*hugs*
Ally, I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better

I need to get clean...How? How?! HOW?!?!
Not feeling safe at all :(

Clean hun? What do you mean? *snuggles*

Sex is dirty.
I'm filthy and disgusting.
Need to be clean.

*snuggles* Carole that doesn't make you filthy and disgusting... You don't have to tell me but... It was consensual..?

Carole, why do you think it's dirty?

*hugs Ally back*
Stupid thing is I can feel like this after anything sexual (with someone or not). Today I was alone.

Ok hunni, well that's understandable... It's a cultural thing. But you are not filthy hun, stuff like that doesn't make you filthy *hugs*

Sex is dirty. It just is. It's such a sexist thing. Women are seen and treated as objects. I feel like an object.

*hugs back*
How are you feeling today?

Well hun, you're right, some men act that way. But it doesn't have to be that way... And it's not with all men. *hugs* I hope you can feel better about this.

Me? I'm alright I guess... I'm really not sure. I kind of want to tell someone about my wrist (my friend I'm texting actually) but I don't want to worry her or her husband (my friend as well). And I don't really want to tell my counselor on Monday but I think I should:pinch:

*hugs Ally*
If you want to tell her then tell her. Yes, she'll worry. But at least she'll know and be able to help you/ be there for you. As for your counsellor, it is probably best if you tell him/her. But its up to you really and what you feel comfortable with.

Oh, I know that it isn't all men. It's just up until now I hadn't met or expected a guy to be loving. Now it doesn't matter if it is loving and consensual, I still end up feeling crappy.

*hugs* I'm sorry Carole, that you've had such experiences
I hope it gets easier for you to accept hun.

As for my wrist and telling my counselor... *sigh* it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal...

*hugs Ally*
I know what you mean when you say that it doesn't feel like a big deal. I often feel like this the day after and therefore dont tell them which is why my previous counsellors etc have thought that I wasn't as bad as I actually was.
Maybe telling your counsellor about how close to the edge you've been getting would be of more benefit. That way you aren't hiding the truth completely and you are still not bringing up the fact that you SI'd.

:crying: I know. But I'm not sure how he'll react... And I'm not sure what to say...

I wish I could do it. I so wish I could cut...

*hugs Carole*
I know hun but it's best not to

Why? What's going to happen to me if I do?
Nothing bad would happen to me. Honestly.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so selfish.

*offers hugs and blankets round*

How is everyone today?
Ally, how are you doing?

Carole you're not being selfish *hugs*
As to why you shouldn't cut... I guess I don't know it's just what we say, right? But it doesn't really help hun, you know that... It's only temporary. *snuggles*

As for me, I don't know... Not feeling good about my wrist. Another line crossed and that's never a good thing :-(

*enters the room*

Ally's here ? Whats up hun ?

*waves for Carole*

Hey Roby, nothing much, just taking it one day at a time... feeling a bit sureal atm:indifferent:

How are you?

Emma, I see you, how goes it hun? *hugs*

Allaloneallaloneallaloneallaloneallaloneallaloneal laloneallalone... Here and in my apartment... Well, I've got the cat.
:crying:
Why did I do that? Why did I cut my wrist?:crying: now I can't get it out of my head... I feel awful... And so... Weird...:crying:

Scaredscaredscaredscaredscaredscaredscaredscaredsc aredscaredstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstup idstupidstupidstupid

not stupid hun and not alone, we will always be with you. You will never be alone. kick those awful images out of your head. You dont need them. We are with you. Stay strong.

--------------
I am back at uni and drunk. Helen is texting me saying she is alone and nobody cares. I do care but texting is way too hard in this state. ****ing hell this message has taken an age to type. I just want to be free.

*hugs everyone who needs them*

Carole you are not dirty. You are wonderful x

Carole i like you a lot and i am sorry you feel dirty but i want you to know that you are not the dirty one, not at all. the people who hurt you are dirty.

Emma dear i hope you are okay. please put the alchy away and have some water or some tea, and something simple to eat like toast or cereal or something

Alyssa i am sorry you feel scared. you aren't alone. we are all here and so is your kitty and you are in the Denial Tent with all of us. take care of yourself and please consider telling your counsellor. *sends you courage to talk*

HI ROBY

hey ally. how are you today? it's ok to feel scared about what you did to your wrist, but i think it's better to be honest with your counsellor about it. that way you can get it off your mind.

emma, i'm worried about you. are you ok?

hi to callie, carole and roby.

i think i might go for a walk today, if i ever get the energy. i shoud go out, it's such a nice day. but it's so much easier to be reclusive :s

walk is a good deai chloe! I am alright just a little stoned and drunk. Debating whether or not to SI. I want to but am thinking not. Too tired. But the crash is coming, big huge crash. just will it be lack of SI tajt causes it or lack of it?

please don't emma. i had a huge crash a couple of years ago, and tbh my cutting didn't change before, during or after it. i realised it wasn't as important as i thought. doesn't mean i managed to quit. but don't let the SI become powerful enough to control how you are feeling.
drink lots of water and go to bed hun

A walk sounds nice Cloe. I understand what you mean about being reclusive being easier.

Emma hun, please be careful. I probably would have done it any way but I'm pretty sure the alcohol helped last night when I cut my wrist.

Callie luv, thanks hun *squishes*

I'm not so much scared about what I DID so much as what I still want to do:pinch:. I keep thinking about it, doing it again... :crying: I suck

*hugs everyone*
Take care all.

*leaves a pile of hugs and more red balloons so we can all have balloons like Chloe*

*hides in her corner and puts up a kits not here sign*

it hurts to breath i dislike panic attacks i donno where to go or what to say anymore... i give up eh my fault the world needs to put disclaimers on movies... seriously...

*covers Kit with a blanket*
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad hun. What movie did you watch?

*sits silently and looks around*

Hows everyone today ?

Georgia Rule

evil evil movie :| :( bleh bed time for me.....

night night kit. we will keep an eye on you while you sleep. i've never seen that movie but don't think i will now.

hey roby. i am ok. i went for a long walk and borrowed someones camera and took lots of random pictures. so yeah. i did something active yay.

ally honey you don't suck, you're just struggling. when do u next see your counsellor?

yay for balloons.

where is everyone? emma? alexx?

Hey ally, emma, callie, alexx, chloe, carole and any1 i missed

*hugs all and leave some white chocolate chip cookies on the table*

Hope u r all well :-) I'm keeping ok...although i got uni tomorrow argh..not looking fwd to it :-(doh

heya *hugs everyone*

How are you doing Ally? I know how scary it can be when you want to do that to yourself, especially when it is so powerfully tempting but try to believe me that it is not worth it in the long run. When do you next see your counsellor? *hugs*

Hi Chloe, how are you doing? Did you go for a walk? Did it help?

I am glad you are keeping ok Jeremy *hugs* Try not to worry about uni tomorrow, it's my first day back tomorrow too....fun fun huh? Still I keep telling myself it is only a few weeks until the end of the year :)

Heya 3inchesfromtheedge (Roby?) how are you doing? Welcome to the psych ward!

Carole, I hope you managed not to cut *hugs* how are you doing now?

Are you feeling any better now Kit?

*takes a balloon and goes chasing it*

*pounces on Callie* Good to see you hun x

-----------------

I managed not to cut last night :) not sure if for the right reasons but decided it wasn't worth the hassle and going to a+e today would have just made me more behind and made me feel worse. Don't feel amazing today. My Grandad got taken into hospital last night with noro virus because he kept collapsing due to dehydration. Nothing too serious but still....although they said he should be out in a few days.

*hugs emma, ally, callie, alexx, jeremy, chloe, kit, roby and anyone I may have missed*
I hope everyone is keeping safe x

Emma, I am sorry to hear about your grandad. I hope he recovers quickly. Well done for not cutting last night :) it is a good thing, regardless of the reasons behind it.

Jeremy, am glad to know that you are doing ok.
I know how you feel as it's my first day back at uni tomorrow too :(

Chloe, it is good to be active and taking photos is great fun :) Did you photogragh anything in particular?

Ally, how are you doing? You don't suck, you are just having difficulty coping. I hope you have been able to stay safe.

Roby, how are you doing today?

I didn't SI last night but I'm having another one of my bad days today. But, when I get back to my room at uni I am going to start drinking :)

Haven't been able to get clean either :crying:
I argued with my boyfriend and he's now not talking to me. I tried to apologise but he's having none of it. I'm not sure I want to see him tomorrow (let alone talk to him) but I can't afford to miss another whole day of lecture and seminar. But I can't go and not talk to him.

*hugs Callie, Cloe, Carole, Emma, Jeremy, Kit, Roby and any one else I may have missed*I'm very sorry about that**

Callie, yay for balloons *hugs her RYL twin and then ties a balloon around her own wrist*. How are you missy?

Emma, glad you didn't cut hun, and any reason is a good reason... Shows you were strong enough to resist. I'm am sorry about your granddad... Hope he's better soon *snuggles*

Kit, I hope you slept well hun. I've never seen that movie but now I'll think twice about it.

Carole I'm sorry you argued with your boyfriend*snuggles*. Maybe he just needs a bit of time. Easy on the drink, luv. You and I both know it really doesn't help *wraps you in a safe, warm blanket*.

Cole I'm so glad you got out and took some pictures. It sounds like you had some fun too. What kind of pictures did you take?

Roby, how goes it hun? Haven't seen much to address with you (though it's very possible I'm just a twit and missed something massively important). Hope you're doing alright.

Jeremy I'm sorry you're not looking forward to going back to uni tomorrow :-( neither am I.*massive hugs* Please take care friend.
--------------------
Me? Well to answer the question that's been asked several times :-) (I love you guys) I see my counselor next tomorrow at 2 (10 for y'all across the Pond... Not sure what time for our Aussie friends). I'm not looking forward to it.
As to how I'm doing right now... Not so hot I guess. I didn't sleep well at all last night so I'm exhausted on top of just feeling lousy... And I took the butterfly bandages off the cut on my wrist way too soon... Now it's opened up a bit... Making it even more tempting to take my blade to it again:crying:
See? I really do suck:-(

*offers more hugs before retreating to her corner to cry quietly*

I've only been away for what...two nights?
And it feels like I've been away for years.
I feel completely lost....my feet arent even near touching the floor.
I have some vodka under my bed that I'd quite like to down tonight...
WHYDOIHAVETOLIKEHIMSOMUCH?!?!?!>.<
*sigh*

Yes. I'm pathetic.
I've also figured out...
I'm the source of pain and upset for everyone I come into contact with :/

Kit looks around... i didn't really slept but i slept cant explain it i feel more tired then i went to bed... Yeah not a good movie they made it totally out to be something else in the comersial here i was thinking it was gonna be a drama/comedy but yeah wasn't that... at all...

*leaves Teddy Bears and flowers for everyone who wants / need them*

*hugs everyone*

Alexx, you are not pathetic and you most certainly are not the cause to people in your life being unhappy. Please be mindful of how much you drink tonight.

Ally, I wish I could say something to make it better for you. Please stay strong. You can do this.

Emma, how are you feeling today hun?

Alexx i think you should, in a huge climactic therapeutic moment, dump the vodka down the drain and dance around with your red balloon

Kit i am sorry about the movie. really intense movies can do that to me, too, like make me depressed for a couple days it's awful. (NEVER watch Black Hawk Down or Life is Beautiful, seriously just don't) *hugs you* why don't you watch something really funny like a comedy or something to distract you?

Chloe i bet your pictures are lovely! maybe you can go for another walk today or edit the pics or something fun like that?

Jeremy good luck at uni and i hope you are feeling better hun i really do *squishes you*

Emma i hope you are having a better time now let us know how you get on

Carole how are YOU doing honey? i know yesterday was rough *hugs you*

i am completely dreading work next week, i think i am stuck in this pointless cycle and i dread therapy that i have on thursday i just dont see any point anymore and i have like as a defense mechanism or something developed a huge repulsion of him and i dont want to go i really dont think it will do any good because i dont see the point and anyway with working my therapy appts are during the workday so how would i go anyway? *decides to hide from it all in the Denial Tent and pretend it isnt happening*

Alyssa your appt tomorrow will be hard and not fun maybe but it will be good for you and after you go you will feel so much better
and you need to go and tell him
and just remember you arent alone we are all with you and you can take some of our courage
please honey you know you need it and it wont be as bad as you think
for some reason things usually arent
look how the kitty crisis turned out?
*huggles*

Ohhh red balloon :P
*dances*
*falls over*
Ow :/
I have wine :D
I was gonna pour the vodka away...then I realised I've formed a strong attachment to it...thats why its been under my bed for so long...
because its what was left over from the last time I spent the night out with him and it was really great and I felt so happy :(
I'll probably keep the empty bottle...how stupid...
Only children form attachments to inanimate objects :-(

Callie I'm sorry you're not looking forward to work or therapy. I know it can be rough when you are starting out. I hope you manage to work things out though because it's helpful, it really is. It just isn't always easy.

Carol, how goes it hun?

Alexx you are SO not pathetic *snuggles* I wish I had more for you hun.

Kit, sorry you didn't sleep well *hugs*

*retreats to her corner and cries*
I'm tired, I want to cry but I can't, I feel just awful... And I've got two exams tomorrow one of which I am nowhere near ready for:crying:

I am so sorry everyone is having such a bad time:sad: sending you all loads of hugsxxx
I have been drinking tonight, said I woudlnt but here I am! so weak!

*hides in her usual corner* i'm a horrible freakin person and an even worse mother.

*hands out lollipops*

Alexx I hope you're ok and don't srink too much, it won't be worth it in the morning.

Kit I hope you sleep better tonight and feel better in the morning.

Emma I hoe you're feeling better and I hope your Grandad gets well soon.

Alyssa I hope all goes weel for you tomorrow at your appointment.

*hugs to all*

I'm gonna wrap up on a blanket and curl up in the denial tent. I'm not much help to anyone right now but I care about you all and hope you're all keeping safe.

Liz

*hugs everyone*

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days. It's been busy.

I just want everything to stop. Or pause. Just...need time to work out what I'm going to do.

*curls up and cries*