I miss being there
Been a while since Iíve been on here. I donít really post but the last few weeks Iíve been really missing a few things. Let me explain so it all makes sense, this might take a while lol **please donít read if you donít like or itís a trigger reading about medication, weight loss or eating patterns**
Back in September 2018 I was sent to emergency Drs in a hella lot of pain and was prescribed opioids. Codeine to be exact. I went to multiple Dr appointments in that time and lots of tests which came back that I had Gallstones. Great... I met with a surgeon and went on a waiting list. I was given Tramadol instead of codeine to cope with the pain and I couldnít eat anything over 4g of fat cause I would end up in utter agony. I was signed off work for the majority of the time and ended up waiting all the way until March of this year. One evening I was in incredible pain and wasnít keeping food, liquid or medication down so got rushed to A&E. After some scans and stuff I was rushed up to the emergency surgery unit and was given tramadol and injected with morphine and put on anti sickness. I went for an ultrasound and found the gallstone was stuck so I needed emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder all together - now this is why I posted.
I cried ... I was scared as hell. Iíve never been in hospital. Never had surgery. I had to stay in overnight. My mum brought me up a load of stuff. I sat most the night watching great britishn bake off dozing on n off to the sound of paul Hollywoodís voice while high on painkillers, then being woken up to take my codeine and have my vitals checked every 4 hours ish. In the morning I was greeted by a kind nurse who gave me a gown, towels and let me shower. He told me about what I canít do and can do. I booked my breakfast and lunch for the day after - my first proper meal in over 6 months. Bliss. When it hit 6am I couldnít drink anything or eat. I had visitors and spent most of the time waiting, sleeping, looking at the amazing views from my window or watching stuff. When my surgery came round I was terrified. I remember laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. We went into this cold white room where they were trying to chill me out cause my heart rate was fast. Lol. I was put to sleep and all I remember was the ceilings looking all wavy and funny.
I woke up in the recovery room to a nurse who fed me water and put oxygen on me and wheeled me to my mum. I was groggy but felt very comfortable otherwise. I needed help getting up and doing normal things. I stayed in again and the nurse hunted for a cheese sandwich for me. In the morning I could shower, had a huge breakfast and lunch which I demolished and got discharged in the evening. Now why I wrote all that is because Iím now starting to really miss being in hospital. I missed every bit of it. I can probably guess why, I rarely take time for myself and Iím always looking after others and when the time came where I was kinda like a baby again. Needing help walking and being looked after. I felt peace. Although at the time it might not have felt it.
I miss knowing Iím safe. Responsibilities? What are they? Everything is accommodated for you. Then when I got back it was back to reality. Back to the real world
I just want to know that Iím not alone in this and that Iím not just stupid for thinking this! A positive from this all is that Iím now working at the hospital I was admitted too! :D
I don't think you're stupid for feeling that way at all. The combination of medication you were on, and being taken care of when you weren't used to it, probably felt very different and comforting. Lots of people find comfort from being in hospital - there were times in my past that I think I felt that way to some extent.
That's amazing that you're now working in the same hospital. Well done.
You didn't mention wanting advice so disregard the next bit if you don't want it!
I think it's really important that you identified why you felt how you did about hospital - that you need to take time for you, to nurture yourself and hopefully be nurtured by others. Maybe this is something you could work into each day or week? Even if it's just making yourself a hot chocolate and curling up under your favourite blanket for half an hour each day. It may not be the same, but in some ways it's better, because you can do self-nurturing things pretty much any time you choose.
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