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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 10-04-2020 06:25 PM

This is stupid but I'm still staying in bed half an hour later than usual after the clocks were changed and I hate it. It reminds me of when my sleeping pattern was hugely messed up. It makes me more anxious about going to bed.The evening makes me panic because I feel like there are certain things I have to do at certain times and I worry about sleeping and getting up in the morning and facing the horrible morning routine. It often leads to head banging. I have a lot of extra tablets and I'm tempted to take them because I need to harm myself but I can't do anything that might end up with me needing to go to hospital.

My key worker is off so someone else phoned me and spoke for ages and it really wasn't helpful. She's phoning me again next week. Then I had to get a package that was left at my back door and my neighbour was out and she spoke to me for a while. It all feels like too much social contact and it's kind of pathetic. How am I ever going to live in the real adult world?

The men are being persistent with messages I can't understand and I have no energy to try and figure them out or do things that would please them. My brain is full. I don't know what to do. I really want to cut but I seem to have lost that ability.

Pi.R^2 11-04-2020 01:07 PM

Oh no, who'd have known your key worker would be temporarily replaced by someone even more unhelpful, that's terrible luck! Do you have any strategies for cutting short phone calls that you can tell are just going to be unhelpful?

I can see how things spiral into destruction when there's a change to your routine, especially because day to day life is already massively impacted by the current situation. What do you think would be the best thing to aim for at the moment- changing your wake up time to being half an hour later, or getting yourself in the routine of getting out of bed half an hour earlier? Either would be completely acceptable I think, just wondered which feels like the better battle to fight as staying in limbo and feeling bad about it isn't helping.

one_step_closer 11-04-2020 04:29 PM

I have a plan in place where I'm allowed to ask to end the phone call as long as I'm safe and I tell them that but I feel rude doing that so I've never done it.

I actually think I'm just going to let my body do what it needs. I think if I was to try and sort out my sleep for the sake of half an hour it would just be more stressful. It's not like I'm getting up late anyway and I do sometimes manage to get up at my usual time. Maybe with time my body will settle more.

one_step_closer 12-04-2020 06:30 PM

I thought it was important to cut a square in my arm so I did that but then just went wild with cutting. I'll need to be doing more things for the men to make the messages clearer. That could include more head banging, setting aside time to focus on the men, rituals. I don't know if it's important to expose myself to the weather because it's not extreme right now. Things are not the same without people and not being allowed to go out. I wonder if it would be seen as an essential need to go outside looking for the entrance to the other world.

My brother is not great because he has to go to work and expose himself to risk. But then he says his life is not so great anyway that it wouldn't be such a loss. He's like me. He's worse than me.

I'm going to have to attempt suicide soon. It's pushing on my brain. It's not easy to discuss over the phone. I don't want to end up getting it wrong and needing treatment because everyone would hate me and I'd end up getting the virus.

Someone save my brother.

tamobhuuta 12-04-2020 07:08 PM

Sorry you hurt yourself. Do you see it hasn't helped?

Is there someone you can call if you think you are going to SH or attempt suicide? You deserve to keep living and have a good life.

one_step_closer 12-04-2020 07:57 PM

It's good that I self harmed. Positive. It doesn't need to be anything bigger right now because I don't know what the men want.

I can't phone anyone at all. My CPN is phoning on Tuesday, but I don't know how much she hears at times when I mention I'm suicidal. "I'm suicidal" has become a neutral phrase when it is spoken by me. If I can push past the fear that will be the hardest part over. I want to go to the train station but if I get caught loitering and I tell them why I might end up at A&E or maybe not because they are telling people just to use community support. Either that or I will end up getting fined for hanging around. There is no accessible support right now. I've just to silently go crazy at home.

Pi.R^2 12-04-2020 08:57 PM

I hope this doesn't sound blunt, I can't work out how to phrase it! Why do you do what these men want? What are the benefits to appeasing them?

one_step_closer 13-04-2020 11:08 AM

If I don't do what they want they hurt other people, make them ill or injured etc. I was reprogrammed at birth to serve them and I'm ok with that as long as I can do what they need. It's harder when the followers are screaming because that is something concrete, not a threat from the men. They are so distressed. I want to be able to cut better. I want to kill myself because my brother is so unhappy and probably mentally ill. I can't stand his pain. I am so selfish.

tamobhuuta 13-04-2020 11:37 AM

If you killed yourself your brother would feel worse, not better.

one_step_closer 13-04-2020 01:07 PM

At least I wouldn't be alive to have to worry about him, sorry. A lot of the time I wish he would be saved or killed.

My head and heart hurts. I don't know what to do. Everything is such a mess. I hate being without my routine support. I'm going to try and write something for my phone call with my CPN tomorrow but I don't know if I'll get a chance to say any of it.

tamobhuuta 13-04-2020 01:42 PM

No need to be sorry. With your head and heart, are they physical pains or emotional? Or something else? I hope you are able to say what you want to say to your CPN.

one_step_closer 13-04-2020 03:52 PM

Both. I am so suicidal but feel like I can't do it so I'm trapped. I wish there was someone here for me. I'm so stupid not being able to access support over the phone. I can't live like this but I know that any future changes will just make things worse. I need out.

tamobhuuta 13-04-2020 04:16 PM

I believe things can be better and you deserve a better life because you are a lovely human being. Pain in the head or heart can be anxiety, do you have any skills for coping with that? Mindfulness, noticing things with all your senses, listening to music?

one_step_closer 13-04-2020 08:09 PM

Things 100% can't get better. Things can change, yes, but change won't be good either. Most of my coping strategies involve talking to people. I took PRN but still needed to do some head banging. I need to go out. There are people from the other world circling my house because they want me to follow them. I really can't carry on with any sort of life.

Pi.R^2 13-04-2020 10:01 PM

What evidence is there that you were reprogrammed at birth and that they have the power to hurt other people?

Did you manage to write something for your CPN?

tamobhuuta 14-04-2020 12:39 PM

Leaving hugs x

Shirayuki 14-04-2020 12:40 PM

Sending hugs and love

one_step_closer 14-04-2020 01:22 PM

Thank you all.

The men tell me these things, and they have said before if I don't do X then Y (a specific person) will get injured or ill and then Y does get injured or ill.

I wrote a bit for my CPN and managed to say the important stuff which was that I held on through the night to say goodbye to her today. I'm very suicidal and I don't want to be alive for much longer. My CPN said I'm important and worthwhile and she would offer hospital normally but people are rarely being allowed an admission now. She's going to phone me every day she's working this week and she wants me to phone the the informal crisis team or Duty if I get really distressed and triggered. I know I won't do that though. She thinks I will get though this but I'm sick of getting through these massive points just to then have to face them again. It's scary how alone I am and other people are while we're having to do this social distancing. I need a person. This is all just so unbearable. Please give me the strength to get this right.

one_step_closer 14-04-2020 08:04 PM

My method doesn't look like it's going to work. I can't be trapped here until I naturally die. There is no pain relief, no way to soothe myself. I don't know what the answer could be other than finding a way to get suicide right.

Pi.R^2 14-04-2020 09:08 PM

I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much right now and I know that this crisis is hitting you so hard and removing the things that helped you get through day to day. Right now I know there's isn't a huge deal that you have the power to do to improve your quality of life, but could you maybe make plans for what you'd like to do once this is over to improve your isolation? I wonder if maybe having a plan and being fuelled by the frustrations you've had in this crisis might give you that last boost you need to get more involved in things like the gym group once this is all over and that could be the start of positive changes that can make a real positive difference in making your life feel more worth living. I don't know if this is the case for you as I know you have it much worse than me, but I have mild social anxiety and for me, doing social things usually winds up being way less of a First Rate Disaster than my anxious brain anticipates so the prod to actually go to things usually works out being worth it.

With regards to the things you feel you have to do to protect people, have there been other times when you haven't done what they said and the person still didn't get hurt?

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