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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

nonperson 05-01-2018 05:36 PM

Rather than telling her you can't look after the cat any more, maybe you should suggest that the cat needs more proper care? Then it takes the pressure off you because it's for the well-being of her pet and you won't be judged negatively.

How long has she been in hospital? How much time do you spend with the cat each day? I really think that the cat needs full time foster care! It won't be doing it good to be left alone for so long.....

one_step_closer 05-01-2018 07:06 PM

I have told her that he definitely needs more company. She was saying for a while that she would sort out getting him to the vet for his boosters and then get him into a cattery or fostering but it never happened. I am concerned about the time her cat is on his own, he's very vocal when I go to see him and he's usually quite quiet. I feel guilty because I can barely stand to be there for long. My friend is maybe going to be in hospital for the next 5 months or so, so something will need to get sorted.

one_step_closer 06-01-2018 05:42 PM

I don't know how to be content in life. I think a good life has a lot to do with the people you have in your life but I'm not great socially and get drained easily. I have good relationships with the people involved in my treatment (the ones who treat me with respect and don't judge so much) but it's easier with them because I don't have to hide so much or spend so much time with them. I know I am lucky I have my brother but I worry about him the majority of the time which makes our relationship difficult. A good life also has to do with purpose and I have very little purpose and can't think of anything that I'd really like to do so I'll end up being stuck with a job that makes me stressed and unhappy. All I have done so far is hurt people. I try to tell myself that suicide can't be an option because it could go wrong so instead I should be focusing on ways to make living feel better but I feel so hopeless and don't think I can improve anything.

one_step_closer 06-01-2018 06:06 PM

Sorry for posting again. I can't cope with any pressure, how am I supposed to survive in an adult world? My friend whose cat I'm looking after has asked me to hoover her hall and living room and said she might get a pass home next week so I'm stressed about keeping everything tidy for her. She asked if she could phone me but I couldn't deal with it so told her I was too anxious and she said it's hard to talk through text when she's worried about her flat. I said we could try and arrange to meet up next week if she wanted and she said she could get a pass and we'll meet half way between home and the hospital so it looks like she isn't going to come to her flat to take some responsibility soon. Who knows though, she changes her mind so much she'll end up being in the flat when I go there one morning and she'll be angry that I'm not there as early as she wants me to be there for the cat and she'll be disappointed that her flat isn't as clean as she wants it. This is so stressful. It's adding to my suicidal feelings but that's not a big deal because I'm easily triggered. I can't do adult life.

Sketchy 06-01-2018 08:21 PM

Your friend is putting a lot of pressure on you and it’s not fair on you. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to talk to her about it. You are important too and you have to think about your own health. Maybe suggest to her that she gets someone else to help.

milomushi 06-01-2018 08:29 PM

I understand that it is probably hard for you to confront her. Is there someone else who might be able to help you, or maybe you could write out what you want to say and read it to her on the phone or text her.

one_step_closer 06-01-2018 08:35 PM

Thank you both. I feel like I should be able to deal with this, it's a simple thing going to someone's flat twice a day and because I have cats myself it's not like I'm doing something I'm not familiar with. I am an adult and I should just push myself. I don't want to bring this up with anyone because I'm pretty sure they will think I can cope ok, that I need to be an adult. It's hard to get anyone to understand how much I struggle with things. Everyone wants me to move forward but it's so overwhelming even doing this small thing. I can't explain it well enough and my treatment team will think I'm just being lazy or something. I'll try and speak to my CPN when I see her next week.

Aubergine 06-01-2018 09:00 PM

I think different people can cope with different things, even as adults. I couldn't feed my friend's cat for two days when she was away for the weekend because the thought of it stressed me out too much. She live 1 minute round the corner, only has one cat, and I know her really well. I agreed to it, but had to find someone to replace me because I just couldn't get myself to do it. I find tidying overwhelming and often have to get my Mum to help me clean the flat, and I can't go to the supermarket on my own. I can't socialise with groups of people, even avoid family get togethers. It would make most people think I couldn't cope with anything if I told them these things, but I manage 16 hours a week in a demanding job and I have a good social life with wonderful friends (they just know I do 1:1!)


I know I've just spoken about me a lot! Just wanted to let you know that not being able to deal with one, two or more things, doesn't mean that you're not able to deal with other things. It's just about finding what suits you.


I agree that you need to tell your friend that you need some help caring for her cat, and that her asking you to do housework for her is too much. If you don't feel that you can approach her, could you phone the ward she's on and ask one of the staff to talk to her about it? Friends don't put this much pressure on people. It's really not fair.

Sketchy 06-01-2018 10:33 PM

You are not lazy. Having mental health problems can make tasks that others find easy difficult. And that’s ok. Sometimes you have to step back and take care of yourself. Try not to compare yourself to others. They aren’t dealing with what you are.

one_step_closer 07-01-2018 12:10 PM

Thank you. I don't know if I'm going to be allowed to find what suits me in life, people have to work etc and lots of people are unhappy in their jobs and I can imagine that happening with me. I feel very restricted with what I can do because of my mental health but some people just see that I have been to uni and think that means I should be able to cope with work.

I don't feel able to tell my friend that things are becoming difficult. I try to find the courage but then she texts me something that puts me off. I can't talk to anyone involved in her treatment because she'll see that as going behind her back and also I think the nurses will just think that I'm a terrible person for not being a good enough friend.

Sketchy 07-01-2018 01:09 PM

You are being a fantastic friend. I hope you find a way to resolve this.

Just because you have been to uni doesn’t mean you are well enough to work now. Things change. I have a degree too, and I have worked, but things changed for me and I’m now unable to work at the moment. Focus on the now.

MunchBox 08-01-2018 03:24 PM

Lorraine's right, you're being a fantastic friend but everyone has there limits.

one_step_closer 08-01-2018 04:58 PM

Thank you both. My day always starts off with a huge amount of dread and anxiety because I know I have to go out to see to the cat and it seems like a huge task. It's not as bad as I imagine when I get there but it's hard to leave my house twice a day and have so much responsibility. I need to talk to my friend on the phone because it's not fair that I keep telling her I can only text, she needs some reassurance that her cat and flat are ok. I honestly just avoid everything that gives me any sense of discomfort as much as I possibly can. I get extra anxious because I don't feel safe driving in this weather. I'm really selfish in that I avoid as many stressors as possible. Life is uncomfortable and I have to learn to deal with it. It makes me more suicidal to think of what might change in the near future that will add more anxiety to my life that I don't want to feel. Do I think I'm someone special who doesn't need to go through adult issues?

I had a thought today that I might be ok working in admin/data entry. I had a lot online and then thought I'd be interested in medical admin because I like medical stuff but don't think I could be a healthcare professional. I don't want to go back into education though, I only have admin as a Higher. I know some places do training on the job but the NHS requires experience. I can't volunteer because organisations will want someone who knows what they're doing rather than having to be told. I can't do this anyway. I ran out of motivation very quickly, not that there was much to begin with. The only thing I really want to do is destroy myself physically. I want to go back to bad self harm times. I want to act on my suicidal impulses. I'm such a terrible person.

Aubergine 08-01-2018 06:37 PM

Someone once said to me that managing a severe mental health condition is like having a full-time job, and I think that they were right. I know what you're saying about thinking you're someone special who doesn't need to go through adult issues, but honestly, I think that's a very critical way of looking at yourself that is unnecessarily cruel. You ARE going through adult issues. Mental health stuff is very adult indeed, and when you have to mange it every day, mostly by yourself, then it's completely understandable that the thought of anything else would seem to much. You deserve to be a whole lot kinder to yourself.

It's OK not to be able to work. It feels rubbish, I know, but it's not a personal failing or anything, and it doesn't make you a terrible person. Admin volunteering positions are often entry level and don't require any experience, as places that need volunteers recognise that some people that volunteer and not going to be able to have worked/work, and so won't have any previous exposure to such a role, which means you could likely find something if that's what you really wanted to do. That said, it's OK not to volunteer if that's too much. A hobby could be something to consider. Taking up an instrument or doing an online course just for fun, that you wouldn't have to complete if you didn't want to, but could if it engaged you and you enjoyed it (Futurelearn has lots of free, interesting courses and there are other websites around). I guess I'm just concerned that you have a lot of time to think about self harm and suicidal impulses, and no real way to distract yourself. That must be really hard.

one_step_closer 08-01-2018 07:29 PM

Thanks. I don't get a lot of enjoyment from things so I worry about taking on something else and having to cope with the additional pressure without any benefits. Life is hard right now but I can only imagine it getting harder with things added to my life. My psychiatrist is quite harsh and pushy and I don't think he'll see that I'm struggling, he'll focus on the fact that I have been out of hospital for a few months now and seem more stable, and he'll want me to get a job. My treatment team are very fixated on my 'intelligence' and what I should be doing with it. I actually think I would choose to go back to being better at self harm and acting on impulses more rather than going forward as other people see it with additional pressures. I know I probably need to find something else in life though because I can't self harm to the extent that I want to any more.

I've just been to my friend's flat and found that she had been there today. I text her asking if she had been there and she just told me to leave the lights on at night and open the curtains in the morning. She had poured the bottled water away that I had bought as she specifically told me to give the cat bottled water not tap water because she said it was too cold. She didn't thank me for anything that I have done just told me that I need to put less cat litter in his tray and that I should keep looking after him for now but she needs to get her keys off me at some point.

I feel so suicidal but trapped in life. If only I could swallow enough meds.

Sketchy 08-01-2018 07:41 PM

I’m so sorry you are struggling. I know things are hard and I’m thinking of you.

It sounds like your friend is being too fussy and it must feel like she isn’t acknowledging all you are doing for her. You are doing so much for her.

Is there anything you can do at home that will make you feel good? For me that is things like bubble baths, wearing my favourite onesie, putting on my favourite dvds and making my favourite food. I know doing these things doesn’t completely make the pain stop, but it can be a mood booster.

one_step_closer 08-01-2018 08:05 PM

Thank you. My best coping strategy is talking to someone but I don't think I can tonight. I've washed my hair anyway so that at least stops me from going outside while I'm waiting on it drying and then I will probably go to bed when it's dry. It kind of sounds a bit pathetic that something as simple as that can keep me from doing something risky outside. I must not be seriously hurting. I've got nothing small enough for me to overdose on so that's out the window too. My body is protesting against the physical methods I get some relief from. I need to find something new, I know, but I really crave the self destruction I used to be able to have.

Sketchy 08-01-2018 08:10 PM

It doesn’t sound pathetic, but I am glad it keeps you safe. Maybe it’s something your can use whenever you feel unsafe to try keep you safe.

I hope you sleep well. Sometimes I just go to bed to try ride it out.

one_step_closer 08-01-2018 08:14 PM

I don't want to be safe though. I'm tired of this. I know I probably just sound like I'm not trying to help myself or something or it may seem like I make up what I go through or something because I'm suicidal a lot. People on another forum a few years ago said that they think I just like attention and that I was draining the community which was upsetting. I don't mean to be a bad person. I am just hurting so much.

Sketchy 08-01-2018 08:56 PM

That was unfair of the person from that forum to say that. This is a place where you can be honest and tell us what you are feeling and going through. We may not always be able to help, but we can listen. Keep talking.


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