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Scarletdreamer 12-03-2010 10:17 AM

Quiet1 - I think that if I were you I would jump for the chance to do IOP. It's "only" a week so you wouldn't miss too much at work and might get a lot out of it. Please give it a shot, love... I remember you posting about how much you are struggling, and posts like that are fine... I just want you to take care of yourself the best you can, and I think that IOP is the best thing for you now. *gentle cuddles*

Mark, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low. :( Best of luck with meeting with your social worker - can you let us know how it goes? *cuddles* And I'm also sorry about the SI... please take care of the wound and make sure that it doesn't get infected - I know that you know this, just wanted to make sure. *more cuddles* Hang in there... things WILL be okay.

How is everyone else doing this morning? ♥ *cuddles all*

MammaMia 12-03-2010 11:26 AM

*big hug for everyone*

Doikers 12-03-2010 11:40 AM

My Social worker appointment was short , he just wanted to touch base he said , I was honest with him and he is coming by next week , I dread meeting with him sometimes , I don't know what to say to him . My houseing support worker is coming by at 1pm to sort out the energy company demanding details and that huge bill thats not mine.

MammaMia 13-03-2010 12:03 AM

Seems I've screwed up again.

Scarletdreamer 13-03-2010 12:03 AM

I'm driving my husband mad with my anxiety and anxious breathing. I feel so awful about it, he logged off WoW and left the room because of me, but I can't do a damn thing about it. I've already taken my Klonopin and I just want to be ****ing NORMAL... is that too much to ask?! Apparently so...


MammaMia 13-03-2010 12:18 AM

*cuddles April*

It's not your fault darling. Maybe he's easily irritated today and yeah?

Scarletdreamer 13-03-2010 12:22 AM

*cuddles Helen back*

Yeh it's been a long day for him... long story so I won't go into it here, but drama with a girl he knows - nothing romantic or anything, far from it really, but it was drama and wearying for him. Easily irritated, my anxiety seems to get him every time so maybe it is my fault. :(

Here's a song to cheer everyone up... :P

quiet1 13-03-2010 03:56 AM

i did it.
i actually signed up. i will be out of work for this coming week. and its only a week long so i think its not too bad.

i am so sorry that i have bitched and complained about everything. i do appreciate the encouragement April. i do want to get better, but i also want to self-destruct.

i hurt myself today. and it felt good. and it felt wrong for it to feel good and so i wanted to do more to punish myself for feeling good. i just want to curl up in a ball and .....

Kahlia1981 13-03-2010 09:22 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Not meaning to sound paranoid but I think the local health system is trying to kill me. I spoke to someone from the crisis team today and they told me to call them when there's a problem but that "(they) did not see a necessity for continuous contact at this time". Right when I could be starting to lift from my depression ... one of the most dangerous times ...


*hugs everyone, then disappears into a dark corner*

Kahlia1981 13-03-2010 10:45 AM

Sorry to interject again ... :( I just found out that someone I've known my entire life has passed away. .... It doesn't seem fair that she has died (aged ~70) and I'm still alive. :(

Scarletdreamer 13-03-2010 12:20 PM

*cuddles for all*

Yey for making the decision, quiet1. I think it is a wise one... best of luck - let us know how it goes, okay? I'm sure that you'll be fine; it might be rough at first but you can handle it. I've never been in IOP but I've been in IP and res, so I understand kind of the way it works. More story behind that but I won't go there for now. :) How are you doing today?

Kahlia, no worries about "interjecting" ... this is a place where you can speak up when and how you want to. *hugs* I don't understand why the crisis team did that... I don't think that they are trying to kill you, per se, but I do think that they are making some unwise decisions. :( I'm sorry to hear about that person in your life... that must hurt so badly. I wish I could do something to help... is there anything? *offers more cuddles*

I'm doing alright... better than last night, which is good... got up at 5:20am after sleeping restlessly after 4am. Am tired. We played WoW for awhile and are now going to get breakfast... I have no idea what I'll have. My brain is tired from the bingeing urges I had last night before bed... was already full but wanted to eat and eat and eat... how I HATE the BN stuff. :(

I have - HAVE - to do schoolwork today - no ifs, ands, or buts about it. :( I am so behind; it's awful. I feel so stupid for putting stuff off this long but I ****ing needed a break from uni and thinking about assignments and exams and such. :(

I just want to die, is that too much to ask? :crying:

MammaMia 13-03-2010 01:24 PM

*curls up and rocks*

Scarletdreamer 13-03-2010 01:41 PM

*holds Helen and rocks with her* What's up, sweetheart? ♥

MammaMia 13-03-2010 01:45 PM

:'( I want everything to be okay. It was getting better. But it's all ****ed up again. Why? :'( Just found a thread I made this morning. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I want my best friends. One is/was upset with me. Again my fault. The other is really struggling, and think she was going to do something bad. But hopefully has seen whoever she was seeing today :'( She's not replied back to my late reply :/ Can't text my other best friend, well I could, but she hasn't text me so far, so am still sticking with giving her space. I can't cope. Why do I have to keep ****ing everything up :'( I woke up and was pure gutted. Half wanted to stop breathing whilst asleep....

PrincessSparkle 13-03-2010 03:29 PM

Hey ScarlettDreamer,
how was you day?I have college all weekend....exciting..Wow,I don't think I could study that,interesting as hell but not for me!!I'd probably drive myself crazy!
Anyone doing anything nice this weekend?

Doikers 13-03-2010 04:32 PM

*Pops in and leaves hugs for you all*
Sorry for the short post I'm severly triggered but can't get the privacy here at my parents to S.I. , I've been comfort eating recently and I've put on weight I just feel crap . I just had coffee with my best friend / girlfriend which has helped talking to her but now I feel un-safe ( is that the right word ? ) again .

nicole94 13-03-2010 05:59 PM

can i please admit myself to the ward?? NHS are crappy, i OD'd thursday. saw someone from the barnes unit (who was supposed to decide whether i was safe enough to go home) and i told her al my plans for my next OD, and yet, she said i was perfectly safe to go home! uuuuuuuh. WHAT???!!! theyre useless, although the hospital is good...................

Doikers 13-03-2010 07:57 PM

*Hugs Nicole* please don't OD , stay safe .

MammaMia 13-03-2010 08:12 PM

Nicole, sadly it happens too regularly. Please try keep safe sweet *cuddles*

Really want to die, then it'll stop hurting, stop all the uncertainty? :'(

Scarletdreamer 13-03-2010 08:22 PM

Awh Nicole, that sucks!! *hugs* I hope that you don't OD... it's not wise at all... and I agree, the NHS is AWFUL for letting you go home after you told her what you planned to do. :( Please try & take care of yourself the best you can... I'm here if you ever need/want to talk.

Mark, I'm sorry that you're triggered... how are you feeling now?

I'm not doing too great myself, really anxious and all... it sucks. :( I don't know what to do about it... and I need - NEED - to get some schoolwork done but my brain totally doesn't seem to be functioning on that level. :crying:

I don't know what to do. :(


MammaMia 13-03-2010 08:24 PM

I'll just continue to be invisible, it's for the best =D
I'll just not talk, can't **** up that way.

*hides in the denial tent and cries*

Doikers 13-03-2010 08:48 PM

Hugs Mammamia and April*
I'm sorry we are all struggling , maybe it will be better tommorow .I'm sorry I don't have any great insight .
I'm triggered and tired I don't knw how to feel just all high-pitched mentally , I don't know how else to describe it.

Scarletdreamer 13-03-2010 10:14 PM

*cuddles Helen and Mark* I'm sorry that we're all in such bad states today... :( Wish I could do summat about it.

I'm really tired. Just want to sleeeep... :( Took a nap earlier but it was only for a bit and I didn't really sleep, too keyed up from anxiety.

I really need to get this outline done, even if it's rubbishy, but it's so damn confusing!!! :crying:

*hides in a dark corner of the denial tent*

PrincessSparkle 14-03-2010 01:29 AM

Everyone's awfully sad!
*cue PrincessSparkle breaking into a tap routine and making everyone laugh*

No-one OD please it is really really horrible!( I havnt done it but know someone who did and the anxiety and stress and scared...if she ever does it again...I dont wanna live through that again!)
Did you get your outline done?

Kahlia1981 14-03-2010 05:39 AM

*hugs everyone*

I don't want to play this game anymore ....

*sits in a dark corner and rocks back and forth hoping that she can hold off the tears and that she will just disappear into nothingness*

Scarletdreamer 14-03-2010 01:34 PM

*cuddles Kahlia & Sparkle* Thanks for the tap routine, Sparkle, it was cute. ;)

Kahlia, I'm sorry that you're still feeling like ****... is there anything, anything at all that I/we can do to help?

Sparkle, how are you doing? :)

I'm... okay. Still really stressed out about schoolwork and also I want to cut... not a good combination. Uni has been REALLY bad for that in the past few years, always have wanted to cut or scratch when I think about deadlines etc. :( It's awful. Torture. I am so so SO thankful that this is my last semester!!!

Figured out the online refill system thingy yesterday, since insurance is REFUSING to pay for meds anymore unless I do it that way. :( It makes me aaangry... but there's not a thing that I can do about it. Grrrr!!! :( Well, kind of figured it out. Still need to learn a bit more about it. *sigh*

Just want to go to bed... daylight savings time was last night/this morning (whichever you prefer to call it) and so we stayed in bed until 7am... unheard of for us, heh. :) It was nice although we both got sore from sleeping too long.

I think I'm going to go listen to Plumb and eat breakfast... and do schoolwork... :(


Doikers 14-03-2010 08:37 PM

I'm having trouble communicating how I feel.
I feel Down
and I know I know the word that perfectly sums up how I feel I just can't seem to summon it.It's frustrating :S
*Leaves hugs for Kahlia , Sparkle and April*
*Retreats to a dark corner and settles in for the night*

MammaMia 14-03-2010 10:31 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Hope we're all feeling better, even if only a little???

Scarletdreamer 14-03-2010 10:32 PM

I'm not. I'm feeling worse, & so is my husband. :(

It's been a rough day.

So ****ing triggered right now.

MammaMia 15-03-2010 01:39 AM

*cuddles April* Hope you managed to stay safe sweetheart

*cuddles everyone else & hides in the denial tent*

Just need to deny that immense amounts of **** is occuring :'(

Kahlia1981 15-03-2010 08:56 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I just wanted to share with everyone that I'm feeling just a little bit better. I think the Topamax is starting to work.

April - *hugs you* uni deadlines are always hard darl. Is it you who likes Superchick? I really like their song Bowling Ball.
Mark - *hugs you* I hate it when I can't find the words I'm looking for
Helen - *hugs you tightly* Sorry, I don't have any words, just lots of hugs

*hugs everyone again, then settles down in the dark*

Scarletdreamer 15-03-2010 09:16 AM

*cuddles Helen* I hope that you manage to stay safe, too, love. Care to talk at all about what **** is going on? You can always, always PM me. :)

*cuddles Kahlia* So glad to hear that you're starting to feel better!! :D Wonderful news. :) I definitely hope that the Topamax is helping. And yeh, it's me that like Superchick... "Bowling Ball" is indeed rather a funny song. Makes my husband laugh every time (he sings along, which I find totally hilarious!! :P). A good online friend introduced them to me in 2005 and I got to see them in concert in 2006. It was pretty awesome.

*cuddles everyone else* ♥

frenchhorn 15-03-2010 10:01 AM

is so anxious he feels sick, is shaking, can hardly breathe, is crying. can't handle this, sorry *goes to hide in a dark corner*

MammaMia 15-03-2010 11:17 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia, I am SO happy to read that post.

April, I may have to take you up on your offer xx

Doikers 15-03-2010 11:43 AM

Sorry I don't have it in me today for individual replies just * hugs for everyone*

I'm so anxious , my hands were shaking , less so now I've taken a Diazapam , Still triggered though , ugh .

MammaMia 15-03-2010 12:07 PM

*cuddles Doikers*

Arrrrgh!!! :'( Please *hides in the denial tent*

Doikers 15-03-2010 01:16 PM

Thanx for the cuddles Helen (it's Helen right ?)
*Hugs Helen back*

MammaMia 15-03-2010 01:25 PM

It is indeed Helen =)
*cuddles you some more*
You still feeling anxious?

Doikers 15-03-2010 01:34 PM

Yes I'm still anxious but not as bad as before so thats a plus , I have to go meet with my nurse any minute now, nervous about that , plus my housing support worker was supposed to come to visit me over an hour and a half ago and didn't show , never mind.

*Hugs Helen back *

CrazyHayley 15-03-2010 02:01 PM

Hello there my fellow inmates :) *GROUP HUGGLES*

I was busy past few days, still PMDD'in. Wishing I could have a pj day today but I seriously need to get my arse in gear and go visit my best mate soon as its her little boys 10th birthday today and I can't let him down.

Busy with 3 other birthdays this week too. My partner and two of my sisters. This week always drains me, I dread it when I know I should be happy for them all. oh well. I shouldn't complain, its nothing huge really is it? Far worse things, I just need to get a grip of myself and put things into perspective....

*goes out to smoking shelter*

Scarletdreamer 15-03-2010 04:13 PM

*cuddles Oliver, Helen, Mark, and Hayley*

Sorry that you're so anxious, Mark... did the housing support worker ever show up? and how did the meeting with your nurse go? I hope that s/he had something useful to say to help you... *hugs*

*squishes Helen* What's up, love? Read your r/v thread and I wish I could do something... remember, feel free to PM!! :) ♥

*hugs Hayley* What does PMDD stand for again? I have an idea but I don't want to sound like an idiot so I won't post it... lol. :) I could Google it I suppose... hehe. Some people make big deals out of birthdays (like me), others don't (like my husband, lol) - it doesn't really matter. Three birthdays in one week has got to be tiring... wow. I'm lucky that my family's birthdays are all spread out (hubby = January, dad = February, mum = August, sister = December - and me = June). Aaanyway... sorry for the waffling!! :o

I'm really tired... ugh. I wish that I had stayed in bed until 6am or so... feel jet-lagged from the lack of sleep due to my husband tossing and turning last night, as well as the time change... yuckie. *sigh* Got up at 5am instead... silly me... which used to be really 4am... no wonder I'm tired. I've got what I call "grocery bags" under my eyes (back when the Walmart bags were blue - anyone remember those days?)... and my eyelids are all puffy and nasty looking. It looks like I haven't slept in days. Heh.


Night Falls Fast is a good book... *random* ...but not for the easily suicidally triggered person. It's about "understanding suicide" and I'm reading it for my senior sem paper (got the outline done!! :D kind of anyway... really rough one, but at least I cranked SUMMAT out...)... very well written. It's by Kay Redfield Jamison, who wrote Touched by Fire and An Unquiet Mind, both about bipolar - which she has. I love her books... first read Touched by Fire in 2005 or so I think...

Well, hugs to the lurkers... Crimson, I see you!! :D

Doikers 15-03-2010 04:29 PM

Thats great that you got your outline done , I know how stressed you have been about it , way to go April :). I want to read Night falls fast but right now would class myself as the very easily triggered type :( ( which is no fun )
The meeting with my detox-nurse went well but was EXHAUSTING I almost broke down in front of her , she is going to take my bloods and blood pressure tomorrow and then I can go back on the Antabuse ( Anti alcohol med ) and put the whole "I can drink responsibly" passage of this year behind me hopefully .


No my houseing worker never showed * Irritated * I hung around the kitchen window for half an hour looking out for him

PoisonedApple 15-03-2010 04:49 PM

*hugs everyone*
How is everyone this morning?

Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2184899)
Well, hugs to the lurkers... Crimson, I see you!! :D

I had almost gotten done catching up when I had to go downstairs and open the front desk :)
I had a pretty productive day yesterday. I made parts of a week of dinners last night (and then froze em) while I put todays dinner in the crock pot and made last nights dinner lol. Hopefully with dinner being easier and less time consuming it'll be a less stressful part of the day. In theory my usually 1 hr plus dinner making will take less than 30 min. Supposedly this 'once a month meals' thing is supposed to work well for people with overloaded schedules like me... we'll see.
And I'm almost done with laundry. That'll be pleasant. But since I don't do more than one load of laundry a day (the stairs to and from the laundry room would kill my knee) it'll be a couple more days... unless I get lazy and procrastinate again. But so far so good today so maybe it'll get done.
*crosses fingers*
Here's hoping for the best today.

CrazyHayley 15-03-2010 06:34 PM

*sprays self with pretty smelling stuff so as to not stink of fags!*

*group huggle!!* Hello again....

So, PMDD stands for Pre-Menstrual Disphoric Disorder. Which is basically having usual PMS symptoms but cranked up a few times to go alongside with feelings of lack of self worth and irrational and suicidal thoughts. I get these feelings for the 10days leading up to my period and then during my period they subside. I have about 8days out of a 28day cycle where I get to be 'Hayley-Rose', the rest I'm varying degrees of crazy hayley! Since putting me on super high dose of vit b6, evening primrose oil every day and progesterone for days 19-26 I've been a lot better. I don't cry everyday now and I don't think about throwing myself under every bus I see. I was sooo bad when my partner was in afghanistan in 2008 I was asking for a hysterectomy!!! But apparently I could end up reacting to those hormone changes even worse! Not sure how I'll cope in september when he goes back, but he tells me not to get worked up about it now and we'll figure something out closer to the time.

Good for you April for getting the outline done, sometimes doing that is the hardest part. I ope that you manage to get some more done without it stressing you out too much.

Mark - I'd have been soo irritated too about your housing worker, bloody cheek just not turning up and not informing you. Are you going to make a complaint?! I would...but that's just 'cos I'm in a feisty mood at the mo!

Crimson - you only do one load of laundry a day....you make that sound like a bad thing! I think thats fantastic....as long as you've enough laundry in the household to warrant it of course, lol No point putting on the washing machine with just one set of undies in it! The planning and preparing meals sounds a fab idea...I sometimes do something similar to help me with my energy levels due to my M.E, cooking can be too much for me.

Helen - I don't know whats going on with you completely, but don't blame yourself for everything. You are a lovely person. Chin up my dear. *special squishes*

PoisonedApple 15-03-2010 07:03 PM

Eh we've been sooo behind on laundry that it's ridiculous... I just never seemed able to catch up (doesn't help our housing has coin op laundry -$3 a load- and we're tight on money) but then I have me and D, our 3 kids and we've got 2 of his sisters living with us too (one does her own laundry which is nice) so yeah I should do more laundry more often. So when tax returns came in I pulled a some just for getting (and hopefully staying) caught up. I'm proud of even being almost caught up... kinda sad really.
The meal thing could potentially work well though. If I feel like crap I can just tell someone else to pull whatever out of the freezer and make it. I may bag some rice and write in the measurements too since stirfry and teriyaki beef are some of the stuff in the freezer. Last time I had V make rice (I had a migraine) she made enough for 4 meals when I asked her to make it as a side dish. Now its funny but then it just stressed me out and pissed me off... an experience I'd rather not repeat lol.

MammaMia 15-03-2010 07:45 PM

Ahhh many posts since I last stopped in, too many to try reply but BIG HUGE CUDDLES for everyone :D Sorry, I will try reply proper later.

Arrrrgh why can't this ****en **** stop? :'( *rocks whilst hiding in denial tent*

April, I will pm you in a bit darling, you sure you don't mind :S I never did reply to your last pm, opps, but it DID help, I promise <3

Doikers 15-03-2010 08:11 PM

I'm off to bed early tonight (Again) .
I feel so drained after my nurses appointment.
Had a relaxing bath with some lavender / camomille stuff as recommended by her .
I am triggered , it's a good job I'm so drained or I'd be more un-safe .
Sleep now .
As Biffy Clyro said " Sleep is the safest place you can be "

*Group Hug*

CrazyHayley 15-03-2010 08:13 PM

nothing new to add in the past few hours, just checking in and catching up.

*more huggles* Wish that there was more I could do for us all than that though :(

MammaMia 15-03-2010 08:20 PM

Sleep well Doikers

Hayley, big squishy hug, how you feeling darl??

Well not long after my post, some 'good' stuff happened, my head is STILL feeling well & truly ****ed up though...

Sefka 15-03-2010 08:23 PM

Just stepping back in for a second to gather myself.
Tomorrow is my last session with my counsellor. No matter how I'm feeling, it all has to be resolved tomorrow and then feelings n stuff have to go on hold for a month or two. It's never going to work.
Deep breath...
...and steps back out.

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