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-   -   things are hard. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=260266)

Ahimsa 31-05-2020 11:24 PM

things are hard.
Things are just feeling really hard, I don't know what there is anyone can say but I'm reaching out anyway.

I've been put on propanalol, but I don't trust my Dr at all so I"m not taking it until they get me someone else to see, she gave me someone else's test results over the phone - results to do with something I have PTSD about! Its not safe for me to take anything she's prescribed.

I had a meltdown on the phone to my manager yesterday, she's been really kind and knows how much pressure I'm under and is doing all she can to help me - but we're a small and struggling business (there's 5 of us, one is furloughed, one is brand new, one is freelance and we've had to cut down her hours, and then there's me and my boss) and so I'm doing a lot. But I'm making mistakes, and I beat myself up for that.

The last 2 people to take time off for anxiety didn't come back, and I love my job so much, I'm reluctant to take time off. Plus when I do, I don't relax, I worry.

I moved house just before lockdown, my first time living alone, I have 2 new pets, my whole job has changed, I've not had a hug in 10 weeks, NONE of my usual releases or wind downs are an option because of lockdown, I'm not sleeping - of course things are going to be hard. Of course I'm going to make mistakes and thats okay but it doesn't feel it.

I have zero proper support, my GP said I could be referred to IAPT (Improving Access to Pyschological Therapies) - who have rejected me because I'm not stable enough, or CHMT - who have rejected me because I'm not unwell enough for them. If I were to make an attempt on my life I'd be put on a waiting list (my GP's actually words!!) - so there's no option for me. I'm just on my own.

I'm not sleeping, eating is hard, I have NO focus, I mowed half the grass and got distracted so its just half done, I can't watch anything longer than about 15 minutes because I get distracted.

I've made myself a list of things I have to do each day, things like "open the curtains" or "wash up" - not difficult things, but things I'm finding difficult to do.

I don't know what I want from this but I'm struggling.

one_step_closer 01-06-2020 05:13 PM

I'm sorry you're finding things so difficult, it certainly seems like a lot and many people would struggle in your situation. Will the surgery be allowing you to speak to another doctor? Could you even change doctors for good if that's possible? It's scary when a doctor makes a mistake and I know it can be hard to trust them again. Is there a pharmacist you can talk to about the med in the meantime?

I'm glad your manager is trying to support you as best as she can. Would it help to talk to her more regularly about how things are? I'm sorry you beat yourself up for your mistakes, it sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you which makes you bound to make some mistakes but we all make mistakes anyway. What is it you worry about when you take time off work, that you might not make it back? Could you make some kind of plan with your manager to test the water with time off and see how it goes? Or is there something within the workplace she can do to make things a bit more manageable for you?

That must be extra hard changing your living situation just before lockdown. Are you still in contact with people at least? What's making sleeping hard for you?

That is really awful with the lack of support. Are there any charities who would help you since I think some places offer emergency support to people who are struggling to access CMHT support etc. There might be a helpline you can call, which I know isn't really good enough.

I know how difficult it can be to focus on things and then how difficult it can be to continue with them. Are there any things that feel ok that you could do? You could give yourself a break from the mundane things for a while. What do you do when you're feeling distracted? Do you skip from one activity to the next, just sit and do nothing, or what? I find that trying to force myself to stick with one small thing for more than X minutes which would be my usual lack of focus time can help to keep your mind on the task.

I hope you at least don't feel so alone here. Please keep posting if it helps.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 11-06-2020 07:45 AM

How are you doing sweetheart?

Sending hugs.

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