*curls up next to April*

Sorry...I just can't write replies & I'm trying && wanting to :'(

get her to listen
she must listen
she has to

Kat - is the blue you? or is that someone else?
Either way... Amy - Im sorry that you are so upset right now. is there anything we can do to help?

*hides in denial tent and screams her head off & cries*

I'm sorry. Just ignore me.

*blows a hug on the wind to Kat, wherever she is* Hope you're okay, sweet. ♥

*cuddles Hels* What's up, sweetie? It's okay to say more than just "I'm low" ... we welcome openness and don't condemn anyone - at least, I hope we don't!! I know that I don't, or try not to... feel free to PM me anytime, 'kay? *more cuddles*

Laura *cuddles* How you doing, love?

*cuddles everyone else*
*hopes that Mark is sleeping well, and anyone else who is sleeping right now*

JK, how are you? if you read this... because you don't post much about yourself ever, I thought I'd ask. :)

Hayley, it's okay to waffle about yourself, no one here minds. It's important to talk to people other than your significant other and here is a fine place to do it. :) Granted, we're not IRL but still. :)

Crimson, hope you're doing alright - oh and about the makeup, that's really expensive!! Wow... and I thought that $9 for a palette of eyeshadow was a lot... lol. Nicole and Julie, hope that you two are okay as well. *leaves some cuddles in a heap on the table for you three*

Oliver, glad that you are happy with your birthday. :) Sounds lovely indeed... *cuddles*

Sorry if I missed anyone... honestly didn't mean to... :-S *cuddles*

I'm doing meh. Just had supper and couldn't finish my portion, so had Jarrod finish it for me. I did pretty well though. And soon we're going to start our exercise program up again... we're going to have to sacrifice WoW 3 nights a week but that should be okay... gahh... I don't mind that so much as I just want to get into shape and get that six-pack. And not of beer... lol. I want to be pretty and not fat/ugly. :'(

I'm so tired... I really am. Ugh. I tried to take a nap but it didn't work. Oh well... :-/ I feel so damn ugly and fat and nasty and gross though... sleep is such a good escape from that, I don't know. I feel hideous. :'(

ARGH I feel so stupid.................. :'(

updated r/v thread...

:crying:

pathetic bitch that i am............. :'(

April, you're not a pathetic bitch & have I somehow missed a post from Hayley? Only you wrote to her in your reply?

I'm more than low. I think I'm actually suicidal and just don't want to completely admit it to myself. I don't want to be feeling it. I just want all this ****ing **** to go away. I want my best friend but leaving her alone for a good reason. Had a bit of a row with my other best friend. Most of my ****ing friends don't seem to give a **** about me anymore & keep laughing at me. I can't cope with everything. There is SO much going on. I just hurt so much right now. I'm soooooooooooo low/bad. Ugh. :'( :'( :'( I just want to ****ing destruct. I keep crying, even I don't cry THIS much regularly :S I haven't even got started and need to STOP ****ING WHINGING ARRRRRGH :'(

I replied to a post of Hayley's awhile back... can't remember what page it was on, only remember her being worried about typing too much about herself. Seems like a lot of us in here are like that... :( ...when we shouldn't be.

Hels, hon, can you talk with anyone (IRL) about how you're feeling? someone safe? I'm not talking professionals, but maybe your mum or something? just to keep you safe for the night... I don't know, I'm sorry that I'm rubbish at ideas and such, it's just that I don't want you to do anything stupid. *cuddles gently and rocks back & forth* Things WILL be okay, it'll just take time... I'm kinda sui myself, it's an awful feeling... but it will pass. Remember your will to live... because you have one, you mentioned it the other day. *more cuddles*

Oh I follow you now :) We shouldn't feel that way indeed. I agree.

I can't talk with anyone in real life how I feel :'( I couldn't ever tell my Mum & even if I did somehow tell her, I couldn't cope with her reaction. Just from past experiences when I've been in A&E and stuff. You're not rubbish at ideas honey. *clings* I don't believe things will be okay. People keep telling me that. I get a few hours of maybe things being ok/feeling happy and then I fall even harder on my face. It feels like, or life throws me back onto the floor. Or both. :'( I'm SO sick of waiting. I've been waiting for so very long now :'( Everyone tells me it'll be okay eventually. Some people even go on to tell me, I have to make it happen. I keep trying but it's not working :'( Not that I can try now, although I'm sort of trying? Oh I don't know. Just know that it's not okay. It IS an awful feeling. I proper hate it. *cuddles*

I just want to scream & shout & destruct. Show people that I'm not okay. Yet at the same time, I don't want to. Attention seeking much?! Because I hate how some people deal with it. I don't know why I'm so desperate at the moment for certain people (okay professionals) to see that I'm not 'fine' as they so kindly keep telling me.....

*hugs april* you are not pathetic. I read your venting spot. Im sorry that your ED is back. You are not hideous though, you are lovely! i promise, both inside and out.

*hugs helen* sometimes attention seeking is not bad hun. It doesnt make you pathetic or anything. I wish that you could get the help you deserve from professionals. Im sorry that they keep just brushing you off and telling you that you are fine. Please dont act on the suicidal urges.. please? If things get too bad try to find someone IRL to tell, at least go to the a&e or something... I know waiting for things to get better is hard... i wish there was more i could say to help you feel better.

*hugs oliver* glad that you are having a good birthday!

*hugs everyone else* I hope you are all okay.

*sits invisibly in corner* - I feel like no one can see me. (IRL more than here)

*hugs Laura* I know it's not sometimes. I am pathetic though, but thank you. I wish I could get the help. A couple of other people do too. It pisses me off something chronic that keep brushing me off. Won't go into all the details of some of the things they've done or it'll turn into hours or ranting and very very long posts. Plus I haven't the energy to rant about them right now. Surprisingly. Although if I got started somehow, I probably would be well away. Anyway...I'll try not to act on the urges. I should be pretty much safe this weekend. Although tomorrow (well today now) I will be alone for part of it if I don't see the boyfriend. Hm. But I will go to a&e if I have to. Rather avoid it at all costs though. We'll see...

Helen, have you considered whether or not you would reconsider the psychology groups they offered you when we went to your psych assessment a while back or the cpn you were offered? I know you said the CPN was not something you wanted (due to a mix up the first time you went and then you not going back) but it is something that maybe helpful.

Similarly, the psychology groups may have been a couple of buses away but if you are feeling so rubbish then surely they are worth travelling a bit further to, especially since you are not working at the moment.If you don't want to consider these then maybe it would be helpful to think about what you WOULD find helpful, clearly the professionals do not think medication is the answer and your previous posts suggest the HTT are also not helpful. What do YOU think might help? Perhaps when you've thought about it you should suggest it to your GP or Dr?

Medication is often not the solution for a lot of people, for some it is but for many others it isn't. I think having the groups to go to may be a good idea, coupled with a CPN and counsellor. You won't know if it will help until you have tried it.

There isn't even help here for me to consider getting. At least you have been presented options. With no insurance (I'm in the states for those who don't know) I am left to sink further into the Pit until they catch me before I off myself and put me in hospital or I end up dead. And to be honest, I'd rather not get that far... again :pinch:

*hugs *forever broken*. I agree...I think sometimes people are too quick to criticise the NHS. I hope you get the help you need and are craving for soon. You really do deserve it hun. The way you continue to struggle without complaining is an inspiration to me x

lol thanks, Pomegranate luv :-) Sometimes I'd really like to complain though ;-)

No worries Ally, hope you and the other regulars are ok Oliver.

lol I'm Ally, btw :-D I wish I had met you all under better circumstances.

*hugs oliver* dont be afraid to come back in here. I'm sure the argument will completely die out soon as there is no reason that it needs to be brought back up really.

How did the rest of your birthday go?

*hugs Laura* it was good thanks, spent the day at my monthly trans group, went out for a meal with a few friends and then went to Canal Street and joined up with some other friends and had a few drinks and a chat.

How are you?

Oliver - I'm glad you had a good birthday! Sounds like it was a good time.

I am okay. its finals week at my uni so I'm kinda stressed trying to get everything done. Happy that it is almost summer though so i can have a break from school stress.

*hugs everyone*

O and it means "quoted for truth" i think

ahh ok thanks. good luck with your final week at uni, hope you manage to get everything done and then you hav a good rest

Laura's right, means quoted for truth. :p

I hope i manage too... i should be okay.. its not quite as crazy as some of my other semesters have been. I just have a lot of other personal stuff going on so it just seems more stressful than it probably is lol.

And funny story, i never knew what QFT was until recently.. when i first saw qft i thought it was "quite f***kin right" or something sillier sounding like that haha.. oops.. well i guess i had the right idea..

*waves to owen* hi! how r u doing today? Dont worry about the argument.. we are just trying to move forward now :-)

*sets up a tent in her old corner, gathers her stuffed lamb, pillow, and blanket, and heads in for a good cry*

I once practically lived here. And I need my corner right now. So here I am. My tent is open for anyone who would like to come in... but I expect no one will. Tis alright. It is, after all, your call.

Thanks Owen. I suggest we all continue to get the conversation back on track/normal :) Else it'll erupt again & there will be even more upset etc. I hope you're okay?

Laura, you just make me giggle. :tongue2: Thanks for that!!! <3

*sits with Ally in the tent and offers a biscuit*

Julie/Owen....there is a lot behind what various people have said and a lot of history going back over three years that you and a lot of people do not know. That does not mean it is ok to be nasty but if you look at how the 'argument' started, it came from a simple post asking about how somebody felt about different types of help.

That's okay Owen :) xx

*notes from her tent that the argument has long since died and should probably not be brought up again*

lol thanks Em

*makes up a tea tray as in the days of old... psych ward, that is*

Julie~ I don't know, have any suggestions?

Purple owen, but you can have whatever colour bedding you like :)

Tea Ally??? You've forgotten...where is the coffee :P

Lol I already decided the tent colour Ally :P

Sorry Julie/Owen etc. I just called you that because of your user name and I noticed the last day or so people had called you Owen....will try to keep up though. Hope your ok.

Ally is it? I say a bright pink tent. Emma - piss off, i want the pink tent! lmao. I shall go all emo if the tent isn't pink.

*ally is now VERY confused and has no idea who even asked what color the tent was*

do you mean what name was my birthname, or what does birthname mean?

lol how about it is pink AND purple?

I do get last say, I set it up, after all ;)

Fine, NoOnesFool :P.....I am not fussy. (well...not about tent colour anyway as long as it isn't yellow!)

I think Owen asked originally Ally.

Tis alright Julie, we don't bite. You may come in the tent when and if you would like. It's not a private club. I just really needed my old corner *shrug*

I'll settle for pink and purple, but it must be a bright pink and purple tent with polka dots. *Snorts* I want to stand out!
*Climbs into the tent* Where's the beer? *Lights up and smokes everyone out*
Oops..