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nonperson 31-12-2017 08:22 PM


Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4149281)
What would even be lost for the world if I was dead? The answer is not much.

You would be lost. You're a valid human being and deserve to be alive! Every single person in this world is important - you just can't see your value


Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4149281)
Chester is dead. I can't get relief from music. I hear his voice and think about how he doesn't exist any more.

I also think this... but his music has even more meaning to it now.

There is a lot of other music out there if you can't listen to him any more.

one_step_closer 31-12-2017 08:46 PM

I don't want to do this. I probably look like a stubborn attention seeking idiot who won't do anything to help herself. I feel really hopeless about everything. There is no point. I phoned crisis but couldn't bring myself to talk. I need to at least withdraw from everyone and imagine myself out of existence until I can get rid of my physical body. So low.

Sketchy 31-12-2017 09:58 PM

Could you try phoning crisis again? I know it’s hard, but they are there to help you. Would writing it down make it easier?

Zurg 01-01-2018 07:18 PM

I can understand why it is hard to not see self destruction as a valid solution to problems. I struggle with this myself. The thing is that something has to change because you are not happy. I sometimes ask myself when i get scared of trying someting if it can possibly gte any worse than it already is. The answer is often, surprisingly, no, it can't really get any worse.

If appointments and phonecalls and stuff fall through and get cancelled then your cpn or support worker (sorry, i can't remember if you have one) should really step up their game and help you with that. I did voulnteer work for a while and found it boosted my self esteem enough to try other things. I worked in a pet shop where i fed the rodents and bunnies and cleaned the fish tanks. There wasn't much interaction with the full time staff which was perfect for me what with being quite weird and socially awkward, heh.

Anyways, it easy to imgaine all sorts of nightmares and to catastrophise every attempt at changing your life. However, the reality is nowhere near as bad as all the scenarios you can make up in your head. You find something, try it out while explaining that you can't commit right away and then you see if it is somehting you like. And if it's not, then on to the next adventure!!!!!

Lindsay, most places people will be used to all sorts of people coming through. Even if things won't work out i can guarantee you that you will not be the most terrible person they have encountered. And trying something out only for you to find it it isn,t for you is a completely ok thing to do.

one_step_closer 01-01-2018 08:14 PM

Thank you both. I do think that whatever I try in my life will make it worse, I can barely breathe emotionally as it is and I fear being suffocated by life pressures. I know I need to be taking small steps while I am allowed this opportunity, I worry a lot that someone will decide that I have to come off benefits and get a job before I'm ready and I don't have the chance to build up to work.

I just really don't want to live any more. I've already done all my looking after other people and education and stuff, I don't want any more of that (I hope that doesn't sound horrible as I do care about people). I've done my fair share of parenting when I was a child and a teenager and a younger adult. Nothing in life is fulfilling. Life isn't fulfilling for a lot of people so why should my life be any different? I can't cope with anything. I just need this to end. I'm trying not to do anything too publicly risky as I've already caused enough trauma and mess to the world.

one_step_closer 02-01-2018 12:53 PM

I think the only solution is to kill myself. But I can't find the brain energy required to really think about a foolproof plan. I can't keep feeling this way, I can't tolerate it. I need to die. Everything is far too much for me to cope with and I barely have anything to cope with. I don't see an answer other than death. I have to find the focus to get it right.

Sketchy 02-01-2018 01:28 PM

Try phoning crisis please. It’s important you stay safe. There is help out there. Keep talking to us.

one_step_closer 02-01-2018 04:00 PM

I don't want to stay safe though. Every day confirms more and more that life is too much for me. I keep reading that most suicide attempts are unsuccessful and can lead to injury and that puts me off but I don't want to feel so bad any more. There is no other way out. The crisis team don't start till 5pm and they're usually busy out on visits until at least 6.30pm. I really want whatever power it takes to kill myself, no one can help me deal with life and I can't do it myself.

Sketchy 02-01-2018 04:07 PM

Phone crisis as soon as they start. Or phone the cmht now and ask to speak to the duty person. You need and deserve help. Please reach out.

tamobhuuta 02-01-2018 08:36 PM

How are you getting on? I hope you are safe.

one_step_closer 03-01-2018 08:03 PM

Thank you both. I am trying to remember that most suicide attempts are unsuccessful in an effort to stay safe because I'd rather not get it wrong and become physically unwell for potentially a lifetime. I feel trapped if I can't get out of life through suicide. I know when I get to another impulsive place it will be harder to ignore the suicidal feelings, maybe then I will get suicide right. Whatever happens I need to stay away from medical professionals (minus the mental health professionals) because there's lots of news stories about how the A&Es and GP practices in my local area are so overwhelmed with patients right now. I really want to do something risky though. I need to put myself in a dangerous situation and it doesn't even really matter that I wouldn't be able to get help. I need to act. I don't know if I have the power to do anything really bad though.

My support worker and support assistant are coming out tomorrow to finish off reviewing my plan where it will probably be decided that I have to go to the gym group. We didn't finish some of it before because my support worker asked me to think about what my next steps should be and all I could think of was to die so he gave me a bit of time to consider things. I haven't thought of anything. I don't think I'm going to be able to explain to anyone how bad I'm feeling. I can't even be bothered trying to write something because I'm tired and lacking in motivation. Everything is a struggle.

Sketchy 04-01-2018 03:06 PM

I hear you. I’m sorry things are so hard. I hope you can stay safe. Have you managed to phone crisis or cmht?

one_step_closer 04-01-2018 03:12 PM

Thanks. I had my appointment with my support worker and support assistant today so held on for that. They pulled up outside my house and I started crying before I even opened the door because I was thinking about how two really nice people are making time for me when I don't even deserve it.

It was such a struggle to get out of bed this morning. I've been managing to get up in the late morning because I have to see to my friend's cat but I was in and out of bed a lot before I got up this morning. The responsibility of looking after her cat and cleaning her flat is getting to me a bit. It's quite stressful leaving the house twice a day to go there.

My support worker asked me what my CPN is doing for me because I'm suicidal and I've said that I've had enough of life the past three times my support worker has done my review. A view has been passed down some professionals that when I'm suicidal 'that's just Lindsay' and nothing needs to be done about it. That's a bit upsetting, but it's probably true that nothing can be done.

Sketchy 04-01-2018 03:29 PM

Well done on making it out of bed. I know that’s hard. It’s kind of you to look after your friend’s cat. It’s ok to look after yourself too.

Having professionals think that must be awful. Maybe you can talk about it with them. Can you discuss it with your new cpn?

one_step_closer 04-01-2018 03:52 PM

My friend has text me asking me to go to her flat 3 times a day. I said I can try but I'm finding it stressful and anxiety provoking even going twice a day and she said 'I know you are just stay with it for a little longer he's left too long between feeds. I didn't choose this remember.' It's ok for her to pass on her responsibilities to me, I can't force myself to do any more than I am doing. She has all the support of the staff in the hospital and the security and safety of the hospital but I am really struggling to keep myself together and can't deal with more pressure. Things are getting on top of me and I at least hope they cause me to break soon and kill myself. One of my friends from school, is Fb messaging me asking me to meet up with him and stuff and I can barely even reply to his messages let alone meet up. I'm just so low and lacking in motivation. I also have a sore scalp from picking at it which is bugging me. All I do is moan about how crap things are.

I might try and mention things to my new CPN. She may not have the same attitude but I don't know. I can't get inside anyones mind to see what they truly think. Everyone probably hates me.

Sketchy 04-01-2018 04:39 PM

Everyone doesn’t hate you. I don’t hate you. You are well liked here I’m sure.

Is there someone else who can help your friend? She sounds very demanding.

I hope your new cpn can help you. Talk to her. Tell her what you have said here.

one_step_closer 04-01-2018 06:08 PM

Thanks. My friend's ex was going to her flat initially but then he went on a trip and it's been left solely to me now. He is back from his trip but I think he lives about a 15 minute drive away. I'm having to buy food for the cat and litter and cleaning products because she's expecting me to clean her kitchen and I don't even feel able to ask her if she can give me some money so I can get the things that the cat needs. I don't want to meet up with my friend anyway because she just upsets me, I don't even like texting her now. I dread when my phone makes a noise because I think it might be her.

My school friend asked me what I want to do before I die, since I was in a rubbish mood and told him I don't want anything in life except to die. I actually can't think of anything in life that I care about enough to want to experience. My support worker said I should keep reminding myself that most suicide attempts go wrong if that's what it takes to keep myself safe but it's not enough for me. I need some relief.

milomushi 05-01-2018 02:03 AM

I know that sometimes no matter what people say it is hard to believe them when they praise you and tell you that you matter. You have been immensely helpful in talking to me every day. I don't know what your education has been but when feeling a bit better you could continue to help others. I find that helping gives purpose and self esteem. I know that it must be difficult to feel in so much distress that you don't feel well enough to do much but I am glad that you are trying by taking care of your friend's cat. Keep talking, I hope that you feel better soon.

sherlock holmes 05-01-2018 12:25 PM

Sorry to be blunt but I think your friend is taking advantage of you- personally I think it's unreasonable to demand you to go there three times a day and clean as well as look after the cat. And not to give you any money to cover petrol, cat stuff, cleaning stuff etc. She might be unwell and in hospital but that's not an excuse to treat you like she is. I am sure you are classed as a vulnerable adult, she might be too, but it's not fair of her to give you added pressures when you're not well either.

There are charities who help look after people's pets when they go into hospital. I think she or her MH team who are looking after her need to look into that, or organising alternative people to look after the cat. I think you need to be firm and say you can't do it anymore. Maybe ring the ward and tell her named nurse if you think the conversation wont go well if you tell her.

one_step_closer 05-01-2018 04:09 PM

Thank you both. My friend probably is taking advantage of me, she does it a bit when she's well too. She said at one point that she had told a nurse that I was struggling but they wouldn't listen to her. The nurses obviously aren't really going to care about my wellbeing since I'm not their patient and I know that my friend and a lot of other people assume that I must be well because I'm not in hospital. As long as my friend has less pressure and has someone to look after her cat I don't think they're bothered. I think I would be judged negatively, by my friend and the hospital staff and my psychiatrist, if I was to say I can't do this any more. And I'm managing to get there twice a day anyway because I don't want her cat to suffer any more than it is so I'll be deemed capable. It worries me a lot that I'm finding it so hard to even just leave my house twice a day because I still believe that soon I'm going to be forced off benefits and into work and I don't know how I'd cope with that.

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