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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 10:36 PM

Thank you. I generally don't sleep until the early hours of the morning. I'm so desperate to end my pain right now but can't think of a sure way to do it. Because of this I'm reluctant to phone anyone because it would have to be Breathing Space at this time of the night and they might not want to let me talk if I'm going to be safe anyway because I can't find a way to die. Plus they would probably ask what my diagnosis is and as soon as I say BPD they'd start judging me. Talking isn't going to make things better anyway. I cannot do this for much longer.

I'm sorry for not managing to support anyone on here right now.

one_step_closer 12-07-2017 10:49 PM

Thank you. I don't know what might help. I'm so tempted to go out and find some way to kill myself. I don't have the strength to deal with life even with support. I am weak when it comes to coping with emotions and with stress. There is only so much pain anyone can take and I think I'm close to being done with all this.

tiptoes 13-07-2017 03:50 PM

How did this afternoon go?

How are you today?

one_step_closer 13-07-2017 05:55 PM

I just went to bed last night, managed to get some sleep eventually.

I don't think the charity can help me. I spent a stressful 2 hours there doing the referral process and they've offered me reiki next week and gave me a list of phone numbers I already have and a list of alternatives to self harm. I'm supposed to phone the extended hours service to let them know how I got on but I feel too overwhelmed after being there for so long. I have to phone the crisis team again too. I wish talking on the phone was easier.

Juella 14-07-2017 07:49 AM

How are you doing today? Did you manage to sleep ok?

I'm so sorry charity wasn't helpful. Are there any other resources you can think of that you coult turn to if in crisis?

I can relate to struggling with talking on the phone. I hate making phonecalls and when I make any kinds of arrangements I prefer to walk to the place and talk to people face to face, even if it's a long way. For me, it's a little easier if before calling I sit down and write down the things I would say in the beginning of the conversation and the keypoints of what I might have to say later. Then reread it a couple of times. I also tend to create a physical feeling of comfort and safety, even if for me it means I only make important work calls with doors closed, in my bed, in PJs, all cuddled up in my safety blanket and hugging a plushie. I know it might be hard to think of ways how you can make yourself feel a little more comfortable and safe during the calls, because that's the opposite of how you really feel now most of the time, but maybe something comes to your mind. Or maybe, you can tell your crisis team you really hate phonecalls and they try to use different means of communication to keep in touch with you more often?

one_step_closer 14-07-2017 04:59 PM

Thanks for your reply.

I didn't sleep too well last night and I was supposed to meet my support worker for a walk this morning but I didn't make it. People from the CMHT keep phoning to find out why I didn't go but I can't even answer the phone. I'm not sure how to make phone calls any easier.

one_step_closer 14-07-2017 08:50 PM

I'm really struggling. Don't want to do this any more.

Juella 15-07-2017 07:44 AM

I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you. Did people from CMHT got in touch with you? I know it might take all of your strenght, but please pick up the phone when they are calling, they really want to help you.

one_step_closer 15-07-2017 04:51 PM

Thanks. I think people want me to phone them rather than them phoning me now. I'm just so tired of trying to fight to survive through every day, I need some respite from these horrible emotions at least. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday and want to say to him that I think I'd maybe benefit from going into hospital for a while but I'm too scared to mention it in case he thinks I just want attention and also because it will worry my brother. I'd only be allowed a couple of days to a week in hospital if it was agreed and I don't know if such a short period of time would be helpful.

mk_boyd 15-07-2017 05:52 PM

so glad you're alive today, that within itself is a major accomplishment. although I have no great words of wisdom on how to help, I will tell you that the amount of love and support you have is infinite. whether it be IRL or just online, there are many people who depend on your existence. don't give up now, keep on speaking.

one_step_closer 15-07-2017 07:00 PM

Thank you. I'm trying so hard to stay safe even though I don't really want to. I wish there was some way to ease my pain. I'd like to talk to someone but don't know what I'd say and I'm probably safe anyway so there's no point annoying anyone. They won't care as long as I don't kill myself.

one_step_closer 15-07-2017 08:45 PM

I'm absolutely desperate to end my life. I need a sure way to do it so I don't have to watch my brother suffer because I get it wrong and he has to constantly worry about me. I have to be selfish. I might be meeting up with my brother tomorrow so I'm trying to hold on through tonight to let him have this one last contact with me. There is no hope that things will ever get better because they just keep getting worse.

sherlock holmes 15-07-2017 10:37 PM

I would ask for a crisis admission, a few days/week could well be enough to break this depressive episode. Have you ever had ECT? I wonder if its time to think about something like that as you seem to get incredibly depressed without much of a break.

one_step_closer 15-07-2017 10:46 PM

Thanks. I don't know if my psychiatrist would agree to a crisis admission since I've managed to stay safe so far this week. I'll maybe ask him if I make it to my appointment but I worry so much about him judging me negatively. I've never had ECT but don't think my psychiatrist would consider it, he very tentatively agreed to change my antidepressant the last time I was in hospital.

Juella 16-07-2017 06:24 AM

I am pretty sure your psychiatrist will agree to a crisis admission if you tell him how you really feel. He isn't going to judge you negatively, he isn't supposed to judge you in any way because he's a doctor, and I'm pretty sure nothing you do or say can shock or dissapoint him, because he likely already saw everything on this job and he is used to dealing with people like you. If you can benefit from ECT, I am sure it will be offered to you, and if not, your psychiatrist would suggest some other options, but he will offer you something. So please, don't hesitate to get in touch with him.

one_step_closer 16-07-2017 11:51 AM

Thanks. The crisis team phoned me but just told me it's my responsibility to stay safe and if I'm not going to be safe I need to phone someone. Telephone support isn't helping, nothing is helping. I am in immense emotional pain and I just can't cope with it any more. I'm not strong enough. I'm not meeting up with my brother today because he was out last night and only just recently went to bed.

bitomato 16-07-2017 01:42 PM

When I read this thread I was happy to see the heading "Today" and read a post from you. You did manage to stay safe for the past week which is fantastic! I am glad you did. This week is full of possibilities. So let's conquer today. RYL wants to be there for you. Have you tried chat?

Sometimes when one is depressed etc. you hone in on certain things to justify negative actions like not asking for help because you won't get the desired response.

I don't think the crisis team, CPN, psychiatrist, psychologist, your brother want you to harm yourself. So please call and leave a message if you have to. Personally, I was not too happy with that format and prefer face to face myself; but at the same time maybe this new charity could provide some additional support and distractions in the next week while you wait for a response.

Find out if your CPN has an emergency coverage CPN or a protocol for their patients who have a crisis. Then rather than focusing on when your CPN gets back from vacation and when the earlier appointment is- you at least know who to reach out to in the interim, updating them on your struggles.

I see my psychiatrist/ psychologist as part of my care team- so what the outcome will be (I can't admit you to IP) is not as important as updating them with where I am at. Calling is sometimes the best way to ensure that they get the message of your needs. If you make a "next appointment" it may be a while before you are seen. That being said, when are your next appointments with your psychiatrist, psychologist, CPN. And maybe you don't want to worry your brother, but if they are able to assist you with going to appointments or making phone calls at the moment- maybe let them- if you are struggling to reach out in this format yourself.

one_step_closer 16-07-2017 03:48 PM

Thank you. I managed to phone Breathing Space and they put me through to NHS 24 who are going to get someone to phone me within the next 3 hours. I think I can stay safe for 3 hours. I'm probably going to be safe forever and will never be able to get away from this pain.

bitomato 16-07-2017 04:31 PM

one_step_closer, I am very proud of you for calling Breathing Space.
I think it can feel frustrating trying to cope with emotional suffering, but things like journaling may give you an outlet for coping. You state staying safe forever like that would be a bad thing- but in fact you are feeling a bit stronger in the moment, while at other times not so much.
I have lived with emotional pain for several decades now, and it often varies in terms of how well I can cope. At the moment, it is clear that being a survivor gives me insight and empathy that others would not have without walking in my shoes.
Similarly, part of the adventure is learning to advocate for yourself and valuing your presence in this world. It takes time. In the space of 1 week you have achieved alot. You don't have to feel as though the pain will last forever. You have the option of surviving because you don't know if the next moment will be one where you cope well- and possibly get some respite from pain. Trust me, it is worth holding on to find out.

one_step_closer 16-07-2017 04:40 PM

Thanks. Someone phoned and is now going to get a CPN or doctor to phone me within an hour. I feel like nothing is going to help me and I do not want to try any more but try I do, for my brother. I don't know how much longer I can hold on for.


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