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nicole94 13-04-2010 11:19 PM

hmmm. thats a tough one :( gah. if you cant get a temporary job-what hope have i got?? :/ lol.
aah, well, at least you've got a long time to plan lol. i wanted a big 16th, but its a bit late now as its friday! lol

MammaMia 13-04-2010 11:21 PM

Indeed, only planning now, well starting to because places get booked so quick & stuff. The rest of it can wait. I wrote my guest list in February though LOL. Just been updating it!!! =D

You do have hope of getting a job, just depends when & where etc :P

nicole94 13-04-2010 11:26 PM

lol. sounds like fun :P although to be honest i dont think i would like a big party. i get nervous around too many people lol.

its impossible to find a job while your still at school :/

MammaMia 13-04-2010 11:28 PM

Indeed it is my dear, keep trying though. Especially when you leave.

I don't ever have parties. I haven't had a party for me since I was young =) Obviously I've had 'big' meals :P Lol, for my 16th, I had mcdonalds at home because I couldn't eat due to my braces still killing me (they'd gone on less than a week before!) but I was supposed to be going out to a special restaurant. For my 17th, I went to the cinema with my Mum :D For my 18th, I had a meal at the special restaurant with some of my family & few friends. Was really fun ^_^ So yes, this 21st should be AMAZING!!! Just hope my best friends can make it, think I'd scream my head off if they did xD

Ahhh I'm rambling :P

nicole94 13-04-2010 11:33 PM

lol. sounds like you enjoyed them, which is the main thing. aargh, i have no idea whats going on about the oxford meet, as noones posting on there anymore to say whats happening :/ its supposed to be sunday.....

MammaMia 13-04-2010 11:34 PM

I hope it goes ahead darling *cuddles* Sounds fun. If I had any money, I'd come :]

nicole94 13-04-2010 11:37 PM

lol. bless. could you get to oxford some other time? as im sure this wont be the last one lol. (well, i hope it wont be lol) as i cant really get anywhere else (my mum is MAJORLY over-protective :/)

MammaMia 13-04-2010 11:44 PM

I'm sure I could, just need monies ;) Which I sadly have a severe lack of currently!!! But once I've sorted out my contract problems (don't ask :P) that'll free my money up a bit more.


I forgot to say, I've heard from my best friend's boyfriend. It's not good :|

Kahlia1981 13-04-2010 11:47 PM

*hugs all*

Some days it is so hard to breathe that it is hardly worth the effort ...

nicole94 13-04-2010 11:48 PM

oh dear :( lol. i dont have to get up early :P i can sleep as long as i want. and where the hell is my mum :/ it would be nice to meet you lol. my mum is INSISTING that she takes me to the meet and meets everyone first :/ damn her. treating me like a child

MammaMia 13-04-2010 11:48 PM

I know what you mean Kahlia. Keep going sweetheart, it won't always be like this. *cuddles tight*

MammaMia 13-04-2010 11:50 PM

Nicole, lucky you ^_^ I'm sure your Mum's okay wherever she is. Bless her, my parents were like that when I was going to attend a meet on another forum. But it didn't happen. Shows they care ^_^ But I know you're probably bit embarrassed & stuffs? :) *cuddles* I'm sure we'll meet sometime ^_^

nicole94 13-04-2010 11:55 PM

*hugs kahlia* it'll pass hun.
lol. its not my mum im worried about-shes at her boyfriends, but i'm scared home alone lol. and yeah it is embarrasing lol. its like-'im 16, stop babying me!' lol

MammaMia 14-04-2010 12:04 AM

*cuddles* If it helps, I hate being alone late at night. Not always, but particularly when I'm in a state or can hear things but don't recognise them :/ Once I was that scared, I stayed up til 4am before it felt anywhere near ok to sleep. LOL :/ :(

Kahlia1981 14-04-2010 12:14 AM

Nicole/Hels: I've had that type of fear before. - The other night my anxiety was so high I kept thinking there was another person in the room and so couldn't get to sleep.

*cuddles both of you*

I really don't want to live anymore. I'm so tired of this struggle. Everyday I have to fight ... and I can't help feeling it's a fight I can't possibly win.:-( I'm sorry. Just so over this.

MammaMia 14-04-2010 12:20 AM

* cuddles Kahlia* You will get through this sweetheart. Keep trying to fight. I know it seems impossible :( But it won't always be this hard & it'll be worth it in the end....

I'm getting REALLY worried about my best friend now :'( Think going to have to text my other best friend & let her know. *rocks and cries*

SoMuchMore 14-04-2010 05:11 AM

*hugs helen, nicole, and kahlia*

I SI'd again today... Cant seem to get thru a week anymore. That email is really bothering me. I dont want to be around anymore. I'm such a pathetic person.

Doikers 14-04-2010 09:41 AM

*Hugs group*
Wow almost 4 pages since I last logged on , I'm sorry I can't do individual replies .

I hope you guys are all feeling well / better :)

frenchhorn 14-04-2010 09:55 AM

*cuddles everyone*
I'm feeling a little better this morning.

MammaMia 14-04-2010 10:04 AM

*cuddles everyone*

It's already 10am & I feel dead already. Still no news on my best friend :/ This is just **** man :'(

I spy a Mark *huggles*

Oliver, I'm glad you're feeling a little better this morning.

Laura, you're not a pathetic person sweetheart. Look after your wounds, please? :(

jonikd 14-04-2010 11:06 AM

*hugs Kahlia* hope your friend is OK hun. And that you are too x

*hugs the boys*

*hugs Laura, Nicole, Helen tightly*

I've had a ***** day :( New therapist tomorrow, ex cancelled on me tonight..again...more delay on talking about selling the house, my goddaughter's Dad is about to come into her life after 3 1/2 years which may shaft me ,my Mum contacted me..."ooh your father's no good..ooh we never see you..." guilt,guilt, guilt.... Workmate shat on me...So have got hammered, taken too much meds, and SI'ed AGAIN, worse than last night. And now I'm sore and crying and wondering what the F' to do with the wound for work tomorrow.....crap. Loser!

*apologises for raving and puts the kettle on to do something useful*

*wishes someone was here to cuddle tightly*

*calls for puppy sinclair*

MammaMia 14-04-2010 11:36 AM

*cuddles JK tightly*

No words, just hugs :) xx

Doikers 14-04-2010 11:45 AM

*hugs Laura * You are not a pathetic person , you are just going through a hard time , It WILL get better for you
*hugs JK* I'm sorry you have had such an awful day , look after the cut well ok.

jonikd 14-04-2010 11:58 AM

*hugs kind people who understand*

Hugs are all I need I reckon, thank you.

Laura, we be OK hun. Soon.

*tucks herself in*

night guys, don't get up to too much mischief in my absence

Doikers 14-04-2010 11:59 AM

Mischeif! the very thought :P

Kahlia1981 14-04-2010 12:25 PM

*hugs everyone*

My head feels like there are a whole bunch of tiny dwarves trying to mine for precious metals.

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 12:50 PM

Good morning, everyone... *big cuddles all 'round* Three pages since I last came in here, wow... was a busy night after I left for my doctor's appt!!

JK, I'm sorry that you had such a **** day. :( That's awful. I hope that you're getting some decent sleep now... *gently squishes* I also hope that the injury wasn't too bad... :-/ Please try & take care of yourself, 'kay? ♥

Kahlia, I'm sorry you're still struggling... it's so hard to hold it all together when it feels like it's all falling apart. I understand that feeling... :( It really, really sucks, to put it lightly. *cuddles* Is there anything that I can do to help??

Hels, I hope your best friend is okay... how are YOU though? because you DO matter. Are you still having palpitations? and is the doctor you mentioned a pdoc or a GP? because seems like no matter what, s/he should pay attention to physical symptoms, and if a pdoc, then refer you to a GP or summat. I don't know. :-/ I would imagine that it's all related to stress, though, as you've been under so much lately!! *holds you and rocks* And I spy you!! :D

I spy you too, Mark!! :D *big cuddles* How are you doing today?? any plans? Have you been listening to Superchick much lately? :D

Laura, hon, I'm so sorry that you SI'd again... please take care of it... I know that you know that, just wanted to make sure... don't want anything bad happening to you, anymore than it already has. :( *holds you and rubs your back*

Nicole, how're you doing today?? :) *hugs*

I'm really tired... got up a bit before 6am so not too early (at least it wasn't 3:30 or 4am!! lol... like it has been in the past >_<)... just want to go back to bed but can't as I've tons of work to finish up before noon-thirty today. :( I am so stressed, so ****ing overwhelmed, dunno how I'm going to cope at all... :'(

I just want to hide... I don't know... I think I need to post in my r/v thread. :crying:

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 01:04 PM

Updated r/v thread...

And *cuddles Oliver* You're not a freak, love, don't tell yourself that or else you'll really start believing it... we care about you here, you're valuable to us. ♥

MammaMia 14-04-2010 01:05 PM

*hugs everyone*

April, my best friend isn't okay. Things are getting worse. The worse case is death :'( Hopefully it won't lead to that. I'm worried sick :'( I don't know how I am. Have kept my other best friend informed, don't think she's doing so well today. But she said she'd text me later as her daughter was playing with her phone.

Had a really bad night after I stopped posting. Well I was okay until just before I went to bed. My mind just went mad, overdrive, everything was buzzing & rushing. I felt so scared but couldn't work out why. Yet knew I was scared about my best friend, but it didn't feel like that was the only reason. I don't matter, well I suposse I do. I am still having palpitations. Not had any today so far I don't think *knocks wood* But I do feel so ****ing dizzy. Am putting it down to the small amount of sleep I've had as a contributing factor.

The doctor I mentioned is a GP. Yes they should pay attention to physical symptoms but he didn't. I put it down to being 'worried' about my mental state. As I was practically threatening suicide but begging for help (long story). But you'd think, he'd still make another appointment to discuss the physical stuff? :| However, I think a lot of my physical stuff comes from stress/my mental state. I have been under an extreme amount. Almost constantly feel under it. Or near enough. *sighs* Why I need a job, to help me distract myself from thinking about it all 24/7. Plus the fact I need MONEY. Arrgh!! *clings*

Doikers 14-04-2010 01:24 PM

*hugs ward mates*
I've had the one appointment I had today with my housing support worker and he is gonna sort out that letter from the debt enforcement people. I feel pretty anxious , and I am pretty triggered too:( I'm one of life's **** ups , I've very few friends IRL , no education to speak of haven't worked in years and years , fat , scarred ( and I want to add more ) , I HATE myself , I've no prospects for a good future , I'm depressed and there is nothing I can do about any of it . Maybe it would be better if I died *sigh* sorry to whine.Man! I'm so self involved:(

MammaMia 14-04-2010 01:26 PM

You're not one of life's ****s ups Mark. I promise you that. *cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 01:27 PM

*holds Hels and rocks* Things will be okay... they will work out in the end. I don't know how and I can't tell you when, but you will get through this. Things can't be this bad always. I'm so sorry to hear about your best friend... :( that must be awfully scary to you... I can imagine and it is a terrifying thing to even imagine, much less live with. *more cuddles*

I'm sorry that you had a bad night... :( I wish I could help you more... you're so important to so many people, I wish I could help you feel better and more self confident and capable and HAPPIER. You DO matter... which is why I/we keep encouraging you to talk about what's on your mind... you can't be a superhero all the time. :) ♥

*sighs* I can't face today, I can't... I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I have so much ****ing work to do... :'( and I don't know if I can get it all done. I HATE UNI!!!

Oh, and planning your 21st sounds like a lot of fun. Mine was really quiet, just Jarrod (hubby) and my parents. I can't even really remember it as it was nearly a year ago and NO, not because I got drunk. ;) I don't drink, never have, hopefully never will. But anyway... my 22nd is coming up, haven't had a party in ages but probably won't for this one either. Blah. Oh and I'm going to see if I can have a graduation party whenever I graduate (lol)... that would be so nice as my sister had one and I want one too. Heh. Compare snare going on there... :-X

Anyway. I'd best get back to work... writing up a journal/reflection for Women & Spirituality, then need to get to work on my lab that's due today for Health Psych, then need to work on my practice talk for Senior Sem... ARGH!!!!!! :crying:

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 01:28 PM

*cuddles Mark* You're not a **** up, love. You've just had a really rough time of it. Things will get better... they will... just gotta give it time. I know it feels like you've given it enough time to get better, but keep on fighting, don't give up. *more cuddles* Please don't do anything "stupid" either...

Doikers 14-04-2010 01:31 PM

*Hugs Helen* Thanx :) , I'm sorry to hear about your friend , I hope she gets better soon .

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 01:40 PM

ARGH, my brain is so fried!!!! I can't do this... I can't...


Doikers 14-04-2010 01:43 PM

*Hugs April* Just Breathe . You can do this , You can :)

MammaMia 14-04-2010 01:43 PM

*cuddles April* I hope you're right, that things will be okay in the end. I suposse things can be this bad always. It is awfully scary. She keeps ending up in hospital (as you may have noticed from my posts these last few months), just so scary sometimes :( I KNEW she needed to go hospital last night & seems I was right :/ *cuddles*

You do help so much April. Trust me. I don't know why I'm so important to so many people. Really do. But hey. Better to just accept it, keeps people happy :P I wish I could feel better & stuff, think it's going to take a long time & help to get there. Who knows. I suposse I can't be a superhero all the time, but I think I still try. Bonkers. I'm just have to be helping or trying, or I don't feel right. I just care more about my family & friends than myself. I know, I should put myself first & all that. But I can't & rarely do.

*cuddles* I hate those kinda days. It sucks. Believe in yourself that you will get work done, should help? *snuggles* Would help if I stopped taking up your time ;) I felt like that a lot when I was doing uni though. No wonder I failed & got kicked out hey?

It is fun planning my 21st, can't organise too much of it yet obviously. Still fun though :) Don't blame you having a quiet one. I've always told myself that I'd have a big deal of a 21st. If I make it, it'll be a massive massive deal for me. SO might aswell make some noise about it lol. Drinking can be SO bad. I should know. I have to be very careful when I drink. I've been known to do worser self harm under the influence of alcohol & do dangerous things *whistles* I'm an angel really..

Definitely have a party for your graduation if you can. You deserve it!!! Seriously =)

Hope you manage your work ok *snuggles*

OMG I'm so hungry :| You wouldn't think I had breakfast a few hours ago for once :/ Better go feed myself then *rolls eyes*

frenchhorn 14-04-2010 01:46 PM

*cuddles April* you can do this, you can trust me, just breathe.

*cuddles everyone* I'm feeling a little better today, think yesterday I just got really depressed suddenly because they guy I was seeing said he didn't want a releationship atm due to medical stuff and I liked him a lot and he was someone who liked me for me and knew I was trans and that is something that I don't get much.

*hugs puppy sinclair and then retreats to a corner*

Doikers 14-04-2010 01:49 PM

April , I promise I won't do anything "Stupid" today, please don't worry too much . I think I'm going to have to S.I. though . I'm going for a walk just to get away from my tools.

MammaMia 14-04-2010 02:01 PM

*cuddles Oliver and Mark lots* Please keep safe guys. I don't have much words. But I do care about both of you. We all do.

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 02:04 PM

*cuddles Hels* I wish I could help your friend, too... what keeps landing her in hospital if you don't mind me asking? (if you'd rather not say, then just ignore that question) Try to take care of yourself though, and care for yourself as much as you care for other people... because "technically" YOUR health should come first... as odd as that sounds. I know, because my nickname is "Superhero April" (lol) and, like you, I care for other people more than I do for myself. It's hard, to like yourself when all you see is despicableness (is that a word? :P hah)... but we'll get there. :)

Thanks for reassuring me, Mark... :) and keep the SI as unserious as possible too, okay? *hugs* I know that you can do without it... but I understand the pull towards it all too well!! *more hugs*

Oliver, yeh, I can see why that would get you down. *cuddles* I'm sorry about that, but maybe you can get back together once he gets things together again? And you can stay friends, right? Sorry if I'm being dense... :-X I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better today though. :)

I'm trying to write a journal/reflection for Women & Spirituality and my brain just isn't working... at least, for this assignment. And it's due tonight... and this morning is the only time that I have to do it. :'( I also have a tonnn of other stuff to do... and all I want to do is curl up & cry. I feel like ****. Still.

*hides in shame*

MammaMia 14-04-2010 02:23 PM

*cuddles April* Bless you sweetheart. Various things keep her landing in hospital. Health issues relating to her ED usually. But sometimes 'someone' (who should ****ing die) lands her in there. She doesn't always go & I don't blame her. They're ****ing about as we speak actually, not that she thankfully knows it as she's unconscious. Trying to take care of me. Just bolted a huge amount of food down. Still hungry :| Going to wait it out for a while, see if dies or if I do need to eat even more :'( I'm so angry. I need to ****ing calm down before I explode or something :/ *breathes*

Don't hide in shame. You can do this darling. Try doing it little chunks if you can? :) *cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 03:46 PM

I got both assignments done, now I just have to get my damn talk together for practicing this afternoon. :(

I eat SO ****ING MUCH!!!! I had to do a 3-day food analysis and... well, I'm within the guidelines of what percentages should come from what, but... :-X I eat a lot. It was triggering... is triggering... I HATE FOOD and I HATE CLASSES WHERE THEY TALK ABOUT IT. :crying:


*hides again* :'(

CrazyHayley 14-04-2010 04:41 PM

*group huggle!*

There have been 5pages since I last wondered out to the smoking shelter and got distracted by WoW. Even that managed to make me down last night when I was left for dead in a dungeon - April will know what I mean. I just thought it was a bit rude and felt really unvalued. Oh well I am extra sensitive at the moment, so I'm probably making something out of nothing.

Didn't sleep well last night as my finger had swelled up due to my ring being too tight. I was hoping that over night that it would get better, but silly me, it just got worse, so I had to get up and drag myself down to A&E to get my favourite ring cut off of my finger. Not impressed. So been in a foul mood over something really stupid and my own fault, but can't get myself out of it. I haven't done anything that I'd planned on doing and eaten far too much. Now I'm moaning.....

*hits self over head with saucepan to shut herself up*

Doikers 14-04-2010 05:00 PM

*Hugs Hayley* I'm sorry about your ring , hows your finger now?
I can empathise about being left in a dungeon ( On runescape but hey :) )

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 06:00 PM

*cuddles Hayley* Which dungeon? Deadmines? And yeh, it would make me feel unvalued too if no one "rezzed" me or waited for me to run back. (Sorry to the non-WoW players!! lol...) Did you at least get any good loot from the bosses? And it would upset me also, to have my favorite ring have to be cut off. :( Maybe you can get another one? I'm a little worried about my wedding band and engagement ring... my fingers swell because I don't drink enough water, so yeah... :-X

Mark, love, how you doing? *cuddles* Hope you didn't SI, but if you did we still love you!! :) Hehe.

I feel really icky today... I don't know why. I'm wearing a cami (here is what one looks like, the same brand etc.) so am feeling rather exposed and vulnerable, too girly. :( I got all of my work done except my talk, which I have to give very shortly... I'm terrified!!... stupid stupid stupid social anxiety. :'(

Had lunch with my bestie but it was a little awkward as the girl she's rooming with next term (she's done at uni after this semester and going to work at a hospital for her last 2 years) joined us without being invited. Didn't really know what to think of that... I like the girl, but... :-/ I wanted some time just with my best friend, you know? It doesn't feel like I get that anymore. But she did apologize for last weekend... which doesn't make things all better but it helped.

I am so sick of life. Just want to curl up in a hole and DIE, **** it all... :crying:

PoisonedApple 14-04-2010 06:02 PM

*cuddles Hayley* Awww... can you get the ring fixed by a jeweler to be a bigger size? Or repair the cut part and wear it on a necklace? How's your finger doing?
*cuddles April* I understand how you feel. Do you feel any better now?
*huggles other wardmates* How is everyone this fine morn? *looks at clock and notes 9 am* Or eve for some of you I'm sure *tucks in some wardmates*...?
I actually went to the gym last night. For the first time in forever lol. I almost didn't go cuz I was tired and whiny but I went anyway. I took my sister in law since her mom flaked on me... I do poorly at gyms alone... Alone I last maybe 20 minutes plus yoga class if I make it to one. With a workout buddy... I was there almost 2 hours last night and would have stayed longer but then we wouldn't have gotten home and gotten to have dinner before bed lol. I am glad I went though I felt more awake and better about myself. And surprisingly I'm not all that sore from it. But I have got to get into better shape. On the elliptical my heart rate was a fairly steady 204... A bit high but at least it was steady and I didn't push it to passing out. :)

SoMuchMore 14-04-2010 06:15 PM

*hugs oliver* yea i can understand how that got you down. I'm glad u r feeling a little better. How is ur hand?

*hugs helen* Im sorry that you had a bad night and about ur friends. It sounds like its scary/draining to have to worry about them winding up in the hospital all the time. As april said, make sure you take care of yourself too.

*cuddles JK* you are not a loser. I'm sorry that you had such a horrible day, it sounds like it was very upsetting and stressful. Take care of ur wound. Hope you are okay.

*hugs mark* Hope you managed not to SI too badly. Sounds like going for a walk is a good idea, sometimes distractions like that are very helpful.

*cuddles april* Good luck on your talk hun. I understand being terrified of it, it sucks. (On the bright side.. u may not remember it lol.. i usually dissociate during speeches b/c im so anxious lol). Im sorry you didnt get any alone time with your bestie. Sometimes thats really annoying, especially if u need to talk about something. Please don't curl up and die, we would miss you very much here :-)

*hugs hayley* I'm sorry about ur finger/ring. That sucks. I would prolly be in a bad mood after all that too. Hope that today has gotten a least a little better for you.

*hugs crimson* glad that you had a good time at the gym!

Oh and for everyone that mentioned it, dont worry, I cleaned the wounds afterwards.
I am a pathetic person though. I try to help people so much and hardly ever open up to anyone, and then when i do people don't stick around for very long, they decide to leave. My ex was the person that stayed with me longest, but even he made the conscience decision to get rid of me... and he did so a long time before he told me about anything. I wish that girl had not emailed me. It makes me hate her even more if thats possible. I dont want to hear excuses or anything like "i just want everyone to be ok." Im sorry everyone.. This is stupid. I shouldnt bother people with any of it.

Doikers 14-04-2010 06:23 PM

* Hugs Laura * you are not pathetic at all . I'm sorry I don't have many words .

I've cut yes , but I have put on ( Basic ) dressings, I'll wash them properly later .

Scarletdreamer 14-04-2010 06:44 PM

Urgh, I am so scared of my talk... :-X I have to give it in less than an hour (probably)... don't want to do it, don't want to!!!!! :crying: And I think that the decaf latte I got wasn't decaf at all which isn't helping matters. :'(

*cuddles Crimson* Glad you got to the gym, that's awesome!! :D I need to go... but I doubt I will. At least I have a workout routine I can do at home that my personal trainer gave me. :) And I also have my bike, so I can ride... there are a LOT of hills around here to give me good exercise. :-X

*cuddles Laura* Well, WE are not going to leave you... so you'll just have to put up with that. ;) Talk about yourself all you want, honestly, because we all do and it's a good way to get support. We care about you, hon, and want to help you as much as you've helped us. :) ♥

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry that you SI'd... but at least you've taken care of it/them... remember though, you are worth so much more than that. :) What are you going to do the rest of the day to stay distracted?

I spy an Oliver, a Mark, and a Laura!! :D

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