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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 19-07-2017 06:22 PM

Thanks. I don't want to keep just going through the process of living but getting nothing positive from it. It doesn't matter what I add to my life it never makes me feel good.

Serendipity. 19-07-2017 07:20 PM

I'm sorry you're struggling so much at the moment. It's so hard to keep going when it all feels so awful and pointless, so I think it shows how strong you are that you have managed to do that. When was the last time you did feel better?

EMH 19-07-2017 08:02 PM

ive just read through your thread. im sorry things have been rough recently. completely agree how hard it is with BPD and getting people to understand just how hard it is. I stopped seeing a treatment team once because they just discounted everything i said, pretty sure because of BPD they just assumed I was being dramatic and it was just words. They just dont get how hard it is not to make them into actions.
I hope youre feeling a bit better today, and your team are being helpful

one_step_closer 19-07-2017 08:17 PM

Thank you both. I felt better towards the end of my last spell in hospital which was in May, the feeling didn't last because when I got back home everything was just the same as it always has been and I started struggling again. When I'm in hospital there is more support and also less expectations and when I am discharged I realise I'm achieving nothing at home and I feel low again.

I am feeling suicidal but in an achey way rather than a sharp way tonight, at least it's not so hard to deal with. I hold on for my brother but I am tired of suffering. I can't even do some of the self harming behaviours that I used to do which gave me a bit of a break before, it's just actually physically difficult if not impossible for me to do some of these things and I miss doing them. I desperately need respite.

EMH 19-07-2017 09:36 PM

yeah, hospital is so different and its a shame there isnt a part way between the low expectations and high support of hospital setting and being at home with all the memories and associations to feelings etc.
i know how you mean its achey and not sharp.
could you maybe try and do some self soothing stuff where you look after yourself, maybe it would help take away self harm thoughts. sometimes i take a long bath and take my time over everything and it feels relaxing. although other times it triggers me so i dont know what is helpful to you, but just trying to give an example

Serendipity. 19-07-2017 10:06 PM

It's great that there was a time you felt better. I know that it's probably really frustrating that that didn't last when you got home, but it does show that you do have the potential to feel better - so although things seem hopeless right now, maybe they won't always.

When you say that you're achieving 'nothing', I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. You're not achieving nothing. You're in so much pain, and yet you're still here, you carry on getting through each day. I always see you posting pics of your cats and it seems like you take really good care of them. I know it's incredibly hard to keep doing these things, but you deserve to give yourself some credit for it. It's not nothing, it's huge.

What is it about the support in hospital that helps? Sorry, I know that probably sounds like a really silly question! But if you can break it down a bit we might be able to help you think of other ways to achieve the same result.

one_step_closer 19-07-2017 10:45 PM

Thanks again. I really appreciate the support I have been receiving here.

I'm pretty rubbish at self soothing, I usually need to reach out to someone for support in order to feel a bit better. I think that's one of the things that I value in hospital, that I can usually have supportive face to face contact with someone most days. What I'm relying on at home is phone calls and I haven't been managing to talk about things a lot because I'm anxious on the phone.

I don't even know what I want to be achieving. My psychologist is going to use our last sessions to try and figure out what my values are, maybe being able to point to things that I could be doing with my life that I would find fulfilling. I'm trying to hold on to the hope that it will be helpful but my emotions get in the way of everything. Plus I really don't want my psychology sessions to end because they are something I hold on for, for me. I don't think my psychologist would consider giving me longer term therapy though, we have spoken about it before. I'm worried about how I'll cope without seeing him. I have had a period where I was discharged from psychology before and I coped ok but I knew I was ready for it at that point.

tiptoes 19-07-2017 11:10 PM

Are there any groups you could go to? For a bit of supportive human contact.

I agree with the others you are achieving so much by waking each morning and continuing the fight, it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination and I truly hope you start to get some respite for your hard work.

one_step_closer 20-07-2017 04:19 PM

Thanks. I was supposed to start going to a craft group and a gym group but couldn't motivate myself to get up on time for them because I'm not really interested. I know I might benefit from going it's just that I really struggle to get out of bed even sometimes when there are things I want to be doing.

Sketchy 20-07-2017 06:23 PM

I know what you mean. I struggle to get out of bed and struggle to motivate myself. I find it easier to go by my mood and if I'm not up to it, then I don't. However, my OT says I should not go by my mood and try things because it will help in the long run. It's hard but maybe you could give it a try. What about setting yourself small attainable goals, like attending one group, then rewarding yourself afterwards. I wish I knew how to make motivation easy. I appreciate how difficult it is.

one_step_closer 20-07-2017 08:30 PM

I schedule most things for the afternoon, usually after 1pm I will definitely make it to things. My support worker has arranged for me to have support to go to the gym at 2.30 on Tuesdays for 6 weeks and then I think he'll want me to go to the group.

Chester Bennington has killed himself. Linkin Park are my favourite band and have been throughout my teenage years. It's very sad and I feel like if he can't hold on then how can I? My brother is upset by the news and I'm worried about him because I don't want him to feel anything bad. He said Linkin Park have helped him through a lot, it's distressing to think that my brother has been through difficult things. One of my major triggers is bad things happening to my brother so I'm feeling a bit low and vulnerable.

Sketchy 20-07-2017 08:44 PM

I'm so sorry about Chester Bennington. And I'm sorry your brother is also suffering because of this.
Thinking of you.

one_step_closer 21-07-2017 09:23 PM

Yes, it's very sad. My brother tried to reassure me last night that his upset is normal and that many other people are upset too. He was worried about me because of how I relate to the band and wanted to make sure I was ok. A big part of me wishes he didn't care about me because then it would be easier for me to kill myself.

I saw my psychiatrist today and he's going to increase my Fluoxetine but I don't have any hope that it will help. He said I can have three days in hospital any time I think I need it which is a bit reassuring but my CPN only wants me to go to my local hospital so if I'm struggling again and there are no beds there I will be on my own with the stabbing suicidal pain again.

Sketchy 21-07-2017 09:29 PM

I hope the med change helps.

It's good that your brother cares for you. We all need someone to look out for us. And if it helps keep you safe then that's good too, because you won't always feel like this. Keep talking and keep your cpn updated on everything so you can get the help you need.

one_step_closer 22-07-2017 08:52 PM

My CPN is on holiday until the 31st July and I think if my psychiatrist thought I should go into hospital now he would have said. Because I'm not so acutely distressed any more hospital probably wouldn't be considered, but saying that I'm supposed to be trying to have shorter times in hospital before I get to a crisis point to try and prevent it happening. I'll be ok at home for now anyway. Life is just hurting me at the moment.

Juella 23-07-2017 03:57 AM

I think the idea of going to the hospital before you're in crisis to prevent it is a very good one. It's really worth considering. But if you're sure you'll be okay at home for now, then that's very good news and you might not go just now. Anyway, I'm really sorry you're still in pain.

one_step_closer 24-07-2017 10:40 PM

I actually wish I was in hospital right now, I'm really struggling and can't phone anyone. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow but I don't want to say to him that I think I need to go into hospital for a short time because I'm not entirely unsafe right now and I don't know his beliefs on when I should be admitted to hospital. It would of course have to go through my psychiatrist or a CPN. I just don't want to end up back in the place I was a couple of weeks ago. I worry so much about what other people think about me so I don't know if I feel able to mention this to anyone in case they think I just want to be in hospital for a laugh or something. My psychiatrist said I can go into hospital for 3 days any time I want but I don't know if he really meant that and what my psychologist and CPN think about that. I find it hard to ask for what I need. I don't know if I will find the courage to say anything tomorrow.

Buttons. 24-07-2017 10:51 PM

Could you perhaps write it down, as you say you find it hard to ask for what you need? You deserve to be heard, in whatever medium you find most comfortable.

sherlock holmes 25-07-2017 03:03 PM

Your psychiatrist wouldnt have told you that if he didnt mean it. I think you should ask for the 3 day admission as it sounds like you do need it. Hope it goes well with your psychologist.

one_step_closer 25-07-2017 05:19 PM

Thanks. I told my psychologist how I'm feeling and he phoned the crisis team who phoned me later on. I said to my psychologist that I don't want to go into hospital so the crisis team had that information but told me that it is an option. I've to get a call from the place where my support worker is from tonight and I've to phone the crisis team tomorrow. My CPN is back from her time off on Monday and is going to phone me. I'm worried because right now I think I can hold on but when I was with my psychologist, and many other times, I have felt so desperate and unsafe and that's bound to come back. I'm meeting up with my brother tomorrow and I had plans to do something serious after that, just to meet up with him one last time. I don't know if going into hospital will help because it's for such a short time - I think I'm allowed up to a week but probably wouldn't be in as long as that.

I'm sad because I only have one session left with my psychologist. We won't be exploring my values and how I can move forward in my life because I have wasted the two sessions when we were supposed to start doing this. I really wish my sessions weren't ending. A lot of the time they're the only thing I hold on for, for me.


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