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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Sketchy 27-07-2017 02:59 PM

Thinking of you.

one_step_closer 27-07-2017 08:03 PM

Thanks. They managed to get me a bed on my local ward but someone needs the bed on tuesday so i'll be discharged by then. I don't feel hopeful that this admission will help but i'm giving it my best shot. The nurse who did my admission told the student nurse that i do a specific form of self harm in hospital as a cry for help. She said i had told her this but it's not true and i didn't correct her. I don't feel able to talk to her but she is on all day tomorrow and may do my one to one.

Sketchy 27-07-2017 08:08 PM

I hope this admission helps you. Remember to take things like phone, things to keep you occupied and distracted.

Sorry the nurse didn't listen. Hopefully there will be others there who do listen.

Take care.

Sketchy 31-07-2017 02:38 PM

Just checking to see how you are. I hope you are getting all the support you need.

one_step_closer 01-08-2017 01:46 PM

Got home today. The admission was ok, a bit of respite. I'm hoping to propose a plan of short admissions every couple of months if needed but don't know how my team will react to that. My psychiatrist did at one point say I could have admissions for a couple of days every month but every month is too much and a couple of days is too little.

Sketchy 01-08-2017 02:32 PM

It's certainly worth talking with your psych about it. I'm glad you got a bit of a respite.
How are you feeling today? Do you have help now you are home, like from crisis?

one_step_closer 01-08-2017 04:00 PM

I'm alright, haven't let anyone know I'm home yet so getting no support. I usually prefer to be on my own for a while after I'm discharged. The first little while isn't too much of a struggle.

Sketchy 01-08-2017 07:21 PM

Just remember there are people there if you are needing support. And of course, we are here also. I know how hard it can be coming out of hospital, so if you need someone to talk to I'll happily listen.

one_step_closer 01-08-2017 08:34 PM

Thank you.

I'm finding it hard to occupy myself. Because there are more choices of what I can do at home I can't decide what to do. When I was in hospital I just went round in circles on the internet, watched catch up TV, wrote, read books, and in between doing these things I went for walks round the grounds. There's nowhere near me really to go walking and I don't want to be seen by my neighbours.

Sketchy 01-08-2017 08:38 PM

I understand that. I find it hard to make choices when I'm struggling. Maybe you can come up with a to do list to keep you occupied. I sometimes find planning a few easy things helpful.

one_step_closer 01-08-2017 08:53 PM

I'm thinking that my problem is that I'm not interested in doing anything. When I was in hospital I was forcing myself to do things because it was boring and I was doing lots of walking because it passed the time. Outside of hospital there is more to do but I just can't enjoy anything and everything seems like I huge task.

Sketchy 01-08-2017 09:18 PM

Maybe try taking it easy and step by step. Maybe you could put on your favourite programs, things that don't require a lot of energy.

one_step_closer 12-08-2017 09:42 PM

I don't know if it's still ok to post here, I just need somewhere to talk through things. I'm absolutely sick of my life and it is probably a much better life than a lot of people have. I just want to cut and overdose but I'm not able to cope with physical pain enough to cut 'good enough' any more. I can barely swallow my 5 prescription meds so I'll never be able to swallow a greater quantity of larger meds in order to overdose. I feel like I need to be doing something very self destructive. If I said this to anyone they probably wouldn't care because it isn't likely that I'll be able to harm myself much so why should it matter? Nothing is making me feel better and I can't stand it any more.

Sketchy 13-08-2017 06:52 AM

Of course it's ok to post. This is your support thread and you deserve to have a place where you can get support.

I'm sorry things are bad. I hope these thoughts go away soon. Is there anything that would help just now?

one_step_closer 13-08-2017 02:18 PM

I'm tired of this happening all the time. I barely get any relief and when I do it's short lived. I'm not content with my life and I can't think of anything that would make it better, I can only see things getting worse in the future. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow so I will try to talk to her but there is no point because she can't help. The only thing that sometimes helps is hospital and I can't keep being admitted every time things get tough.

Buttons. 13-08-2017 04:51 PM

Not many words right now but *hugs and love and all that fluff*

Sketchy 13-08-2017 05:25 PM

I wish I had words right now. I hope your cpn can help you, although I do understand that it can seem pointless. Give her a chance though. Tell her what you have told us. Maybe there is something new to be tried.

Take care and be kind to yourself. I hope things get better for you soon.

one_step_closer 13-08-2017 09:37 PM

Thank you both. My CPN will probably tell me to get a job. It's ok for her because she has a career, although I do have qualifications I don't feel able to use them so I'd be stuck in a job that would likely make me more miserable. I worry a lot about being forced into work and then things getting worse. I cut a bit tonight but not well enough. I got so triggered to overdose when I was in bed last night and planned to try and do it today but I didn't do it. It's just the difficulty of taking more and more tablets that stops me. I'm pathetic.

one_step_closer 14-08-2017 09:13 PM

Can't cope with this. I don't want to keep existing and not existing. Things have changed over the years but ultimately they have stayed the same or got worse if that makes any sense. I don't self harm much any more, in all of the ways I used to, but that's only because I'm losing the ability to do it and I actually want to be very, very self destructive. If it takes me all day to overdose because I gag on the pills I should just do it anyway. I don't want the horrible feeling of trying to swallow and swallow and swallow though. I can't harm myself enough. I am just weak that's all. I need to take steps to end my life. If I could think of a 100% foolproof way I'd do it, there is nothing for me in life and there never will be. I have had diagnosed mental health problems for more than half of my life and I recognise that I had symptoms long before I was diagnosed. Mental illness has ruined my life.

Sketchy 14-08-2017 11:36 PM

Lovely please talk to your team about this. I know it can sometimes seem relentless, but perhaps they can do something to help. Tell them what you have told us.
Are you safe just now?
Please reach out for help and stay safe. You have much to offer the world, but just now you need help. Take care.

one_step_closer 15-08-2017 01:34 PM

Thank you. I don't see the point in telling anyone how I'm feeling because I don't think they can offer me anything that I don't already have in place or that would help. I'm going to the gym with a support assistant in an hour so I might try to talk to her a bit but she'll probably just want to distract me. I really don't want to continue going on like this.

one_step_closer 15-08-2017 07:03 PM

I actually just can't do this. The support assistant didn't turn up and no one answered when I phoned the office. My brother is struggling and I can't bear to think of him feeling anything close to what I go through but that might be exactly what he's going through. I don't even know if it's safe to post here because my brother has read my posts in the past, not sure if I had changed my username at that point or not. I can't deal with this crap every single day. All I can think about doing right now to get some relief is overdosing but I probably can't physically do it!!! Nothing is going to make life better. I am more than tired of this, I have had enough of the struggle.

Zurg 15-08-2017 07:35 PM

I know it's easy for me to sit behind a screen, comfortable in my own home, and say this but i really do believe that things can get better. I have never met anyone, on here or in real life, whom i found to be a hopeless case. I believe everyone can be helped, it's just a matter of finding the right kind of person(s) and the right kind of help.

I do believe you can be helped, Lindsay. But i also know that when someone stays ill for a long time and don't improve much then the systems put in place to help just tend to give up. Which is a damn shame because that is actually when they should be persistent. I know you probably don't have much fight left in you but if it is in any way possible i think you should bring someone who knows you well along to your next appointment with your cpn/therapist/whatever. Because, at least i've found this out due to personal experience, sometimes an angry relative or friend is all that is needed to open some doors that have stayed closed for way too long.

I brought a friend along for one of my last appointments with my cpn. Like you, i felt defeated and hopeless and like the system had given up on me. But my friend spoke out for me and suddenly things became possible that had otherwise been impossible when i asked about them myself. Sometimes we need someone who can be assertive when we can't do it ourselves. And sometimes they will actually listen when someone else speaks up.

I know it is hard and i know it would be easier to give up but you've fought to stay alive for so long and it would be such a waste of life annd fight and potential to give up now. I also don't think you are weak for not self hamring. It takes strength and guts to abstain from it when you feel so hopeless, so kudos to you for that!!!! It's really very admirable.

If anything was possible, what would you like your life to be like???? How would your daily routine be like??? What would be the most important things in your every day life????
Maybe we can help you to achieve some of that.

one_step_closer 15-08-2017 08:49 PM

Thanks for your reply Kat.

I don't have anyone who can come to an appointment with me, my brother is the only living relative who 'knows' me but I don't tell him much about what I'm going through. I have one close-ish friend but she's not very supportive. My psychologist was very good for being on my side and trying to get me help but my sessions with him have ended and I've to wait at least 3 months before I can possibly be referred to psychology again. He said he'd write a report and would include my proposal for admission to hospital every 2 months and if this is not agreed on he wants the team to be very clear about why it's not possible. I do think that having regular short admissions could provide me with respite but I can see me having to fight for it and probably not allowed it. Plus there are always going to be times in between where I find it hard to cope at home and I'll have to stay at home.

I actually just don't have a clue what things would look like if they were better. There's nothing bad about my life just my illnesses making me feel awful the majority of the time. This chronic emotional pain is hard to deal with. I don't like not having much to do with my days but I also hate having lots to do and don't know how I'd cope with work. It's not easy to quit a job quickly if it isn't working out and I quit most of the things I try because I can't cope. I'm quite weak when it comes to dealing with anxiety and I avoid almost everything that might cause me to be anxious. I feel like I want more people in my life but at the same time it's so draining to be around people. I hate being alive but I'd settle for this if my brother was ok, I struggle a lot to deal with how he might be feeling, especially as I know some of it has to do with how I have treated him. I can't imagine really what he's going through because my emotions are so extreme and I don't know what it's like to have a milder version of these emotions. I worry so much that he actually feels bad things to the extent that I do.

I went out to buy something to overdose on but the local shops didn't have anything I felt confident that I could swallow so I ended up just buying sweets. I'd rather be full of tablets right now than sweets. If I can find the courage I will phone my CPN tomorrow but I'm pretty sure she won't be able to offer me anything.

Zurg 16-08-2017 08:08 PM

I happen to know that here in Denmark we have it so that the most chronically ill patients can have a sort of open admission, whic means that they can refer themselves for a shorter admisison and the wards are required to keep a room open to them. I am not sure how it works at your place, but i think the admissions would be worth fighting a little for, especially if they were backed up by your psychologist. I know a lot of professionals worry about becoming dependent on services such as psychiatric admissions butin your case i actually don't see them hindering you but as you say, they give you some respite from your symptoms.

i know being around people can be draining. i was just wondering whether there might be any activities you could participate in during the week, which would be chosen by you and which would allow space to withdraw when interaction became too much??? Sometimes the psychiatric system offers a variety of activities but i am unsure how keen you'd be on participating in something like that. Alternatively there might be something like evening classes, which also sometimes offer classes during the day time.

finding a balance between too much and too little is hard. I struggle with it myself. AT the moment i am only signed up for one thing during the week as that is enough right now. Just wanted to say that if you take on too many things it is totally ok to drop some of them but maybe just keep one.

I also think when you spend a lot of time alone then the symptoms can be experienced as stronger. I am not trying to push you into social interaction that you don't feel comfortable with but i just think you could benefit from having some people in your life whom you could spend some time with, also to get some respite from your symptoms. Feel free to tell me to shut up if i am wrong but i suspect loneliness might also be a factor in you feeling so hopeless...???

If they will re-refer you to the psychologist then i also think that is worth holding on for.

Sweets are still better than pills however much it doesn't feel like it right now.

one_step_closer 16-08-2017 08:20 PM

Thanks for your continued support.

My current psychiatrist is quite anti every kind of treatment for BPD, he's working in the hospital this week so isn't in the health centre where my CPN works so she won't be able to talk to him about the possible admission plan until at least next week. It's hard not knowing where I'm at with things. I didn't phone my CPN today, I stayed in bed late then went somewhere on the train and then it was after my CPN finished. I could phone the crisis team but don't really find them helpful. Nothing is helping. I have bought tablets but don't know if I will be able to swallow them or not or even if I'll be brave enough to attempt to swallow them.

There are some groups that I used to go to but haven't been able to make it out of bed on time for them for a while. I don't have enough motivation to go to them because I'm not really interested in anything and I'm basically just crap at getting out of bed at a reasonable time.

Sketchy 18-08-2017 11:18 PM

I'm also crap at getting out of bed at a reasonable time. Could you make plans around that? Like plan something for late afternoon?

How do you feel about giving the pills away? Are you safe? I know crisis can be useless at times, but maybe you'll speak to someone helpful if you phone.

one_step_closer 19-08-2017 09:59 PM

I ended up overdosing on Wednesday night and had to get treatment. Got home yesterday afternoon. Spent a lot of today catching up with sleep because I didn't get much if any sleep while I was in hospital. I don't know if I'm going to be allowed to see my CPN on Monday because when I started my new management plan my psychiatrist said if I end up in A&E between CPN appointments I miss out on my next one. I need support not punishment.

Sketchy 19-08-2017 10:09 PM

That sounds unfair of your psych. I hope you get to see your cpn, because you need support right now.

Are you safe just now? I'm sorry things are so bad. I wish there was something helpful I could say. Try taking it easy and catch up on rest.

Buttons. 20-08-2017 08:16 AM

Your psych sounds ridiculous. As others have said you need support not punishment. I understand the concept of not 'rewarding' behaviours but ffs if all people who were harming themselves needed/wanted was attention we'd have solved the problem by now. There are so many complex reasons why people harm themselves and ignorant psychs like that don't bother to take the time to understand that complexity, especially with a label like BPD slapped on.

I so hope you get the help you need because you more than deserve it, I've seen how much you have put into helping people over the years and you deserve the same kindness and understanding you give others.

one_step_closer 20-08-2017 07:07 PM

Thanks everyone.

Camden, I know what you mean, no worries.

I'm safe but sick of being safe. I want to give up on everything. I've slept more than usual since getting home and I'm trying to think that I'm just catching up on the sleep I missed out on and it will settle soon but I generally have a really bad sleeping pattern and it gets me down. I must just be really lazy because I can't stand the feeling of being tired so usually stay in bed until I mostly feel awake which is in the late morning or early afternoon.

I get that self harming behaviours shouldn't be 'rewarded' but I don't see that getting support with difficult emotions that have led to self harm is really a reward. It's a basic need. I think that with any diagnosis other than BPD this wouldn't be seen as rewarding negative behaviours. If my CPN phones tomorrow and says I've not to attend my appointment I'm going to make sure I don't even talk about things on the phone with her because I don't want to be breaking some kind of treatment rule by getting support. I got medical attention, not emotional support, after overdosing and I didn't have much of a choice but to get that medical attention because I could have been seriously harmed or dead if I hadn't so I feel like I shouldn't be punished because of an outcome that had to be taken.

I really don't see anything ever getting any better for me. I'd rather go back to constant self destructive behaviours but as I have said I can rarely physically do it now. Nothing feels good.

Buttons. 20-08-2017 08:15 PM

I'm sorry I'm out of words right now but love hugs and all that <3

one_step_closer 20-08-2017 08:25 PM

Thank you Katy.

Sketchy 20-08-2017 08:28 PM

Wish I could say something helpful, but I am thinking of you. I hope you get to speak to your cpn. Take care.

one_step_closer 21-08-2017 04:49 PM

Thanks. I was allowed to see my CPN and was worried that she was angry with me but she said she wasn't and that no one is angry. I said that I don't want to do this any more and that nothing is going to help and she said she'll speak to my psychiatrist to see what they can offer me because she thinks things will get better, but I don't think there's anything else that can be offered to me. My CPN thinks I'm doing well by going out for a short walk most days and I'm meeting someone about volunteering on Wednesday but none of this feels like an achievement to me. Everything hurts so much.

Sketchy 23-08-2017 08:58 PM

I'm glad you got to see your cpn and I hope her and your psychiatrist come up with a plan to help.
When we feel like this, getting out for a short walk is a huge achievement. Give yourself credit for it. I hope the meeting about volunteering goes well. That's something I want to look into doing, so I wish you the best of luck.

How are you feeling today?

one_step_closer 23-08-2017 09:24 PM

Thank you.

I just don't think there is anything more that can be offered to me. My psychiatrist is against a lot of treatments for me (and others) because I have BPD. I'm worried that he will say an outright no to regular psych ward admissions because I overdosed. Admissions are the only thing that I have found briefly helpful although I did appreciate seeing my psychologist and I wish our sessions hadn't ended. I feel like things are really hopeless and I've only been managing to hold on this past year because for a lot of the time I've been in hospital.

I went to see the man about volunteering, he seemed nice and like the organisation will be supportive of me. Something came up that I had to disclose my mental health problems but it didn't put him off.

I so badly need to talk to someone but I don't even know what I'd say. My psychologist was good at hearing me and helping me talk.

Sketchy 23-08-2017 09:43 PM

I hope your team come up with something. Keep talking to them.

That's good about the volunteering. Hopefully you will end up doing something good.

Would writing things down help? Sometimes writing is easier than talking. Remember there is alway the samaritans and breathing space if you need to talk.

one_step_closer 23-08-2017 09:49 PM

I write every day, just like a diary. It does help but I feel like I need some kind of communication. I'm not very good at phoning helplines and the Samaritans don't reply to my emails any more. Support from my CPN once a week or once a fortnight isn't going to be enough for me I don't think. I see a support worker too every couple of weeks but I don't feel able to talk to her.

The volunteering would be befriending an older adult. I think it will be ok as long as I get on well with the person.

Sketchy 23-08-2017 09:59 PM

That's good that writing helps. Could you tell your cpn that you need someone to talk to? Maybe she can come up with a plan. Keep writing and posting here too. I may not always have good advice, but I will listen.

one_step_closer 23-08-2017 10:17 PM

I get to talk to my CPN when I see her but it's often only for 15 minutes and I don't know what to say. I find psychology helps me to navigate through what I want to talk about but I'm not allowed to be re-referred for 3 months if at all.

Sketchy 23-08-2017 10:21 PM

That's a shame. Maybe in 3 months you could ask, although I don't know what would help just now.

one_step_closer 25-08-2017 08:54 PM

I'm feeling so utterly crap. I want to self harm badly but I don't seem to be able to do it 'well enough' any more. I need controlled physical pain and I need a lot of damage. It's raining right now and I can hear it on the window, it's the kind of rain that triggers me to go and jump off a bridge. The bridge I know of where people have killed themselves is hard to get to at night though. It would involve driving there and the parking place next to the bridge is hard to see in the dark. I don't want to save myself any more. I'm tired of holding on. I need to do something big but what? I don't feel able to phone the voluntary crisis team. I need to act, I need to destroy myself.

one_step_closer 26-08-2017 09:07 PM

I can't do this any more, I don't want to. Everything hurts so much and I am painfully aware of it. I am on my own because I don't have enough words to explain things in a telephone conversation. I'm sick of waking up to short days filled with nothing but battling to get through.

one_step_closer 26-08-2017 09:27 PM

Oh God I do not know what to do. This will be the longest time I've spent out of hospital in the past year, I was in for a few days at the end of last month but usually I would have been in for at least a month. Don't know if I'm allowed planned admissions every couple of months as I'm still waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist but I can't keep running to hospital every time things get too much. I can't cope outside of hospital. There are too many exceptions from me and from other people and everything hurts. I'm never going to get out of this pain alive.

Sketchy 26-08-2017 09:49 PM

I'm sorry things are this bad. Are you safe? Is there anything that you think would help you just now?

one_step_closer 26-08-2017 09:54 PM

I'm most likely safe, only because my body can't take enough tablets or cope with physical pain enough to cut deep enough. I need the ability to self destruct. I can't go out in case I try to kill myself and get it wrong and then that will mess up everything further. No one cares because I'm probably safe. No one will offer me immediate help. I'll be in bed soon anyway, just lying there awake into the morning and then I won't get up till the afternoon. Same old crap.

Sketchy 26-08-2017 10:04 PM

I hope you get some sleep. Could you phone your cpn soon? Might be a good idea. Just to keep her updated. I know it feels like it doesn't help, but it's best to keep reaching out. Perhaps there is something that will help that you haven't tried. Or what about crisis?

one_step_closer 26-08-2017 10:43 PM

Thanks. I'm seeing my CPN on Monday anyway, I just feel so hopeless because I don't think that anyone or anything can help me. I can't even think of anything that I could try. I can barely focus on anything to stay distracted either, all the TV shows and Netflix shows I watch are piling up because I can't be bothered watching anything. I'm pathetic, I'm out of bed for about 9/10 hours a day and I can't stand myself. I might phone crisis tomorrow if I can find the courage and the words.

Sketchy 26-08-2017 10:49 PM

You are not pathetic. I promise. Why don't you write down what you'd like to say before phoning crisis. It might make it easier.


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