RYL Forums

RYL Forums (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/index.php)
-   Serious Discussion and Advice (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=30)
-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Buttons. 28-10-2017 09:29 PM

*hugs gently*

one_step_closer 29-10-2017 07:08 PM

Thank you both. I have been getting by today. Just automatic motions but got out to the shops. Trying not to think too much about if I exist or not, sometimes it backfires when people tell me I do exist in face to face contact because it's overwhelming to be aware of existing and I dissociate further. I'm like a reverse Pinocchio - I don't want to be real.

Crisis phoned to night but it was someone I don't find helpful and I was already anxious about the call so I didn't say much. She thinks I'm fine because I've been making plans. No one seems to understand that I can continue to function while still being very suicidal. It feels a bit like some of my wires have been cut that allow me to act on suicidal feelings until they become huge impulses and then I will act. I don't want to keep going on and on living like this. There is absolutely nothing that I want to live for, for myself. All I can see is utter hopelessness.

Sketchy 29-10-2017 07:19 PM

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I hope you can stay safe and eventually speak to someone on crisis who you can talk to.

Well done for getting out today to the shops. That’s an excellent achievement. Could you maybe plan something like that for tomorrow? A short walk, the shop or going for a coffee? I know it can be really hard.

Buttons. 29-10-2017 07:26 PM

Can you not think of anything you would wish for that's for yourself, even if it Seems out of your grasp right now? -like your own library perhaps? Because something like that might seem unobtainable but with gradual steps and a lot of hardwork and patience might be obtainable.

one_step_closer 29-10-2017 08:24 PM

Thanks. I have to go to the post office tomorrow and I also collect my prescription every day except Sundays so that gets me out and I sometimes stay out and go somewhere.

I honestly can't think of anything I'd like for myself, I can't imagine what might feel good. Even with books I just start them and want to finish them quickly. The only thing I want in life is for my brother's life to improve.

So triggered to go out right now but my cats are sitting on me which is a protective factor for now. I hope I don't sound like I'm being dramatic and that I'm not really suicidal because if I was a simple thing like my cats restricting my movements wouldn't stop me. I can't keep emotionally aching all the way through life. And I keep thinking about how I'm going to cope if I'm forced into work before I'm stable enough. There is nothing stopping people from telling me I have to get a job since before I was occupied with uni so there was no pressure to get a job, then I had jobs, then I was in and out of hospital, then I went back to uni, then I was in and out of hospital, but now I'm doing nothing so soon people will say I have to work.

Sketchy 29-10-2017 08:41 PM

Have you spoke to your cpn about your worries about work? Maybe she can reassure you.

I’m sorry you are having these thoughts, but I’m glad your cats are keeping you safe.

discodevilx 29-10-2017 10:58 PM

Your cats seem like a great support. I feel that with my dogs. They have unconditional love and little expectation of us. I always think that we as humans have so much to learn from animals. Do you ever see yourself working with animals or even fostering them? I reckon you would be pretty awesome at it. Do you have plans to go shopping tomorrow or see friends. Sometimes I can’t read so I use amazon audible where the book is read to me (how lazy is that but sometimes I can’t function). Or, I watch a series or box set like something wanky like friends. You don’t have to think but it seems nice xx

one_step_closer 30-10-2017 04:45 PM

Thank you both. I have briefly mentioned my worries about being forced into work to my CPN before and she just said something like I'm taking steps forward at my own pace and I need to maintain a level of well being. I'm worried about saying anything again because I'm scared she'll say that they think I need to get a job right now. I'm probably just being self centred and lazy.

I don't think I have the patience to work with animals. As much as I love my cats I feel like their demands can be too much sometimes. I always make sure they are fed, clean litter trays, given attention, but I don't get many good feelings from doing it.

I try to watch some catch up TV online but it's piling up again because I can't find the motivation to start watching anything. I'm not enjoying anything and it just seems like a task to get through.

I have to phone crisis tonight and I'm going to ask if I can end my plan of phoning them now instead of in two days time. I am thinking that maybe having a plan in place which means I need to phone them or they phone me is useful in that I may get to talk to someone helpful whereas I wouldn't be likely to phone when I needed to if it wasn't in my plan, but the anxiety of knowing I have to speak on the phone can get a bit much.

I don't want to keep saving myself. I am desperate to end things. I can't even find it in me to self harm right now because it takes too much effort and I'm not in a place where it will give me any relief. I am doing better than I have been, feeling a bit more with it, but the emotional pain is strong. I'm tired of this journey.

Sketchy 30-10-2017 05:10 PM

*hugs* Sorry I don’t have any helpful words.

discodevilx 30-10-2017 06:58 PM

It seems really impossible at the moment but I’m glad you are phoning crisis team. You need to keep yourself safe. I would never have described you as lazy and I know you say that about work. I would always say would you describe someone with two broken legs and a broken arm as lazy for not working? They’re also poorly and need time to get well. Same difference in my view.

Do you see people rather than just by phone? Does anyone come and see you? When do they come ?

one_step_closer 30-10-2017 08:05 PM

Thank you both for your continued support. Many people in my current treatment team and past treatment team think that I should be working because I have been to uni and I'm supposedly intelligent. My supposed intelligence is used against me in a lot of respects, such as people saying I know how to manipulate people to admit me to hospital because I studied psychology and that I shouldn't do anything risky because I should know better ways of coping because of my intelligence. I feel like my pain isn't realised a lot of the time. When I first met my current psychiatrist he said I have a much better life than most of his patients because I'm intelligent. I do understand where he's coming from but with intelligence also comes tortured thinking in my case. He minimised my pain by saying at least I don't have drug or alcohol problems. When I was in hospital he said if I kept hurting myself they could put me on constant observations but they'd rather just discharge me. He said I'm causing my brother problems because of the way I am, as if I'm doing it deliberately. Sorry that turned into a rant.

I'm seeing my current CPN and my soon to be CPN on Wednesday. I've to phone crisis for 2 more nights.

Sketchy 30-10-2017 08:14 PM

That doesn’t sound like a very helpful thing for a psych to say. I’m so sorry and angry for you. Being intelligent doesn’t take away the pain mental health problems cause. This isn’t your fault.

Elmer 30-10-2017 08:24 PM

Sending hugs and stuff. I haven't got much of use to say, sorry you are being treated this way. Intelligence definitely shouldn't be used as a reason to not feel bad.
Thank you for all you are doing here as well.

discodevilx 31-10-2017 01:43 PM

Well I would like to say your psychiatrist’s intelligence didn’t serve them well and turned them into an arsehole. So are they saying intelligent people, like vaginia Woolfe or Edgar Alan Poe, both committed suicide didn’t need intervention? I’d kindly point that out to them. You deserve help as much as the next person. Have you been out today xx

one_step_closer 31-10-2017 07:00 PM

Thanks for your replies. I went back to bed this morning and stayed there till nearly 1.30pm so I'm annoyed with myself. I'm feeling less dissociated but very hopeless about the present and the future. I phoned crisis as planned and spoke to someone who knows me and she was saying things sound positive because I'm supposed to be starting going back to a gym group with the mental health association on Thursday. People always say I should look back at these difficult times and see that I get through them so that when they come back I can remind myself that they will pass. That's ok but a lot of me focuses on the fact that the hard times keep coming back. If I was someone who had a job I would be expected to go back to work now that I am coming out of the other side of this crisis point but I think that would trigger another crisis, I don't know how I'm ever going to cope with work. I can't stay in the here and now because I'm an adult and adults have to work at some point. I'm pathetic. I need to wait until my brother is more settled and then kill myself.

Sketchy 31-10-2017 08:08 PM

Itís ok to not work if you are unable to. You didnít ask for this. Maybe some day you will and only if you are ready, but just focus on the now.

Donít worry about staying in bed. Sometimes you need a day like that. Maybe you can set yourself attainable goals for getting up.

How do you feel about starting the gym? Is it something you will enjoy?

one_step_closer 01-11-2017 05:59 PM

Thanks. I used to go to the gym group regularly but then stopped because I was often not able to get up on time to make it there. It's a bit overwhelming because of having to socialise and put on a face for 2 hours but I'll have to give it a try.

I saw my current and going to be new CPN today and I didn't want to leave the appointment afterwards, I feel so on my own with things. My current CPN was asking me when I'm going to get back in touch with people about volunteering and what further plans I can be making. I feel too vulnerable right now but I probably always will. My emotions are all over the place (negatively) and other people probably cope with normal life and their emotions so I must be lying that I can't work or whatever. The crisis team are coming to my house tonight to review and end my plan which I'm fine with because it saves me the anxiety of having to speak on the phone.

Sketchy 01-11-2017 07:07 PM

You aren’t lying that you can’t work. You have a mental illness to deal with, which makes things harder, so don’t be so hard on yourself.
I think it’s ok to take your time and go at your own pace. Maybe eventually you can go back to volunteering, but when you are ready. I understand how you feel, because I am also unable to work.

one_step_closer 02-11-2017 07:10 PM

Thanks. Many people aren't taken seriously when they say their mental health prevents them from working and because of my 'intelligence' I think that I'm going to be pushed harder to start working.

I went to the gym group today and it was really overwhelming. There was me, two support workers, and two other service users, and it felt like far too much contact. There's usually only one support worker but more service users so I'll have to be socialising a whole lot more in the future. It feels like too much to be around a number of people for a long period of time, it's hard enough when I go out with one of my friends. This also makes me worry about how I'd cope with work.

I'm feeling safer but still low and I'd rather not be safe. The person from crisis who came to review my plan last night said I really need to identify the period in between being triggered and acting impulsively (which can often be very brief or unnoticeable) and try and phone crisis or someone else at that in between point. If I felt ok about using the phone I may be able to do that and also when I get to a really intense point I don't 100% want someone to talk me into staying safe. I can't continue this way and I can't continue if life changes path either. There is no hope for a future I can cope with.

Sketchy 02-11-2017 07:20 PM

Well done on going to the gym, even though it was hard.

I’m glad you are feeling safer. Is there a way you can come up with a plan to help you for before things get really bad?

I’m sorry you feel there is no hope. I hope you can find hope and see light in the future. Maybe there are other methods of helping you that hasn’t been tried. Perhaps that’s something to discuss with your cpn.

one_step_closer 03-11-2017 07:52 PM

Thank you. I continue to be at a suicidal point which increases and decreases in intensity frequently. I'm trying to remind myself that it isn't a stable intense need for death but I always want to die no matter how slight or massive the suicidal feelings are. I am contributing nothing to anyone while I am alive. I feel very useless and especially powerless to help my brother. I can see partially that my death may make things worse for my brother and that is the only reason I am trying to hold on. I'm not at an impulsive stage right now but I know that can change and this should maybe be the time to phone crisis but my anxiety of talking on the phone keeps getting in the way. And I really do not care if things get to an impulsive point and I manage to kill myself. This has to be my future. Selfishly if I'm dead I won't be able to see my brother's pain anyway.

Sketchy 03-11-2017 08:57 PM

You contribute a lot. You have been so kind to me and given me great advice. You have been kind to others too. We need you here.

Keep fighting. You are worthwhile and deserve a good life.

discodevilx 04-11-2017 02:13 AM

You have been kind to me and helped
Me x I really needed that and was so appreciative of it
Xx

one_step_closer 04-11-2017 03:44 PM

Thank you both. I want to be able to be there for people, it's easier online than it is face to face.

I keep thinking about how I don't have a terrible life right now. How other people have to deal with work, partners, children, financial difficulties etc, yet here I am finding it so difficult to cope. It's not fair that I have it easy when others don't. I doubt I could handle adult pressures more than I have at the moment. I can see myself being pushed over the edge if anything additional is added to my life.

Sketchy 04-11-2017 04:32 PM

I don’t think you do have it easy. You have mh problems, which is incredibly hard to deal with. It makes certain things difficult to cope with, through no fault of your own.

How are you feeling today?

one_step_closer 04-11-2017 08:34 PM

Thank you. I'm desperate to let go of this life but I'm still trying to hold on for my brother. It's getting exhausting and upsetting having to deal with these thoughts and feelings every day. I think one of the main things that people find makes life worthwhile is the relationships they have with people but I don't even feel like I have any fulfilling relationships at all and I don't have the skills needed to form closer relationships and I'm too anxious anyway in social situations.

Part of me wishes someone could do something that would help me cope with my feelings and maybe even feel better but another bigger part of me just wants to die. I want to at least be as self destructive as I was a few years ago when I was self harming and overdosing lots but my body won't tolerate the process any more.

I will never be able to make things ok for my brother so I don't want to hang around. I'm only alive to protect him and I'm not managing to do that. The best thing for everyone is for me to kill myself. I must be quite pathetic because I can't find a way that I think would kill me for sure so I try to stay safe because I don't want to end up alive but disabled and cause further worry for my brother thinking when am I going to try and kill myself again. I have to have one shot and get it right.

Buttons. 04-11-2017 09:11 PM

I understand that feeling of living for other people however I think rather than just writing it off as 'I'll never want to live for myself' it might be worth asking, yourself properly asking yourself, what it would have to take for you to want to give yourself the care and the chances you give others and believe others deserve. It's hard to be objective when you feel so down on yourself but I believe in you and so do many others-we can't all be wrong. It's a case of trying to see that for yourself because it's only when you are working towards making things better because you care about you, rather than others that will help you drag yourself out of the spiral. Hope that makes some sense.

Zurg 04-11-2017 09:30 PM

Buttons speaks wise words.

My psychologist said to me yesterday that our lives are like a sinus curve a bit. It goes up and down continually. Life is a series of mixed moments, some good and some bad. I really do get the way you feel and think about your life because i feel the same a lot of the time. I don't have any dreams. I figured there was no point in making new ones because they won't be real anyway. Sometimes it is easier to kill all hope of a better future because at least then it won't hurt when it turns out to be true. I do believe (even when it is so very hard to keep believing it) that hope is always there. It just kind of sits there and waits for you to grab hold of it again.

Even when nothing seems possible and everything seems hopeless there still are doors to be opened and opportunities awaiting. Happiness changes depending on who you ask. Do you think you have lost the ability to be happy???? I don't. I also believe you can be helped. And i fully believe you can help yourself too. It won't just happen though. It will take hard work and effort. But you are worth that hard work and effort.

Most days i feel an overwhelming desire to just cease to exist. I am not sure what keeps me here. Mostly the guilt, i think. Of putting others through what i have gone through from losing a very dear friend to suicide.

Life is not static. The valleys can be so low but the good things can feel amazing too. Is there something you would really like to experience???? You said you'd like to have proper close relationships with people. That is a very good wish to pursue. And it is not at all unrealistic. Mostly, the thing with dreams and amibitions is cutting them down into smaller steps. Taking each step in its own time. It may take a while but that is okay. It is okay to dream, Lindsay. No dream is too big. Nor too small. Sometimes the seemingly small things can lead to the biggest adventures.

Sketchy 04-11-2017 09:32 PM

Maybe down the line things will improve for your brother. And for you too. You have to hope. Do you talk about this with your cpn?

I do hope you can be kinder to yourself, because you are a good person that deserves it.

discodevilx 04-11-2017 10:25 PM

I agree with Zurg that life is hard but there is hope and opportunities in the future too but it takes time and hard work. I also know the effort it takes
To do anything and the feelings of utter hopelessness. Therein lies the problem. Where do you start? Well I
Do believe that being on here and talking is a great way to help and the acknowledgment you are struggling. You also keep in toci with your mh team and I appreciate that can be varied at times but you keep going and engaging and that is good. Things will improve and I believe that they will for your brother but with you in his life x

one_step_closer 05-11-2017 06:56 PM

Thank you for the replies.

Before I was discharged from psychology my psychologist said he was going to look into what my values are (what is important to me) and see if we could figure out how I could go about doing more things that I value. We never got round to doing any formal work because I was in and out of hospital but we did both see that I care about other people and want to be supportive of them. I might try and ask my CPN if it's possible for me to be re-referred to psychology with an aim to pursue my values, as my psychologist said at one point that I could be re-referred after I had been discharged from psychology for 3 months if it was thought I could benefit from another focused period of therapy, but he didn't mention that again when we reached the end of our sessions so I don't know if that still stands. I can see that I need to take whatever recovery is into my own hands and fight for it along with the support of professionals but a big thing that stops me is that I can't imagine how things could be better than they are right now, and also that I don't want to feel ok and have my brother continue to suffer. I'd rather we were both ok or I'm struggling and he's not. It hurts a lot to think about how my brother may be feeling and there's nothing I have ever managed to do to help him. He has had to put up with my crisis points when he's found out about them and the times I've been in hospital and I'm terrified that the roles will reverse and he will be going through many crisis points. I'm terrified about that for 2 reasons - one I don't want him to suffer, and two I don't think I'm strong enough to watch him suffer. I know maybe if I was more mentally healthy I could support him a bit better but I think I just want to avoid both my feelings and his.

Sketchy 05-11-2017 08:10 PM

Asking about being re referred to psychology is a good plan. It doesnít hurt to ask, and it sounds like you have a perfectly valid reason.

I really hope things get better for both you and your brother. It must be worrying seeing him go through this.

You are right, you do care about other people, and itís nice that you want to support them. You have been very supportive to me and to others, which is why you are such a valuable member of this community. I hope you can show yourself the same kindness.

one_step_closer 05-11-2017 08:26 PM

Thank you. A big part of me doesn't want to actively try to move forward which is quite difficult to admit. I know that the people involved in my treatment wouldn't be happy to hear that and may even stop supporting me. I can't imagine what a more stable life would feel like and I guess as with a lot of people I am afraid of the unknown. I am very afraid that anything different to how things are now would actually feel worse.

It's hard to show myself kindness because I know all my flaws and I know that with a lot of people they can be very hard on themselves because they are connected to themselves and may not be able to look at themselves as objectively as they would others. One thing my psychologist was trying to help me with was self compassion, it just feels so uncomfortable and wrong to do anything kind for myself. I think I'm kind enough to myself anyway in that I don't push myself to do many things if they feel too stressful and that's being too considerate of myself.

Sketchy 05-11-2017 08:33 PM

I get what you mean. I fear the future, the unknown and I find recovery so hard to imagine.

Hopefully you’ll be able to speak to a psychologist again and can address these issues. It’s worth talking about it with your cpn.

one_step_closer 06-11-2017 06:13 PM

I'm sort of kidding myself. Psychology wouldn't help me. I've seen 4 psychologists now over a number of years and nothing has ever changed. I've just felt supported by the process of exploring things with a psychologist. My previous psychiatrist said I would be discharged from psychology as soon as it became about just supporting me. Everyone is so focused on whatever moving forward looks like to them but I don't want to take risks as I firmly believe nothing can get better than it is right now, I can only end up making things worse. There's no way things can get better. What does better even feel like? I am not programmed to be well. No one is guaranteed a good life anyway, life is some form of punishment.

I need to find the focus to plan a foolproof suicide. I can't carry on like this. I'm sure that suicide is the right option for me, but I can't get it wrong because then my brother will find out and worry about me for the rest of his life. He wouldn't grieve for the rest of his life if I was dead. I'm absolutely sick of trying to stay safe. This is so pointless. Everything is pointless. I don't want to fight any more. I can't do this.

Sketchy 06-11-2017 06:31 PM

Please reach out to someone right now. Can you phone someone?

Now is the time to reach out, you sound like you are at crisis point. Can you phone crisis?

one_step_closer 06-11-2017 06:39 PM

I'm so tired of reaching out, it's not a solution. I may be somewhat pacified by someone for a period of time but all of this is just going to keep coming back. There's nothing anyone can offer me that would help in the longer term. I'm hurting everyone by being alive. I will hurt people when I die but at least I can no longer cause any new hurt. I really don't want to exist. There is nothing worth going through this pain for.

Sketchy 06-11-2017 06:47 PM

You are bringing something good to people by being alive. Please believe that.

Please stay safe. Who knows what the future will bring. We have to hope for change.

one_step_closer 06-11-2017 06:53 PM

I tried to phone crisis but the person who answered was someone I can't talk to so I just hung up. I could try phoning Breathing Space but they may tell me to phone the crisis team again or put me through to NHS 24 and I don't want to go through this process. If the person from crisis finds out I called Breathing Space because I couldn't talk to her she will be annoyed. I'm going round in circles. Nothing can change for the better.

Sketchy 06-11-2017 07:03 PM

Try phoning breathing space. It’s worth a try.

Crisis shouldn’t be angry with you for phoning breathing space. It’s a positive thing to reach out for help and you should not be criticised for it.

one_step_closer 06-11-2017 07:26 PM

I tried. I can't bring myself to say anything when someone answers. I'll end up killing myself one day so it may as well be sooner rather than later. I'm sorry for posting all this crap here. I just have nowhere else I am able to reach out to right now. I could phone my CPN if she's around tomorrow. I don't want to feel like this. I'm so desperate and I know that it's useless trying to talk to anyone because there is no solution for this pain other than death. I'm feeling like I might end up going out and doing something risky but I actually probably won't. I can't be seen outside by anyone.

Sketchy 06-11-2017 07:30 PM

If you are feeling unsafe please try to phone someone.

Phoning your cpn tomorrow is a good idea. It sounds like you need to talk to someone.

I’m glad you are talking here too, but I think you need help in real life very soon too. Please reach out.

one_step_closer 06-11-2017 07:38 PM

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. It's not fair that I'm posting here. I should either get on with suicide or be brave enough to talk to a professional over the phone. I probably sound so pathetic. I really hate myself. I'm sorry. I'll survive.

Sketchy 06-11-2017 07:44 PM

You don’t sound pathetic. You sound like you are in distress and needing help.

Please try and be brave and phone someone. Help is out there and you are deserving and need it.

one_step_closer 06-11-2017 08:43 PM

Oh God I am sick of myself. Calmed down a bit. Sorry for the drama.

Zurg 06-11-2017 08:55 PM

Lindsay, i think you are right in the observation that this will never just disappear and never be back. I am trying to realise right now that my darkness will never truly let go of me, and it is hard and devastating. But it doesn't mean it will take up all the space in our lives. I do believe with a bit of support and a firm but gentle push forward, your life could improve and the darkness could lift for periods of time. And who knows??? Maybe there would be longer and longer between these periods??? Maybe they could be long enough that you would gather enough strentgh to better cope with the bad times??? It's certainly not impossible.

I think we all fear the unknown to some degree. But fears can be worked to overcome in the right setting. Sometimes we got to ask ourselves if we dare to pursue a better life. I think deep down you actually want a different life, a more fulfilling life. You're just scared about the consequences in pursuing this. That is where the baby steps come to their right. You don't have to cross all the rivers at once.

one_step_closer 06-11-2017 09:27 PM

Thanks Kat. It's hard to imagine anything being different because things have been like this for a while. I have to remember that there is still a possibility that things will change. When I get to crisis points/very suicidal I can see nothing else. This is probably one of the crisis points I have come out of more quickly (within hours) and I can look back with a clearer head and see what complete hell I was in but that it did pass. I never learn though. The next time I get to a crisis point it will be the be all and end all, even if someone points out to me that I have been there before and got through it. It's hard because at the time it feels never ending and sometimes crisis points do last for a considerably long time and I can't predict when I'll start to feel a bit more stable. It's scary. I genuinely think I have only just realised how unstable my emotions are from what I went through tonight. I don't have highs or anything, just neutral emotions and major crisis points. I can't find a way to self soothe and my fear of phoning people leaves me in a dangerous situation at time. For anyone who doesn't have BPD it probably looks really weird/suspicious that a couple of hours ago I was on the brink of suicide and now I'm doing ok. I can't even explain what it's like.

I am very scared to change anything in a direction that 'normal' people would consider moving forward because I have been in employment before and it made me more unwell. I can only imagine having to work in a job that I absolutely hate. I know there are smaller steps that I may be allowed to take before I'm forced into work though. My previous psychologist said I need to try things and see what happens and learn from what happens. I should be starting volunteering if I'm given a chance by this organisation after I had to cancel the last meeting because I was in a crisis point. I'm not reliable. I can say all these things right now and believe that I need to try and get things to a better level in my life but who knows how I'll feel even a minute from now. BPD is such a rollercoaster.

one_step_closer 07-11-2017 02:04 PM

Feeling rubbish again, not majorly suicidal though. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow so I probably shouldn't phone her today. My friend wants to meet up later on for me to do her yet another favour. I know she likes me as a friend but she uses me a lot too and I'm finding it hard to deal with social contact at the moment. She changes plans a lot and I find that I need to have things confirmed at least the day before they're due to happen so I can prepare myself for the social contact but my friend springs things on me at the last minute. I can't say I don't want to meet up because she'll take it personally and will say I'm not a good friend.

Life is far too stressful for me and I'm not even doing anything stressful. I can't bear to have more and more days like this. The respite after the storm I had yesterday turned out to be very brief. It's not enough to hold on to. I've had enough.

one_step_closer 07-11-2017 02:24 PM

My friend has again changed the plans so I don't think I'll be meeting up with her today.

I hate living in this fearful life where I'm afraid of what the next minute will bring with regards to my emotions. I feel like I should phone my CPN in the hope that I can maybe prevent a crisis point later on today because I'm not likely to be able to talk to anyone from crisis. I don't know what she could do though, nothing probably. And I should just hold on until I see her tomorrow. Nothing is going to change. I can't continue with this battle. Sorry for posting here loads I just need somewhere to get things out and I need more than posting in the ranting and venting board.

Sketchy 07-11-2017 04:08 PM

I know what you mean about planning things. I have to prepare myself in advance too for anything social.

Have you tried phoning your cpn?

No need to apologise for posting. You have every right to have this space to express yourself and get support.


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:00 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.