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-   -   Could I have some support? (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=260168)

xlaurenx 10-05-2020 09:46 PM

Could I have some support?
Finding things very very hard at the moment could i have some support?

Pi.R^2 10-05-2020 10:01 PM

Hey Lauren, what's up?

one_step_closer 10-05-2020 10:31 PM

How can we help you, keep posting here if it's useful.

xlaurenx 10-05-2020 10:49 PM

I have fucked up the last 10 years of my life
I want to od and be.done with it all

Pi.R^2 10-05-2020 11:14 PM

It's tough reflecting on times of our life which could have been better spent! But I bet you can tell me ten things that you've achieved in those ten years too- things that you've overcome, things that you've managed to do in spite of being very unwell?

You can fight this. And life gets better than this.

xlaurenx 10-05-2020 11:25 PM

I have my horse
I have a job i enjoy
I have moved out of my parents

one_step_closer 11-05-2020 11:48 AM

You have done well despite your struggles and I'm sure you can learn ways to beat them. You have overdosed many times before and it hasn't killed you so I think you need to be focusing on ways to make your life feel better for you. Those 10 years are in the past, focus on the here and now and the future. I know it's really hard to change behaviours but it's not impossible. We are here to support you in any way we can.

xlaurenx 12-05-2020 08:54 AM

I was a very very anxious child,looking back.*
I was laughed at...
When i was bullied at school i would tell a teacher it would stop for 2 weeks then start again. I learned people didnt listen as if they way each time i told them and it stopped it would start again. So what was the point in telling when no one listened? I was 11.
I remember being 13. Writing a letter to my head of year with it starting ' I cant do this anymore i cant take the bullying anymore. But i didnt want people to worry about me so i ripped it up.
I was 16.
Parents found out i was.self harming. My dad demanding to know why. I told him. Im been bullied.
My dad replied 'no its not. Its not just because youre been bullied. What is it?!'
'I told you im been bullied
'No thats not the answer! What is it?!'
At 17
I couldnt cope with life anymore including the bullying.
I overdosed.
Finally. No assignments,no stress of college, no bullying,no work. Just peace.
The thing was. As i was a shy quite child i packed confidence to make friends. So i was a loner until i met two best mates in year 8. When i was 16 /17 I was in college had 'friends' But played down the bullying . as i would rather it look to people on the outside that i has friends as i didnt want ti be alone. So aslong as on the outside it looked like i was doing okay. Then that was all that mattered and i just dealt with the bullyinh, stress etc but as long as people werent worried that was the main thing.
Im 18
Im with camhs, taken X overdoses, continue to self harm often.
Nov that year.
I go cold turkey on the self harm. I dont want this to be my life.
19-23 life going reallh well. Loving family,horse, happy friends...
24 katie passed away. I start a new job. My eating disorder becomes apparent. I am with the ed team for 2 years, cut x times and need to go to a and e. Crying as they speak to the crisis team 'How have i ended up back here???'

'Dawn i cant do this anymore. I cant!!' Crying down the phone
'Lauren where are you now? Are you on th3 bridge still?'
'No in the car dawn.'
'Ok one moment Lauren.... Lauren will you come and see me and jess. You need help sweetie. You cant carry on like this lauren. Its not fair.'
Off sick for 4 months..

Im 25
Impulsive od. Call crisis. 'Lauren where are you? Se have help on the way.'
'Its ok i have fucked up i will call for help
'Lauren you know we cant do that. Where are you? Come on Lauren you know how this works
Im 26. Its friday morning. Seen my occy health more time off work. Its early saturday morning. Police knocking at my door. Wondering what i am doing at the bridge that night. its the following weds night' dawn has come around and told my parents with my consent about the abuse i have suffered. Its too much to take it. Need a release. I overdose. Again.

The following monday. I Arrived at my ed appointment jess has signed in above me. I arent seeing jess. She can fuck off.*
May: in one week i had: friends mum in hospital 12 hors3s to do after a 12 hour shift. I crashed and ended up in a and e friday night . Under home treatment team. Sunday find.out my dad lost his job. Monday. Care co rings me ' Heard you has an eventful weekend Lauren!' Tuesday speaking to liv. Wed i found out she passed away last night.

Im 27.
Its nov. Im back in a and e seeing mental health. Annoyed my plan hasnt worked. They tell me my options are admission which i dont want. Or go home. But i dont feel safe going home... Im scared to tell them this.... I go home at 1am.
08:30 back in a and e. Ive overdosed. See mh team again. Off work one month.
Dec back at work.
Its been 6 months since i saw mh team. No support apart from crisis number...

one_step_closer 12-05-2020 11:45 AM

You're very focused on the crisis points and difficult times you've had. Were there good times in between? Do you phone the crisis team when you need them?

xlaurenx 12-05-2020 12:45 PM

No since my friend passed away when i was 24 i havent really has good times as such. Not in the next.. 3 years . I spent more time on sick then i have done at work
Do i phone them. If i really have to yes.
I think its because i spoke to a friend and said all of the above to her and it made me think how I turned out like i have done

one_step_closer 12-05-2020 12:58 PM

It's hard to come to terms with how life has been when it's been difficult. You said in another thread that you wanted to reward yourself for the time when you were doing well. Is that still something you'd like to do?

xlaurenx 12-05-2020 05:15 PM

Seeing my gp at 5.
Reception asked if i was going to be safe i told them i has urges.
Dreading 5pm now. Really want them to stop but dont want to see crisis...
Fucking hate this!!!

one_step_closer 12-05-2020 05:29 PM

What do you want your GP to do for you? I hope it goes well.

xlaurenx 13-05-2020 10:02 AM

Gp has referred me back to cmht

one_step_closer 13-05-2020 12:01 PM

How do you feel about that?

xlaurenx 13-05-2020 01:32 PM

But im under crisis :(

one_step_closer 13-05-2020 04:28 PM

What is it that you don't like about crisis? Are there things they can do or stop doing that would be more suited to you?

xlaurenx 13-05-2020 06:56 PM

I just dont like having to be finding things so hard that i am under crisis

one_step_closer 13-05-2020 07:08 PM

It can be such a struggle a lot of the time. Do you think crisis can help you through this point? I know you seem to go through waves, is there something you think you need to break this cycle?

xlaurenx 14-05-2020 10:29 PM

Tbh its either crisis or home treatment.
I arent sure about that. Its normally fucked off by itself. Normally 48 hours is the max

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