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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 12-09-2017 09:02 PM

I'm doing a lot better. Managing to get up in the (late) morning has lifted my mood quite a bit. But my brother isn't doing well and I feel powerless to help him. I can deal with my own pain better than I deal with his. I feel like I shouldn't be ok if he's not. I wish I could take his pain from him and if I couldn't discard it somewhere I'd put it inside myself.

Sketchy 12-09-2017 09:17 PM

It's ok to be ok. I'm glad you are doing a lot better.
I'm sorry about your brother. It must be upsetting and difficult to feel so powerless. I'm sure you are doing what you can and I hope things get better for him.

one_step_closer 18-09-2017 04:50 PM

Feeling like crap again, but not too terrible and still getting up in the morning. Feeling alone although I'm not alone. Still seeing my CPN weekly but that changes to fortnightly after next week. I don't even deserve this support. I'm just over 2 weeks self harm free but don't think I'm going to last much longer and to be honest I don't care. I'm surviving but missing the support of my psychologist and feeling like even support once a week from my CPN isn't enough. I should grow up and stand on my own two feet.

one_step_closer 18-09-2017 07:05 PM

So suicidal. Linkin Park have released an official video for their single One More Light in memory of Chester and I can't stop thinking about how he died and how absolutely awful the experience must have been. So many people kill themselves. Life hurts. Good things are brief in my life, I'm tired of fighting. I just want to hurt myself really badly and then self destruct.

Sketchy 19-09-2017 08:01 PM

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I hope it gets better soon. Is there anything that will help? Can you phone your cpn? Please take care.

Zurg 19-09-2017 09:25 PM

Linds, i realise that this mustall be really hard for you and that Chester's suicide must seem like a sign of sorts but i just wanted to pop in to say that even though life can be a bitch and even though people commit suicide then i really do believe that there is hope. Even when everything seems hopeless and like nothing will ever improve there still is hope.

I really do agree wit Lorraine that you should call someone when your thoughts become very dark and hopeless. I know it is a hard thing to do because we tend to keep telling ourselves thatwe are not really struggling compared to many others and we don't really deserve or need the support. But when thoughts of suicide pop up and they are not challenged then they tend to just sit and fester. And that is a really dangerous thing because before you know it they have become second nature and they seem normal.

I reallydo believe that your life has the potential to get better. It is hard for you to see the same because you have been inside the darkness for so long. But for someone else it is easier to see your poential as a person.

It is hard worrying about relatives. But it shows a lot of love as well. And the love you have for your brother is needed in this world. It always seems like suicide would be the best solution when you've been down for a long time. This is not true. It is a lie that the darkness has been feeding you for just long enough that you've stopped questioning it. Sure, suicide can be a solution but it's not a good one. It's a terrible one!!!!! For everyone.

Keep setting small goals. You have achieved one already by getting up earlier than you normally would. This is progress and it is great!!!!! Allow yourself to feel the success from this victory. Don't try to change everything at once. Then it just backfires and becomes overwhelming. Small goals, one step at a time. And praise yourself when you succeed. Don't dwell on the times when you don't but just try to see it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

What would you like to change/achieve as well????

one_step_closer 20-09-2017 08:22 PM

Thank you both.

I don't like to phone my CPN because it feels like I'm asking too much of her to have an appointment and a phone call with me in the same week. When it gets to the end of my appointments she always tells me to remember I can phone if I need to and if she's not there I can speak to the extended hours team but I find it very hard to get over my initial worries about making the call (which are usually that I won't know how to explain things and I will sound stupid) and as you said Kat I feel like I don't deserve the support and that things aren't serious enough anyway.

I'm so hugely concerned that my brother is following in my footsteps. It's obvious he has depression and anxiety and things just seem to get worse for him with each year that passes. I'm absolutely terrified that he will reach a crisis point and end up stuck in the mental health system like me. My concern is almost obsessional and I ruminate on it multiple times a day. I can't accept how things are in the moment, with my brother and with myself, I am always anticipating the hard times that could be just around the corner. I feel guilty about many bad decisions I made as a child and I think about them over and over again too. I know I was a child and as an adult I would make different choices but I've already caused so much crap for my brother. I continue to ruin his life when I get more unwell and end up in hospital. I'm not sure if I should ask my psychiatrist for another short admission to hospital when I see him next month, the last one seemed to work out ok and prevented a crisis point at the time. It's just hard to know when the best time is to go in as I usually end up there when I have done something to hurt myself but now I've to go in for preventative measures. I don't know when things are bad enough for me to ask for an admission.

I'm getting out of bed at 9.59am now and really feeling tired because of it. I was very tempted to stay in bed this morning but luckily I didn't. I don't know if I will ever be able to get up any earlier, it doesn't matter what I do I always think it's not good enough. I don't know what I want to change or achieve, I really have very little interest in life if any interest at all. Nothing can get better from now it can only get worse.

Sketchy 20-09-2017 08:40 PM

I'm so sorry about your brother. It must be worrying. Does he have support in place?

Don't worry too much about not being able to get up early. Sometimes you just have to adapt to what you can do. I can't get up early either due symptoms and med side effects, but I've learned to accept that. Maybe eventually you will get up early perhaps by gradually getting up earlier but by bit. But don't give yourself a hard time over it.

I can understand why you find it hard making phone calls, but that is what they are there for. Again, don't be so hard in yourself. You are deserving of the support and need it. Reach out.

one_step_closer 21-09-2017 03:52 PM

My brother doesn't have much support, I think he talks to his friends a bit but not much. He's tried counselling and didn't feel comfortable, he's been on antidepressants but stopped them quickly because of the side effects. There's a lot of pressure on him just now financially and he's having to move flat. I'm trying to do what I can for him but it's not enough.

Sketchy 21-09-2017 04:27 PM

I'm sure what you are doing is enough. You sound like a nice caring sister. Do you think he can be persuaded to speak to someone again?

How are you doing today?

one_step_closer 21-09-2017 06:31 PM

I have made a care box for him and written something too encouraging him to seek help and letting him know that I will support him to do this if he wants. We don't get to talk about things much because we always meet in town so have nowhere private to talk. I'll be able to give the things to him at some point next week I think so I'll see what his opinions are.

I am a demon. I absolutely hate myself. I destroyed lives even when I was still in the womb and I continued to do so. I wish I had never been conceived, it would have saved a lot of people a lot of pain. I'm reading the care plans and risk assessments in my hospital notes now. I am perceived negatively and I have acted in stupid ways. I can't stop requesting my hospital records even though they upset me because I need to know what people's opinions of me are. I hope that they can't refuse to let me see my notes if they know how much they upset me.

I self harmed multiple times yesterday and multiple times today but it's not enough.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Spoiler for the film The Butterfly Effect
I want to do a Butterfly Effect and go back and kill myself in the womb.

Sketchy 21-09-2017 06:42 PM

You are such a thoughtful sister. Which means you can't be a demon. I'm sorry you are feeling that way. Maybe putting aside the hospital notes would be a good idea. I know it's hard though.

Can you try contacting your cpn?

What has helped you not self harm in the past?

Sketchy 21-09-2017 06:44 PM

Also, is there anything you can do to be safe? What helps distract from these thoughts? Tell your cpn what you have said here.

one_step_closer 21-09-2017 07:36 PM


I really don't want to be safe, I want to push myself over the edge completely. I don't know how to end this life in a sure foolproof way which means I am most likely safe anyway. I might try and phone my CPN tomorrow.

Sketchy 21-09-2017 08:41 PM

Phoning your cpn is a good idea. I hope you get the help you need.

one_step_closer 22-09-2017 07:56 PM

I didn't phone my CPN. I wasn't sure if this was a bank holiday or not and I know I could have just phoned and found out if she was there but I convinced myself not to. I don't feel able to phone the voluntary crisis team tonight either, I will be fine anyway. I always am. My friend asked if I've got any planned admissions coming up, I don't know if I should ask my psychiatrist about this when I see him in a couple of weeks. If I get through the next 2 weeks and see him, which I likely will, then it will show that I'm at least coping ok i.e. I'm not dead so everyone will think I just want to be in hospital because it's so fun (sarcastic).

A while ago (don't know how long as I'm not very good at judging passing time) I noticed that one of the catches that secures the hatch to my loft isn't connected. I'm worried that someone is in my loft. My front and back doors are locked the majority of the time but if it's something other worldly like the men that is in the loft it wouldn't need the doors to be unlocked to get in. I was going to secure the hatch but if there's something up there it will get angry and make lots of noise to try and get out and I will be terrified. I don't know what to do.

Sketchy 22-09-2017 09:13 PM

Why don't you get a friend round to help you check the loft. It's probably nothing, but might be good to put your mind at ease.

Do you think you could make plans for the weekend to keep yourself distracted?

UnanimousAnonymous 22-09-2017 09:58 PM

I agree with getting someone to come round and check the loft with you so that you can then at least lock it and put your mind at rest.
I'm sorry I'm low on words at the moment but I think of you often.

one_step_closer 24-09-2017 04:46 PM

Thank you both. I only have 2 friends who could help me check and they both have MH problems and would probably become anxious/paranoid if I told them what was going on. I think I'm just going to have to secure the loft and hope for the best. I worry because I have tinnitus and cats so if there was noise I may not know if it's an abnormal noise or if it's just a change in my tinnitus or the cats.

Sketchy 25-09-2017 07:58 PM

How did you get on?
How are you feeling today?

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