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one_step_closer 14-04-2019 05:51 PM

I've been feeling low most of the day again. I realise I'm very lucky that I don't have any huge responsibilities to attend to. I want to hurt myself but haven't so far and I know I'd be shit at it anyway. I need to find a method of self harm that I can do well enough.

Last night I was thinking about good things vs me. I know what good qualities are and I can see that I have some good qualities but I sort of separate them from me. I can't let go of feeling like I'm evil even though I contain lots of non-evil attributes.

I ache that people are kind to me but of course it hurts more when people are horrible to me and I don't want people to be horrible to me even though I feel like I deserve it. I am greedy and selfish and not brave enough to face what I deserve.

There are jumbles of thoughts and behaviours etc that I feel like they should be in tidy categories. The thoughts and behaviours are like patterns, repetition, controlled order, etc. I don't know if they just fit under the label of 'anxiety' or what. I need explanations. I have wondered about Aspergers but there's no one I feel comfortable mentioning it to.

Life is terrifying and I don't feel like a human. I need guidance from the men but everything I get from them these days is confusing, unclear, and minimal. I'm too tired to fully attempt to initiate communication.

There's no one I can talk to, nothing I can say, and nothing that will help me.

Stellata 14-04-2019 07:09 PM

I wish I could say something helpful.

tamobhuuta 14-04-2019 08:32 PM

Leaving love, which you do deserve.

one_step_closer 15-04-2019 01:25 PM

Thank you both.

I phoned the informal crisis team last night knowing that there was nothing they or anyone could do. I spoke to my old key worker and felt lower with every passing moment because it just confirmed that I was right about there being nothing that anyone can do. Now I will have to be alone because it's pointless phoning anyone and it's pointless using Breathing Space online chat too. It's scary that there is no relief.

I thought a lot about different forms of self harm and one that is less controllable by me and might end up completely messing me up but it's tempting. I do these kind of things in my dreams and they don't hurt but I know it would hurt in reality. There seems to be no solution to anything but I need to start taking bigger steps towards more serious self harm working up to suicide.

tamobhuuta 15-04-2019 02:26 PM

You don't need to work towards suicide, life can get better. I can't promise when but it can. I'm sorry you're suffering.

one_step_closer 15-04-2019 03:12 PM

There will never be a day when my brother is healthy and happy and content with life, so my life will never be ok either. I don't even want an ok life. I don't want life full stop.

tamobhuuta 15-04-2019 04:35 PM

Why can't that happen for your brother? Sorry for being dense.

nonperson 15-04-2019 05:43 PM

What do you think your brother would do if you killed yourself?

one_step_closer 15-04-2019 06:37 PM

My brother is just vulnerable and life hurts everyone. He has had so many traumas and doesn't have any support, he has low self esteem, and he's very obviously depressed and anxious.

I know things would be worse in a way for my brother if I killed myself, and I try hard to hold on for him. It's just that I'm so tired of this struggle and I am terrified of life and being trapped here.

nonperson 15-04-2019 07:27 PM

I understand, it is tiring but maybe focus on something positive to hold on to, rather than the negative. Your brother is struggling too but is probably better for having you around, is that a positive thing you could focus on?

Natsy2512 15-04-2019 07:37 PM

I would like to say something useful but I'll send u a hug instead. I really hope you find something positive in your life and I'm also sure your brother is better for having you with him.

one_step_closer 16-04-2019 01:29 PM

Thank you both. It's hard to hold onto any positives because of the negative feelings drowning me. I can see sort of positives but can't feel them.

I had an appointment with my CPN this morning. She said maybe she should try a different approach to how she has been treating me and instead of challenging my negative thoughts/behaviours she will recognise that I can make my own decisions and allow me to do so and accept things (even if it's self harm I choose). She said she has to justify continuing to work with me so goals are always going to be around to move towards. The thing is I really don't believe I can move forward and I don't want my support to end just because I can't achieve lots of stuff. I still need support but everything is always recovery focused and that's actually quite hard for me. I wish someone would be there for me without any expectations of what I should be doing. My CPN said she does think I have made progress and that she's not thinking of discharging me. I guess I am taking up resources that could be better used by someone else. I need to face up to that and let people discharge me. It just hurts to be on my own with things, my CPN is my anchor. There is nothing for people who are isolated and find personal relationships difficult.

I hate that life is full of moving forward pressure, and since I'm using services there is more of a focus on what I'm achieving or not achieving. I sound selfish and lazy, I know. I'm terrified of everything in life and my overwhelming emotions. I'm not equipped to be a human. I feel like my MH problems affect pretty much all aspects of my life but then I'm not psychotic etc so people think I have an easier time and I can control everything. My CPN said that since I don't always use self harm for pain or relief or to feel something etc, but that I just want to damage myself, then that's not my MH that is causing that. So, if I was mentally well I'd still want to cause myself damage? I totally understand that I have a lot of control over my behaviours but I feel like the impact of my mental health problems can sometimes be minimised by other people. I totally sound like I'm trying to say I am the most ill person ever, I'm not saying that, I'm sorry. Life is hard for all humans, I don't think I could deal with life even without MH problems. I am going to have to get on with suicide, just be brave, because I can't keep wasting resources but I also can't deal with life without professional support.

I'm going to be on my own with everything even more than I already am. There is too much pain inside of me.

one_step_closer 16-04-2019 03:58 PM

I'm feeling totally drained by compassion for other people right now, been crying for a while. I know I should now be compassionate towards myself but, nope. I am doing nothing to stop all the bad things that are happening in the world. There is so much heartache that I can't seem to prevent. I am sorry that everyone is hurting. I even just want to be able to let people know that I am sorry about their pain. I have the stress control class this evening so I hope I'll be able to hold things together for the friend I'm going with. I feel sad for the psychologist who is taking the class (my previous psychologist) because he won't have much time for himself this evening, but maybe he likes doing it. All these people who give to other people. So kind. So kind to me too even though I don't deserve it.

tamobhuuta 16-04-2019 04:01 PM

You are not responsible for saving the world! You do deserve happiness yourself though.

Natsy2512 16-04-2019 06:21 PM

I hope the class goes ok tonight. Compassion for other people is good but you have to have it for yourself too. It isn't your responsibility to take on everyone else's heartache and fix it. I wish I could do something to make things better for you.

one_step_closer 17-04-2019 07:01 PM

Thank you both.

I left mega early for the stress control class because I felt like I needed to get out. I was going to sit and read but it was busy and I was really anxious so I ended up sitting outside for about an hour. I felt more upset because it reminded me of school (it's at the leisure centre next to the school) and of wishing a teacher would pass and help me and of the parallels of wishing a nurse in hospital would talk to me. Waiting and no one comes. The psychologist taking the class (my previous psychologist) passed and said hi and I felt further upset because it was like I had been waiting for him too and wanted him to see I wasn't ok but he didn't. I couldn't focus much on the class. I felt like when the end came I was going to have to get on with suicide. I wanted to thank the two psychologists for doing the class during their evening so I said it at the end of the class. My previous psychologist said he loves doing it and he said he's incredibly fucking proud of me for coming because he knows it must be hard for me. I think he asked how I am and I said not great and he said 'yet you're here.' I stood there stupidly for a while before saying goodbye. I'm worried that he might have thought I expected a session from him. I was trying especially hard to be quick because it was the evening. I do wish he had noticed how low I am but I'm not his patient any more and it was the end of his working day. I walked home and cried a bit and thought about suicide and self harm and that I probably won't be able to achieve those things so I'm stuck with this pain.

I got home and decided to phone the informal crisis team really only thinking I could say hello and hear a human but not get much else from it. I hung up a couple of times but then managed to talk. The worker persevered with talking to me and it was more helpful than it has been recently. I was thinking about self harming but felt able not to after the call. I just made some repetitive humming noises.

I'm so tired of this fight.

Natsy2512 17-04-2019 07:29 PM

It's really good you went I can only imagine how hard it must have been. And I'm glad talking to the crisis team helped and you managed not to self harm. Constantly fighting is tough but you keep doing it which is the most important thing.

Stellata 17-04-2019 08:47 PM

Well done for phoning and for not self harming.

nonperson 17-04-2019 08:54 PM

You should be incredibly fucking proud of yourself as well. And if you aren't, then I am proud for you - for going to the class, talking to the person on the phone and also for not harming.

I also liked what Natsy said:


Originally Posted by Natsy2512 (Post 4217809)
Constantly fighting is tough but you keep doing it which is the most important thing.

one_step_closer 19-04-2019 06:50 PM

Thank you all.

Something was going on with one of the people at the gym group and the worker was talking to her lots and I felt upset at her suffering. I had an appointment with my support worker afterwards and she thinks I need to look after myself to help lessen the impact of my compassion for others. I told her about being suicidal. She thinks it's just because of my mood at the moment but low moods make up most of my days so that's not an important point. She said I can phone the CPNs who are on duty over the holiday weekend if I need to. I'm not seriously unwell so I probably shouldn't.

I don't want to be alive. There could be so much more for me to breathe through. I need someone. The men have been drilling into my ear today, but they're not telling me what to do. I want to properly hurt myself.

I need to decode the messages in my tinnitus. I have no idea how to do this or how to stop me subconsciously hearing whatever the messages are. It's scary and dangerous. I couldn't even try and damage my ears or something because tinnitus is a brain thing. Just die you idiot.

one_step_closer 20-04-2019 06:15 PM

I did lots of research about decoding tinnitus and stuff yesterday but didn't find any useful info. I probably need to die to stop the loop. I would consider phoning the informal crisis team to talk through things but when I was out earlier the two workers passed in a car and waved to me so I'd be worried that they might think I look fine and was just phoning because I had seen them. They're not going to give me the answers I need anyway.

Absolute terror of continuing to exist in whatever form I exist. How many more days?

one_step_closer 21-04-2019 05:10 PM

How am I supposed to exist with the truth of life hanging there? There are only so many distractions and that doesn't change anything. Nothing can be made better. The clock keeps on ticking and I continue to breathe. Stop.

Remember when people said there are always people out there who have it worse than you. How does that make things any better?

one_step_closer 22-04-2019 01:22 PM

When I last saw my CPN a staff member came into the health centre who I recognise from my past but I can't put a firm name to her. I'm really worried that she is the person from the assessment team at the hospital who absolutely despises me. I'm thinking it might be someone else but I can't be sure. It has been worrying me especially over the past few nights and I want to phone my CPN to ask who this person is, if I can even describe her, but it's not exactly important and I'm sure my CPN will be busy after the holiday weekend. I'm not sure if I seem childish or what, if I should just grow up and accept that some people will hate me. There is another person who has been working at the health centre for a while now who was on the assessment team at the hospital but I can't really remember him that well and that also scares me because I wonder what memories he has of me. My CPN did tell me that he remembers me and he thought I would never get out of the pattern of ending up in hospital, so he was surprised maybe by how I'm doing now.

I was in Tesco and went to the self service checkouts and there was an older man who looked like he needed some help but the staff member was doing some cleaning and didn't notice him. I was almost certain that he needed help yet I didn't help him. He eventually went to a till with a person at it, who wasn't there at first. I feel so guilty that I let him stand there feeling vulnerable. I can't change it now, I will now be holding onto this guilt for a long time. I also walked past an older man when I was coming home and he was taking some money out of his wallet and I thought 'what if I steal that man's money?' not in the way that I was considering doing it but I was afraid that even though I would hope to never do anything like that I might end up doing it anyway. It's not safe for me to be around people, it's not safe for me to be alive and polluting the world.

Why did I have to be born?

tamobhuuta 22-04-2019 02:01 PM

I'm glad you were born. I wish you didn't feel like this though.

nonperson 22-04-2019 02:48 PM

Having bad thoughts doesn't mean you're polluting the world. It's perfectly natural to have "what if"/"I should have done this/that/the other" thoughts and doesn't mean you're unsafe to be around. I'm sure the old man at the checkout was fine and I'm sure you wouldn't have ever stolen that man's money.

one_step_closer 22-04-2019 06:44 PM

Thank you both. I am more dangerous than you know.

Even hiding away from everyone wouldn't solve this because my mere existence produces poison. I am such a selfish wimp. Imagine being so dangerous and not doing anything about it. The right thing to do would be to kill myself and eliminate the evil yet I just sit here. I don't know if going back to self harming rituals would be effective any more because my self harming is causing me less damage and because the men don't tell me what to do much any more. I won't even kill myself to save so many people. I am disgusting. I probably won't even hide in the house because I need to get out for my own sanity. Selfish.

What is this life? Why is this life? Who are the people and who are imaginary? Why are we all so vulnerable? How the hell do I push myself to kill myself?!

nonperson 22-04-2019 07:48 PM

Why are you so dangerous? What sort of danger are you causing?

Everyone has the potential to be very dangerous. It's the choices that people make as to whether they actually are or aren't. And I don't think you are. You've never given me any reason to believe you are nothing but a very kind, sensitive and empathic person. I see no danger there.

Soft Kitty 25-04-2019 03:49 PM

I think you're brave and kind. I was thinking today about things I've experienced in mental health services and witnessed other people experience and honestly, some people have absolutely no place working in caring roles. It's not you, it really isn't. I know that doesn't help much because it's so bloody unjust regardless. You're a beautiful person and your existence is important and valuable.

one_step_closer 25-04-2019 07:00 PM

Thank you both.

I appear to be a kind person. (I am a kind person) but I have been evil since I was born and I hurt people without meaning to or wanting to. The men have made me aware of this for a long time and I know it's true because I see it happening around me. I did mention to my CPN at my last appointment that I recognise that I have good qualities and I do connect them to me but at the same time I can't let go of the belief that I'm fundamentally evil. I just hate myself so much. My CPN listed lots of words that she would use to describe an evil person (like cunning, cold, plotting, etc) and I let her say them all and said that describes me. Then she said what did I even say, and when I listed the words I was like no I'm not cunning no I'm not cold no I'm not plotting, etc. The specifics of evil don't fit me but the overarching word of evil does. I couldn't explain it to my CPN, I can't explain it to myself.

It is upsetting how some people in healthcare treat vulnerable people. Why is kindness and empathy and compassion so hard to show to someone who is suffering with their mental health? It seems like it's easier to do that with someone who has physical health problems but it should be the same.

I was really upset and worried and anxious near the end of the stress control class this week because the lady sitting in front of me got up and stood at the back of the room. I thought she might be distressed and I was getting myself worked up. At the end I heard her say that she had been sitting down all day and needed to stand up. So I was unnecessarily worried. I can't seem to stop it and I don't think I should stop it because she could have been distressed. If she was I likely wouldn't have done anything about it myself, and I know one of the psychologists kept looking at her so one of the facilitators would have made sure she was ok, but it's the fact of the pain that gets to me not a sense of my responsibility.

It's really sad that people might feel like I do. Like they are bad and don't deserve good things. That's not true for anyone other than me.

one_step_closer 27-04-2019 06:02 PM

I want to bash myself to death.

I want to do myself some proper damage. I want to be violent towards myself. I cut but of course it was shit. I need to properly beat myself up. I hate myself! I need to kill myself!!! Get the fuck on with it! This needs to stop going on and on and on and for that to happen I must take action but I fucking don't! I even just want to cut well and overdose. I hate this shit. I had mental illness expression/hospital/self harm dreams again. Some of it needs to translate into reality. I am so scared and upset at losing my self harming abilities. What am I going to do?

Please don't let me be trapped here.

one_step_closer 27-04-2019 06:44 PM

I phoned the informal crisis team but hung up despite someone good answering. I can't do this. What's the point? I can't allow myself to phone back because I will likely hang up again. Can't someone just push me over the edge, please? I don't want to keep fighting through these feelings. I need out of life.

Stellata 27-04-2019 07:13 PM

What are the feelings? I'm sorry that you feel so desperate and helpless.

one_step_closer 28-04-2019 06:34 PM

Thanks. I don't know, specific feelings words can be hard to find. But I do find myself describing things as intense, overwhelming, massive, mega, huge...all the big words. It's too much.

My key worker phoned today because I'm due a review and she's coming to do it next Sunday. She asked how I am and I said really not good and about being very suicidal. She asked if I wanted to talk about it but I said no I'd probably have no words. I can't communicate well enough.

I've got the dentist tomorrow. Something will have to be done about a filling that has fallen out. I might need to have the tooth taken out. I can't even properly look after my teeth. I don't check my body either. There is so much body surface to keep an eye on and internal things can't be seen. I am responsible for this physical bulk and the psychological stuff and how I affect other people. Too much, I can't have all this control. I shouldn't be the owner of a whole body and mind, I am too irresponsible and stupid and dangerous. Why did I have to be born? Because I was born I can now only escape through death and that's a huge thing to go through. There is no other option, I will have to die at some point. Why are we given this hell?

I want my twin. I want the men. I want a kind professional.

No one is going to let me just fight through life and try to maintain the ok periods, they are going to push me to 'move forward'. I don't want their definition of recovery.

Stellata 28-04-2019 07:04 PM

What is your definition of recovery?

I hear how things feel so much bigger than you can manage, overwhelming. I understand the sense of overwhelming responsibility and trying to keep track of everything, it just feels too much.

one_step_closer 29-04-2019 06:33 PM

Thanks. I don't think recovery is even a thing to me personally, it just feels like pressure. There's nothing I want out of life and nothing I feel like I could even achieve. I just want to be allowed to manage and to get support when I can't manage.

I had a really distressing sleep, a pattern of having a nightmare about fire and then waking up a bit then going back to the nightmare. I was consciously terrified and thought I'd have to do something further to prevent a fire, maybe have another home fire safety visit. In and out of my nightmares I wanted to get up and phone someone because I was distressed. I don't know if I should contact the fire service and see if the people will come out again because when they came before they said I'm very unlikely to have a house fire. We didn't get to plan escape routes though because I was anxious. I'm probably acting like a child and I should get over my fears. The fire fighters from my local station passed me on to their community safety advocates the last time I requested a safety visit because they kept phoning me and I was too anxious to answer the phone. I don't want to waste time but I have questions and concerns.

My whole day has been so difficult. I can't focus on much or decide what to do. It's not good for me not to be occupied. People say it's ok just to get through the day by napping or doing nothing much but it feels like a waste of time to me and I can feel myself worrying about wasting time when I'm sitting picking and squeezing my skin because I can't concentrate on anything. I want to be able to phone the informal crisis team and speak to someone good but I'm lacking in energy and bravery and spoken words.

I shouldn't take up professional time though. I shouldn't even try to phone any crisis service because they could be helping someone else. Someone who doesn't have as much support as me, someone who hasn't been taught self help strategies. I'm expected to be ok because I have these things. I need a person. I am only one person and there are only so many professionals, their time with me needs to be rationed. They aren't allowed to be a substitute for the family and friends I don't have. Imagine one professional allocating some of their time to me. It's huge. Focusing time on me and only me in that moment. I don't deserve it. A human. But I need people. I'm sorry. I am so lonely and can't confide in people who I have a personal relationship with. I wish I could pick up the phone and get in touch with someone and really be heard and supported. I am alone when I can't take action.

one_step_closer 14-05-2019 10:23 AM

Feeling so rubbish, in whatever form I exist. The past couple of nights have been extra bad sleep wise. The night before last night was just bad due to pain but last night I felt very mentally unwell, distressed and confused. I tried phoning Breathing Space a couple of times but hung up. I sat outside in my PJs after midnight and whatever reality that was it was cold but that was the only real thing about it. I was completely alone. I was agitated in bed most of the night. The cats are concrete, my brother is concrete, but nothing else really. I'm very low today. I had an appointment with a GP this morning for a medication review and I hoped I'd be able to also communicate how hard things are but I didn't manage to communicate it at all. Of course I'm not going to take up additional time and I was asked there for a med review that's all.

I came home and lay on the floor for a while. It's mostly safe in that position. I have a washing machine being delivered today so I have to at least communicate minimally. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but I won't be able to explain anything, and to get to tomorrow I'm going to have to go through another night. I want to self harm but I'm tired, it's tiring even to imagine what I could do to myself. I've stopped doing my knee exercises so my knees are painful. Why should I bother looking after myself? My eczema is a bit worse but I'm not looking after that either. I have been feeling physically ill for about a week now too. I'm lucky I don't have big responsibilities.

I'm glad I didn't speak to anyone last night because I'm sure I would have ended up at least having a psych assessment. It was all unreal and still is but these are concrete things - that I had a GP appointment and I am waiting for a washing machine delivery so I have to play by the rules of whatever reality this is. I feel like my MH is at rock bottom right now, if this even exists.

Protect, protect, protect. Stay silent.

tamobhuuta 14-05-2019 12:16 PM

*hugs* sorry you are struggling so much. I've forgotten, do you have a MH person?

one_step_closer 14-05-2019 01:47 PM

I have some MH people but can only talk to them during appointments, phone calls are a no and I'm not allowed to text or email anyone. I have an appointment with my CPN tomorrow.

tamobhuuta 14-05-2019 02:00 PM

That's frustrating. Have you been given any skills to use between appointments, to get you through the day?

one_step_closer 14-05-2019 02:04 PM

I'm pretty much beyond skills, if that makes any sense. I'll get through the day anyway. I'm too safe.

tamobhuuta 14-05-2019 02:06 PM

I know what you mean but I am very glad you're too safe.

one_step_closer 14-05-2019 05:59 PM

So tired.

I watched the Louis Theroux thing about Mums with MH problems yesterday, it selfishly made me upset that other people have people who notice when things are wrong with them and get them help. It's hard to reach out for myself.

My CPN is not going to hear me tomorrow.

Lie on the floor. It's always safer to be below stuff.

I am alone.

This is going to continue forever.

one_step_closer 15-05-2019 07:23 PM

I had a slightly better sleep last night, probably after exhausting myself with lack of sleep. I'm still really tired but it felt amazing to get some rest. I'm guessing tonight will be back to a difficult sleep. I'm dreading going to bed.

I didn't manage to communicate how hard things are right now, when I saw my CPN because of course she was focusing on all the practical things I have been doing. I told her about lying on the floor for safety from the floating shapes etc but she didn't ask about it. I think she thought I have been lying on the floor because I'm tired.

There's been lots of stuff online about people being discharged from MH services because of targets and there not really being an 'acceptance' any more that some people might need long term support and that it's ok to have long term support. Everyone is going to leave me.

one_step_closer 16-05-2019 03:56 PM


Went to gym group, did 2 minutes on the treadmill and then my brain completely gave up. Everything I tried to concentrate on my body wouldn't do the things so I just timed the group doing their circuits although I had to use my stopwatch because I didn't seem to understand what 45 seconds was. Even getting changed was confusing and I lost the code for the changing room which I usually always put in my pocket but it was gone before I even got into the gym. I was quiet and tapping stuff. A random person was talking to me and one of the other people from the group when we were at the bus station and on the bus and I pretty much said very minimal stuff, she must have thought I was a bitch.

My cats only get food and cuddles etc from me. I don't give them enough stimulation and I don't thoroughly check them for injuries etc. They would be better off with someone else but that doesn't seem like a thing that I could do because one of them is especially clingy with me. They should never have been brought into my life. I can't do any normal adult things. I am useless. I hope I can at least find the energy to self harm soon. The people left behind are hurt by suicide. Remember. Just you take on all the pain.

one_step_closer 16-05-2019 06:34 PM

There must be a way to 'die' without the process of dying, especially for someone who isn't fully human. I wish I could figure it out so I wasn't trapped here. The men rarely tell me things any more.

Slight dissociation.

The fire brigade people are coming out to see me tomorrow. I haven't prepared for their visit so I'll be wasting their time. I'm just a scared idiot anyway.

Going to a meeting thing tomorrow about a MH strategy which I also haven't prepared for and have nothing to say so I will be useless with that too.

Maybe it's time for dematerialising again. It seemed to work at least a little in hospital.

I wish someone would hear me but I can't reach out. And in what form do I actually exist anyway? Stop breathing.

I'm too tired to research this with the men. Pathetic.

Stellata 16-05-2019 07:07 PM

You do exist and aren't an idiot.

one_step_closer 17-05-2019 09:22 AM

Thank you.

I'm properly going to waste the fire peoples time today. I'm so sorry. I think it's too late to phone and cancel. I keep swearing at myself because I'm annoyed and anxious. This world doesn't need me and I can't deal with life so I need to be getting on with suicide. I don't want to face any more days.

one_step_closer 17-05-2019 11:57 AM

The fire people were lovely and insisted I wasn't wasting their time, despite them going over stuff they had already told me about and then they basically just had a general chat with me and even checked how I'm doing MH wise. I of course didn't go into detail about stuff, I know that's not their job. They said they don't want me to fight any fires or climb out of upstairs windows because if I go into a room and close the door it will keep the fire out for 20 minutes and if I phone 999 right away the fire brigade can be there in about 6 minutes. That is reassuring. I said I had got a fire blanket in case something happens like there is a fire outside the living room door and the cats are in the living room then maybe I could use the fire blanket to put out the fire at the door and get the cats. They said what do I think would cause a fire at the living room door? I never actually thought about that. They said any fire would likely be in the kitchen but again reiterated that I am highly unlikely to have a house fire. They said they could arrange to take me to the fire station to look around and/or watch some training happening. I'm not sure about that. It was so hard not to get upset about wasting their time and I was doing stupid movements and saying stupid things. I am such a freak.

I am so tired of battling through life. Life is too painful. I don't want to do this, any part of life.

one_step_closer 18-05-2019 06:22 PM

I wonder what people actually think of me. Like in the way I automatically react to things that upset me - tapping, repeating, making noises, clicking, screwing up my eyes, rocking, movements, etc. I do this mostly at home but also in appointments and sometimes when I'm in public generally. They are behaviours that I would probably be discouraged to do ever, by professionals. I'm sorry, I don't seem to be able to help it. But no one understands because it always comes back to - you're an adult, you have capacity, you understand psychology, you are intelligent, you function well, etc. I feel wrong. I am one big wrong.

I spend most of the time I'm home in the morning swearing at myself and bullying myself. I really hope my neighbours can't hear me and there are no recording devices in my house. I hate me and I don't want to keep facing day after day.

I only had 2 small things to do yesterday and the second one was a discussion thing about the new MH strategy that is being developed in my area so I was there for a bit over an hour. Slightly past the mid point I was so exhausted and just wanted to leave and I stopped talking and just smiled and looked ridiculous. I have no idea how I would manage a job if I can't even do very small things. And one of my friends had her PIP tribunal and she was refused PIP, they'll be after me soon. I can't do this. I remember in my last job a staff member getting on to me for not maintaining eye contact, and I'm much worse with eye contact now. I'm just a failure of a partial human. I am not needed here. How do I get out? I really am going to have to force myself to push past natural anxiety and kill myself. Scared.

nonperson 18-05-2019 06:27 PM

Does it matter if you do those behaviours if they work?

What if you made a conscious effort not to swear at or bully yourself?

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