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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Sketchy 24-10-2017 06:39 PM

Please try phone crisis. Even if they suggest a&e it’s important to reach out and keep safe. Do you think you could give it a try? Sounds like part of you wants to.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 07:43 PM

I don't know what to do. I can't deal with A&E tonight, don't know if I can find the courage to phone the crisis team either. I was just thinking that I'd rather end up in hospital by plan and partly my choice than end up being forced in. That way I'd have time to sort out getting my cats to the cattery. But I don't know if I will end up in hospital this time round, I know no one can predict the future. My brother is anxious enough as it is and I don't want to burden him with the anxiety of me being in hospital. I just do not know how to decide what is for the best. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the suicidal impulses and emotional pain I'm feeling. It feels very logical to kill myself asap but I also know that I'm supposed to try and get help when I feel this way. If I was more confident at talking on the phone I might be able to get a professional opinion from the crisis team.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 08:35 PM

I'm not real. Posting here because I feel so disconnected and unsafe. I know part of me must be real if I can post here. Don't know what to do. None of this is real. I am a viewer of imagination. I am a ball of negative emotions and evil, nothing else. Very far away.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 08:41 PM

This sounds very distressing. I’m so sorry.

Do you think you can try phoning crisis? I know phone calls are really hard, but it sounds like now is a time to reach out for support.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 08:43 PM

Thank you for replying. I'm sitting here crying and shaking. Just cannot take this any more. It's best for everyone for me to die. Everyone has to die eventually anyway. I should try phoning the crisis team, I know.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 08:47 PM

It’s not best you die. That would be an awful thing. You are a valuable person and are needed here, so that is why you need to stay safe. What would help you phone crisis?

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 09:09 PM

I managed to phone crisis and was lucky again tonight to get through to someone I know. She thinks I should get in touch with the cattery lady tomorrow and see when she can pick the cats up and see if I can be admitted to hospital. She made me promise that I will phone NHS 24 or 999 if I can't get through the night. She's on again tomorrow night and asked me to phone and let her know how I am. I felt a brief bit of relief but I know the intense emotions will peak again very soon. Right now I should be taking time away from electronics to get ready for going to bed but I feel like I need this contact.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 09:13 PM

Well done. That was so brave of you. I’m glad she gave you some good advice. Remember to use it and reach out if you need to. I’ll listen too.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 09:16 PM

Thank you. I will try and do some reading now before bed. I don't sleep well but usually I can force myself to stay in bed where it's safe. Last night I was close to getting up to hurt myself but maybe tonight I will sleep better because I didn't get much sleep last night.

Sketchy 24-10-2017 09:19 PM

Reading is a good plan. Hopefully you will sleep well, especially since you are needing to catch up on sleep.

one_step_closer 24-10-2017 10:44 PM

Having to stay up because my brother text and he's having a hard time so I'm trying to support him. Going to be putting a lot more on his plate soon. :sad: Brought my laptop up to my bedroom to try and stay occupied. Need to stay in bed and don't leave the house to do anything dangerous.

one_step_closer 25-10-2017 10:35 AM

Just posting now in case I'm not able to later. I'm waiting on my CPN getting back to me to let me know if my psychiatrist agrees to admit me to hospital and if there is a bed. Won't be able to post if I am admitted because it's difficult to access RYL on my phone. Thanks everyone for your support.

one_step_closer 25-10-2017 11:45 AM

There are no beds so I've to see the extended hours team and the crisis team.

sherlock holmes 25-10-2017 12:03 PM

How do you feel about that? I'm really glad you reached out for support. I hope you can stay safe and that the extended hours and crisis team can help you get through this patch. If a bed comes up will they admit you?

one_step_closer 25-10-2017 04:15 PM

Thank you. I'm fine to go along with anything that I'm told to do because I feel like I don't exist anyway. I feel like the part of me that is in this body is right at the back of the head looking on but I still have some control. Went to see extended hours and probably shouldn't have driven there, don't think I'll be driving tomorrow. Feeling too unreal to be controlling a car safely. Extended hours said there is a shortage of beds and they don't think I need to be admitted anyway because I'm still functioning but they're leaving it up to my CPN who I'm seeing on Friday. Turns out my CPN is also moving area so I won't be seeing her for much longer. I've to see extended hours again tomorrow and one of the CPNs who is on tomorrow is the one I should be getting transferred to so I'll get to meet her. I really hope she's not judgemental, that's the main thing I look for in professionals.

My support worker is on the crisis team tonight and is going to phone me at some point between 5 and 7 and let me know if they have time to come and see me and if not he'll speak to me on the phone. It stresses me out having phone contact but I'm grateful for any support that I'm offered. I keep getting to unsafe points where I'm convinced I exist so little that I will easily be able to kill myself. The good thing about if I was in hospital would be that I would be safer during those points, it's hard at home because I very rarely feel able to make phone calls. There's no point in this anyway because everything is absolutely hopeless. This is a recurring theme in my life and it's not going to stop until I kill myself. I'm just a thought in someones head who has become a partial physical being and I can very easily be extinguished. I can probably fight through these difficult emotions but the thing is I really don't want to.

Sketchy 25-10-2017 05:02 PM

*hugs* I’m glad crisis are planning on helping you and you are getting help from your cpn and will be seeing another cpn. Keep talking to them. Tell them what you have told us. I’m sorry there are no beds, but I hope you get all the support you need at home.

one_step_closer 25-10-2017 06:27 PM

Thanks. I think people think I'm ok because I said I was going to meet my brother tomorrow. The truth is that plans feel like back up plans to be made 'in case I am alive.' The main plan is to die, I just feel a bit too far away to do much about it in this moment but I know the urges will intensify. I can most likely get through this time but I really, really, do not want to. I just want to die.

discodevilx 25-10-2017 11:58 PM

Is there anything you can do to keep yourself safe? Do you ever email the Samaritans?i appreciate sometimes the responses can be dodgy but sometimes they help just until crisis calls. Sometimes i write a really long email to take up time as a distraction technique although they give short replies . Do you draw? I don’t know if distractions work but hopefully you can speak to the cpn or support workers and maybe they can get a bed. Is it possible to get a bed out of the area if necessary? Big hugs you are my hero

one_step_closer 26-10-2017 10:25 AM

Thank you. The crisis team came last night to make a plan for when I've to get phone calls so they will be phoning me for the next 4 evenings and then I've to phone them for the following 3 evenings. It helped a bit while they were here but that was because it was face to face, calls are a bit less useful. I'm grateful for the support anyway. My support worker said that my CPN didn't look for a bed out of area because she thinks it would be unhelpful to be admitted to a different hospital. Every time I email the Samaritans now I don't get a reply. It's useful posting here though.

Sketchy 26-10-2017 05:43 PM

I’m glad the crisis team are helping you, although I understand that phone calls are hard.

Keep talking to us and your team. You will get through this.

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