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Soft Kitty 13-01-2020 06:17 PM

I hope it's not annoying to say and I know your experience is your individual one, but I relate so much to your post just now. I'm so sorry things are such a battle.

I wondered how it would be to take yourself seriously? You're in such pain and find it difficult to be heard by others, understandably, but you also undermine yourself by suggesting that you're fine because you're not doing anything 'serious'? It doesn't seem like you're fine. I wondered what it would be like for you to acknowledge that how you feel is really serious, and perhaps that you need to be kinder to yourself? That's not a judgement, more of an observation.

I know being kind to yourself feels excruciating but what about going through the motions of it?

It's just a thought and it might not work, it's a tricky situation when you feel like you only deserve pain... it's just that maybe that causes more pain and adds to the sense of things being totally overwhelming.

one_step_closer 13-01-2020 07:45 PM

Thank you. It's not annoying at all to say you can relate, I'm sorry that things are difficult for you too. My previous psychologist said to me that he was at some kind of arts thing about MH and the people were describing things the way that I had described things to him, he asked me how that made me feel. I said it made me feel sad that other people feel similarly and he asked if it made me feel better because I wasn't alone but the answer was not really. I wouldn't wish this level of distress on anyone, but I guess it is good to know that some people can understand me.

My previous psychologist also said to me that he thinks 'judgement' is a defining term for me in that I feel like everyone judges me negatively and that I also am always judging myself. That's true. I don't really know how to be kinder to myself or even just accept that I am having a really horrible time. Although I suppose writing that means I am acknowledging it. I have such strong self hate and am so emotionally vulnerable that I can't seem to give myself a break or believe it when other people give me a break. I'm always thinking that other people are thinking the worst of me because I think the worst of me and because they can't see inside me how much I am fighting and I think it looks on the outside like I'm just lazy and making excuses.

When I try to be kind to myself I usually just get really annoyed with myself and fight back and say horrible stuff. I could try to acknowledge more neutral things though. I do feel a lot of pressure from myself to be self harming as punishment and to protect people and I wonder what it would be like to let go of that because it's very draining. A lot of the time I don't self harm to the extent that I think I should so if I let go of the thought that I need to be self harming 'well' then the outcome would be much the same as when I hold onto the thought anyway - I'd self harm to the same extent most of the time but there would be less mental torture. I don't think I can allow myself that though. I don't deserve it and the men wouldn't be happy. This is what I'm here for, to be tortured.

Soft Kitty 14-01-2020 01:53 PM

I think being kind or even neutral to yourself when you feel you deserve horribleness is a work in progress. Maybe instead of kindness it could be worth trying to recognise when you're calling yourself cruel things or treating yourself unkindly and acknowledging it and trying to put a stop to it for that moment. Kind of like 'fake it til you make it'. Do you know why you feel you're here to be tortured? That sounds like a horrible place to be.

How are you doing today?

one_step_closer 15-01-2020 11:06 AM


I really can't be kind to myself. :( I'm just sitting here at the moment stressing about the day when I don't even have anything to stress about. I'm thinking about how I get to sit here in my house, comfortable, and not under pressure while other people don't have that. It makes me want to beat myself up. I know I really couldn't cope with anything more at the moment and as I said before I am fighting through each day so I know that realistically I am where I need to be but I especially can't help comparing myself to my brother because he is anxious and low but still has to work and see his partner etc. I just want everyone to be ok.

I think I'm here to be tortured because that's all I really know. Plus I did something really terrible when I was a child and it can't be forgiven. I have to punish myself as much as possible. I've been trying a specific form of self harm to cause specific damage but it's not working yet. Other people can do it but I am just pathetic.

I'm pretty sure my CPN isn't going to phone me now. It's a bit upsetting since I had to be so brave to make the call in the first place and I'm scared that this means I can't rely on anyone for help.

tamobhuuta 15-01-2020 01:37 PM

There is nothing so bad that you can't be forgiven, I promise.

Indigo. 15-01-2020 09:51 PM

You're not pathetic. And I don't believe you deserve to be punished. Punitive measures should only be meant for people who refuse to repent and/or change for the better. It sounds to me like you are trying your best to be a good person and you want people to be okay. You are good!

Also, children don't have the same level of responsibility or understanding of morality and consequences as adults do. I understand that you blame yourself but you shouldn't. Objectively speaking.

I'm sorry your CPN hasn't called back yet. I know it feels like that means you can't depend on her, but you shouldn't make that judgement based only on this situation. Has your CPN been there for you before?

How are you coping tonight? X

one_step_closer 16-01-2020 11:51 AM

Thank you both.

I know good people do bad things, and as a child I didn't know I was doing a bad thing and would never do anything like it as an adult. I just feel incredibly guilty though and it plagues me every single day. I care about everyone, those who I know and those I don't and I don't want to cause pain to anyone. Humans cause pain to each other without even meaning to a lot of the time and that makes me want to stay away from people so they can't be hurt by me. I would never deliberately hurt someone but people can be hurt by neutral words or actions or hurt when I'm unable to engage properly.

I'm avoiding the gym group again. Today is much better than last Thursday but I feel so unable to do people stuff. It doesn't help that the group is at 1pm and I only have motivation in the morning that is used up quickly. I've said I'll try again to make it next week. The people at the group are texting me and say it would be good to see me, I'm letting them down and I don't understand why people like me. Does anyone have any advice about how I could make it to the group next week?

My CPN didn't call back the last two times I phoned. Maybe this time she thought I wouldn't need her to because I had seen my support worker on Monday and the last time she was only at work for 2 days and might not have had time. She is generally really, really good. It has further put me off trying to phone in the future though. I'm seeing her on Monday and I hope it goes well. I have been copying things from here and from my diary so I can print them out and show them to her. I do this most of the time.

Soft Kitty 16-01-2020 12:51 PM

Do you ever draw or make collages or clay figures? You don't have to be good at art to get a lot out of visual expression if words don't feel like they communicate enough. I think you've mentioned before that you have a tough time visualising things so maybe this wouldn't work for you. I feel like maybe at one time you were interested in writing/poetry or perhaps I made that up? I'm just wondering about other ways you can express yourself.

I hope you can ask your CPN about how come she didn't phone back and say how you feel about it. You took a lot of courage to call. I hope she will be able to offer an explanation or some reassurance.

Re: the gym group, maybe it would help to go out of the house and already be in town doing something nice like reading in a coffee shop or chilling out in the library before you head over? There is a reason people like you :) Is it mainly a motivational issue which prevents you getting to the gym or are there thoughts and feelings going around you?

one_step_closer 16-01-2020 01:15 PM


I have a MH scrapbook but I haven't done anything in it for a while. It's mostly just some of my poems with various bits stuck on. I would like to get back into poetry and my scrapbook and when I'm writing in my diary I see things and think they would be good within a poem but I never get round to it. It feels like a huge task.

I don't think I'm brave enough to mention my CPN not phoning back unless she mentions it. I didn't say anything the last time. She probably has good reasons as she knows that when I phone I really need support.

When I do get to the gym group I get there early to get changed and I sit in the cafe in the leisure centre and read for a while. The local Costa is a nice place to read but someone I know goes there every day and she's really intense so I try to avoid her. The library is ok but I can't focus well there and get anxious that people are looking at me etc. I think it's mostly to do with lack of motivation because I do like the people and I do like the group once I'm there. Part of it is also that we'll be doing circuits again and I'm anxious about some of the group exercises the instructor might decide we have to do. I do have the option to alter them slightly or skip exercises though. I have to go home on the bus with a couple of people and one of them used to bully me with her friend. These two people are really close and always together and it kind of makes me feel like I'm back at school and even more worried about how I'm being perceived. It's not their fault, they are both really nice people in the here and now, it's just hard to let go of memories and anxieties.

Soft Kitty 16-01-2020 01:24 PM

Ah that's good that you go to the café at the gym. Is there anything else you might enjoy doing nearby to help to get out on a morning?

It's okay to say no to doing circuits if you don't enjoy them. That's your boundary and choice. I'm glad there's an alternative.

Maybe it would be worth making a list of things that are enjoyable and valuable about going to the gym group, even if it's only two or three things, and keeping it on your bathroom mirror or somewhere you're likely to see it.

one_step_closer 16-01-2020 04:15 PM

I usually do a bit of household shopping in the morning but it doesn't use up a lot of time. It's the same with most of the things I do. By the time it gets to the afternoon I've lost all motivation to do anything else with my day and I also feel less able to be around people. The weather doesn't help either when I'm home in the warm and it's raining and windy outside. I'm just going to have to try and get back into a routine with going to the group. The worker/my key worker was meeting me 15 minutes before the group started before the holidays and she left a message saying she could do that again but I'm not sure how useful it is and I feel awkward because she meets with someone else before me and I end up gatecrashing their meeting.

I just looked out my MH scrapbook and poetry book. :-) Might try and see if I can be creative at some point.

I'm having my PIP reviewed and have to fill in one of those forms. I'm really worried that they'll say I have to pay money back. The way I qualify for the mobility component as explained to me by the person who helped me fill in the form below is different from the way it is explained within PIP and I'm afraid they'll say I was lying since the definitions are different. If that makes sense. I did say when I was awarded PIP that I didn't think the mobility component fit me in the way that they were describing and the lady who helped me fill it in explained how it fits in a different way and said I'd be better not challenging it because they might review my whole benefit again and the care component looked accurate to me. Benefits stuff is ridiculously stressful.

one_step_closer 17-01-2020 01:58 PM

I can't do life. I'm worried about my PIP review and about the pressure to get back to the gym group and it's hard to keep myself occupied too. I read in a past diary that I had written that I've never been relieved/glad to have survived a suicide attempt and that's true and quite sad. I would be fine with having died many years ago. I'm living days that don't exist because I should be dead. There is no pain relief in life. If I'm going to kill myself I'm going to have to push through human anxiety to do something big and certain to kill me. I don't want to be conscious any more.

one_step_closer 17-01-2020 05:29 PM

I don't know how to cope with the whole night ahead. I just want to be asleep but can't mess up my sleep routine. I was thinking that I shouldn't mention medication to my CPN/psych but now I'm really low again and I wish something could be done med wise because it's affecting everything. I want to do some good self harming but I have no energy.

Indigo. 17-01-2020 05:43 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I know it may be hard to see this but the world is better with you in it <3

It's understandable that the PIP review is worrying you, the benefits system isn't very straightforward and it can cause a lot of stress. Are you able to get help filling in the form again?

Re: mobility component, some of the ways the DWP have worded things especially when it comes to PIP, are really not inclusive enough. A lot of it worded as if it's only meant for physical disabilities with no symptom fluctuation and even in that respect it doesn't accurately reflect the ways in which many physical disabilities affect people. You still qualify for it and you've been awarded it already which means they agree that you need it! It's not your fault they are so incredibly shortsighted and they word things in specific ways to even dissuade people from applying. If you explain that things have not changed from before, things should be okay X

When are you next seeing your CPN? Can you try to do something self-soothing & that doesn't require a lot of energy tonight? Reading, perhaps?

one_step_closer 17-01-2020 06:45 PM


Yes I will be getting help from a service that specialises in filling in benefit forms. I've had to fight a lot for my benefits in the past though so I'm really hoping the process is easy enough this time.

I'm seeing my CPN on Monday. I've written some things for her but likely won't get anything across as usual. I don't know how I'm going to manage next week because I have things on Monday-Thursday and Thursday is the gym group which I'm really supposed to go to but that will be harder after having 3 busy-ish days before it.

It's hard to focus on anything right now and I have a headache. Maybe it's because I've had no fizzy juice today and I usually have a 500ml bottle a day so won't have had that caffeine. I was just trying to be a bit healthier. I have allowed myself to take painkillers anyway and will probably just stick to my usual drinks tomorrow. I've been terrible with food today too, I have no motivation to prepare anything. I really don't want to keep on living.

nonperson 17-01-2020 07:12 PM

I'm sure it will be ok if you don't make it to gym group next week after so many busy days before that. You'll still have achieved a lot of other things.

one_step_closer 18-01-2020 11:09 AM

My key worker, who is also the worker who takes the group, wants me to get back next week as I said I would before I got an appointment to fill in the PIP form. I don't know if I can tell her I feel like I've got too much on already. It's really stupid anyway, I'm an adult who should be working 5 days a week and I can't even do a few days in a row of activities that take about 2 hours each maximum.

nonperson 18-01-2020 03:15 PM

Well just see how things go. Other things come up and plans need to be rearranged, I'm sure she'll be fine with that. Take it a day at a time and you never know, you might find that the gym group is doable. If not, it really doesn't matter. There is always next week when things aren't so busy.

There's no "should". You're doing what you're capable of at the moment and that is absolutely fine.

I don't know if you want input about your friend (I read your r/v)... but what she said to you is appalling. Can you take a break from talking to her for a while? You don't deserve to be treated like that and you don't need to accept it just because she is unwell or needs your support. She will have other people who can support her. Please try to put yourself first. I know that isn't easy for you, but you don't need to put yourself through that.

one_step_closer 18-01-2020 03:49 PM

Thank you.

I've blocked my friend on Fb. She said further horrible things. I have honestly no idea why she's doing this since all I've ever done is support her. It hurts that she hates me and believes that I have been an awful friend. Blocking her won't stop what she thinks about me and it makes me really sad that I can affect someone negatively without even doing anything wrong.

Another friend text me asking how I am and I don't even want to be honest and say that I'm not ok, because of this other friend saying I'm probably fine and just attention seeking. I never tell people exactly how terrible I feel, except I do mostly on here, so if I'm being perceived as attention seeking just for saying I'm not doing too good then I should always say I'm absolutely fine. To everyone. If a friend calls me attention seeking and some of the medical profession believe that because of my diagnosis then it must mean that everyone deep down thinks that of me.

I deserve to die. But I don't deserve to die, I deserve to suffer. I will hopefully cause myself some good enough self harm soon as punishment. I hate myself. I can never do anything right.

nonperson 18-01-2020 03:57 PM


Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 4258610)
Blocking her won't stop what she thinks about me and it makes me really sad that I can affect someone negatively without even doing anything wrong.

Which means it isn't your fault and it's all on her. It's her behaviour causing her feelings, not you... if that makes sense. I'm glad you blocked her. Not everyone will be like her though so if you have other friends you can be honest with then please do. I'm sure they won't judge you negatively.

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