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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Sketchy 27-07-2017 02:59 PM

Thinking of you.

one_step_closer 27-07-2017 08:03 PM

Thanks. They managed to get me a bed on my local ward but someone needs the bed on tuesday so i'll be discharged by then. I don't feel hopeful that this admission will help but i'm giving it my best shot. The nurse who did my admission told the student nurse that i do a specific form of self harm in hospital as a cry for help. She said i had told her this but it's not true and i didn't correct her. I don't feel able to talk to her but she is on all day tomorrow and may do my one to one.

Sketchy 27-07-2017 08:08 PM

I hope this admission helps you. Remember to take things like phone, things to keep you occupied and distracted.

Sorry the nurse didn't listen. Hopefully there will be others there who do listen.

Take care.

Sketchy 31-07-2017 02:38 PM

Just checking to see how you are. I hope you are getting all the support you need.

one_step_closer 01-08-2017 01:46 PM

Got home today. The admission was ok, a bit of respite. I'm hoping to propose a plan of short admissions every couple of months if needed but don't know how my team will react to that. My psychiatrist did at one point say I could have admissions for a couple of days every month but every month is too much and a couple of days is too little.

Sketchy 01-08-2017 02:32 PM

It's certainly worth talking with your psych about it. I'm glad you got a bit of a respite.
How are you feeling today? Do you have help now you are home, like from crisis?

one_step_closer 01-08-2017 04:00 PM

I'm alright, haven't let anyone know I'm home yet so getting no support. I usually prefer to be on my own for a while after I'm discharged. The first little while isn't too much of a struggle.

Sketchy 01-08-2017 07:21 PM

Just remember there are people there if you are needing support. And of course, we are here also. I know how hard it can be coming out of hospital, so if you need someone to talk to I'll happily listen.

one_step_closer 01-08-2017 08:34 PM

Thank you.

I'm finding it hard to occupy myself. Because there are more choices of what I can do at home I can't decide what to do. When I was in hospital I just went round in circles on the internet, watched catch up TV, wrote, read books, and in between doing these things I went for walks round the grounds. There's nowhere near me really to go walking and I don't want to be seen by my neighbours.

Sketchy 01-08-2017 08:38 PM

I understand that. I find it hard to make choices when I'm struggling. Maybe you can come up with a to do list to keep you occupied. I sometimes find planning a few easy things helpful.

one_step_closer 01-08-2017 08:53 PM

I'm thinking that my problem is that I'm not interested in doing anything. When I was in hospital I was forcing myself to do things because it was boring and I was doing lots of walking because it passed the time. Outside of hospital there is more to do but I just can't enjoy anything and everything seems like I huge task.

Sketchy 01-08-2017 09:18 PM

Maybe try taking it easy and step by step. Maybe you could put on your favourite programs, things that don't require a lot of energy.

one_step_closer 12-08-2017 09:42 PM

I don't know if it's still ok to post here, I just need somewhere to talk through things. I'm absolutely sick of my life and it is probably a much better life than a lot of people have. I just want to cut and overdose but I'm not able to cope with physical pain enough to cut 'good enough' any more. I can barely swallow my 5 prescription meds so I'll never be able to swallow a greater quantity of larger meds in order to overdose. I feel like I need to be doing something very self destructive. If I said this to anyone they probably wouldn't care because it isn't likely that I'll be able to harm myself much so why should it matter? Nothing is making me feel better and I can't stand it any more.

Sketchy 13-08-2017 06:52 AM

Of course it's ok to post. This is your support thread and you deserve to have a place where you can get support.

I'm sorry things are bad. I hope these thoughts go away soon. Is there anything that would help just now?

one_step_closer 13-08-2017 02:18 PM

I'm tired of this happening all the time. I barely get any relief and when I do it's short lived. I'm not content with my life and I can't think of anything that would make it better, I can only see things getting worse in the future. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow so I will try to talk to her but there is no point because she can't help. The only thing that sometimes helps is hospital and I can't keep being admitted every time things get tough.

Buttons. 13-08-2017 04:51 PM

Not many words right now but *hugs and love and all that fluff*

Sketchy 13-08-2017 05:25 PM

I wish I had words right now. I hope your cpn can help you, although I do understand that it can seem pointless. Give her a chance though. Tell her what you have told us. Maybe there is something new to be tried.

Take care and be kind to yourself. I hope things get better for you soon.

one_step_closer 13-08-2017 09:37 PM

Thank you both. My CPN will probably tell me to get a job. It's ok for her because she has a career, although I do have qualifications I don't feel able to use them so I'd be stuck in a job that would likely make me more miserable. I worry a lot about being forced into work and then things getting worse. I cut a bit tonight but not well enough. I got so triggered to overdose when I was in bed last night and planned to try and do it today but I didn't do it. It's just the difficulty of taking more and more tablets that stops me. I'm pathetic.

one_step_closer 14-08-2017 09:13 PM

Can't cope with this. I don't want to keep existing and not existing. Things have changed over the years but ultimately they have stayed the same or got worse if that makes any sense. I don't self harm much any more, in all of the ways I used to, but that's only because I'm losing the ability to do it and I actually want to be very, very self destructive. If it takes me all day to overdose because I gag on the pills I should just do it anyway. I don't want the horrible feeling of trying to swallow and swallow and swallow though. I can't harm myself enough. I am just weak that's all. I need to take steps to end my life. If I could think of a 100% foolproof way I'd do it, there is nothing for me in life and there never will be. I have had diagnosed mental health problems for more than half of my life and I recognise that I had symptoms long before I was diagnosed. Mental illness has ruined my life.

Sketchy 14-08-2017 11:36 PM

Lovely please talk to your team about this. I know it can sometimes seem relentless, but perhaps they can do something to help. Tell them what you have told us.
Are you safe just now?
Please reach out for help and stay safe. You have much to offer the world, but just now you need help. Take care.


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