*curls up under blanket*
Well today has sucked so bad and I have spent most of the day being angry at myself and crying which sucks I hate crying.

*Hides in the denial tent*

*hugs Charlie* whats up?

Hi atomicx xrocket *hugs if yuo want* I'm sorry you've had such a hard day.

*Hugs Oliver* Just feeling guilty for something which I really shouldn't feel guilty for.

*hugs Charlie*

Can i join in the hugs?

*hugs* << for those that need one... I know what it's like to need a hug...

*hugs Hannah*

*hugs* thanks blah today is just a bad day I hope I will feel better tomorrow but I am just stuck here with my bad thoughts for now.

Thanks for the hugs....they're needed, and appreciated.

Would like to take a little shelter here for a while... just got out of the local ward a a little over a week ago and I'm having trouble readjusting to being out here in this big scary world again. It just is so much simpler and easier to deal with in the ward than it is now. ugh. I can't do this.
*curls up and cries*

*curls up in a corner with a blanket*

Now I just wish I could stop thinking...

Morning Hug all :)

Good morning

racing thoughts and misfit emotions. and generally bad feelings. and constipated thoughts.
 

[20:31:09] <Miencer> You should take your razors and throw them away for your own safety
[20:31:27] <@m0nk> i cant
[20:31:37] <@m0nk> it would feel like im breaking a part of myself
[20:32:06] <Miencer> nods, im glad we see eye to eye :)
[20:32:21] <@m0nk> and i would never even be myself anymore. i need things to keep in touch with myself.
[20:32:31] <@m0nk> even though i dont cutted for along im
[20:32:32] <@m0nk> etime
[20:32:36] <@m0nk> time*
[20:32:37] <@m0nk> ..
[20:32:59] <Miencer> yeah agreed
[20:33:41] <@m0nk> its the feeling of a dissapointed women. and the way she sees things through our eyes is the way we self injure

thats something i said on irc. but still i havent cut for about since before last time i was in the ward wich is about one to two months ago.
i feel so down i cant sit still. and i got the urging feeling in my forehead that something stupid is gonna happen. i didnt throw away my razors theyr'e still ontop of the mirror in the bathroom. i. like i have no friends. but when i did. i owe them so much for beeing my friends at theat time. but now theyre lost cause i was thrown like a snowball across(rather north) back to my birthtown. and still i have this emotions that tells me when someone wants me to move or they are gonna change something in the way i live im gonna do something stupid. all i'm saying is i dont know what tomorrow will bring therefore i rest in the nu(nowtime*present*) and i just expect myself to get better day by day like my mother told me. but it isnt just something that drags me into the wall and voices telling me to shove off. screaming and nagging and telling me where to walk or not. i know the voices have always been there. but from my experience the voices is only your braing trying to talk from a different perspective to itself since your mind doesnt have a mouth. and mouths can are and will always be missinterpreted cause its the only defence for a better tomorrow we have. i mean. where the **** is the ppl that want to talk to me? aaand (just remembered) when talking to the few ppl i talk to i feel they hate me and is gonna knock me out wit a horrendous force. im just afraid i will start to nosebleed again. cause it means im getting sicker. i've regained some strength lingering here i live in my town but, i visualise and dreams a whole lot. if i dream something stupid it means either im gonna have a slip up like loose my balance and fall on my ass or i might just hurt myself. but since i have no friends like nearly everybody i know i went to class (high school) with lives in this town but noone of them talks to me. or even says hi when they see me. i had a few nods here and there. but nothing. i have alot of ppl i cannot communicate with over the internet that i remember from back when #alt.suicide.bus.stop was alive. and i literally knew that someone was doing the right thing bringing alot of ppl that shared the same emoticons and did the same thing like hurt themselves and it transformed to this (my theory about it)=(*c";) anyway. i have a poem for you again if its ok:)

Don't let my smile fool you,
It's only a diguise.
My life is like lightning,
and rained filled skies.

Don't let my laugh fool you,
I just am scared to tell the truth.
Don't assume my life is perfect,
Until you have your proof.

Don't let my expression fool you,
I just can't show you how I feel.
My heart has always been broken,
And I doubt it will ever heal.

Don't let my easygoing spirit fool you,
Don't think that I won't care.
Because when I need you the most,
I'm expecting you to be there.

i've been half way across the world looking for someone to communicate with but when i get back home, what do you think i get. nothing but rumours and **** that fills my head with the wrong things. its true there isnt love out there for me. i need to witness that someone would care to join me for a afternoon talking and having fun over a hot choco (koko) or some food. something we all share with eachother. :Gasp: and i feel like life is a dance but there is no roses cause someone used the flamethrower on them and the thorns got thrown into my back. it hurts inside without someone near.

havent been here in a while since im dynamic in what i do. like i do stuff then i feel what that brought me and it changes my mood on certain things and it pushes me in a different direction and then the cycle starts over again. i can be very responsive or not responsive at all. it just gives me good feeling beeing slumbering here. *takes five gingerbread boxes and places it on the table along with a six pack of christmas drinks* *cant find table* * calls for help to find table*

*drags table over*

*puts christmas drinks six pack on table; puts five boxes of gingerbread on the table*

comes in goes round everyone and gives them a hug

I cannot cope