epic fail.
i cut.
:crying:

had been thinking about it all day. so drained.

sorry..................

updated r/v...

damnit, really want to cut again. :'( it's not supposed to be this way...

*cuddles april* not an epic fail... it was just a slip up.

*cuddles crimson* i've been cutting nearly every day for a few weeks now... that's not a slip up. :( i feel like i'm spiralling downward and what's worse is, i lied to my new therapist already. why can't things be easier?!?! :crying:

sorry...... :'(

*cuddles april* I'm reading your r/v and what you post in here hun. I wish i had something really useful to say. Can you maybe tell your therapist the truth about your cutting the next time you see them? Do you think that would help? Also, maybe you could ask them about extra support through texting or email or something? But as Crimson said, you are not an epic fail.

*hugs crimson* how r u doing? I'm sorry you didn't get to go to the concert.

*hugs mark*

*cuddles laura* thanks for the support, love. it means a lot - all of the support i've gotten from all of you. i'm sorry i don't express that more. it's more support than i get irl. so yeah. anyway... i need to be honest to my therapist, yeah, and tell her that i lied about the frequency of the cutting out of fear (or maybe just leave off the "out of fear" bit and just tell her that i cut more frequently than i had been, i don't know). i... feel so stupid. i just cut again, not badly. stupid stupid girl. :'( this is not how it's supposed to be... not not not.

jarrod is finally coming to terms with the fact that si is an addiction. that makes it easier on me, since he's not so upset whenever i do "slip up" or whatever you want to call this... :-S of course, it also lets me slip up/whatever more frequently since i'm not scared of his reactions anymore............. :'(

today's been a stereotypical monday... i'm drained. and i don't really wanna go home. tired of working on a room getting cleaned up all day to have it destroyed as soon as i leave the room. not that the work itself takes all day per room but it takes me all day to do all of it. i can't wait till the 3rd of july... mil is moving to house sit for 2 months and will hopefully take v with her. b texted last night to ask when j was coming to get her stuff (she left out the warning that if it wasn't gone in a week i was donating it to the women's shelter though)... i dunno if she got an answer.
*shrug*
on the other hand i'm kind of excited about the kits getting weaned in a couple more weeks. i love how thor's cage turned out. i had to repair some of the wiring and i put in a blanket on the bottom of the cage so his feet would be ok and not get caught in the wire, put in a litter box, attached a hay feeder, put in a food bowl and water bottle and added a little igloo for him to hide in when he's scared. i think he'll like it. it's also bigger than the cage he has now with his mum and sister. we'll see though
so to answer how i am... drained but excited but yet still grr argh ish. >.> if that makes sense.
how are you laura?

*cuddles april* i don't have any pearls of wisdom today. but i do believe even if it's every day that you cut it is a slip up since you are trying not to.

*offers more cuddles to april* Its no problem at all hun. I think you should try to tell your therapist about the cutting. Its good that jarrod is understanding that SI is an addiction, but well.. to be honest.. it probably still upsets him that you have to do it. Being tolerant of slip ups is very good though... and I think that you should think of this as a slip up because that means you can recover from it, which i know that you can. Just don't give up trying.

*hugs crimson* heh sounds like you've got a lot of emotions going on right now. I'm glad that things might settle down a little at home in july. Also, that cage sounds like it will be a good home for him lol, i like that you added an igloo.

I'm trying to be okay. Doing a lot of thinking and listening to music. Might try to write some out later... Ive been spending a lot of time alone though, which isn't horrible yet, but could turn out to be that way... we'll see i guess. I don't really feel like being around too many people, but I want to be social at the same time. heh im confusing.

i spy a laura!! *cuddles*

i feel really rubbish... tried to do a dungeon tonight with some friends on wow... was too anxious to do hardly anything even though i took my prn klonopin. damn it all... :( cutting down on the neurontin probably wasn't a wise idea, from 1200mg/day to 600mg/day in 3 days... yeah. i'm stupid. definitely. :-X

yeah, my si probably still upsets jarrod, but he doesn't show it as much anymore because he knows that it doesn't help me at all knowing he's upset. does that make sense? and i guess it's kind of a defense mechanism, my "pretending" that he's not upset anymore. :-/

i still feel like ****. my np told me to "go to the nearest hospital. NOW." to quote. and i said, "i can't. i will be fine." so yeah... am a little upset tonight... just a little. :-/

yeah a lot of emotions sums it up quite well :) after i got his home set up i wanted to put him in it early lol i think he'd be ok weaning him early too since he eats from his mums bowl but better safe than sorry has him still with his mum till july 1 minimum. and then to work on getting dagda and freya to be friends so they can be caged together when she's old enough*nods* july is going to be a good month if all goes well.

i totally understand the not wanting to be around people but wanting to be social thing too. only confusing to those who've never been there :)

*cuddles april* i'll catch up on your r/v thread when i'm not so ick... sorry.

sorry i'm being so self-absorbed tonight... :(

*hides in a hole in the warren*

feel guilty...

*hugs april* don't feel guilty. You deserve support as much as everyone else. Do you think you should tell someone about your cutting down on your meds? And yea that makes sense about jarrod. :-/
I wish I could offer more advice hun. I think that you should tell your therapist about things though... You still working on applying to res places?

*hugs crimson* Glad someone can understand what i was saying lol. The lots of emotions thing is hard sometimes, not always bad.. but hard.

*Hugs April* A blip is a blip even if it happens to be a prolonged blip , it happens to us all. It's good that Jarrod has realised/is realising S.I. is an addiction.

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Crimson*Am glad you will have less people to look after soon , and WHAT? are you going to do with all those Kits? . It sounds like a nice cage you made for the male? igloo and all.

*Hugs Kahlia*

wow it's been quiet here... usually there are a ton of posts overnight. :-/ hope everyone's okay...

laura *cuddles* i don't know if i should tell someone about my cutting down on my meds, just because as soon as they come in the mail i'll pop 'em back up to 1200mg/day. :-S but at the same time... well, i don't know. it's neurontin (gabapentin) which is used for nerve pain but in my case is used for anxiety... so i don't think it could be contributing to my feeling lower/cutting more. :-/ (i don't know if you had that in mind or not, it was just something that popped into my mind just now.) anyway... i don't know. i could "get in trouble" - i.e., make my np angry with me for not being more responsible about ordering meds on time. i'm always, always late with them and it's so frustrating to me especially!! :( anyway... yep, am still working on applying to res places. i've half the packet for mercy filled out, and then i need to start on the other two places. thing is, i need to sign release forms for the hospitals i went to, and that means having the time to go to them... so yeah. :-/ needless to say, no fun!!

oh, and i understand about the whole wanting-to-be-around-people / not-wanting-to-be-around-people thing... i have that same thing going on in my head most of the time. stupid social anxiety. :( *huggles*

*cuddles crimson* sorry i didn't reply to you much yesterday... hopefully people will move out of your house that "don't belong there" and you will have more peace & quiet... hehe. the cage you made for thor sounds awesome... :D i'm so glad that you (might have?) managed to get away from your head for a bit whilst working on making it a comfy home for him. :) that's so cool. i love doing stuff for/with my pets... as long as it's not 24/7 care like my parents' old dog needed. especially if it's positive things. :)

oh oh, and how long has it been since you've logged in to runetotem on wow? just wondering as i've left my pally there at level 22 but if you're on sometime and i am and my raf (refer-a-friend) priest is (jarrod would have to be willing to play on her), we could do something together, dunno what though. and how's leveling lurial going? how much time do you usually get to play? my mage on silvermoon (firesoul) is stuck at level 30 (haha) but my druid went up from level 36 to level 42 yesterday, thanks to jarrod powerleveling her and my raf priesty on that server. :D lol. so now i have a boomkin. :) anyway... sorry for the wow-talk... hope no non-wow-player minds...

*cuddles mark* how are you doing, love? managing okay alone at the flat? (don't mean to sound condescending, just a bit worried about you) thanks for the encouragement regarding my si, and crimson, you as well, i appreciate it a lot - i really do. :) i miss your emails... although i haven't yet checked this morning to see if you've emailed. i also miss chatting with you... *hugs*

i'm listening to "fragile" by delta goodrem - posted it a few pages back - good song. :) it really sums up how i feel right now... so thankful that i stumbled across it on youtube. i think i'mma have to order a delta goodrem cd sometime!!

slept okay last night although dreamt about wow. grrrr. hate it when i do that. have dreams, i mean. they always turn out badly in the end, and i hate that... thoughts of impending doom even seem to haunt me in my sleep. :( i hate that, hate it hate it hate it.

and i'm still triggered... but am kinda numb at the same time... ughhh... :crying:

*hides again*

April , I'm low , just low . Wanting to cut , needing to Oh and April my Hotmail is down for maintanence so if I don't reply to you it's not me not repleing , is your hotmail down too?

OH the posts come and my friend that I have been worriening about has written me back , he said he'll be in a local cafe on Saturday :) if I Want to meet up :)

awh mark... *cuddles gently* i'm sorry that you feel like you need to cut, but i understand, i do completely. :( and i wish i could make it stop, just make it stop for us & everyone here who struggles with the same. :( when i checked my hotmail earlier, it wasn't down for maintenance, but it might be now, i'm not sure. but that's okay, just reply when it comes back up. *more cuddles* are you gonna be okay today?? any plans to get you out of your flat?

am eating breakfast now although i really don't want to... :'( feel like such a huge fat cow... :'(

curls up in corner and hides away.

*waves* hey everyone, I've been feeling really low recently so I'm not very talkative. *hugs to peoples*

*Hugs Shadowed Soul*

*Hugs Jessica*

*Hugs April*

it was time consuming and kinda calming. if we get this house we're trying to get i'm gonna build them a wooden wall mounted cage :) well a few actually... can't have them all in one big cage without big fights so i'd need to make it one wall with 3 cages in it... (like the ones here but not with plexi-glass... http://octodondegus.weebly.com/ )
i last played on runetotem about 2 weeks ago. lurial is almost lvl 26 now but i haven't played her except for about an hour last week... might have to do that tonight. i can play anytime i'm not making dinner or cleaning up since it isn't the school year so no children needing to be taught but some days i just have no motivation to do anything. one of these days we'll have to be on wow at the same time... willing to run lurial through bfd sometime? and maybe d's toon if he's not busy in a raid on an alt? congrats on the lvling and getting ur boomkin. :)

yes thor is the male baby chinchilla. xochitl and sorley (the parents of thor and freya) will be in their cage together again, dagda has his cage, thor's i just fixed up (it fits on top of his parent's cage with extra room) and freya will either stay in the kit cage for a while or i'll fix up another of the cages (my mother in law's friend gave us 6 cages about a yr ago but they weren't in the best shape and had been used for unruly dogs... all of them needed fixed or dismantled and made into new cages. the kit cage and thors cage are the only ones i've fixed so far. the other cages don't even have a solid bottom under the wire to put the bedding in yet. but i plan to dismantle most of the ones left and make a new large cage out of the sides we have... eventually lol) i won't be putting freya into dagda's cage for a while yet. she isn't old enough for it. female chinchillas can get pregnant at 3 months old but their body is too small so they usually die if they do so she'll be her own cage buddy for at least another 5 months if not a yr. but i'm going to move her cage so she and dagda can see and smell one another but not reach each other so they can stop being aggressive to each other and get used to each other. once i have the rest of my living room back i'll have to take pictures to show everyone. :)

*huggles, cuddles and waves to everyone*

i spy an oliver!
how are you doing? is your gf home now?

*rocks*

*Hugs Nicole* Whats up ?

*cuddles nicole* what's wrong hun?

*hugs Nicole*

*hugs everyone* i dont know what to do, my mum kicked me out just over a week ago, and i was living with my cousin, and now my cousins kicked me out, my mum is letting me stay at home again, but i dont think i can, i cant stand the way i get treated and all the arguments. i dont want to live here!

is there anyone else you can stay with?

nope. and the thing is, my cousin wants me there, but she just cant have me cause my mum is refusing to give her any money for me and she cant afford it :(

could you get a job (even if part time) and help out with bills at your cousin's?

im trying, and applied fo income support, but with either one its gonna be at least 5 weeks till i get any money, and its unfair cause my mums still getting benefits for me.

couldn't you let the benefit people know you're living with your cousin and get benefits for yourself?

thats what we tried but it will be 5 weeks till i get any money, and the wont give us a crisis loan either. stupid government. but i dont know what to do, cause i cant live here!

hmmmm i'm afraid i may be useless to help any more than that... here in the us we have ways to speed up thing in certain instances and we have different programs than you guys do...

:( thanks for the help anyways. i'm just so scared of whats gonna happen cause i havent SIed in 2 weeks, but ive been back here for like an hour, and i REALLY need to cut. but i dont wanna ruin it...

*Huggles Nicole* Please try not to cut mate , and if you do it would be just a blip , I know the urges can be horrible

*huggles mark* i know. but it wont be, cause it will be everywhere, i can feel it, if i cut, i wont be able to stop.

*Hugs Nicole* Please try hard not to start in that case , play the 15 minute game with yourself maybe ?

whats the 15 minuite game? :/ i just know im failing everything and dont see why im even bothering to keep living :(

The 15 minute game is:-

you look at how you're feeling wanting to cut and say "in 15 minutes if still feel the same I'll do it " then in 15 minutes you check to see how you're feeling and if you still need to cut put it off for 15 more minutes , and repeat the process until you get distracted , stop getting urges , fall asleep , generally don't need to cut anymore

Hmm I hope I made that make sence .

oh, right, yeah you did lol. i might try it, at the moment, im thinking-is there any point in stopping, i love my self harm, i love the way it makes me feel, its all ive got.
and at the same time thinking-its stupid and you dont need it, youre past that now, forget about it.
and i dont know what to listen to :(

You are worth so much more than S.I. Nicole , You should tell yourself that . Do you really want to start again if you KNOW you won't be able to stop?

*cuddles Nicole*

yes. im sorry but yes, i need it, i cant live without it, its my life!

:( im sorry about that post ^^ i dont mean that, i'm just struggling with the urges, i cant control it, im not strong enough to.

It's okay to struggle with the urges , it shows you are trying to beat it *HUGS*

*hugs* my sisters picking on me already :'( i've been home 2 hours. and shes saying that i dont deserve anything cause the way i act. i dont DO anything, and even if i did, ive not been here!

Don't let your sister picking on you get to you , rise above it if you can and keep your distanse from her

i cant :(
i need a fag :(

*Hugs Nicole TONS*