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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 17-03-2018 06:57 PM

My day has been pointless as always. I imagine a worthwhile life to involve meaningful, close, regular connections with people but I can't see me ever having that. It's too much for me to have a lot of social contact and personal relationships involve quite a bit of social contact. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a presence around me at times, like when my brother comes over for Christmas and we sit in the same room doing our own thing. It's stressful having him about though. I'd want to only have short periods of non-pressured contact with people when I could handle them but that's not a give and take relationship, it would be using someone. I don't think I could commit to a more regular relationship. I can't find a balance. I will end up just having to be lonely, always. Is it possible to build up tolerance to social contact? I'm only good at short periods and sometimes I'm only comfortable with professionals. I'm supposed to keep breathing, trapped in torture which can only get worse.

I got a letter through about accessing copies of some more of my medical records. I'll have to pay 58.80, so much money. When I spoke to my CPN yesterday she said something about how I've been through so much from what she has read in my notes. I know what I've been through but I don't know what I've been through in the eyes of others and what has been recorded in my notes. I don't trust that people have been recording my experiences as they are, rather they will have judged me and wrote their own beliefs about my experiences. It's not ok for wrong opinions of me to be out there, especially in the form of notes that future people involved in my treatment can read and use to build a picture of me.

I need something more in life but I don't know what I can handle and I don't know what might give me some enjoyment. I don't want to fill the majority of my time with sleeping, internetting. reading, TV, trying to find things to buy from the same places. I have no one to share things with but having more people in my life might be too difficult. I can't just pluck a person I'm comfortable with out of thin air. I'll have to base my life on small numbers of professional relationships.

The person's death from the ward is making me distantly relive past hospital traumas. Hospital looks to me like a scary place now and somewhere that is not safe. I remember many times when I have been really distressed and acted in extreme ways and when other people have been really distressed and their actions caused fear and upset in me. People can leave hospital and die. People can die in hospital. Mental health wards are not able to keep people safe. No one can always recognise when someone needs a higher level of treatment or observation. People are going to let me die when I am vulnerable.

one_step_closer 18-03-2018 12:23 PM

I've completely had enough. Please someone help me end this. I really don't want to face up to the fight any more. So much emotional pain.

one_step_closer 18-03-2018 02:14 PM

There's absolutely no point to this fight. If I knew of a sure way to kill myself I'd do it right now. I'm waiting for the knowledge and the energy. Why keep going on like this every single day? I'm trapped until I can die. I'm absolutely terrified of having to continue on like this.

tamobhuuta 18-03-2018 05:30 PM

Please don't give up. I am sorry you are struggling so much. Is there anything you can think of that would help this?

Moonlight Princess 18-03-2018 06:07 PM

Tell us what you're scared of continuing like Lindsay? Sorry I haven't read through this thread from the beginning. For what it's worth you're so supportive to people around here and you obviously have a lot to give to the people around you. I also don't think you're alone in craving closer relationships but also finding lots of social contact hard. I see no reason why you can't meet people who feel the same when it comes to getting to know other people.

Sending love.

one_step_closer 18-03-2018 07:23 PM

Thank you both for your replies.

Everything just hurts so much, emotionally. I have multiple battles with desperate feelings every single day. I am totally trapped in 'life' because I have to keep reminding myself that most suicide attempts aren't successful and I can't face up to the worry my brother would have if he found out I had attempted suicide and failed. I know it would be hard for him if I was dead too but selfishly I wouldn't have to feel anything. Every 'fix' is very temporary; I sometimes feel a bit better if I can talk to someone I trust but most of the time those people aren't around because they are 9-5 professionals; if I can focus and come across something interesting enough to watch on TV or read I can be distracted for a short period but distractions are often not distracting enough.

I have no/little external stress and I still can't deal with life. I worry so much about additional pressures being placed on me. I fail at completing suicide so I will always be stuck having to feel too much without relief. Nothing can be put in place for me, by me or by other people. I've spent too long fighting. I don't have episodes of being distressed it's chronic. I'm scared that there is probably no way out.

one_step_closer 19-03-2018 06:11 PM

There's an ambulance at my neighbour's house. Huge trigger. But it doesn't even matter that I'm triggered because I can't physically do enough harm to myself any more, so I'm safe. I can't hurt myself, I can't kill myself, I can't get help. I really am trapped.

one_step_closer 19-03-2018 06:13 PM

Is an emotional crisis point even considered a crisis if someone is most likely to be safe? I can't be that bad if I'm not doing anything risky. I've just lost the ability not the drive. I hate this.

tamobhuuta 19-03-2018 09:21 PM

I don't know. It's good you are posting here. Please take care of yourself as much as possible. I'm sorry I haven't read all your posts. Is there anything that has helped in the past?

one_step_closer 20-03-2018 06:37 PM

Thanks for your reply. Talking to people helps sometimes but there aren't many people I know well enough to confide in now. I'm seeing my support worker tomorrow to review my plan with the organisation he works for, which is just going to their gym group. I might be able to talk to him a bit about how I'm feeling but if I feel reasonably ok because he's there then I might not be able to explain how things have been and continue to be.

I feel quite sad because my life really is about feeling bad and getting very brief respite before the next bad period. By brief respite I mean I get maybe less than an hour of feeling ok before things get bad again. There's nothing that can be put in place for me because I'm not at risk so I'm just suffering on and on.

one_step_closer 21-03-2018 12:35 PM

No point. Here I am in yet another day that is already a battle. Even steps forward that are broken into smaller steps are too much to manage. It's all completely hopeless. Nothing is going to change and I have completely had enough. I want to kill myself. I want to know of a sure method. I'm lucky I'm at least seeing my support worker this afternoon, I might be able to talk to him. But there's nothing that he can do for me and nothing that I can do for me. It's chronic.

one_step_closer 21-03-2018 06:15 PM

My support worker has actually taken some more time off so I didn't see him today. I phoned his office and they said he hadn't told them that he was due to see me. I know there's nothing he can do for me anyway except for being a listening ear for a short time. I have no idea what to do from here.

tamobhuuta 21-03-2018 07:58 PM

I'm sorry to hear this. It must be so hard. But things can get better, please don't give up x

one_step_closer 23-03-2018 07:28 PM

My support worker is actually off sick and has been for the past 6 weeks which I think was when I last had an appointment with him. Might mean his problems have been triggered by me. He's going to be off for another 2-4 weeks. I hope he's going to be ok, he deserves to be ok. I also selfishly don't want to lose him as my support worker. It's been so hard this past couple of weeks not having supportive contact, I can only talk to my CPN and support worker and a couple of support assistants so with both my CPN and support worker off I've been alone with things. I feel quite ridiculous 'needing' so much support. I don't even really need it as I'm still surviving without the supportive contact. I'm being selfish and just wanting people to be there for me but there aren't enough resources to go around and I don't have support from personal relationships. I feel very alone and hurting and in need of someone to confide in and take action to help me. But as I have said many times, I'm most likely to be safe so no one will think that any action needs to be taken.

I actually miss doing risky things and acting on impulse. A lot of the time now I'm so focused on worrying about other people judging me if I was to do something serious and need help that it stops me. I also worry about my brother finding out. I need to do something big to myself. Something negative and punishing. I feel unable to take the steps needed and that is quite upsetting to me. I can no longer express my pain or soothe my pain in the ways that I want to.

one_step_closer 23-03-2018 07:33 PM

(Just want to kill myself. Please give me the ability to get it right.)

one_step_closer 25-03-2018 05:43 PM

I'm really hurting. I need support so badly. I can't comfort myself. I'm very lonely. I don't know what it's like to have someone to be honest with and get support from in a personal relationship, only professional relationships, and I don't have professionals I can confide in other than my CPN right now. No one truly cares about me. No one wants me in their life. Professionals see me because it's their job. I am not valuable or important. I need more. I'm sorry. I should grow up.

I need out of life. I don't want to keep facing up to this every single day. I am so desperate but not clear about how to succeed in killing myself so I'm still trapped here in agony. This needs to end. My life needs to end.

nonperson 25-03-2018 05:59 PM

Do you have any online friendships with people who you think you could confide in?

one_step_closer 26-03-2018 06:33 PM

I tried to phone a helpline but kept hanging up, phone calls really stress me. I did then phone my local informal crisis team and hung up once but managed to talk the second time because one of the rare people I know answered. There's no point in even talking to anyone. I get through crisis points and then another one hits. I want to stop getting through now, I need help to quit life.

The only things I 'look forward to' are appointments with professionals to talk about my mental health. That's sad. Holding everything inside except for half an hour once a fortnight when I see my CPN hurts. But I'm an adult and adults are supposed to be responsible for themselves. It's lonely trying to be responsible for myself, I need someone to be there for me. I can't have good supportive connections. I have no purpose in life other than to keep breathing so my brother doesn't lose another family member and so I can give him money when he needs it. I'm not sure that I even want any kind of purpose that I could achieve in life. I seriously just want to die and I have no idea how to make that possible or how to find something that makes life better.

one_step_closer 26-03-2018 07:59 PM

I'm a person who walks away from people who are struggling. I distanced myself from my friend because I couldn't cope with the more confrontational parts of her illness. I wasn't strong enough to be there for her. We just unintentionally hurt each other. When my brother is struggling I sometimes react in a seemingly angry way, because I'm scared and worried, so he probably doesn't share much with me. I am a worthless person. I contribute very little to people and I struggle to feel anything good about life. What is the point in me being here?

I can't even self harm or overdose to get some relief. My body says no, you must suffer. There really is very little point in me being alive. But what can I do about it? I will cause more pain for my brother if I get suicide wrong. I need someone to help me to die. The cats can be well looked after by someone else so that's not a reason to stick around. No one else can be my brother's sister but who needs a sister like me? He could have all my money. I'd stop actively bringing in money for him though. I don't want this pain. I see people living, finding partners and having children. I can't even imagine that for me and it's not even something I want. I don't fit into adult life. I don't fit into any form of life. Even ridiculous little things like the garden needing tidied, the car needing it's MOT, my hair needing cut. are getting to me. Suicide seems like the only solution because I can't face up to things and I can't tolerate anything.

one_step_closer 26-03-2018 08:04 PM

And I seriously can't just keep posting here about everything (yet here I am doing it again). I'm not taking any action. I have to find a way to die.


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