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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Cacoethes 18-01-2020 05:19 PM

Just wanted to pop in and say I don't think you are attention seeking AT ALL.
It's quite clear that the pain you are feeling is very real and you don't deserve to suffer like this
Sending love

one_step_closer 18-01-2020 06:26 PM

Thank you both.

It's just that because I exist I can affect anyone negatively and that is bad enough. I shouldn't exist. I never even said anything to her that could have been considered attention seeking and I'm always asking how she is and focusing on what is going on for her. We rarely talk about me. I'm thinking of unblocking her so I can get abuse from her, it's what I deserve. I need to find an easy way to cause good physical damage to myself.

tamobhuuta 18-01-2020 08:23 PM

You don't cause me pain. I like talking to you in the Distraction thread. I wish I was more help.

Soft Kitty 18-01-2020 09:44 PM

It's good to set boundaries as to how people treat you. It was the right choice to block her - it doesn't feel like it perhaps because it's unfamiliar and I so hope you don't unblock her. I don't know why she's saying what she's saying because it's frankly untrue and much more about her than about who you are as an individual. Attention-seeking as a concept is on the whole a right old crock anyway.

You're lovely, and we're all glad you exist here. If you couldn't affect anyone 'negatively' then you wouldn't be here to affect so many people positively either and that would be really rubbish.

Darkwings44 18-01-2020 09:54 PM

I totally agree with you soft kitty and one step closer I don’t want anything bad happen to you *hugs you* <3

one_step_closer 19-01-2020 10:21 AM

Thank you all. I know I do positive things too and I wouldn't want to take the good things I do away. I HATE MYSELF FOR ACKNOWLEDGING ANYTHING OK ABOUT ME. Life and relationships are so complicated and I really don't want any close relationships. I hope I can actively push people away if they try to get close to me. I'm happy with the sort of distant friendships with the people at the gym group and professional relationships. And online friendships of course. It just really hurts to know that there are people out there who hate me, especially since I haven't done anything wrong.

I'm getting very, very stressed about my PIP review and my benefits in general. I'll likely have done something wrong and be accused of fraud and have to pay lots back and then everything will fall apart. I don't trust myself. Is there a way to just come off benefits and see how you get on without any questions being asked? I think I should come off PIP anyway and see if I can manage with just ESA, but then I know my ESA would likely be affected if I come off PIP. I don't know if I meet the criteria for PIP any more, the criteria are so specific and don't reflect most of the things I do struggle with. I spend my benefits on stupid stuff as well as stuff I need so if they look at my bank account they'll be angry. Most people on benefits still struggle for money but I don't which makes me think I've done something very wrong. I am so hugely worried.

Soft Kitty 19-01-2020 12:55 PM

Benefits stuff is enormously stressful and I think a lot of us can relate to how destabilising it is. I don't know what the new PIP forms say but you can't predict changes they'll make in their wording. You can't be punished for filling in the old form by the parameters they gave.

The forms still aren't really easy to fill in if you have mental health difficulties. I think it's best to just fill it in as you can and give as much extra info as you can around how your mental health affects you. And definitely get your CPN's support with it.

I think benefits assessments ramp up anxiety hugely and there can be elements of paranoia finding their way in there too when the stress levels get too high. You could come off benefits without any questions being asked but I don't think that would be the best thing to do. You need support with this, emotionally and practically.

I know it's easy for me to say, but this will be okay.

one_step_closer 19-01-2020 01:08 PM

Thank you. I hope the person who is helping me fill in the form knows about MH and how to word things. The last person was great when I was appealing the decision to not give me PIP, the way she filled in the form led to them cancelling the appeal and letting me have PIP. She also saw how distressed I am in public/with people and mentioned on the form that ideally a face to face interview shouldn't be conducted. I hope the new person suggests this again or I remember to ask about it myself. Although maybe if I can't explain myself on the form my distress would show them the things that words can't.

I will talk to my CPN about it tomorrow if I have time. I haven't had an appointment with her for a while so there might be quite a bit to cover. I have mentioned it on my list of things that has been happening that I have written for her. Maybe she would write something for me. I usually get a letter from my psychiatrist but my current one doesn't know me that well, and also I don't know how to spell his name!

I hope everything will be ok. I know that things usually eventually work out even if there is a lot of stress to get to that point. But I was wearing my Zox wristband today that says 'you're going to be okay' and somehow I've lost it which might be a sign that I'm not going to be ok.

Soft Kitty 20-01-2020 03:55 PM

How did it go with your CPN today? How are you doing?

I don't think losing your Zox band is a sign that you're not going to be okay. Maybe a sign that you need a new one? Anna maybe some extra messages in the meantime, perhaps dotted around your house? Here's one to start with: you're going to be okay <3

one_step_closer 20-01-2020 06:33 PM

Thank you.

My CPN had been off for a bit and said she did phone me back and left a message but I didn't get it. It was hard to describe things again. I have a limited vocabulary and there are no words in the world to describe some things. I tried to talk about meds but as I thought my CPN said there are no meds that will help only psychology but psychology are too risk averse to take me on. It doesn't help that I can't explain what I want meds to help with. I don't think I could have a discussion with my psychiatrist about meds now that my CPN has said a definite no. She wants me to go to the gym group this week and said I'll have Friday and the weekend to rest. She doesn't understand the impact of things on each day for 3/4 days in a row. I'm not seeing her for a while again because she still has lots more holiday time to take. She did say I could see another CPN but I said I'll just try to phone someone if I need to.

I need to get on with overdosing. I hope I will do it at the end of the week. My other forms of self harm are not enough. My CPN thinks my self harm is serious because of the things I try to do even though I don't cause much damage but trying isn't enough for me.

Soft Kitty 20-01-2020 06:41 PM

I'm glad that your CPN left you a message. It's a shame you didn't get it, but it's encouraging that she did take you seriously and try to make contact with you.

What do you find the impact to be 3/4 days in a row? Maybe writing it here will help if you want to? You would be very welcome.

I wonder why you said you wouldn't see another CPN given that you know you would struggle to phone... that's definitely not a telling off, I'm just wondering if it's something to be curious about as perhaps you could have done with the extra support?

It's hard to feel like any self-harm, or anything really, is enough when you're in so much distress. I can understand. You have been so brave with delaying overdosing, can you think of any negatives about overdosing? I really hope you can keep fighting those thoughts as you deserve better than something horrible like that.

one_step_closer 20-01-2020 06:55 PM

Thank you.

After a number of days in a row of activities I feel really overwhelmed and sort of shut down a bit and/or avoid things. It's hard to explain, it just sounds like I'm lazy. The people who came from crisis yesterday seemed to understand though and said that some people wouldn't be able to do the 3 days of activities that I have planned so not going to the gym group as the 4th day should be ok. I will try to go anyway if I can.

I think I said no to seeing another CPN because I don't want people to have to do additional work for me. My support worker is on placement as a student for now which is why my CPN offered for me to see another CPN because I won't have input from my support worker in between appointments with my CPN. My mouth just said no it's ok. My CPN asked three times in a row if I wanted to see someone else, I think she was maybe saying that she wanted me to see someone else, but my mouth just kept saying no it's ok. I knew at the time I probably wouldn't phone anyone and I think my CPN knew that too but I usually just say I will.

I can think of so many negatives of overdosing which is a big part of why I haven't done it so far. I need one more amount of X to make it enough to be an overdose and I've been making sure I don't have that final amount at home so I don't have enough to overdose on. I especially don't want people to hate me if I have to go to A&E and they're busy. It's about time I properly punished myself though.

Soft Kitty 21-01-2020 10:33 AM

That's completely understandable about the activities and doesn't sound lazy at all. I would struggle with that as well. When a lot of your challenges are about coping with being around people, being around people is exhausting. It's okay to take the fourth day to yourself if you need to, though I hope you get the support of the gym group if that feels right.

When does your CPN take her leave? Do you think it would be possible to leave a message for her to say that you maybe would like an appointment with another CPN? It might be easier to phone for your CPN and ask for this than wait until you're feeling more distressed.

I wonder if you could make an agreement with yourself, if you find yourself buying tablets to overdose, that you could try calling for help if you feel like you're going to take them?

one_step_closer 21-01-2020 04:50 PM

I don't know when my CPN is off, she has lots of random days off dotted about. I don't know if I can phone her and I probably don't need to be seeing anyone else anyway. I'm still having visits from crisis one day at the weekends even though a lot of the time they don't let me talk about how I'm feeling.

It would depend who was on crisis/whatever if I'd go through with talking to someone if I was planning on overdosing. I'd also need to be brave enough to phone in the first place. I really shouldn't be protecting myself anyway. But I'm so worried because there was more stuff on Fb today about A&E being so busy and think before you attend etc. I might be fine if I just don't go to A&E anyway.

I was out seeing my brother today and sitting on my own worrying about the benefits stuff and I did a public head punch and made quiet stupid noises. I mostly control that stuff outside but I'm so distressed right now. I don't think my CPN will write me a letter of support. I don't think I fit the criteria for PIP now anyway, they just don't reflect MH difficulties. I'm fine with coming off it except that then my ESA would likely be questioned. And I just don't want to have done something wrong and have to pay back loads of money. I will have done something wrong because I am such an idiot.

I'm also feeling really low and hopeless partly because of my CPN saying no meds will help. I was expecting her to say that, I think I've tried to discuss meds before with her. I want to talk to my psych about meds but don't know if I can now. There is just something so fundamental and general inside me mood wise that makes things so difficult and meds have helped in the past I think. I am on an antidepressant and antipsychotic and I have tried so many other antidepressants and antipsychotics and other meds but I keep wishing there would be some kind of combination that suits me. It's hard to feel like life is just torture. I said to my CPN that life is just about trying to cope and that I really don't think I could cope with anything additional and just want to try and manage things the way they are now. She said life isn't just about coping and there can be good things. She thinks if I showed myself compassion I'd be able to move forward with my recovery but THAT IS A HUGE NO. Any moving forward will make things worse anyway, I know it. I want the courage to kill myself.

tamobhuuta 21-01-2020 05:04 PM

Massive hugs. Caring for yourself is the right thing to do. You DO deserve better.

Soft Kitty 22-01-2020 05:47 PM

I'm really short on words today but I wanted to check in with toy and see how you are? I agree with tamo.

one_step_closer 22-01-2020 06:57 PM

Thank you both. My head feels heavy, full, painful, and tired. I just want to give up on life. I want to do something really self destructive and I'm sick of myself for not doing anything. I have no energy right now and I keep thinking about if I had to go to hospital and would then get less sleep and would feel awful. Such an excuse. I really want my self harming abilities to go back to how they used to be. When I was causing some good damage and when I was overdosing 1-3 times a month.

I went to Money Matters to get help filling in my PIP form today. The advisor basically just wrote 'no change' for all the questions. She said I might still be asked to go for an assessment but I really hope not. With the mobility question I was worried about she said it does reflect my difficulties it just isn't worded well for MH stuff so that was a relief.

I'm so tired of battling life but I know it can't get any better only worse. I know I keep saying that.

I'll need to try hard to make it to the gym group tomorrow.

one_step_closer 22-01-2020 07:24 PM

One of my friends is dead. She was in hospital so I'm guessing she killed herself. I can't stop crying. Why is life all about suffering until people eventually kill themselves?

Soft Kitty 22-01-2020 07:36 PM

I'm so sorry about your friend, that must have come as a big shock, especially with how you're feeling at the moment. Life isn't all about suffering, or it shouldn't be. There is hope goes less suffering as long as we're alive. Maybe pain will always be a part of life but it isn't what life is about. People can have good lives even with mental health difficulties.

Are you feeling safe at the moment? Do you think you might need to talk to someone tonight or would that add extra stress?

Cacoethes 22-01-2020 07:46 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that Lindsay
We're here for you

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