awww Oliver *cuddles* I'm sorry.

Oh Oliver I'm sorry to hear that :( *Big Hugs* Take your time getting your head sorted out.

Sorry to hear that Oliver =[ *hugs*

*hugs oliver* i'm so sorry to hear that. remember we are here if you need to vent/rant about anything.

*hugs mark and crimson* how r u guys?

*hugs helen* i'm sorry that you didn't get to sleep very well last night. Whenever I can't sleep i get in a very low mood as well. hope that you are doing okay-ish today.

*hugs louise* how r u doing?

*hugs lex* whats wrong hun?

*hugs kahlia* that is awesome that you are able to get a present for your parents. It sounds like the perfect gift.

I'm still upset about how much people have been talking about me rather than to me... for some reason it is really really bothering me. I guess it reminds me of some situations from when i was younger, like ages 11-14. Really anxious right now too, combination of test anxiety for tomorrow and just me being upset and low.

Still really low Laura, but been busy all of this afternoon, so that's something I suppose. Just want my best friend =[ *cuddles* Sorry you're feeling so bad.

*Hugs Laura * It sucks being talked about :( I hope your anxiety comes down soon .

*Hugs Helen*Sometimes being busy is good :)

*hugs Mark* Indeed..

Oliver Im sorry to hear that :( I hope you feel better soon xo

it sucks to be me. I do stupid freakin' stuff. Like thinking an appropriate response to "your nanas really poorly and has just come out of hospital...we didnt want to tell you coz we thought it would upset you" is to go get, get **** faced and start an argument with a bouncer 8 times the size of me because he wont let me back in the club and its raining. As well as others stuff that I cant quite remember....they are blurs....like chattingup a barman to get free shots...
WHY DO I DO THIS?!?!?!?!
Im such a freakin' ****. GR

Oh Lex I'm sorry to hear about your Gran:( and your "Bouncer incident" :S you're not a **** , you just had some bad news and needed to , one way or another, get out of your head for a little while , we all do it , through drink or S.I. or whatever, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it *Huggles*

I was sat outside in the smoking area as well with my mate...and these two guys came over and one of them hit it off really well with her and the other guy was talking to me and coz i was drunk...i wasnt watching my mouth and next minute he went "So are you bi-polar or do you just crave attention?" and I didnt know whether to laugh cry or punch in in his smarmy mouth

*cuddles Alex and Mark*

*Hugs Helen Back*

*Hugs Lex*

*hugs everyone tightly*

I just woke up, been sleeping since I got home from my wisdom teeth removal... still pretty drugged up, so I won't attempt individuals. Psych eval didn't happen this morning because he was running late and I had my surgery to get to...

Next week hopefully. I'm wandering back off to bed.

*lots and lots of hugs to everyone*

hi all
thought I would update you on my music course week like I promised

so went to my music course as a girl, was really hard. went to the pub one night and just couldn't talk to people, because I felt like such a fraud, so I just stood on my own freaking out.
so when we got back to the school we were staying at I was really freaking and couldn't keep going like that, so was pacing the corridor outside my room because I was sharing with someone and didn't want to disturb her (so I was in the girls block), a member of staff saw me and asked what was wrong. So I started saying I'm not being me here I'm just lying and I can't take it. She asked what I meant, but I just couldn't get the words out to say I'm trans. So eventually she said look I've heard something about you and asked if that was true, so I said yes and she just said ok if you want us to call you a different name then that is fine we will do and she said that all the other staff sort of knew (and in fact the conductor had come up to me the day before and asked if I prefer to be called Oliver these days)
so next day this staff member has told all the staff and someone in my section, and conductor starts calling me Oliver in rehearsals, she also tells my friend(who I was sharing with) to explain why I was moving rooms.
so everyone in the orchestra starts to know and saomeone in my section said rumours had been going around at the easter course, so eeryone knew!! so got to wear the male concert dress, I love bow ties, everyone found it funny cos I was the only one to go back on the coach in it and sat up watching a film in common room in it, staff thought it was sweet.
so it turned out ok and the scary director lady I was worried about gave me a big hug and said she admired me and I had to come back next year because my playing is amazing
so stuff was going ok until I got back last night to being dumped, well was basically dumped by text while i was on the train back, then had to see him to talk, then went to friends flat, a mutual friend, who let slip about the 49 year old woman he has been sleeping with for the past week.
I feel so angry and hurt right now, I want to kill him. I have to see him at uni and bound to bump into him in the next few weeks and the woman is here in manchester, she was over at his last night after I left.
**** sorry for my ranting, I promised an update also sorry there are no individual replies my head is so ****ed up right now and I havn't caught up with everything so meh.
*cuddles to you all*

Taz, hope you're feeling better soon.

Oliver, glad the course went well & they let you be who you really are :D That's really good & everything. Again, really sorry to hear what's happened between you & Alex. I'm sorry he's treated you like that. We're here to support you if you want to talk/rant/etc about anything :) Don't worry about individuals, think everyone's really struggling and not doing them. It's okay...just wish we weren't all struggling so much.

I'm in a really bad headspace right now. Had a mini flashback/intrusive thoughts thanks to a book I was reading, which I forgot had scenes of SA in it. :( So now I'm triggered... but the good news is, I still don't really want to cut. Yey. But I feel so... spacy & zoned out.

I'll try to do individuals soon. I'm really sorry for being so out of it lately. Have been thinking of you all lately though. Sorry for no cuddles, I think if I touched someone I would scream at the contact. :(

*huggles everybody*

Sorry in advance for the lack of individual replies.

Oliver: I'm really glad that the orchestra course worked out so well for you, but I'm really sorry about what happened when you got back. :-( I know that you are feeling hurt and angry, but maybe you can concentrate on the feeling of wearing the male concert dress? Just from the way you have talked about it it sounds like that was almost a dream come true for you, so it might be something to hold on to ... I don't know, just an idea.

*leaves big hugs and safe love and care packages for everyone*

Updated my r/v... I hid the SA trig stuff & put a warning up for it... am really really NOT doing well tonight.

:crying:

*hugs taz* hope your wisdom teeth.. or lack there of actually... feel better soon. I hated having mine out 2 years ago.

*hugs helen* Glad that you've been keeping busy but sorry you're still really low. here if you need to talk

*hugs oliver* don't worry about the lack of individuals, we understand that you're going through a lot right now with alex. I'm sorry that he treated you like that.. thats horrible.
Its really good that you got to be yourself at the music course though! I'm really happy for you about that.

*hugs april* i'm sorry that you were triggered by the book. I read your r/v. I don't really know what to say hun, but i'm here if you need to talk. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

*hugs mark*

*hugs lex* I agree with what mark said about not beating yourself up about the other night. Also, what that guy said was really insensitive. I'm sorry that he said that. Don't take that too personally either, he sounds like he was just acting uneducated.

Found out that tomorrow, on top of taking that 4 hour exam, I also have to restart work in the evening. it's going to be a long day. My evening has been full of anxiety attacks over everything... I just want to SI over and over.

Can I please just disappear now :-(

I'm sorry we are all struggling so much. I'm sorry to whine about my nothing.

no disappearing lovely <3 try to keep fighting, i promise its worth it to fight <3

oliver- im sorry bout being dumped, but im glad it sounds like all the staff and people at your camp were supportive and you got to be yourself =] i agree with kahlia [i think >< cba to go back to last page] maybe try to focus more on the fact you got to wear the male concert dress etc? i dunno.

*offers safe cuddles in a jar to april if want* i'll go read your rant <3

*hugs alex* i agree, try not to beat yourself up- you were dealing with the bad news- obviously not in a good way but <3 message me on fb if u want

gah i cant focus. and i gotta get off in like 10 minutes and i hate this... i cant sleep, and then i just sit in my room by myself and end up thinking and tbh the only reason i havent cut yet is cuz i cant do it where i wanna and it doesnt feel as good anywhere else. and im sick of everything and dont wnana be home anymore and dont even have anything to look forward to... im only going part time to the community college cuz if you're not degree seeking you cant go full time [dumb] so will only be there monday and wednesdays [all day... which is gonna suck cuz will HAVE to eat in public or can just avoid eating... great] and i still dunno bout insurance and i just... grr. i gotta get up at 9 again... which i guess is lateish but when i have nothing to do the day just ****ing stretches out for AGES and if i dont get up at 9 dad refuses to pay for college... >< only good thing is i dont have any tuesday night classes... if i had to not go to group AND deal with all this... yeah. though i always feel like everyones looking at me going 'well at least i dont look like her ><' but everyone on facebook's talking bout going back to uni and =[ *screams*

*stops whining*
hope everyone has a better day tomorrow <3

*cuddles heather* you don't have to worry about whining here, we'll always listen. i'm sorry that you have so much going on right now with uni and family stress.

thanks laura <3

*huggles everyone*

We got our new modem/router today and since we've configured it my email isn't working. My housemate says he'll take a look when he gets home but it's kinda pissing me off because there could be some stuff in one of the accounts that I really need, and that account I can't check online.

On the good side the first of my books arrived today!! The postie actually rode halfway back up the street on his motorbike because it somehow got missed the first time which was pretty cool.

Also our oven has pooped itself. We figured it was something to do with the thermostat and we were right. The electrical guy came and pre-heated the oven today to 250C then took a look at the thermostat and it was "clicking" at 150C. The piece the tells the thermostat it is too hot has carced it and has to be replaced but it's going to take 5 to 10 business days if the part is able to be found in Australia!! That frigging ridiculous. I can have a book - which is definitely bigger than that part would be - here from the UK in 7 business days!

Sorry about that, I'm sure none of you were interested ...

*leaves hugs and safe care packages for all*

Can't do anything right. I can't cope anyway. *curls up and cries*

Laura, I hope your day goes okay & no disappearing sweetie.
Kahlia, wow that sucks about your cooker =[ Hope they find what they need real fast :)

*cuddles everyone*

sorry for no individuals, but i am thinking of you all :).

feeling really bad atm, its like everything is in slow motion, but really loud. i want to be angry, i dont know what at, but in my head i know i need to be angry, but for some reason i am unable to. sorry if this is making no sense... i am shaking as well, so if there are a load of spelling mistakes, i apologise. going to see my cpn in an hour, think i might be going back in hoaspital... oh well, if it helps...

sorry everyone is feeling so down at the moment, i have read all the messages but my brain cant seem to function to write the replies.

anyways, if i do go hospital, i willl write when i get out, or if not, i shall post later.

*sends loves and hugs to everyone who wants and needs them*

steph x

*hugs all wardmates*

Am going to crash for the night because it's been a long and stressful day but just wanted to tell you all that I'm thinking of you and sending you *gentle caring hugs* if you are able to accept them and *safe love and care packages* where needed. You are all beautiful and brilliant people and are loved deeply. Please take care of yourselves because you would be missed deeply should anything untoward happen to any of you,

*Hugs Taz* Ohh did getting your wisdom teeth out hurt , I hope your mouth feels better soon :)

*Hugs Oliver* Yey! I'm glad they let you be who you are at the orchestra :)

*Hugs April* I'm sorry you got triggered by that book but it's GOOD that you dont'c want to hurt yourself :)

*Hugs Heather*I sometimes hate days of nothing but thinking so empathise with you there :S

*Hugs Kahlia* I hope your Oven and e-mail get sorted soon :)

*Hugs Steph* good luck with your CPN.

*Hugs Laura ,I'm sorry you are so stressed , Please try not to cut:( You are a wonderful person .

*spots April and Oliver* :)

:crying:

I just want to disappear...

Sorry about no individuals, feel like a lame wardie. :(

*Huge Hugs April* Are you okay?

*lurks*

Kat!!:) Hi *Hugs* How are you ?

Hi Kat :D

No, tbh, I'm not okay. I had a really bad flashback-y night last night & the feelings are still somewhat with me. My r/v has more about it in it. :( I just feel so damn alone and scared... I'm at my parents' right now to avoid a stupid realtor lady (the one that was supposed to come and didn't, and then tried to get in without knocking awhile ago)... because she's not very nice and 3 other tenants have complained about her other than us!!! So yeah. Anyway. At least I'm somewhere with other people, although I can't play WoW here *insert sad face* ahahaha... :-X

*hides in the warren & rips up paper*

*Hugs April* I'm sorry that book triggered you like it did :( and the realtor woman doesn't sound like a person you should need to deal with right now , I can't beleive she tried to let herself in!! Hmmm * Finds in the warren and sits with *

*curls up next to Mark and tries to feel better* :( Yeah, I really don't need to deal with the realtor lady, she is really nasty and all. Soo... it was either stay home with the lights off (lol) or come to my parents' place where there would be other people home to "ground" me if I got spacy... so I chose parents' house. Wise choice I think, although it's going to be difficult to find things to do until this afternoon. Heh. Oh well.

I hate SA stuff. I just want to disappear... :'(

*hugs everyone*

I kinda hate everything about uni and classes and scheduling and running across campus.

*runs in freaking out and yelling*
I havent been this anxious in a really really long time. Going to take my test in about an hour. Wish me luck.

I'll do individuals later, hopefully afterward the test when my nerves have calmed.

Good luck Laura *cuddles*

I'm seriously over today. Have been since 3am. Can we just skip the next 23 hours or so please? To 3pm tomorrow??? I'm ****ing exhausted, today keeps getting worse and on top of everything else, it's not what I need. I'm so ****ing triggered. I actually feel ready to explode.

*hides and cries*

*cuddles Laura & Hels* Sorry both of you feel like utter crap. I can empathize. Wish there were summat I could do to help you because I definitely would. :(

*cuddles Felicia* I can understand why you'd hate it, but remember, you only have a year or two left (sorry can't remember your year :-X). Then FREEDOM (and a job... ick, haha). Sorry I'm not more helpful right now, head's kinda in the clouds.

My mum & I just made up a huuuge batch of sugar cookies. It was a "together-thing," just me and her, so it was fun, but I'm scared that I'm going to be bingeing on the cookies once I get home, as we're doing halves on the batch. :(

Just want to disappear, ****ing disappear, make it all goooooo away. :'(

*hugs April tightly*

*hugs everyone*
forgot to mention I was changing my user name
<-- see?--

glad you got to be yourself this trip Oliver :)

*offers April hugs n plushies*Sorry you'r having flashbacks and feeling crap...

hope your computer and oven get worked out soon Kahlia

that's all the indiv. i was going to do that i can remember atm... sorry.

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Laura* Good luck with your test !:)

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Crimson*

*cuddles Crimson & Mark*

I am so exhausted. It's ridiculous really. I took a nap - about an hour long, little less - and am still so damn drowsy. I hate it. :(

Thanks Crimson, for the support. *takes plushie and snuggles it* Why'd you change your username? j/w. :) And how are you doing?? haven't written much lately... which is fine, just curious as to how things are going. And Mark, how are you today??

So... silly me... read another book... and got triggered again... STUPID ****ING SA ****!!!!!!!! *deep breath out, whoosh* Sorry... it's just really really starting to get on my nerves. :'(

*hides where no one can find her*

Updated r/v again... :'(

*hugs April* I'll read your r/v in a minute.

So.. I got my major uni problem fixed. (My 9 AM class professor threatened to drop me from his class, which I need, cause my 8 AM professor lectured over her time, and I was late to my 9 AM class. Very triggering morning...) So... I'm done with class today and have the most daunting pile of work I've seen. Must. Get. Motivation.
Also, I had a boundaries talk with my roomie and feel exponentially better about being around her. yay!

*Hugs Felicia* I'm glad you feel better after talking to your roommate , Wow 8 am classes! *Wishes you motivation* :)

*cuddles Hels & Laura* How are you both doing now? Laura, how was your exam??

*cuddles Kat* How've you been doing, love?

Ugh, so hot and sticky here... (am back home now)... it's so NASTY. >_< Or maybe, I'm the one that's nasty... I don't know. :(

Did my "I don't want to thing of the day" - called an auto shop to schedule my car for an inspection and an oil change. Tomorrow afternoon. Woohoo. :-/ I have to go alone as well because my husband is off at work. Now THAT is going to be a hoot. >_< Not. If anything is wrong with her I'll be needing to call him because I won't have a flying **** what they're talking about. Hah.

So sorry about my language lately, apparently when things go badly I start swearing more?? I really don't know, and it's only on here... and in my LJ. :(

*Hugs April* Well done for calling the car place and good luck with it tommorow . I just read your R/V thread and am sorry you got triggered :( <3 you

I have to have Lithium bloods taken tomorrow morning , Great I get to show off my scars to a new nurse ugh I HATE showing my arms/legs .

Then in the afternoon I have to do a CBT based lifstyle model with my usual nurse which I'm anxious about . SO umm thats tomorow for me Hmmm.