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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Shirayuki 28-04-2020 07:45 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling awful. I find it amazing that you still want to help everyone else but it would mean a lot if you took care of yourself too. The men and their followers aren't real, even when it seems like they're the only ones alive, I'm real and I want to help, will you let me?

one_step_closer 28-04-2020 08:24 PM

Thanks, whatever kind of form you are taking.

I took my PRN even though I know it doesn't help. I banged my head X times.

Possible solutions - go for a wander
- phone the informal crisis team
- do more head banging
- start focusing hard on a practical suicide plan

I need to find out how many residual energies of people are out there. I don't want to phone the informal crisis team and have some recorded echo saying that they are real. I will want to tell them to fuck off. I want someone with physical abilities to batter me. I want to be dragged away by whoever the police are right now.

Someone show me the truth. Someone show me hope.

I could try phoning Duty tomorrow, I don't know if my CPN is working. But I can't say any of these things that I have written, they only make sense through written words. I wish I could email my CPN. I don't care if she wouldn't get it for days.

What do you do when you're so disconnected from everything? The world is made of fog. My body is filled with emotional pain. There is no way to have a better connection so I need to end my existence.

tamobhuuta 29-04-2020 10:18 AM

I like your first two solutions. Well done for taking PRN, sorry it didn't help. I promise things can get better, this isn't forever.

one_step_closer 29-04-2020 11:22 AM

By wandering I mean to find out what's going on with the other world. This morning is terrible again and set to continue. I am so tired. I need to bang my head constantly. I am aching and I can't survive like this. I don't want this. If I phone Duty and it's not my CPN who is on they will likely fob me off. I can't even explain any of this without someone just reading my words anyway. I'm crying. I wish there was a quick and easy way to kill myself because I am being attacked every day. I'm so upset because I know that I won't have the words to explain anything over the phone so I can't be heard. Not another day, please. End me.

tamobhuuta 29-04-2020 12:08 PM

In that case, talk to someone. Coming here is great but reaching out irl is better.

one_step_closer 29-04-2020 01:39 PM

I phoned Duty but my CPN didn't answer and it was someone I don't know that well so I hung up. I'm going to ask my CPN if I can email her something and she can print it out and get back to me during a scheduled call. I think I still needed daily calls from her but she has reduced them to twice a week. When they were daily it was just 4 in a row and then I said to not bother over the weekend.

I've did something self harm wise on top of my most recent healed cuts because I think it has to be in a sort of pattern to please the men and the Mothman and let them know that I am serious about opening myself up to them further.

I just want to sleep all the time to get away with things and I'm terrified I'll get back into my getting up in the afternoon/evening/not for 36 hours routine. It seems easy to fall into it in the morning when I'm tired and can't be bothered dealing with my emotions. I'm doing ok so far with about 8.30am being the latest I'm getting up, where I'd usually get up just before 8am or 8am itself.

I was more anxious going out this morning and it took me a while to build up the courage to leave my house. I'm so overwhelmed I get to points when I'm out when I feel like I'm just going to sit on the ground/floor and cry. There has already been tears today. There are still so many hours left to fill.

Shirayuki 29-04-2020 01:54 PM

The email sounds like a good idea, can you ask if she can call you daily instead of twice a week?

Good job for waking up at 8.30 but you need to rest too.

Good job just making it out of the house, you should be proud of yourself, you did it :)

You can do it lovely

one_step_closer 29-04-2020 04:53 PM

I don't have her email address and would need to ask her when she calls on Friday. Sometimes she works in the office and sometimes from home and she can't access her work email from home. I think she is busy enough without having to call me daily, it was her idea the last time and I wouldn't ask for it. I don't even know if she is supposed to be phoning me regularly since she's on Duty (crisis). I don't think I'm going to be able to communicate anything to her. The world is just so wrong. My brain is so confused and I'm upset about everything. I hope not to put on a face when I talk to my CPN. I hope she will allow me to talk because sometimes she just has a general chat. Today is close to unbearable, I haven't really done much other than spend too much money online and do the hoovering. It's raining and if it gets worse I'm going to have to go into my garden to absorb it to protect people. I hope it gets very cold and very wet and I will lie on the ground. There is no way I can continue with this life. I wish someone would help me to die. No one is bothered because I can't seem to get death right myself.

I need a human. There are no humans in my house. I am anxious when I go out and don't want to talk to anyone out there I just want to talk to my CPN face to face. I am an illusion, the world is an illusion. I am fading but I am still a huge chunk to get rid of somehow. I hope the men take me to the other world soon. Although that might be worse than this one. I want this suffering to stop. I can't cope.

Emotional pain every minute, no break. How is anyone supposed to live like this. I feel like I have enough pain inside to just die of it.

Shirayuki 29-04-2020 05:58 PM

Maybe you can face time her? Are you allowed to text her? Why will you have to dry the rain?

Sending love x

one_step_closer 30-04-2020 10:46 AM

None of those are options.

I have to absorb the rain to protect people because of the other world.

I seriously just want to fall down dead. And here goes another day and then there will likely be another one and another one. I can't describe my emotional agony. Right now would definitely be a time for hospital but I know that isn't an option. Normally if that wasn't an option I'd see my CPN and other CPNs face to face a number of times each week but obviously that can't happen. I have lots of spare meds. I don't know if they would kill me, I just don't want to be ok but ill and need to get treatment. I don't know if my CPN is working today but I'm not going to phone her because she's always got a huge list of people to call and I'm on her list for tomorrow anyway. I don't want to do life any more in any way it comes to look like.

one_step_closer 30-04-2020 02:43 PM

I phoned Duty and my old CPN answered who I get on well with but I hung up. Phone calls are too much and I am only just tolerating the ones from my CPN although I do rely on them and need them a lot. I think overdosing has to be an option but I really should wait to talk to my CPN tomorrow.

I don't know what to do. Every day is a bigger fight than I have ever faced before.

Pi.R^2 30-04-2020 04:19 PM

What would help do you think? What would be happening in hospital that would help? I'm guessing it's the face-to-face contact, but wondering if there's anything else, something that could be emulated at home.

one_step_closer 30-04-2020 05:14 PM

Maybe going back to daily phone calls from my CPN would help, or from the other CPNs I know when she's off. It would also be good to be able to email her for the things that are easier to explain through written words.

I'm still getting all the Lorazepam I was getting in hospital and I'm worried that it might not be working now because I'm tolerant to it and I could end up getting addicted if I take too much PRN so I think I'm going to have to ask my CPN to speak to the psychiatrist about stopping it completely. I'm not even sure if it works as PRN when I'm taking it regularly too. But in hospital it felt like it was holding me together and maybe it still is and coming off it will make things extra terrible. I don't know. It's just one of those meds that you need to be careful about and I think meds aren't really getting reviewed because no one is having phone appointments with psychiatrists.

I just want to see a kind human face (my CPN, other CPNs, nurses from the ward) meaning a kind professional face not friends or family. And I want to explain everything to them and show my distress and cry and then get some relief. I am no use at self soothing. I really do wish I got things from cutting like I used to.

I also hate not being able to go out twice a day. Once in the morning isn't enough. I don't know if I could hold off till the afternoon.

Shirayuki 30-04-2020 05:39 PM

Is there a way that you can ask her? Has she phoned yet, if she has, what did she say about you emailing her?

I feel like if you use it the way it's supposed to be, nothing will happen, I'm not sure though. Is there a way to get a face to face appointment with your psychiatrist?

Maybe you could drop by your CPN's house and talk to her through the door? There was a math teacher here a while back and since the girl couldn't understand what she was learning, he came to her house and taught her the subject through the glass door.
Sorry I'm just waffling now, I'll stop

Is there a way you could go out today other than in the morning?

one_step_closer 01-05-2020 10:23 AM

She should be phoning at some point today. I don't think I will be able to get much across to her through spoken words so I hope she lets me email her but even my written words don't connect with people a lot of the time.

There is a new psychiatrist and she's just advising the staff just now who are passing things onto her. My CPN might have a word with her about my meds.

If I went to my CPNs house (if I even knew where she lived) I'd at least be given a severe warning or I would be discharged. That's not a thing you do.

We're only allowed out once a day and I prefer to get out as soon as I'm out of bed and ready. If my neighbours weren't in their/my garden all the time I could maybe try and do some gardening.

I'm so worried about not being able to get things across to my CPN but she can't really help anyway. I'm so terrified of facing more and more days like this, especially without the relief of good self harm. I just need to figure out a sure way to kill myself and it should be easy but it's hard.

tamobhuuta 01-05-2020 01:06 PM

I prefer writing stuff down too, I hope she lets you do that. I hope the psych has some ideas, but if they don't, don't let it make you feel worse because things can still get better.

I agree that visiting your CPN would be inappropriate!

Suicide is very difficult and I'm glad about that because it means you are still here.

You say you want to good SH but I suspect you will never SH enough to satisfy your brain.

one_step_closer 01-05-2020 02:05 PM

She emailed me a care plan that says I can go out once to collect my meds and once to go for a walk, in case the police stop me, but she told me not to email her. She said it a couple of times and it made me kind of upset because there's no way I'd email her without her permission. I couldn't explain myself very well as I thought, the written words would have been better but now I have no way to show her them. I'm probably just going to have to read out what I have written in future even though I hate doing that.

I think she's either too busy to have more contact with me or doesn't want to have more contact with me. Before she allowed me 4 days in a row and was going to extend it to 6 initially until I said to leave it over the weekend. Now we're sticking to our usual 2 days but also another CPN is going to phone me in between. Then she said she'll look to decrease it again. I am very grateful for the support I'm receiving though. It's just hard going without contact from my CPN for days.

Self harm even sort of the same as I used to be able to manage would be enough for the time being. I just need some relief.

Pi.R^2 04-05-2020 04:03 PM

I can see why that would be upsetting for her to tell you multiple times not to email her- it feels a bit accusatory doesn't it? Though she probably just forgot she'd already said it, but yeah, I can see why that would bother you. And it's a shame that you won't be able to keep in contact via email. I'm sure this has been suggested a ton of times, but have you tried anything like the samaritans who, I think, offer email support?

I know you've said that you hate reading out what you've written, but I guess in times like these you have to give it a go if at all possible =/

How are you doing with your daily routine and activities?

one_step_closer 05-05-2020 02:41 PM

The Samaritans stopped replying to my emails a long time ago, I don't find them helpful anyway. I've tried Breathing Space web chat a few times but it gets frustrating. I need to be talking to people who know me. I think I'll have to try reading out what I've written when I need to.

Things were sort of neutral over the weekend but then the badness started creeping in. I'm trying hard to keep my anxieties etc to the back of my mind other than when I go out because that seems impossible. I have quite a good daily routine other than the evenings can seem too long because I can't focus on things and can only tolerate 1 hour of TV.

Things with the men and the Mothman don't seem to be that important right now. They are quiet.

Maybe too quiet.

one_step_closer 06-05-2020 10:50 AM

Everything is peaceful around me. The sun is shining, the cats are snoozing, I can hear the birds. But in my head, I can't stand much more of this.

A different CPN is going to phone me today to go through some Covid loneliness/isolation self help techniques or something. I'm anxious about the call as usual. I'm anxious about going out later, I didn't go out this morning to get my meds because I was worried I'd miss the call. I went to post a letter yesterday and had to go a ridiculously long and roundabout way because of having to dodge people. This is all so scary.

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