM

I'm most likely safe, only because my body can't take enough tablets or cope with physical pain enough to cut deep enough. I need the ability to self destruct. I can't go out in case I try to kill myself and get it wrong and then that will mess up everything further. No one cares because I'm probably safe. No one will offer me immediate help. I'll be in bed soon anyway, just lying there awake into the morning and then I won't get up till the afternoon. Same old crap.

Sketchy 26-08-2017 10:04 PM

I hope you get some sleep. Could you phone your cpn soon? Might be a good idea. Just to keep her updated. I know it feels like it doesn't help, but it's best to keep reaching out. Perhaps there is something that will help that you haven't tried. Or what about crisis?

one_step_closer 26-08-2017 10:43 PM

Thanks. I'm seeing my CPN on Monday anyway, I just feel so hopeless because I don't think that anyone or anything can help me. I can't even think of anything that I could try. I can barely focus on anything to stay distracted either, all the TV shows and Netflix shows I watch are piling up because I can't be bothered watching anything. I'm pathetic, I'm out of bed for about 9/10 hours a day and I can't stand myself. I might phone crisis tomorrow if I can find the courage and the words.

Sketchy 26-08-2017 10:49 PM

You are not pathetic. I promise. Why don't you write down what you'd like to say before phoning crisis. It might make it easier.

one_step_closer 27-08-2017 02:20 PM

Thanks. I 100% want to kill myself right now but don't have the mental energy to think of something foolproof. I don't see the point in phoning crisis because no one will take me seriously because I have no concrete plan to kill myself. Things are just not getting better and I have already struggled with my mental health for most of my life so I can't see anything ever improving. I only got out of bed just after 1pm, I fail at being a human. I just need to focus and find a way to die.

Sketchy 27-08-2017 05:09 PM

Please stay safe. Try phoning crisis. You might get to speak to someone who will help give you support. I know they sometimes seem useless at times, but there are good ones. I've had helpful crisis members and hopefully you will too.
Could you phone your brother? Spend some time with him to keep you safe?

one_step_closer 27-08-2017 06:57 PM

The CMHT crisis team are finished for the day, the voluntary crisis team are on till 10pm but I don't know if I can find the words to talk to anyone. I'm maybe going to write something for my CPN but I'm almost certain that there will be nothing she can do to help. Me and my brother don't really do talking on the phone. He's not doing too well himself right now so even more than usual I am reluctant to burden him. Things are just hopeless, I can't think of anything that I can add to my life that will change things and I don't want to keep feeling this way over and over again every day. I need a sure method of death, that's all.

Sketchy 27-08-2017 07:01 PM

Writing something down for your cpn is a good idea. Tell her what you have told us.

Please keep fighting these thoughts, because we need you here.

I wish I had words that would help. I am sorry you are in pain, but I hope it gets better.

one_step_closer 27-08-2017 07:02 PM

Thank you. I've put a reminder in my phone for 9pm to write something for my CPN. There seems to be no quick fix or even a slow fix as I have been in this battle for the majority of my life.

Sketchy 27-08-2017 07:08 PM

Is there something you can do to get you through the night, like watching your favourite programs? I know that seems unhelpful, but even the littlest change can be beneficial.
You write very well, so I hope your cpn takes on board everything you write. Maybe you could have a think as to what you think may help, or even what doesn't help and write that too.

one_step_closer 27-08-2017 07:25 PM

To be honest nothing is catching my attention right now, I just watch things because they're piling up and the catch up TV ones will be deleted eventually. I'll most likely be ok tonight anyway. Don't expect anything to come from my appointment with my CPN but I'll write something because I find it easier to explain how I am in written words than just speaking at the time.

one_step_closer 28-08-2017 08:22 PM

My CPN said she will show my psychiatrist what I have written and see what he suggests, but she said it's hard to get a hold of him and I honestly don't think he will offer anything more. I still don't know what he thinks about the possibility of me having regular psych ward admissions either and I'm not likely to have an appointment with him soon.

I'm going to a first aid course on Wednesday, it lasts for 6 hours, and I'm dreading it. 6 hours of having to focus, having to socialise, probably not being able to do anything that I'm asked to do. I'm also meeting up with someone who I met in hospital on Friday and I don't want to do that either. I can't win with myself.

UnanimousAnonymous 29-08-2017 10:47 AM

I really hope the psychiatrist offers you more support. I can relate to everything you have said, you write it so well so I hope he listens.
Good luck at the first aid course, it will be exhausting and hard work but you will have achieved something!

Zurg 29-08-2017 07:55 PM

about the first aid course, the important thing is not that everything goes perfectly. The important thing is to actually go and attempt to try and break this terrible spell of negative thoughts that have spiralled out of control. So what if you can't concentrate for the entire time??? So what if you can't socialise all the time either??? And screw it, if you feel you can't do all that you're told to do!!!! Just try to go anyway. To win this battle, or to at leats get some respite, requires fighting back. Breaking a routine is a good thing. Going a bit beyond your comfort zone is a good thing. Attempting to go against your every instinct that is screaming "I can't do this!!!", is a good thing.

I know it's hard. Things like this are never easy. But please try to go because it will be a good thing you did just for yourself. And you need every small victory.

Don't worry about everything going perfectly okay when you go. Just don't let your fears and your negative thoughts stop you from doing this. Because it is so easy to give in every time, and then the world just becomes increasingly smaller.

I believe in you!!!! :DANCE:

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