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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 20-12-2017 09:28 PM

Thank you both. I've been looking after my friend's cat, going to her flat twice a day. She was texting me asking if I had bought bags for the cat litter after I told her I had bought some more food and cat litter and I said I was just using her bin bags (as she was using, but I did mention I'd get smaller bags for the litter). Then she said there won't be any bin bags left now will there? I said there is and she said "I'll be honest I'm not comfortable with this situation with this. Hopefully you'll look out for cats name and me." I told her I'm doing my best. She was supposed to sort out getting her cat into a cattery but she hasn't done it since it's handy to get me to do everything. She said I should look after him until her ex got back from his trip and then she'd get the keys back off me but then she said I've to keep looking after him for now because she's busy. I feel like she's not appreciating anything and like she's totally against me but is using me for her own needs. It's just upsetting. I have looked after her cat a lot in the past when she has been visiting her parents so she knows I can look after him ok.

Sketchy 20-12-2017 10:06 PM

That must be so frustrating. It sounds like she really is being difficult. You are doing the best you can and it’s nice of you to do so. Are you able to let her know how you feel? It’s hard because she’s unwell, but you need to look out for yourself too.

one_step_closer 21-12-2017 06:48 PM

I don't want to say anything because she's interpreting a lot of neutral things as bad things, like the way I look and the things I say. She's annoyed with me again today. I can't seem to do much right.

I'm feeling really low and stuck again with the thought that no matter what I do with my life things will just get worse. It's bad enough things being as they are now, I really don't know how I'm going to cope with additional pressures which will surely be forced upon me soon. I miss my old CPN. I miss my psychologist. I need to talk but shouldn't be allowed to talk anyway because I don't deserve support. Hate myself.

Sketchy 21-12-2017 06:53 PM

I promise you do deserve support. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You deserve the same kindness you show others here.

Weren’t you going to ask to be re referred to see a psychologist again?

one_step_closer 21-12-2017 07:28 PM

I didn't ask because I don't know if I'm still allowed to be re-referred since nothing happened after the 3 months had passed after I was discharged from psychology. Also, I don't know if I have anything concrete to work on as I keep changing my mind about what I need to be focusing on and what I can cope with.

Everyone probably thinks I'm fine since I'm not self harming or overdosing as much as I used to. It's hard because a lot of the time I put on an automatic smile so my words don't have much power. I'm not finding a lot of relief from my emotions because I don't always have the words to talk it through or the opportunity to talk.

Sketchy 21-12-2017 07:34 PM

Maybe you could write it down.

I know what you mean about putting on a smile. I’m guilty of that too. But it’s okay to let people know you are not fine and to ask for help.

one_step_closer 21-12-2017 07:56 PM


There really is no hope that anything is ever going to get better. I wish I was dead. So low.

Sketchy 21-12-2017 07:59 PM

I’m sorry you are low. I am glad you are alive. I wish there was something I could say to help, but I am listening.

one_step_closer 21-12-2017 08:50 PM

Thanks, it helps to even know that someone is out there.

There is no point in my life. A good life depends on ability, opportunities, and good health. I don't have the right things to progress and be content in life. Life is barely tolerable at the moment and it can, and will eventually, get worse. I want to do something risky right now. I wish I could overdose easily. I wish I could cut better. Christmas will come and go and then there will be no positive-ish focus. If I get to a point where I can't cope with things I can't go into hospital because my friend is there. I'm so afraid of life changing for the worse. I don't know what to do.

Sketchy 21-12-2017 09:04 PM

I hope you can talk about this with your new cpn. I know it’s hard talking to someone new, but maybe you’ll eventually trust her and be able to talk.

If you are feeling at risk can you phone crisis?

one_step_closer 22-12-2017 05:26 PM

Thanks. I'm worried about my brother, as always. Really don't know what I can do to help him and I also can't let go of my worry for him. Thoughts about how he is and what he might be going through are very frequent throughout my days. I want to be able to do something to make things significantly better for him but I don't think I can. I feel guilty about having a less stressful life than he does. He goes to work and socialises and stuff while feeling anxious etc whereas I avoid a lot of things. I can imagine the feeling of chronic anxiety and I know it's not nice, I don't want my brother to be feeling so bad. Wish I knew what to do.

Buttons. 22-12-2017 05:35 PM

I'm sorry you are worrying about your brother, I know worrying about family/friends can be so stressful and frustrating. I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know your feelings are heard, and valid. Love and hugs.

one_step_closer 22-12-2017 05:36 PM

Thank you. I wish someone would hear my brother and help him. See, a lot of things turn into things related to him.

one_step_closer 26-12-2017 09:36 PM

Thinking about how new year is coming up and I'm very sure that my treatment team will be all for me setting goals and moving forward in whatever way moving forward means to them and society. I'm due to finish a review with my support worker on 4th January where I decide on my next steps with the service, that will likely only involve moving on from individual gym support to going to the gym group but my CPN and psychiatrist will likely expect me to do more. Like work. As an adult everything is focused on how people are supposed to have jobs. I think work would make me miserable but that's not an excuse. I don't think I'd cope very well thinking about how I have coped with work in the past and how my mental health is right now. I don't feel like I can bring this up with anyone because they'll just think I'm being lazy and don't want to work. I actually feel like my life as I know it may be over soon because I can't cope with other peoples expectations and ultimately added pressure from life stressors like work. It's all downhill from here.

Sketchy 27-12-2017 02:03 PM

It’s ok that you aren’t ready for work. Maybe in the future you will be, but just now you need to concentrate on your mental health and that is perfectly ok.

one_step_closer 27-12-2017 07:35 PM

The thing is I think people have really high expectations of me, a lot of it due to me having been to uni and somehow coped with that. My previous CPN kept saying I have too much time on my hands to think and my psychiatrist said that once I'd reached a stable point I should look at what I want to do with my life. I think I'm likely to be seen as stable because my psychiatrist has only known me as being in and out of hospital every couple of months but now I have been home for 4 months. I don't do a lot of self harming because I just physically can't cope with it. These are things that people can see, I don't know how to explain that emotionally I am struggling just to cope with small pressures in life.

Sketchy 27-12-2017 07:45 PM

Maybe write it down for them. Tell them what you have said here.

I coped with doing a degree, and have worked, but now I’m unable to do so. Things change. Just because you coped before, doesn’t mean you can now.
Perhaps it will change again in the future and you will eventually work, but for now you need the time off.

one_step_closer 27-12-2017 09:39 PM

I don't know how anyone deals with life things on top of mental illness things. I really don't think I can cope with much right now and I keep protecting myself from as much as possible. I really am terrified that something will happen that is so emotionally painful but I may not be able to get away from it, probably wouldn't even succeed at suicide. I want to hurt myself right now but I keep going to do it and then don't do it because it does nothing for me when I'm in this kind of place. I need something more extreme, more punishing, more risky. I'm not able to destroy myself as much as I want to and that makes things worse. There is no relief.

Sketchy 27-12-2017 10:01 PM

If you are feeling unsafe will you phone crisis?

I don’t have useful words, but I am listening.

one_step_closer 28-12-2017 11:56 AM

Thanks. Crisis finish at 10pm. I ended up just going to bed. I'm seeing my CPN at 1.30, don't know how that's going to go. It'll be our first meeting together without my previous CPN.

Sketchy 28-12-2017 05:39 PM

How did your appointment with your cpn go?

How are you feeling today?

Aubergine 28-12-2017 07:22 PM

Hey. Well done for staying safe and just going to bed. I know it might not feel like and achievement, but it really is.

How did it go with your CPN today?

one_step_closer 28-12-2017 07:51 PM

Thank you both.

As expected my CPN was focusing on what I can be doing with my life. She was asking if I want to go back into education, which I don't, so we spoke about volunteering but came to no conclusion. She asked if there's anything she can do for me (with regards to moving forward with some form of proper adult activity) and asked me to think about it before I see her next. She asked if I like having structure and I told her that I get overwhelmed when I even have 2 things on during the day so I try to stick to one main thing, like an appointment. She didn't mention forcing me into work but that will likely be on the cards if I can't think of a way to make steps towards it more slowly. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on 22nd January which I'm dreading because he always goes on about my intelligence and how I need to be doing something. This may not be true but I feel like no one will just let me 'be' and survive for now until I feel stronger (if that ever happens) life is all about working and stuff. I don't feel like an adult. I have never had a full time job and the last 2 part time jobs I had I messed them up because of my mental health and didn't turn up a lot because I was so anxious.

But my CPN seems ok in general. We spoke about my worries about my brother and she tried to tell me I don't need to worry so much but it's hard to let go of that. My brother is on my mind so much. I saw my previous CPN when I was leaving and she said Merry Christmas and I said it's not Christmas any more and she called me the Grinch! I will miss her.

Aubergine 28-12-2017 08:09 PM

I'm really glad that your new CPN seems OK in general. I think it's natural to miss professionals we have had a good relationship with, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a connection with your new one that's just as good.

I know that this can feel like a really big step, but would you consider volunteering? I know our local volunteer centre offers supported volunteering, and if your area offered something like that, it would mean that someone could go with you the first few times. Some places do group volunteering, and do things like litter picking (one example I've seen recently) that's just once a month or whatever, so there's no massive commitment there.

I don't think life is all about working, though I can definitely see why it might feel like that. The government and media don't help! I'm not sure that your CPN or psychiatrist would want to push you into paid work, as they will understand that paid employment comes with quite a lot of pressure that really doesn't help some people, no matter how intelligent they are. They might want to help you find some meaningful activity though, because a hobby or volunteer work etc have been show to improve mental health. They're on your side and will want to help you do things that are going to make life better for you.

one_step_closer 29-12-2017 06:39 PM

Thanks. I've done quite a bit of volunteering in the past, I liked mentoring and stuff during my undergrad but any other volunteering I've done has left me anxious and I've had to stop going. I don't think it was because of the type of voluntary work, I just found it hard to cope because of my mental health worsening. I look for voluntary work quite a bit and have applied for things but the problem is that I often can't get out of bed on time to attend group training sessions and also that I get socially overwhelmed with too much contact. I'll have to do something though.

Last night my friend text me and asked why I am her friend. I said because we get on well. She said 'we do don't we but I'm finding it hard relationships nowadays. I think sometimes I see you and I get a bit upset for some reason but I love you as a friend.' I am the toxic person in everyones lives. I need to find the courage/strength/focus/whatever it takes to kill myself. I'll probably be dead soon anyway with how quickly time is passing, even if I live until I'm 90.

one_step_closer 29-12-2017 06:53 PM

I need, need, need to give up life. For me and for other people. I'm ruining things for everyone. My brother may even be reading this and he wouldn't be likely to tell me if he was. So I've potentially worried him anyway, I may as well try to end everything. I can't bring any good to the world, I bring far too much pain. I hurt the world. I am a disease. I absolutely hate myself. I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to keep fighting. Yet I keep fighting. I want to give up.

Sketchy 29-12-2017 08:58 PM

You bring so much to the world and it’s a better place for having you in it! Please believe me.

I don’t have many words, but I have read. Keep fighting.

one_step_closer 30-12-2017 06:11 PM

I don't know what to do. I can't just keep existing. I'm so, so low and tired of the battle. I need help but I don't know what to say to get it. I don't know if I can explain anything. No one can help me anyway I know that, I've learned it after 16 years of being diagnosed with mental health problems. There's nothing I can do to help myself either. I need a sure way to die or maybe even just a coping mechanism that actually works. I want to push past the physical barriers and self harm the way I used to.

Zurg 30-12-2017 06:45 PM

Lindsay, i am really not trying to be harsh here and i hope you won't take offense but i feel i should say it. The thing is, as long as you keep giving up on life, nothing will change. I know the world is a hard and scary place. I know i want to run and hide all the time, myself. But i really think you have to give something a chance if things are ever going to change. The more you remain stuck in your life with lack of routines, the more it will feed the feeling of misery and of death being a sensible solution. The truth is that death is never really a sensible solution. While i can understand suicide i can never condone it. It leaves too much pain behind.

Your cpn spoke about volunteering. I urge you to look into it and maybe give it a chance. And i really don't think anyone expects success immediatly. So if it is hard to get up and get going, try to ask yourself what might make it easier. And what might actually happen if you don't. Not neccessarily to the people expecting your company, but to yourself.

I made a pact with myself a long time ago (because i'm weird and like to do thongs like that); that i would always try to do what the professionals in my life suggested, just once. Because i do believe whatever they may suggest, they do it because they want the best for us. So i have been doing a lot of silly things over the past 3 years and most of them i have abandoned again but i tried them out because what damage could it do???? My life is shit, i might as well try to make it less shitty.

I had to push myself for some of the things because they were way out of my comfort zone. Even if i have not succeeded with them i at leats got a feeling that i accomplished something. I managed to do something that scared me. And for some strange and silly reason this gave me the focus i needed to try other things. And that is my point, you don't have to be the best at everything you try but please just keep trying things. Because nothing will change if you just give up. And no, you're not toxic or a burden or any of those terrible things. You're just lost in life. And it's ok. We all get lost from time to time. But ultimately there won't be a hero flying in here to save you, you have to save yourself. Change starts from within. I believe in you. I hope you can believe in you too. Xx

one_step_closer 30-12-2017 07:09 PM

Thank you, no offence taken. I know that I need to actively try to change I'm just terrified and put off because nothing I have tried in the past has made a difference. Life is so painful and hard to deal with as it is and I worry so much about pushing myself because I know I will feel even more emotional pain so how on earth am I going to cope with that? Maybe something out there will bring me something positive but I feel ill equipped to deal with the additional negative stuff that is bound to come along with things. I am a rubbish human being. It's not easy to run away from commitments and I am always running and avoiding what I can because I do not want any additional emotional pain. I feel overwhelmed when I think about adding things to my life. Everything is too much. I'm not supposed to live a 'normal' life anyway, I don't have the skills, I'm stuck. I'm scared.

Aubergine 30-12-2017 08:29 PM

What kinds of things have you tried in the past?

Life can be hard and painful to deal with, but with me, I find it more hard and painful to deal with if I've got nothing to focus on other than how hard and painful it is. It's a really difficult situation you're in, and I can understand how very scary it must be to even consider pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, but I think Zurg is right in that nothing will change if you don't give it the chance to.

There are parts of life that can feel impossible, I know. It can be tragic and terrifying and contain hurt. I can also be amazing though. It can be fun and exciting and enjoyable and fulfilling. You deserve the chance to experience it in that light.

one_step_closer 31-12-2017 04:21 PM

I have tried volunteering, paid work, education, social groups. My previous CPN did think that I have too much time on my hands to think about things and my previous psychologist said he thinks the next steps for me should be to have more structured time. I'm just terrified and would rather stay stuck like this than take the risk of doing something that could make things worse and I can't back out of it through giving it up or through death. I don't think I can bear to feel any worse than I do right now. I can't think of anything I'm interested in or want to achieve in life. Life does not appeal to me but I try to hold on for my brother's sake and because I may end up getting suicide wrong. I need some way to relieve my pain. I wish I could relieve my brother's pain at least. I don't want to have to tolerate things any more. I want to be able to self harm to the degree that I used to as that offered me some feeling of control and relief.

Sketchy 31-12-2017 06:09 PM

Adding structure doesn’t have to be a big thing. Baby steps is good. What about going out for a coffee one day? I find that helps me. It’s also good to get a treat like that.

Would you be interested in doing an evening class? I did creative writing to help me get some structure and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. It was terrifying, but it helped my confidence and I met people who are now my friends who I meet with regularly. The best thing about an evening class is that you don’t have to get up early for it and it’s only a couple of hours a week.

one_step_closer 31-12-2017 06:22 PM

I don't really know what I'm interested in. I've been to some creative writing classes with my support worker but felt uncomfortable because I only really know how to write about my mental health and personal experiences. The organisation my support worker is from was supposed to be starting a creative writing group but it got cancelled for some reason. I've looked into evening classes but didn't connect with anything. Everything I can think of doing just seems dull and pointless.

The world is full of pain and the pain of people close to me (namely my brother) is because of me. I don't deserve to enter into another new year. If I survive the year I wonder what will have happened when I am reading my blog on 31st December 2018. I read back over previous years, I have gotten through them and wondered about the next year. Time will keep on passing. The moment of me writing this will be gone. I don't want to be a part of this painful world any more, I don't want to contribute more pain and I can't take any away (from my brother). I can't help him. If I can't help him then what reason is there for me to live?

Nothing positive can happen in 2018 and my soothing mechanisms of self harm and respite in hospital aren't going to be things that I can use very often, if at all, any more. The future is more hopeless than the past and the present.

nonperson 31-12-2017 06:40 PM

Sometimes you just have to do things that you just really don't want to. Maybe if you just try something, anything... instead of deciding that there is nothing for you, you might find that you enjoy it. But the point is to keep trying. If everything you can think of doing seems dull and pointless then try doing the things that you were even quicker to dismiss.

I'm totally guilty of doing this as well,being a pessimist and deciding that I won't like things before I've even tried them... so, yes I am a hypocrite and completely know how hard it is to do new things...

Yes there is lots of pain in the world and I really doubt that you are the cause of it. Ultimately everyone is responsible for their own happiness and that includes your brother. You will undoubtedly cause him a whole lot more pain if you were to kill yourself. But I suppose that doesn't matter because you won't be around to see it?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to be mean but I keep reading the same things in your posts. You have a support network of people who are trying to help you and who are making suggestions but nothing will work if you won't give anything a try. And so what if you find you don't like it or it's too soon or too hard - that's fine because nothing is permanent and there will always be other things to try. You can always take a step back if you find things too difficult.

one_step_closer 31-12-2017 07:49 PM

I always try the things my treatment team suggest. I have been looking for voluntary work for quite a while but it falls through a lot, people don't get back to me and things. I go to the gym with my support assistant and am going to be trying to move on to the gym group soon. I really do try but it's hard to commit to things like volunteering when I have no interest because it's kind of like a job and people will therefore be annoyed if it doesn't work out. I just let people down whatever I do. I'm always failing. I'm not good at tolerating emotional pain and I don't know of any helpful coping strategies despite years of therapy etc, I just avoid things and run away. I am weak and pathetic, I know.

Sketchy 31-12-2017 07:51 PM

I have no useful advice, but I do have Hugs. *hugs*

Try to be kinder to yourself. You deserve kindness.

nonperson 31-12-2017 08:13 PM

You are really not weak and pathetic. You're just very very hard on yourself!

You probably know more coping strategies that you realise. Maybe you just need to be in the right position to be able to use them effectively...

Volunteering is not like a job and the people that run it know that it won't suit everyone so if it doesn't work out for you they're not going to be annoyed or anything. There will be plenty of other people to fill that role instead. I honestly think you just need to find the right thing and, even if it's not something you think you'd be interested in, you might be surprised and find it is something you enjoy after all.

For example, I took a break from uni and was forced to take a job I really didn't want to do in the meantime... and basically I enjoyed it so much it's now what I do for a proper living. No one ever saw it coming, especially me.

I'm just saying, you've got to keep trying and it's really good that you do keep taking your treatment team's advice. However if you go around expecting to fail or to annoy people then that is what will happen. Step back from any pre-conceptions. There is no pressure other than what you put on yourself so... as said above, be kinder to yourself.

Also I'm really am not meaning to sound horrible. In actual fact I should be taking my own advice so I do understand.

one_step_closer 31-12-2017 08:13 PM

Thank you. The truth is I don't deserve any support. I should discharge myself from all services. I should kill myself tonight. I have had a shower and my hair is wet and that is enough of a protective factor for now to stop me going out and doing something risky, I am weak and pathetic. What would even be lost for the world if I was dead? The answer is not much. Chester is dead. I can't get relief from music. I hear his voice and think about how he doesn't exist any more. I know my brother would think about me not existing. I do not know how to cope with life. I can't fix things for my brother and I can't be strong enough to support him. I remember one of my previous psychiatrists saying I need to stop seeing self destruction as an option. A nurse said commit to something in life for one year. I fight against life because I'm not strong enough to deal with the hurt. I don't think I can grasp life and I don't want to float along for years being electrocuted by negative emotions. The only solution is suicide. Lots of people get it right. I am far too weak to handle adult life.

one_step_closer 31-12-2017 08:14 PM

Just saw your reply nonperson, thank you.

nonperson 31-12-2017 08:22 PM


Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4149281)
What would even be lost for the world if I was dead? The answer is not much.

You would be lost. You're a valid human being and deserve to be alive! Every single person in this world is important - you just can't see your value


Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4149281)
Chester is dead. I can't get relief from music. I hear his voice and think about how he doesn't exist any more.

I also think this... but his music has even more meaning to it now.

There is a lot of other music out there if you can't listen to him any more.

one_step_closer 31-12-2017 08:46 PM

I don't want to do this. I probably look like a stubborn attention seeking idiot who won't do anything to help herself. I feel really hopeless about everything. There is no point. I phoned crisis but couldn't bring myself to talk. I need to at least withdraw from everyone and imagine myself out of existence until I can get rid of my physical body. So low.

Sketchy 31-12-2017 09:58 PM

Could you try phoning crisis again? I know it’s hard, but they are there to help you. Would writing it down make it easier?

Zurg 01-01-2018 07:18 PM

I can understand why it is hard to not see self destruction as a valid solution to problems. I struggle with this myself. The thing is that something has to change because you are not happy. I sometimes ask myself when i get scared of trying someting if it can possibly gte any worse than it already is. The answer is often, surprisingly, no, it can't really get any worse.

If appointments and phonecalls and stuff fall through and get cancelled then your cpn or support worker (sorry, i can't remember if you have one) should really step up their game and help you with that. I did voulnteer work for a while and found it boosted my self esteem enough to try other things. I worked in a pet shop where i fed the rodents and bunnies and cleaned the fish tanks. There wasn't much interaction with the full time staff which was perfect for me what with being quite weird and socially awkward, heh.

Anyways, it easy to imgaine all sorts of nightmares and to catastrophise every attempt at changing your life. However, the reality is nowhere near as bad as all the scenarios you can make up in your head. You find something, try it out while explaining that you can't commit right away and then you see if it is somehting you like. And if it's not, then on to the next adventure!!!!!

Lindsay, most places people will be used to all sorts of people coming through. Even if things won't work out i can guarantee you that you will not be the most terrible person they have encountered. And trying something out only for you to find it it isn,t for you is a completely ok thing to do.

one_step_closer 01-01-2018 08:14 PM

Thank you both. I do think that whatever I try in my life will make it worse, I can barely breathe emotionally as it is and I fear being suffocated by life pressures. I know I need to be taking small steps while I am allowed this opportunity, I worry a lot that someone will decide that I have to come off benefits and get a job before I'm ready and I don't have the chance to build up to work.

I just really don't want to live any more. I've already done all my looking after other people and education and stuff, I don't want any more of that (I hope that doesn't sound horrible as I do care about people). I've done my fair share of parenting when I was a child and a teenager and a younger adult. Nothing in life is fulfilling. Life isn't fulfilling for a lot of people so why should my life be any different? I can't cope with anything. I just need this to end. I'm trying not to do anything too publicly risky as I've already caused enough trauma and mess to the world.

one_step_closer 02-01-2018 12:53 PM

I think the only solution is to kill myself. But I can't find the brain energy required to really think about a foolproof plan. I can't keep feeling this way, I can't tolerate it. I need to die. Everything is far too much for me to cope with and I barely have anything to cope with. I don't see an answer other than death. I have to find the focus to get it right.

Sketchy 02-01-2018 01:28 PM

Try phoning crisis please. It’s important you stay safe. There is help out there. Keep talking to us.

one_step_closer 02-01-2018 04:00 PM

I don't want to stay safe though. Every day confirms more and more that life is too much for me. I keep reading that most suicide attempts are unsuccessful and can lead to injury and that puts me off but I don't want to feel so bad any more. There is no other way out. The crisis team don't start till 5pm and they're usually busy out on visits until at least 6.30pm. I really want whatever power it takes to kill myself, no one can help me deal with life and I can't do it myself.

Sketchy 02-01-2018 04:07 PM

Phone crisis as soon as they start. Or phone the cmht now and ask to speak to the duty person. You need and deserve help. Please reach out.

tamobhuuta 02-01-2018 08:36 PM

How are you getting on? I hope you are safe.

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