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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

discodevilx 09-10-2017 12:17 AM

Is there a plan in place where you think ok if a, b and c happens then I need admitting to hospital? I wonder what the psychologist saw that knew was right and if the cpn can have the discussion with them to make the plan for it. However I suppose services talking to each other would be too difficult because they just don't do they �� so frustrating. Do you know what the psychologist saw to think ok hospitals good

one_step_closer 09-10-2017 04:34 PM

Thank you for your replies. I think my previous psychologist is still working with my treatment team about myself in the background, just not seeing me directly. My CPN asked me to think about how things were before I was last in hospital and I concluded that things are getting similar to how they were but they haven't reached a crisis point yet. I want to do my best to avoid hospital anyway since it will mess up my sleeping pattern and is generally boring. My CPN is seeing me in a fortnight and she's off next week but told me to phone the extended hours team if I'm struggling, don't let things get to a crisis point. I wouldn't call extended hours or even my CPN if I was just struggling a bit, I always wait until I'm in a full blown crisis because I'm pretty much struggling a lot of the time and can't just keep phoning people constantly. My mood and safety can change quite frequently so I never know when it's the right time to reach out to someone.

discodevilx 09-10-2017 10:21 PM

It's really hard to know but I think if you are making plans or really struggling then you probably should get in touch with the extended hours team. However, I appreciate that sometimes it's resisting help too (my own experiences) also make it hard. Keep posting though. Sometimes it's shit isn't it x

one_step_closer 18-10-2017 07:16 PM

I don't know what to do. I'm safe but only because I don't have the means/skills/energy/focus to hurt myself badly enough. I'm very suicidal and don't feel able to contact anyone tonight. I was thinking about phoning the extended hours team tomorrow but I don't know if I'll do that because I don't know if they will see this as enough of a crisis to be pestering them.

My brother is having a hard time. Everything must seem so bleak to him right now as he probably feels like no aspect of his life is going well. And here I am with minor issues, it doesn't seem fair. I want him to have a really good life. I'm scared that I have taken the chance of a good life away from him. I made mistakes as a child not knowing they were wrong at the time. I also couldn't give him what he needed when he was growing up because I was having to act like a parent but was only a child myself. I feel incredibly guilty and remorseful.

Life is pointless, for me anyway. I'm not going to have children, no way, and I probably won't get into a loving relationship with anyone. Days just come and go and one day I will be facing up to my death. I want to kill myself right now. I want to overdose at least but I only have X and that was so hard to take the last time. I don't have the 'skills' required to cut myself badly either. All I can do is exist. A poison on earth. I have to kill myself to avoid causing further problems. My death won't hurt my brother but it will leave him with no close family. He'll have my money so that will help him out.

I'm probably just going to have to feel like this. If I phoned the extended hours team I wouldn't know what to say to them and my CPN is off this week so that is who I'd have to talk to. I don't know if this is a point where I should consider asking for a hospital admission because I still really don't understand when I'm in enough of a crisis point but not too much of a crisis point so that it's the 'ideal' time to go in. I don't want to go into hospital and I don't think there are any beds in my usual hospital anyway. Nothing is going to get any better, just worse, and I know that. It hurts me that I can't take some of the pain away from my brother. I hate that he is the only one who can feel his pain and that I can't do anything to lessen it. Nothing I do will touch the surface. I'm terrified that he might feel like me.

Every day I get up and think that soon the day will be over one one day I may be really old and looking back at this day, time flown by. The years are passing really quickly. That probably sounds stupid to be thinking like that when at the same time I'm suicidal. I seriously want out of life right now. Horribly I often find myself wishing that my brother would die to at least get him out of this awful life. I can see that that is problematic thinking because I wouldn't want someone to be wishing me dead because of my struggles but I feel like I can't protect him from anything. I am worthless. I was programmed to take on people's pain yet I give it out more than I take it away.

one_step_closer 19-10-2017 07:02 PM

I'm tempted to go to the bridge tonight or at least just try and walk somewhere unsafe. I wouldn't be able to walk to the bridge, I'd have to take my car. I don't want to be seen there but it's dark and I could hide in the trees until I'm ready to jump. One of my cats is sitting on my lap right now which is preventing me from doing anything so I'm obviously not seriously hurting if I can be stopped moving by a simple thing like that. There is no solution to ease my emotional pain or that of my brother's. I should never have been born, I wasn't supposed to be born alive as my twin died at birth or before birth. I miss my psychologist. I need to talk to someone who cares and doesn't judge me. I have to end my life very soon. I don't want to feel this way over and over again.

Sketchy 19-10-2017 08:32 PM

Are you safe? Could you phone someone for help? Please stay safe. I know things are bad and I do sympathise, but things can change. Can you phone your cpn tomorrow?

one_step_closer 20-10-2017 04:05 PM

My CPN is off this week. I don't see the point in phoning anyone because there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to help. I can barely make phone calls anyway, especially ones where I'm having to talk for a while. I phoned the crisis team and Breathing Space last night but knew I was just going to wait until I heard someone's voice and then hang up. I wish there were instant messenger type help chats in my area. I don't want to phone extended hours or crisis and for them to arrange for me to have phone calls over the weekend or even visits because it's so stressful knowing I'm waiting on someone getting in touch. The thing I value about hospital is that I can be in a supportive environment but reach out for help only when I feel comfortable doing so. The problem is that I feel very judged by a lot of the staff in my local psych ward and end up in unsafe situations sometimes because I can't approach people.

The past two mornings I have got up and then just went back to bed for a couple more hours and I don't want to be doing that. I'll end up back in my old staying in bed pattern. Life is so absolutely pointless, I don't want this any more. I can't think of anything that I could add to my life that would make it worthwhile. I self harmed last night but very mildly because it just wasn't touching my emotional pain. I feel very hopeless, like I'm just breathing through life and that's all people care about, that I just continue to exist. Nothing makes me feel good. If I could guarantee my death I would attempt suicide right now.

Sketchy 20-10-2017 07:46 PM

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way just now. I wish I had helpful words.
I can understand the thing with phone calls. I hate them too.

Is there anything that has helped before when you’ve felt like this?

one_step_closer 20-10-2017 08:26 PM

Thanks. I know that talking through things can be helpful but as I am wary of people judging me I only trust certain people. The crisis team has nearly all new people since I last phoned them and the extended hours team has some people on it who assessed me in A&E many years ago when I was in and out a lot due to overdoses and feeling suicidal and they tend to judge me negatively. Those are really the only two options I have this weekend other than phoning a helpline and that would mean far too much talking on the phone and trying to explain things. I'm seeing my CPN on Friday and could maybe phone her on Monday but I don't really want to bother her since she will have things to catch up with after being off this week and because it seems unfair to phone her and also have an appointment at the end of the week.

I'd even just settle for self harming the weekend away but I can't push past the pain and I can't swallow enough tablets.

Things just go round in circles of emotional pain.

Sketchy 20-10-2017 08:51 PM

It’s ok to phone your cpn even though you have an appointment. Maybe try phoning her on Monday?

Is there anything you can do in the meantime to get you through this? What about writing things down?

one_step_closer 20-10-2017 09:04 PM

Through the day I convince myself I'm not feeling bad enough to phone anyone and then it gets to this point. My CPN keeps telling me to phone someone before it gets to a crisis point but what if I don't even know how to explain things?

I make time to write every day. It sometimes helps but also sometimes makes me feel worse. I'm meeting up with one of my friends tomorrow but she isn't doing too well so that will probably be extra draining. I'm just tired of trying to find ways to cope with everything.

I'm pretty sure no one can offer me anything that will help anyway so I don't see the point in getting in touch with anyone especially since I may not know what to say.

Sketchy 20-10-2017 09:09 PM

Maybe your cpn will be able to help. I know how hopeless it feels, but it won’t always be like this.

I wish I knew what to suggest, but I have read and I hope things get better for you.

Keep talking here. I’ll listen. I may not always have advice but I will listen.

Zurg 20-10-2017 09:35 PM

I hear you and for what it's worth, i feel the same a lot of the time. I wish i knew what to suggest but if i really did i probably wouldn't be stuck in the same place. But all that aside, i do believe there is hope. Hope is one of those things that are always there even if you can't see it. Like gravity. And atoms.

I think sometimes people lose hope and as such they lose the trust in everyone else and in themselves. The trust that something, or someone, can ease their pain. And then life is not a life anymore but just a wait for death. And everything seems too overwhelming and like too much effort. That is when you ask for an admission. It might provide you the breathing space to regain some strength so hope won't be so far away anymore.

It may seem like nothing can help. But in the end, all the small things add up. Going to hospital, relaxing a bit and being in a space where you can talk if you wish to, is not too much to ask for when your life feels hopeless like it does right now. Lindsay, nobody will come to thank you if you make an attempt on your life. But people will understand if you need some extra help right now and they will be thankful if the help keeps you in this world. What i am saying is that given thecircumstances i really think hospital might offer you some respite.

Please consider it. Your life is just as vaulable as everyone elses. You have as much right to use the resources offered to you as everyone else. It's not too much to call your cpn. It's not too much to ask for an admission. It's a totally okay thing to do.

one_step_closer 21-10-2017 05:24 PM

Thank you both. If I feel able to phone my CPN on Monday I will do it. I went back to bed again this morning after getting up, my terrible sleeping pattern used to make me so hugely suicidal and I'm terrified I'm going backwards with it after doing a bit better with getting out of bed in the morning consistently. This may sound like a small thing but I'd worry that if I went into hospital my sleeping pattern would be worse when I get home because I'd need to be up at 8am in hospital and that routine never sticks with me when I get home. If I get home and I'm really tired after a few days of not sleeping well due to the environment and getting up early I may end up staying in bed until the afternoon and getting into that pattern again. I'm messing up everything anyway.

When I think about what can happen in my future I feel very hopeless because I will be forced into work at some point and that may make me struggle even more. I don't think I will be allowed to stay on benefits for a lot longer, I'll probably be taken off them before I'm well enough to cope with work. I've had difficult experiences with working in the past plus my whole finding it almost impossible to tolerate tiredness in the morning makes me so afraid that I will have to get up early for work and I will cry because it feels so bad. That's pathetic.

Nothing in the future can change for the better. Even if I get more well my brother will get worse mentally and I can't bear that. I am a waste of oxygen, of housing, of money, of professional time. I feel like I need to talk to someone but I can't do it over the phone so I'll have to wait until I see my CPN on Friday or try to phone her before to briefly explain things. No one can help me. I can't think of even one thing that could be offered to me that would help. I hate myself.

Sketchy 21-10-2017 06:17 PM

You are deserving of housing, help, etc. You have as much right to it as other people in a similar situation. If you are too ill to work, then thatís ok. There is no shame in it. I understand your worries. I am also unable to work at the moment and have the same fears.

I know what you mean about a sleeping pattern. Mine is awful. Can you maybe set yourself a goal, but a more attainable one, like trying to get up late morning, or if you do get up early, just moving to living room to change your surroundings?

I hope you get to talk to your cpn and I hope she helps. You are deserving of that help and itís ok to need it.

one_step_closer 21-10-2017 06:18 PM

Thanks Camden. I've had my alarm set for 9.23am for a couple of days now, I try to move it forward a minute every couple of days to every few days. Just these last few days seem to have felt like too much to face up to right away. I know that if I could maintain a getting up time of 9.23am that is much better than me getting up in between 12 and 2pm but it's not good enough for me. I keep thinking about the people who get up at 6.30am for work and don't act like a wimp when they feel tired. I don't push myself to do anything, if I'm too tired I'll go back to bed. If my house is a mess and I can't be bothered doing housework I won't. I have a leisurely life and I still complain.

I know I'm very harsh on myself but I feel like a huge ball of evil since I have caused so much pain right from the moment I was born. The men (who go in and out of my head) even reprogrammed me when they saw how evil I was yet I still manage to hurt everyone. More than hurt - kill, traumatise. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for my mistakes, I don't deserve any peace of mind. Since I was a teenager I have always wished that my brother would either die or settle down with a family of his own so he has more people around and doesn't need me so much so it won't hurt him too badly when I kill myself. Instead of him settling he is struggling more and more and I can't deal with this fact, I'd rather all his pain was transferred to me and he could have a good life. I want my suicidal feelings to override my concern for my brother and allow me to end my life.

Sorry, that turned out to be a pessimistic reply.

one_step_closer 21-10-2017 06:19 PM

Thanks Lorraine, your reply wasn't there when I posted last.

Sketchy 21-10-2017 06:26 PM

There’s nothing wrong with having to get up later than others. You have to take into consideration that you have mh problems and need to accommodate that. It’s a case of doing what you can and setting achievable goals. There is no shame in needing more rest than other people.

I wish I knew how to help you with these thoughts, but I have read. Things can change, even though it doesn’t feel like it. You have to hold onto that thought even though it’s so hard.

sherlock holmes 21-10-2017 09:13 PM

Has your tiredness and sleep been investigated from a physical point of view? Like blood tests to check thyroid function, blood count etc. Do you think you might have chronic fatigue syndrome? Might be worth seeing your GP to get it all looked at.

one_step_closer 22-10-2017 04:05 PM

Thanks everyone. I had a blood test a while ago and was found to have a vitamin D deficiency. I was put on meds and the blood test was repeated but it was still too low and my med was changed to something else. I had another blood test to check the levels one of the times before I ended up in hospital so I never got to check what the results were but I'm sure if my levels were still low my GP would have done something about it. I think I'm just lazy to be honest. I have no idea how much sleep I'm getting but today I messed up again and got up when my alarm went off at 9.23 then went back to bed and kept changing my alarm until nearly 2pm. I don't think I was sleeping at all during that time and I'm not even sure what was stopping me from getting up, maybe a bit of tiredness and also dread for the day. It's natural to feel tired and I know that many, many people push through it but I'm so selfish that I just pamper myself. It wouldn't be too much of a problem if I could get back to staying up after my alarm goes off at 9.23am but in the long term I will be told to get a job at some point and will have to cope with tiredness.

I really wish I was still seeing my psychologist. It doesn't feel like enough support to just see my CPN for up to half an hour once a fortnight. There's nothing majorly wrong with me though, I have things so so easy. I deserve to be forced into work and then in a roundabout way forced to kill myself.

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