ok tonight I think I need to be in padded cell in here for definate. I was doing well this morning but f**cked up this afternoon and don't actually feel any better for it, so had better stay away from harm so that i don't try and make myslef feel better in a bad way.
If I get lonely I'll shout through the walls.
Hope everyone is having a better day today.xx

hugs and :kiss: to anyone and everyone



X

*snuggles all the lovely people in the psych ward before retreating to her corner to huddle in a small ball under her blanket*

Sorry I've been AWOL recently... I've not been very motivated to even get out of the house and since I haven't had to work this week (save for Monday) it's been pretty easy not to leave the apartment (I moved btw, and as soon as I can replace the blackberry I dropped one too many times I'll take some pictures and share them... it's tiny but cute).

Case worker stuff isn't any fun. Get to see him once a week... it's basically like having another therapist... down to the 'how often, how deep, what do you use' cutting questions :pinch: The guys not much older than me and was in the psychology depertment here at uni at the same time I was (though he finished before I did) and worked at the dining hall as well (where I work)... :crying: I don't WANT another person I have to answer to, another person I have to be accountable to, someone else I have to tell how I'm feeling, how my meds are working, how long and how bad has my depression been, all that humiliating stuff :crying:

Sorry, rant.

Love you all, really, please take care

PS copying and pasting to my thread so no worries about looking there because it won't be anything new, at least not today... I've got to go home and drink

*looks for her across the pond drinking buddy* Emma, you need to live here in the states with me :yeah:

*returns to join Ally in a night of drinking*

I am looking at the states for my post grad. Apparently we need to apply in a years time so I figure I should start considering places now. Plus if nothing else, it is a distraction. What good unis are near you Ally?

Well that depends on the programe... In washington state the two best are the University of Washington and Washington State University. Some lesser known are not always that bad (the one I went to for undergrad has a pretty good graduate programe for psychology)...

*hands Emma her bottle of champagne*

*takes champagne, looks for a glass....sees none and swigs from the bottle* Yep, I'm classy lol.

It would be for History or Literature based.....*goes to look for University of Washington*

*offers wine*

I need a bit of reality and somewhere safe from myself, so I'm checking in for while.

How is everyone?

I slept late. It isn't yet 5pm. I'm wiped. I'm off to see what cans are in my pantry, get some dinner, read the sunday paper, the comics and ads mostly. The rest is just noise.

*jumps on chloe and ally*

I missed u guys!! xxx

*hugs everyone*

Trying to look for summer jobs. Great! But SO frusrating. Everything I've looked at bar one, I can't do because of my hearing issues and usually because I don't have a ****ing driving lisence.

*is quite frusrated*

*sits down in a corner, draws knees up to chest, wraps arms around knees, and rocks...... staring off into oblivion*

*hugs Amanda*

You ok hunni?

not really... I posted about it in vets support and in mental health

*snuggles*

I'll go look :)

62 painkillers
16 antibiotics
a packet of sleeping tablets
35 caffeine tablets
28 AD's


so pretty, so menacing, so entrancing. Someone give me the courage to take them. Please...

*hugs* Em please don't take any of them huni it's not worth it, and i am soo not giving you the courage to take them no chance and i'm sure nowon else will aswell, whats making you feel like taking them hun??

xxxEmmaxxx

Please don't.

Pease Emma. You want to go to the states and see Ally? You can't do that if you're dead from all those pills. Don't you want the chance of having so many great oportunites including getting better? You won't ever know if you took all of those and died...(which I really think you would). Please Em, you're stronger than those pills. Maybe you can't see that yet but deep down in your sub concious, you know you are better than that.

Please. Don't make me have to try not cry on holiday because I miss you. Don't make me have to come home to "Emma's od'd/Emma's died".....dont please?

*massive snuggles*

I love you Em x

don't you dare. DON'T YOU DARE! *glares*

*sits worrying*

em, read my thread about my od and how worried and scared people were... it would be EXACTLY the same with you. EXACTLY! Don't you DARE! Please.

hey jeremy. how are you?

emma, please don't. please. i couldn't cope if something happened to you, and i know helen and emma and all us feel that way too. *hugs*

Very true Chlo *hugs you lots*

Emma, please don't. Please. I know I shouldn't ask, but....please think of us all? *snuggles* Like how you tell us not to do this & that. How do you think we'd feel if we lost you? We be ten times worse. Infact I would NEVER forgive myself....

*comes out of padded cell into ward*
I don't know you emma but I know one thing since my short time here on RYL and in this psych ward, everyone is great at listening and supporting eachother through the toough and horrendus times. Please don't give in, I OD'd 8years ago, the doctors were beffled how I survived, I was pissed off at the time for surviving and all I had to show for it was damaged kidneys and liver. The worst part is seeing what it does to those around you, I thought I'd be ending their pain, no longer a burden, but the truth is when people love you they don't think of you as a burden and just want to help you. Let your friends listen to your deepest darkest woes and let them support you through this tough time, you can make it through and come out stronger and an example of hope for the rest of us.
I just hope I haven't posted this too late after the intial post but I was having my own crisis. sorry.xx

Hayley, that was a beautiful post. *snuggles you*

Emma, please check in?

*Sending everyone loads of hugs*

Em how are you doing huni?? please let us know your ok *hugs*

How's everyone else today?? xxx

*jumps on Emsie*

:P

Love you.

Omg, I have to go to my counsellor. For the last time. I don't want to say goodbye :(

I'm fed up now....I really want to start work...but they are still trying to sort out my shifts....I NEED to start work...I need something to take my mind of EVERYTHING... :/

*Runs and hides* hehehe,

luv ya 2 hunni and counselling will be fine as i've already said :) let us know how it goes when you come back, it'll prob be hard but you'll get through it ok cause your strong *hugs*

Sending you loads of hugs Alex, hopefully they will sort them out soon hun then you'll be working, what job is it that your gonna do??

xxx

Working in the Co-op bank..helping customers with problems they have.
I'm sick of being sat around all day... :(

Cool, well i hope you hear from them soon hun *hug* and i know the feeling, i don't have a job even tho i need one and it does my head in sitting around doing nothing all day and every day.

---

I don't feel so great :( i should be ok but i'm not, i was gonna go see my baby cousin but i don't think i should with the way i feel right now :( but oh well. xxx

Blah i feel like crap chloe :-(

So wanna OD too argh..

but yeah, oh well..i'll manage somehow hmm


*cuddles emma* plz look after urself there and stay safe xxx

Gnite all..tc there.. and *leaves some hot chocolates behind*

Emma, flush those things. Please?

I'm somewhat overwhelmed about my day. Still can't decide if I want to have an inch cut off my hair or not. Not a life or death decision.

I see my psychiatrist this afternoon. Believe it or not, I think I'll talk to her about it.

I want to go hide under the table. I need to check a couple of more things then start pressing half inch hems into 40 place mats and 40 serviettes. Linen, highest possible temp of the iron. Too bad I can't hide under the ironing board.

Sorry i'm of no help.

*hugs all around*
*leaves a bowl of potato chips/crisps behind.

*comes in and wraps self in a blanket on a comfy sofa* hi all

*cries in the corner*

Emmmmma? I need to hear from you, we're worried.

Today's been emotional. Never did I think I'd see Julie cry, well wipe away tears. Poor thing. She's pretty amazing and I'm glad she was my counsllor *sighs* Another few have left her nest as it were...

*munches on virtual food thats been left by other lovely people*
I really wish that I had something insightful to add at the moment to give people strength and courage, but I can't say anything other than I'm wishing everyone well and if you need to chat PM me as I know sometimes its easier to talk to someone you don't know very well than your closest friends and seeing as I'm new here I don't know anybody very well. I'm 27 so have some experience and you don't have to worry about triggering me with whatever, i don't get triggered by other people, just my own crazy head.xx

OMG.

I HATE ANTI-MARLIA TABLETS

*sobs*

NASTY NASTY NASTY NASTY

:(

*sitting rocking in corner*

*nursing a 2 inch cut on belly* might need doc

cindy thinks i should book myself into real hospital but they'll take my son into care!!!!!

*scared of ones self*

*sighs and shakes head*
*double checks that bandanna is in pocket*
I'm so not ladylike.

Turns out my friend, though conscious, still only has a 10% chance to survive. Knowing me, this will not hit me until tomorrow(tues) or wednesday. A friend who is closer to the situation passed on the doc's report to me. Since my psychaitrist is a medical doc first, i'll ask her to take a minute to explain the big medical words.

I forgot, I have to do twenty pouches to hold party favors. Those were on top of the stuff I'd cut out, so am getting them done first. All they need is hems and those were pressed in before i did the seams. My back hurts and I can almost feel the scoliosis curve getting worse. So basically I'm part done with the first 20 of 100 pieces.

Heard my father's voice in my head shouting about the poor quality work i'm doing. Shouted at him to go away. No hallucinations, just memories changed into how he would react. Mean authoritative perfectionist hillbilly. Go away, i'm an adult now and quite a capable one at that.

Sorry, talking a lot. Sigh.

*mutters and panics in the corner*

*peeks in for a bit*
*leaves hugs for everyone*

You got the job :D
Yeah I'm a bit behind, but well done =)
What's up hun?

*hugs everyone*

Useless as usual, so hugs will have to do, sorry :(

*hugs everyone*

Sorry for last night. I'm here and physically ok.

*jumps on emma and never lets go :)*

Stay safe hunni, please x

Hun I'm glad you're here and ok physically.
It'll get better mentally too, really.
xxx

haha the world is great... yes .... great...

*locks self is box and rolsl self down a cliff*

*hugs*

Don't you dare miss Jess!

Don't you dare. Please. I need you. *cries*

Don't do it anymore? Please?

staying safe is so hard. why should we? why shouldn't we? why can't everything jus tbe butterflies and roses :'(