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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 11-08-2019 06:13 PM

Don't know really. Things are a bit confusing. The other world seems to be breaking into this world in a small way, it's kind of hard to explain. I can feel pressure to do things for the men etc but I'm trying hard not to get too sucked in because I need to make it to my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not going to be able to explain anything to him though and appointments are usually short so there won't be much time to try. I have written some small points. I really hope my CPN is back tomorrow or at least some point next week.

Soft Kitty 11-08-2019 06:18 PM

That's really good that you've managed to write down some points for your appointment, though it sounds worrying that the realities are changing. Does that seem to get worse when you're struggling a lot? I hope your CPN is back next week too, it sounds like she knows you really well.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 12-08-2019 01:35 PM

Really hope it goes well today.

one_step_closer 12-08-2019 01:42 PM

Thank you both.

It was really hard to explain things to the psychiatrist because this was only the second time I've seen him and he seemed to have forgotten a lot (like that he was pushing for me to get a bed in hospital) which is ok because I know he has lots of patients. I just told him a bit about the men and the other world and he asked the basic questions about sleep and appetite etc. He has prescribed me a low dose of Aripiprazole. I have been on it maybe three times before but can't remember how useful it was. Luckily my CPN is back and she has just phoned to make an appointment to see her tomorrow.

Things just feel really weird. No other words for it really.

Soft Kitty 12-08-2019 01:55 PM

That sounds really positive about the aripiprazole, and also that your CPN is back so you have someone you feel able to talk to as far as possible, and might have an idea about the way forward. How do you feel about being prescribed some new meds? I remember a while back you mentioned you thought that might be something that would help.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 12-08-2019 02:18 PM

Definitely sounds positive. I'm so glad your CPN is back and you're seeing her tomorrow. I'm sorry you're feeling weird though, I know it's not a nice feeling - do you want to talk about it?

Stellata 12-08-2019 07:22 PM

I take Aripirazole! It is a very good med.

one_step_closer 15-08-2019 02:14 PM

Thank you all.

It was good to see my CPN. She asked if I wanted to be transferred to another CPN because she has been unreliable. I stopped myself from saying "hell no!" and said it in a more polite way. We have decided to forget about an admission to hospital at the moment. I think it was already forgotten about by everyone else anyway. I didn't really know what to say to my CPN about what has been going on and when I spoke about my neighbours and things being more scary with the other world she didn't really ask much about them.

I said that the psych prescribed me Aripiprazole and she said I don't have to take it if I don't want to but she thinks it might help. I took my first dose today, I'm willing to try it. It's hard to understand why I've been prescribed it though. My psychiatrist did say it was because it might help with the other world stuff which should be enough of an explanation but it isn't really. I know antipsychotics are used for things other than psychosis but..? The psychiatrist who knew me for the longest kept repeatedly telling me I would not convince him I was psychotic, as if I was trying to do that. My CPN said that the things I experience are similar enough to things that other people experience who have been helped by antipsychotics, and that the diagnostic criteria for EUPD mention some of the supposed symptoms I have. I remembered a psychiatrist in hospital trying to explain things to me by saying I don't have a psychotic illness but I'm experiencing psychosis. I don't know. It's all too weird and wrong. And I don't think I want things to get 'better' in the way that other people define better.

Everything is scary and upsetting. I tried to go to the gym group today but when I got outside I was scared and upset. Something is very wrong in my head and in the world. I don't even have the words to properly explain it. So I didn't go to the gym group which leaves me further on my own and people will tell me I should just have pushed myself but I'm so heavy in my head and full and afraid and I can't be around people for long.

I'm very worried that my benefits might be due to be reviewed as I think they were reviewed this time last year. I try to stay in the moment but my head easily worries about the future. People aren't going to let me live for long, soon they'll want me to be doing things that are too much for me.

Soft Kitty 15-08-2019 02:36 PM

I think attitudes towards EUPD and psychotic symptoms have changed in recent years. It used to be viewed in an oddly black and white way by some professionals, but it seems to be more well understood now (at least according to the NHS website) that people with EUPD can experience psychosis and that it can be serious. I feel like conditions are much more nuanced and personal than textbooks really allow for, even if they may be useful tools. Anyone can experience psychotic symptoms/episodes, whether from lack of sleep, too much stress, or drug-use without having a diagnosable psychotic disorder, as far as I'm aware. Others with more knowledge may be able to explain better or have more correct info.

More importantly, though, is what it all means for you, which may change (at least in my experience). You mentioned not wanting things to be better in the ways other people define it - do you know what 'better' would look like for you?

I really hope the aripiprazole helps, as a medication I take I (generally) experience it as being very helpful. I'm also very glad your CPN is back and that it was good to see her - and that you were able to say you wanted her to stay as your CPN.

Would now be a good time to look over your crisis plan with her and see if anything needs changing or needs more clarity?

one_step_closer 15-08-2019 06:08 PM

Thanks.

I actually don't know what better means to me, I think I just know what it doesn't mean. Other than better would mean my brother was doing really well. For me it doesn't mean work, which I know is really controversial and seen as wrong probably. It doesn't mean being symptom free. It doesn't mean being in a relationship. I don't really know...I don't think better really exists, MY better whatever it is. I only think that society's better exists and that for me is actually worse.

I don't really even have a crisis plan. I know that the planned crisis admissions is a thing and I have an advance statement but nothing that says if X happens do Y. I do have something I wrote a long time ago about how I can help myself and how other people can help me if I end up in certain harmful situations but it's not actually that useful. Crisis plans would probably involve a step where I need to reach out to someone and that would likely have to be through a phone call which I really struggle with so that would be the plan aborted at the first step.

Soft Kitty 15-08-2019 06:17 PM

I really get you about feeling better, actually. I was thinking about what it would mean for me and I don't know either. It's also especially difficult to answer when you've just been through a particularly crap time. I don't think it's wrong that your feelings about being better aren't about 'conventional' things, that makes a lot of sense.

It seems like you've had some really good thoughts on what might help in future. I wonder if it's something your CPN could have a think through - speaking on the phone, especially in crisis, is such a common problem that there must be something that can be done to help (one would think!)

one_step_closer 16-08-2019 02:26 PM

Thanks.

I will try and speak to my CPN about crisis stuff. Another CPN said to me that the crisis admissions part of my safety plan probably needs rethinking since there were no beds available for me when I needed them. It was my last psychiatrist who made this plan.

I'm sure that someone said, when I was feeling bad about being on the phone to crisis because someone else might need them and they only have one phone, that if someone was desperate they could text them so that might be an option. But I'd rather speak to my CPN and no one would want to have a continuous text conversation with me, they would want to phone. I know practical things like not putting my finger on the hang up button and just explaining that I'm anxious but I rarely manage to do those things. When I do manage I often don't know what to say any more or people will get into a conversation that isn't helpful and I'm tired and want to end the call but don't feel able to ask to end the call.

There's no point in reaching out anyway. A push towards death would be a better option. The gym group worker phoned me and left a message saying she was wanting to catch up with me, since I didn't go to the group this week. I think she's possibly my key worker now but I don't feel very comfortable with that.

I don't even know what's going on in the world. I can still see the other world seeping through into this one and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't understand life. I can't do this. I don't want this.

I just want to tell someone my fears face to face. Hospital is the only place where someone can be approached in person relatively easily.

one_step_closer 16-08-2019 02:47 PM

Just panic phoned my CPN. Had no idea what I was going to say or what I needed from the call. It felt very unreal. She was there and able to talk but I mostly just stumbled over words and said there's nothing I need and I'm fine. She said the fact that I phoned speaks volumes. She wants to get the informal crisis team to contact me over the weekend but I said I can't do any more phone calls. Did I actually even phone my CPN? Yes. I'm very anxious. I don't understand life. I don't know what's going on. My CPN's voice was reassuring but she will have heard my ugly voice and I hate, hate, hate my voice! I am one huge disgusting thing.

tamobhuuta 16-08-2019 03:41 PM

Well done for phoning your CPN. Maybe accept help from informal crisis and if when it comes to it you don't feel able to talk to them that's ok.

nonperson 16-08-2019 05:47 PM

You did a really good and brave thing phoning your CPN. Yes she heard your voice and I'm sure she was fine with that. What's more important is that she heard what you were saying.

one_step_closer 16-08-2019 06:41 PM

Thanks.

I really didn't actually even say anything. I just made panic repetitions of 'I didn't mean to phone' 'I'm alright' 'sorry for wasting your time' etc.

I am so, so, terrified of everything to do with life at the moment. This world, the other world, inside my head. I am trapped.

My CPN said she would phone the informal crisis team anyway to let them know I'm struggling and that I might phone them but I probably won't phone. It's so hard to get support when everything is phone based.

one_step_closer 17-08-2019 06:20 PM

I don't know how to make things less scary. I am honestly terrified about the world and the other world and my mind. And the future threats. I need to escape through suicide, why can't I get on with it?

Please don't let me be trapped here.

Soft Kitty 18-08-2019 02:46 PM

I can relate a lot to that and wish I knew what to say to help. I really hear how scared you are, though, and how desperate.

How have you been finding the aripiprazole? Have you been managing to take it? I agree with others that it was so brave to phone your CPN and even if you weren't able to say much, I think she picked up on just how distraught you must have felt to make that call.

Do your local area have a crisis team who visits you at your home or is it all on the phone? I'm just wondering if there are any other ways, like voluntary crisis services that you can actually visit and spend time, or to be able to text or email.

one_step_closer 18-08-2019 04:37 PM

Thank you.

It is hugely scary and I can't think of any way out. I don't know if I can/want to continue to endure things but I also don't want them to change significantly. As long as no one else gets hurt I'll carry the world.

I have been managing to take the Aripiprazole, not noticed anything good or bad yet I don't think. I'm only on 5mg. My CPN said the psychs in this area usually only prescribe 5mg or 10mg, although I was on 30mg at one point before.

The informal crisis team kept phoning me on Friday and yesterday but I dodged their calls. I did make sure I phoned back though to let them know I was ok and just couldn't do phone stuff. The person still spoke to me for 7 minutes even though I said I didn't want to talk so that puts me off phoning at all, I struggle to tell people that I want to end the call. She said they could arrange to come and see me but I said no thanks, partly because the worker on yesterday was someone who isn't helpful for me and partly because I just don't want the pressure of being with people. She then said if I want a visit at any point I can phone them or I can pop into the office if I'm passing. She said to try and phone today to get back into the routine of phoning them but I'm not planning to. And right now someone from the team is phoning me!!! People don't seem to understand how hard phone calls are.

I've tried an online chat thing with Breathing Space before but that's more stressful than a phone call. Waiting for the person to respond to what I have just typed and them not being able to hear my emotions. I hate starting any kind of communication because it's hard to get out of it. If someone is concerned they might escalate things and I get so tired by all the contact. I'm just ungrateful.

tiptoes 20-08-2019 09:18 AM

It sounds like you are being a pro at reaching out! I know it isn't easy, you should be proud of yourself!

How are you doing?


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