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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Soft Kitty 14-08-2018 06:52 PM

I think you're hurting very much indeed. I can totally empathise with how it feels to be under so much scrutiny in the world, and how painful. That CSW on the ward likely needed much more training in personality disorders and was probably projecting some of his own issues - not a reflection on you. Try and keep to heart how your CPN sees you, and people here. It's in a positive light.

Serendipity. 15-08-2018 05:53 PM

I have nothing to add really but wanted to echo Soft Kitty, as she's put it so well.

How are you doing lovely? Thinking of you.

one_step_closer 15-08-2018 06:44 PM

Thank you both.

I feel stopped. Trapped. Not getting what I need and not even knowing the words for what I need. Everyone's going to disappear from my life anyway, professional wise, and I have no one else I can confide in. I need something. I need help. I can't express it.

one_step_closer 15-08-2018 07:28 PM

I phoned the informal crisis team. I asked if they were busy and the lady said she had some calls to make soon and she was the only person there. She said they're always busy now. I said I'd be ok. She said I could phone back later if I need to. I can't, I won't add to their busyness. I'm just a nothing and a no words anyway. Questions have blank answers or else the answers are hollow and don't connect to me or anything else. I feel panicky. I need to eliminate myself. I want out, forever. Please.

Serendipity. 16-08-2018 10:47 AM

I'm sorry that you didn't manage to speak to the informal crisis team. I know it can feel difficult when you know they're busy, but that really isn't your responsibility or something you need to worry about when you're struggling so much. You are just as deserving of support as anyone else.

When do you next see your CPN? Do you think you could contact her?

How are you doing today?

one_step_closer 16-08-2018 01:44 PM

Thanks Hannah.

My CPN is off this week, I'm seeing her next Wednesday. She told me not to sit and stew while she's off but to phone and speak to one of the other CPNs that I know if I need to. I'm just not sure if I have the words.

I didn't make it to my gym group today. Things are becoming so much more difficult and I am at a loss as to what to do.

one_step_closer 16-08-2018 06:04 PM

I tried to go to the gym group but I bought lunch and couldn't eat it at the bus station because a worker I know was there and I didn't want to risk people maybe being in the leisure centre early and I'd have to talk to them so I couldn't eat it there either. I didn't know what to do but just went home. I was looking at books in a charity shop and people were crowding around me a bit so I left. I saw one of the ladies from the reading group when I was doing my morning stuff and we spoke and I acted like an idiot. I saw a neighbour on the bus home and was making plans to get off at a different bus stop unless she did. I'm socially awkward.

I tried to phone my previous CPN but she wasn't at her desk. The receptionist said she'd get her to phone me back but I said it didn't matter. I went to Tesco and saw the team leader of the organisation that does the gym group etc and we spoke. The gym group worker will tell her I didn't go to the group and she will say she saw me and I was fine so I must not be engaging with support. The worker at the bus station will say she saw me too. I feel so unable to explain anything. There's nothing that can be done. No one can offer me anything because there is no clear problem, I have a lot of support, and I'm mostly functioning.

No one can hear me. It really does feel like that. There's no brain-type feedback that makes me feel heard. I'm saying normal words in structured sentences but it's like when some people who are unwell are saying things that make absolutely no sense but it makes sense to them and of course people won't then understand. Why do I feel like I have to be heard anyway? I am an adult and I need to get on with things myself. I'm sick of who I am and I'm sick of bullying myself and I'm sick of there being reasons to bully myself. I need someone right now but that's wrong. Grow up. I'm not going to reach out to anyone until my appointment with my CPN anyway because it's just not helping and I'm wasting valuable time and resources.

one_step_closer 16-08-2018 07:49 PM

I'm having so many intrusive thoughts and risky urges/impulses, especially at night. I never get into any danger when I act on them anyway so I suppose it doesn't matter. It matters even less because I don't always act on them. Getting tired.

one_step_closer 16-08-2018 08:16 PM

OMG I feel like I am absolutely fucking insane! I need to do things but it's not dark yet. I wish I could bash myself to sleep.

(Sorry, I know this could go in a ranting thread but I just want to keep the opportunity for replies open to any of my rambling crap).

Soft Kitty 16-08-2018 08:32 PM

It does matter if it makes you distressed. It is very risky too to go out when you're vulnerable. Cloud you call the crisis team this evening and tell them how risky you feel? There's no need to apologise for rambling here, it is your space.

one_step_closer 17-08-2018 06:00 PM

Thanks. I don't feel able to phone anyone, I'm too conscious of wasting time and resources. No one can really hear me and there are no relief options, no support options, and no treatment options that will help me. I want to keep knocking myself out with overdoses like I used to do. This time last year I was in hospital after overdosing, I think that was my last overdose. One whole year. I used to end up in hospital once or twice a month with overdoses but now I can't even swallow much. I'd do it again if I could. I can't learn new ways to feel different.

I'm trapped and hurting and it can only get worse. Everything feels shit but nothing is actually shit. I want to wander and wander and wander but there is no solution. Everything is pointless. Just walk away from things. Walk to X and end things forever. There is zero hope in life and I am sure of that. I can't even stand to be me. I want to control who sees me but I throw out such a huge impact that can't help but be noticed and judged. I am hideous.

I don't have the words to get what I need because there is nothing that can be done for me. I am pathetic and ungrateful. I have no reason to feel this bad, my life is settled. I hate myself.

one_step_closer 17-08-2018 07:33 PM

I went for a short walk and it was really scary but then I have to come home to other scary things too. There's no escape. I don't think any words adequately describe the scariness etc. Nowhere is safe. I was listening to my music on my walk but other noises still found me. Then smells and people and stuff. I wished I had my fidget cube but it's too noisy and makes people look at me more. I felt like I was going to cry. Nowhere is safe. I feel like I have to be in and out of the house lots, back and forward, wander into danger and then retreat back to different danger. Everything is fucked up. Then it will get dark. Then I'll have to go to bed and struggle to sleep then struggle to get up. I need a human with me face to face for some reassurance. There are only a small number of trustworthy humans. The concept of me is blurry yet intense and intrusive. I am alone in this and I am bad at reassuring myself. Ask me a question and there is no proper answer. No connected answer. It's all floating. There is nothing but pain. How can heaviness only translate into floating words? I am seen but I am actually unseen. I want to X. I want to die. I could maybe try phoning Breathing Space because I really don't want to phone the informal crisis team and be continually aware that I'm a burden to them. I am a burden to me and that is more than enough. But talking just passes time and then they say goodbye and I have to face fear again and it's closer to bed time where I will struggle to sleep and then struggle to get up. Bash my head until I die. Please someone kill me. I am evil and there is no place in the world for me.

And I look like a complaining idiot. These are my feelings. I feel too much. I'm sorry for looking like a complaining idiot. I am not trying to get attention. I am hurting. Can't deal.

tamobhuuta 20-08-2018 11:49 AM

Thinking of you x

one_step_closer 31-08-2018 04:30 PM

Thank you.

There are still not really any words to explain things. Even good and bad don't seem to be the right general terms although I know things aren't good. Maybe they're a bit more neutral than usual. I don't know. It's all over the place, sort of. No right words anyway. Home scary stuff is a bit less scary anyway. My CPN asked if writing things for her would help to explain things rather than being put on the spot during our appointments and normally it would but everything is so ??? How can I explain anything when there are no descriptions, no images, no labels? I feel very alone.

I'm getting more socially anxious and anxious in general but in some ways it's not stopping me from doing everything just some things. I guess I just need to deal with it. My support worker is going to college so is reducing her hours and she's going to be at college on the days when the library reading group is on so she can't come. She's going to see if someone else can come with me but, I don't know, no one at the group knows I get support to come they think she's my friend. I don't think I'm ready to go without support though, really really really. And I don't want to have to stop going either.

I had a home fire safety visit from the fire brigade and was very anxious. It felt so strange to be doing my anxious movements etc in front of people who weren't MH professionals because I rarely have contact with anyone who isn't a MH professional.

It will be 17 years since my Mum died on Sunday. I don't think I'm too bothered to be honest, as bad as that sounds. I remember the events very, very well but not the emotions most of the time. It might be a bit weird because it was a Sunday that she died on and obviously not every 2nd September will be a Sunday but this one is.

I can't deal with life without support. I am weak and easily hurt by myself and others. I'm not easily physically hurt by myself though, I am useless at that and what I want the most is to self harm and overdose to an extent that I'm 'happy' with. I just hate myself. I'm trapped until I die. Pointless post I know. Pointless life.

Serendipity. 31-08-2018 04:40 PM

Not pointless. It's totally okay to get things out here and I know that it isn't the same as having someone actually there but hopefully having people read and respond can help you feel even a tiny bit less alone with it all.

I don't think you're weak at all. I don't think it's weak to struggle so much but keep going and keep trying to improve things.

I hope that someone else can go with you to the reading group. It's brilliant that you've been able to start going to that, I know it can't have been easy.

Is there anything you could plan for Sunday to make things a little easier for yourself if you do find that you struggle a bit? It doesn't sound bad that you can mostly cope with it okay. None of your feelings are bad.

I think writing things down for your cpn sounds like a good plan, though I can understand it being difficult and frustrating when you can't find any words that seem to explain things. Maybe until your next appointment you could try just noting things down whenever you feel able to, even if it's just the odd word, or something about how you're struggling to explain things, and see what you end up with. If there's anything you've written here that seems appropriate, you could always use that as well.

Thinking of you x

one_step_closer 31-08-2018 06:32 PM

Thanks Hannah.

I sort of feel like I should just stop going to the reading group. I'm going to have the support to go there taken away at some point and I don't know if I'll ever manage to do it on my own. I know it's normal to have difficulties with certain things, everyone has their own stuff, but I feel like I am way too unable to do 'normal' things. I feel like I'm only getting by because I don't do any socialising outside of support groups or with my brother, and I don't do a lot of the things that other adults have to do. Life is too scary and overwhelming for me. I can't move forward from the way things are now but I won't be allowed to live like this state forever, I will be pushed into things I can't handle.

I watched part of a documentary about suicide and a guy said he had suicidal ideations about 2 times a month. It made me realise a bit just how much feeling suicidal and thinking about suicide and sometimes planning suicide takes up in my life. I am suicidal to some degree most days if not every day. And I saw an article about being stigmatised for having BPD is one of the main triggers for a crisis point, so true. I don't see how BPD will ever be understood. We hurt and then we are met with criticism and dismissal. I cope with a high degree of emotional agony routinely, on my better days I can feel sort of neutral but my baseline mood isn't a good one. It's so hard. It's such a battle.

If Sunday gets difficult I might phone the informal crisis team but I don't anticipate there being many issues. 17 years is a very long time. I have been alive without my Mum around for longer than I have been alive with her around.

I write in my diary every day but I don't think anything is expressing things properly in a way that my CPN would understand. Maybe some of what I've written here today will a little, I don't know. There is just a huge ??? that has no words to describe it.

I don't want to do this any more.

one_step_closer 01-09-2018 06:22 PM

I can't stay in the moment. I was watching TV and one of my cats was sitting next to me and I was thinking about how lots of people don't have many moments like that and I'm so lucky. Then I just get scared about things changing in the future and I'm so worried that I'll be trapped in a worse life. I need to know there is a sure way out of life if I can't cope with additional pressures when they arrive. I don't want to have to try and bear more suffering.

I just want to self harm well. I can't cope with things using pain and damage and out of it feelings any more and I'm so sad about that. I've thought of a possible way to get around my problem swallowing enough tablets to overdose on but I'm trying not to do it because it will start a draining journey if I have to get myself checked out at A&E or something. I'm too tired to go through any kind of process like that. I can't deal with life any more. What I have to take isn't something that will give me an out of it feeling anyway. Life is just about avoiding additional pain as much as possible. I can't let go of the pain I am already burdened with. I need to act. I need to do something risky but nothing ever turns out right. There is no solution. I am trapped.

tamobhuuta 01-09-2018 08:11 PM

Sorry, I'm not clear, are you wanting to SH to kill yourself, to take a risk, or to have a break from feelings?

one_step_closer 02-09-2018 06:23 PM

A combination of all three to varying degrees I think.

tamobhuuta 02-09-2018 07:55 PM

OK, just wanted to be clear. Is there anything at all that helps with your emotional pain? That isn't harmful I mean, even just for a few minutes.

Sorry if I am repeating myself!


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