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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 15-04-2020 10:48 AM

I don't know if I can even get back to normal things once all this is over. I feel like I just have to end my life. I don't really want to do anything in life and didn't before all this started. Nothing has changed.

There are times when I haven't managed to do what the men said and people still get hurt. Sometimes they don't name a specific person. It's not always about people getting hurt, the followers can be distressed a lot of the time and it's my job to soothe them. I also want to find the entrance to the other world.

I give up. I don't want to fight any more.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 19-04-2020 07:26 PM

Sorry I'm low on words but I've been thinking of you - how are you doing?

one_step_closer 20-04-2020 01:42 PM

Thanks.

I don't really know.

My CPN phoned this morning but I didn't get to say anything about how I'm feeling. I'm thinking back to when I was in hospital and I realised that the men talk as one person because they are related to the Mothman and I'm waiting on a book coming to do some research. I'm hoping I'll have the energy and focus to read it properly. Today there have been lots of messages but not clear ones, they are vocal but I can't make them out and I have been listening to music which the men have been adding messages too but again I can't make them out. I don't know what's going on with the men.

Pi.R^2 21-04-2020 09:18 PM

How come you didn't get to say anything to your CPN about how things are?

tamobhuuta 22-04-2020 10:27 AM

Thinking of you x

one_step_closer 22-04-2020 10:31 AM

When I'm on the phone the other person usually controls the call and she didn't ask me anything about my MH other than am I ok with leaving my meds as they are for now. She mostly spoke about general stuff.

tamobhuuta 22-04-2020 11:07 AM

Can you phone her today and insist on talking about what you want?

one_step_closer 22-04-2020 02:21 PM

She's phoning me tomorrow but I can't take control of a phone call since I'm already anxious enough about being on the phone. I might be able to say some things tomorrow but she's on a half day and I don't want to take up her time because she's got lots of other people to call and usually ends up working longer than she should, and it's her birthday tomorrow and I want her to get home on time to enjoy it.

tamobhuuta 22-04-2020 02:32 PM

It's up to her to manage her time, it's not your problem.

Soft Kitty 23-04-2020 02:12 PM

I hope you managed to talk to her today and say how you felt.

one_step_closer 23-04-2020 03:09 PM

I don't know if anyone is hearing how distressed and overwhelmed I am because I'm not considered to be psychotic, but 'pseudo' psychotic. It says in my hospital notes I was never seen to respond to external stimuli that other people couldn't see which corresponds with my diagnosis but do they really expect me to always chat out loud to the men etc? I've learned to keep it all inside, and the staff have seen me when the men have been about and all the things I do to listen to them or try to soothe the followers or whatever.

I told my CPN about the Mothman stuff and she said not to do lots of research when the book arrives but that she knows I will she just has to say it. She phoned over an hour late today and I was so anxious that I did lots of head banging and some cutting. It's not her fault that she's late though, I think when she's at work she's on Duty so obviously has to deal with any calls that come in. She said I don't have to stick to a regular dose of 1 Lorazepam twice a day, if I think it's going to be a bad day I can use all 4 doses or take PRN whenever. 4 regular doses was helpful but made me a bit out of it. PRN wise 2 helps but not 1. And if you have a regular dose don't you have to wait for 2 hours after you've taken it before you can take PRN?

I feel so alone but still very glad I don't live with anyone. One of the fire ladies emailed to see how I'm doing, which is very kind, and I managed not to ask her about the fire in the other world.

tamobhuuta 24-04-2020 04:03 PM

I'm sorry you don't feel listened to. I don't have any advice but would like to send you love and hugs. Just keep being honest and I believe things can get better.

one_step_closer 27-04-2020 07:47 PM

Thank you.

I feel very disconnected and unreal. Like the world has ended and I'm wandering through the rubble. Like there is a wave that just carries my life while it plays out distant reality. I had face to face contact with a lady in the chemist this morning but it wasn't real. My CPN phoned me but it wasn't real because I couldn't see her face and what if everyone is just a recording now? She's not concerned about the Mothman stuff, we are getting further into the other world. So many people are dying. I feel so isolated. I hope to kill whatever is left of me.

I can't even really feel any more. Other than the distress that comes from nowhere and makes my slap or bang my head. Or getting really annoyed at the cats moaning at me or climbing all over me.

I am dead. Stop me from breathing.

Soft Kitty 27-04-2020 09:04 PM

Do you feel like you could be experiencing more dissociative symptoms at the moment? The sense of nothing being real sounds like that. I think lockdown is exacerbating these feelings for a lot of people but it's more difficult if you've already got mental health issues to deal with.

Is there anything safe that helps you feel more real and grounded?

one_step_closer 28-04-2020 02:28 PM

Yes I agree that I am probably dissociating more than usual but there doesn't seem to be a way to lessen it in these circumstances. I feel completely alone and the world is just wrong. Once I get to the other world it might be better. My CPN isn't calling me until Friday and that feels like ages away. I'm allowed to phone Duty and she might be on Duty but I don't think anyone takes me seriously because I'm just distressed not seriously harming myself. There is something inside me that shouldn't be there and I'm tempted to cause a big ugly burn to see if I can get some of it out, whatever is wrong with me is big and ugly. I want to see my CPN face to face. This is never going to end. No one can get into hospital either, my CPN did say she would suggest it in normal circumstances a while ago. I don't know how to cope with everything. I need to bash my head until I have brain damage.

Soft Kitty 28-04-2020 02:40 PM

I wonder if it's not that people aren't taking you seriously, but that as you've identified, there's so little they can do aside from phone appointments due to the lockdown situation. I know that doesn't make it much better, but it sounds as though your CPN does take you seriously.

Your distress is very important, irrespective of whether or not you're harming yourself. We take you seriously - I wonder if it's partly that it's difficult to take yourself seriously. It might help to have compassion for yourself and your painful distress at this time.

one_step_closer 28-04-2020 03:54 PM

Thank you. I know my CPN listens and sort of understands and knows that I am distressed enough when things are 'normal' so that things will be heightened now. But I think a lot is about managing risk and people can think you're ok enough if you haven't done anything risky.

Having compassion towards myself is very difficult and I'd rather not start the fight with myself. I'm really stupid and can only seem to accept compassion from others, slightly. I need a lot of external reassurance and that might seem very childish.

I'm scared we're never going to get out of this hell. I'm scared that if we do things will be so different still and I won't be able to cope with that either. I'm scared that everything will go back to normal and I'll be expected to manage the things I was doing way before and I don't think I can. Before I hadn't been managing the gym group and I had just come out of hospital. I don't have faith that I can even pretend to live in this world any more.

Soft Kitty 28-04-2020 04:18 PM

It doesn't sound childish, it's something I relate to a lot. I know that sometimes, even when people are there in front of you, it can feel like they're a world away from you and that you're in a lonely, dark, unreachable place. It's horrible and I think you're brave and doing your best to survive, even though you're not sure you want to or feel able to.

one_step_closer 28-04-2020 06:37 PM

I really can't do this. It's so long until my CPN phones and then a phone call won't even help much. I think I have to kill myself. There's no way I can live in this world or the other world. I just need a foolproof plan. I'm really distressed and I know PRN won't help so there's no point in taking it. No one is truly real, I know it. Someone is interfering with the world, maybe the men and other creatures from the other world. I am the only person left and I am alone and crying. I want a hug and for someone real to tell me everything is ok. I need to hide right now but I can't do any activities if I'm hiding and I also need to stay occupied. I've killed everyone. I've not been able to decode the mens messages for a while so I've messed everything up. I'm posting here but you're not real.

I have no contact with the supportive people in my life. I am so alone. My heart is aching. I just want out.

But I will continue to offer support in case there are somehow still living people or residual energies of them who need support.

tamobhuuta 28-04-2020 06:46 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and guilty. I think it's amazing you want to help others but would be so glad if you could look after yourself too. The men etc aren't real, even when they feel like the most real thing to you. I am real and I want to help you.


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