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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 06-05-2020 12:11 PM

The other CPN didn't hear me at all. She just focused on the practical things I'm trying to keep doing. The men are pushing on my brain so they should be here at some point. Maybe my Mothman t-shirt will come today and I will be told to do some research. I don't know if I can focus well enough.

tamobhuuta 06-05-2020 01:18 PM

Sorry you weren't listened to. What do you think the men will say?

one_step_closer 06-05-2020 03:35 PM

They've just increased my tinnitus so far. My Mothman t-shirt did come and I tried to read a bit of the book but it was hard going and I don't know if this book is going to be useful but I have to persevere for even the tiniest bit of information.

I just went out once today and as part of it I was planning on going to Tesco but there are just too many people out and about.

one_step_closer 08-05-2020 10:23 AM

I got so wound up last night I tried to kill myself and then went on a self harm spree. I'm so sick of everything. I am terrified about life and there is always a horrible emotional ache hiding behind things when I feel ok and it creeps out just to let me know things can't stay ok.

I'm now usually getting up about 9am, it's not a big deal but I'm scared of going backwards. I'm still so tired even though I sleep quite well through the night.

It's hard to occupy myself with the same things over and over again. I can't focus on the Mothman book so something terrible is bound to happen to someone because of me. I already know how the Mothman fits in with the men, there are three men but they speak in one voice and the Mothman speaks for them. I want to do some proper research but the book is rubbish and I am so tired.

My CPN should be phoning at some point this morning or early afternoon. I wish she could do something. The other CPN sent me some things about what to do during lockdown like getting out for 30 minutes, doing some exercise, sticking to a routine. But I already do all that. It's so hard to have MH problems along with everything that's going on right now. I wish I could kill myself.

nonperson 08-05-2020 10:43 AM

What about finding some new things to occupy yourself with? They can still become part of your routine and will give you something new to focus on. Doing the same things over and over naturally means you will eventually lose focus.

tamobhuuta 08-05-2020 11:00 AM

I'm sorry you hurt yourself last night, and I'm really glad you are here. I hope your CPN is helpful. X

one_step_closer 08-05-2020 04:19 PM

Thank you both. I don't know which new things I could do, I'm not really interested in much. I tried to do some baking in the evening but then it's all eaten by the next afternoon and I can't be doing that.

My CPN helped by listening. She was trying to figure out if there was something more we could be doing. She said we could maybe meet at the health centre but she'd have to be in full PPE. That would be quite scary and I don't have my mask through yet so I said not at the moment. She isn't allowed to come to my house, and admissions to hospital are only allowed for people who are psychotic - not for people who try to kill themselves. She said I can 'play around' with my Lorazepam and take them however it suits me as long as I don't take them to kill myself. I don't know if Lorazepam even helps any more.

I did lots of head banging this morning and bashing my arms. I am really sore unsurprisingly but I'll probably do more. There should be more visible damage but there's not much to see. I am pathetic.

I found another Mothman book so will try and give that a go. There have been so many loud and strange noises today and I keep getting a fright. Even when it's noises I can anticipate coming. I don't want life. Nothing will ever make life worth living.

Auror. 08-05-2020 10:28 PM

Did you say you'd tried to kill yourself?

one_step_closer 09-05-2020 10:50 AM

Yes, but it didn't work so it's not important. I never get it right and probably never will.

nonperson 09-05-2020 11:31 AM

Lindsay, I feel absolutely terrible that I unintentionally glossed over that. It is important and you are important. Asking if you're ok seems wrong because I know you aren't but I'll send some love instead and hope that I haven't made you or your pain feel unnoticed. <3

EyelinerAndCigarettes 09-05-2020 11:41 AM

I am sending you so much love. You are so cared for.

tamobhuuta 09-05-2020 07:11 PM

You are such a kind person, you don't deserve this suffering (I would say no one does) and I'm sorry you tried to kill yourself. How has today been?

one_step_closer 10-05-2020 06:55 PM

Thank you all.

I'm feeling really agitated and have been banging and slapping my head lots. I don't know what to do because I've had my 2 evening Lorazepam. Duty will have finished for the day and I don't want to phone the informal crisis team.

Despite my fit bit telling me I got 10 hours 10 minutes sleep I am so tired. It might be because I've had no caffeine for a while because I'm avoiding the shops and instead getting deliveries when I can. I need to reduce the amount of time I stay in bed. There is fear around the day passing, going to bed, getting out of bed, and the morning routine. The fit bit is annoying me, telling me to get up and walk every hour if I haven't made it to 250 steps. I'm sick of drinking just water. I really want to send the watch back but i've messed up the packaging I think.

I put some images into my notebook about the men and the Mothman and I'm going to write about them. In the Mothman book I read it said people were drawn away from looking at its face so they didn't see facial features. That's the same with the men. When I've seen them out of my head I never see their faces. There is a pull away from looking there. I don't know if they have a human head or not, I know nothing about their features. It's like a drowsy feeling pulling my head down from theirs and blurring my vision. Of course they mostly appear as shadows in my head the majority of the time. This weird weather is triggering some urges to wander or lie outside in the cold.

My CPN is phoning tomorrow though. I need to somehow make the most of the call but it's not enough. I seriously think this would be time for an admission if things were normal. I don't know how to cope being all on my own at home through this.

nonperson 10-05-2020 08:31 PM

Maybe don't wear the fitbit for a while if it's causing you more stress. Do you think you could pop into a shop and get some coffee if you think that would help?

Have you thought any more about going to see your cpn in person even if she has to wear full PPE?

one_step_closer 10-05-2020 09:29 PM

I'm sending the Fitbit back. I don't drink coffee and I'm avoiding shops as much as possible. I don't see what seeing my CPN in person would do, she can't offer anything more than she is already doing.

I'm feeling like taking all my X and hopefully I'll just die in my sleep. But I promised my CPN I wouldn't. I'm so suicidal but so tired. Taking meds wouldn't require too much effort.

one_step_closer 10-05-2020 09:30 PM

There's something happening with the other world. I need to properly wake up and go outside.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 11-05-2020 07:38 AM

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, I understand how you feel and you aren't alone. I'm really glad you promised your CPN you wouldn't kill yourself. If you can, you need to hold onto that - If you weren't here you would be so missed.

How are you feeling today? Would it help if you were to talk more about what happened last night?

one_step_closer 11-05-2020 10:45 AM

Thanks. I don't even know what to say to my CPN, I feel like I can't properly describe anything. I can't.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 11-05-2020 12:21 PM

I can relate to that feeling. I wonder, have you thought about trying to write down any singular words that describe your feelings? like 'scared' or 'agitated' and then go from there?

Zurg 11-05-2020 05:43 PM

I Think it might be a bit of a relief if youcould tell her what you need??? It does not matter if it's impossible right now, or ever. It does not matter if it doesn't line up with the kind of work she does. That in itself is not important, the important thing would be to give your needs a language, a voice apart from the self harm and suicidal behaviour. And even though she might not be able to help you, she might have an idea about where to go and who to talk to. Or she might be able to arrange something that could help you get some of what you feel you need???

If hospital came up as an option, i hope you'll take it. These times are hard enough for people who don't normally struggle with their mental health. In my view you should be offered an admission. That ought to be standard procedure following a suicide attempt.

I hope you can use the phone call today and feel just a bit listened to, understood and supported. Xxx

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