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-   -   The trouble with meaning well *suicide* (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255951)

Margo 28-05-2019 11:38 AM

The trouble with meaning well *suicide*
Iíve been good the past 3 years. Happy for the first time in many. Thereís a lot going on now. New job, getting married, huge living decision to be made also.

I havenít been right since December. I know Iíve been low level depressed since then. However itís the kind of depressed that you just get on with and accept because, after all, Iíve felt much Much worse.

Last few weeks have been bad. Really bad. No sh thoughts but strong suicidal thoughts. Stronger than most Iíve felt.
Only reason itís stop is my partner and the dog. I just canít do that to them.

She called the doc and made an appointment. I went and now Iím being referred to the mht again.

Iíve been free of mh services for just over 3 years now promising Iíd never return.

Friend said today to just focus on all the positive in my life. Friends who donít understand do that donít they. Just look on the bright side. Youíve GOT TO focus on the good stuff. You know itís just x or y.

Somehow itís the things like that that hurt most. They hurt because they make you feel like youíre a failure for not seeing the light. For not seeing itís just an email or just a conversation to have. Thereís nothing to be frightened of and so on.

Docs again in 20 mins. So low. So full of anxiety and weird paranoid thoughts.

No where else to say this.

Failing hard. Yet again

Zurg 28-05-2019 10:00 PM

Matt, it's not failure when things happen that are beyond your control.

Maybe it's the pressure of all the great things that are happening. Maybe it's not. Finding out exactly why it happens isn't always helpful or the key to the solution though.

You need to talk about this. Not just the general feelings but all the really bad amd nasty and ugly stuff too. Sometimes talking about it can help lessen the grip it has on you. I for one, am glad you are getting referred to services again. They helped you before and maybe they can help you again. I hope so!!!!

You are trying. That is the most important thing.

Eir 07-06-2019 06:14 PM

*belated hugs*
I hope things have improved.
The system sucks pretty much the word over. I hope you landed a case worker who cares at least.
Take care

Margo 01-08-2019 02:22 AM

Kat and Annie

Thank you. I went to the mht with the knowledge I was not going back into the system again. CPN was nice. He understood. He was shocked and amazed I’d been so ill for so long. Said if not had the right treatment and intimated the treatment I’d had was helping prolong and enable the depression.
We both agreed I didn’t need to be put back into the system.

Ups and downs again. Never fully up and never fully down. Still I end up In my safe dark place over and over again. Still I daydream of it all blacking out and the torture ending.

The doc was lovely at the follow up. I tried hard to explain that what many would find disturbing I just find normal now. Like living with chronic pain or something, you just get used to normal pain. I think she understood.

The follow up letter from the mht spoke of how insightful I was. Said positive things about me. That was ok.

I’m at the stage now where I’ll just keep quiet. I guess I have to make do. Im not normal but I’m ok. I very rarely feel truly happy. It is seldom I am ever excited.

I’d love to feel like I’m worth something.

Margo 02-08-2019 10:16 PM

Wow. Bang. Just like that. The thoughts. They aren’t scary. They make all the sense. I whispered them to the dog. Then laughed. Right now it’s all I want.

Slip 06-08-2019 06:12 PM

I think you’re worth the world my wonderful penguin x

Margo 06-08-2019 06:57 PM


Originally Posted by Slip (Post 4232288)
I think youíre worth the world my wonderful penguin x

:rose: :rose: :rose:

Zurg 06-08-2019 09:45 PM

Matt, i can't say whether it will get better. I can't promise you that you will one day leave all the pain and hurt behind and never return to it. But the hope is there as long as you keep trying. As long as you keep going. Maybe it seems pointless but i hope you can find the strength inside to keep trying to make life better and more bearable for yourself. The way i see it, some people struggle through their entire lifetime but it's not the struggles and their hardship that define them but more their courage and strength because they kept trying. There is hope in just getting up to face another day.

Maybe you need something that is radically different that what the ordinary system of mental health can offer. Maybe you need to think about what makes life menaningful for you, what is important to you. It's so easy to think and feel we're not worth anything and then of course, our lives lose purpose and direction. But being lost doesn't make you a lost cause.

Margo 08-08-2019 09:45 PM

Thank you Kat.

Saw the doc today for another checkup. Said I feel flat and at a constant low level but I also said I’m so used to it there is no point in worrying.

I just feel more lost every day these days. I’m not sure why I’m even here. I literally get no enjoyment from anything at the moment. I just plod on and on.

I know I need to change. I just wish I could remove these shackles that make everything seem such an effort right now

Mandimoo 17-08-2019 09:12 PM

Hey Matt, you are worth worrying about. Lots of stuff going on for you, be kind to yourself xxx

pugdog 25-08-2019 07:27 PM


I can totally relate to what you're feeling. You are able to write it down very well, im terrible at explaining how i feel to others. I hope everything goes well for you. Im not on here very often, its nice to recognize some familiar people on here.

Take care


Zurg 25-08-2019 08:35 PM

When you say that you need to change, it makes me feel like you're actually saying that feeling like this is your own fault, that youíre somehow chosen it above feeling okay. That puts an awful lot of pressure and guilt on yourself which is undeserved. I don't think you would choose to feel like this.

I know kindness towards yourself and selfcare are very far from you right now so i'll just leave you with an excercise my psychologist asked me to do as often as i remember. The thing is to just ask yourself every now and then ďwhat do i want right now and what do i need??Ē When we hate ourselves compulsively we learn to ignore our wants and needs. A small act of selfcare can be to ask yourself what you need right now. Checking in on your needs and acknowlegding their existence. You don't have to act on them but to get back to basics it can be a good excercise to do.

Sorry if my reply was useless. You matter to a lot of people, Matt. Itíd be so tragic to lose you to an illness that really only wants to destroy you <3

Margo 07-09-2019 12:09 AM

Hey Brian. Nice to see you too :)

Thanks Kat. I know what you mean and,yes, I do blame myself 100%. Spoke to my therapist last week who said I don’t ever aim my anger outwardly and always aim it inwardly. She was 100% correct. I get angry about things and just swallow it all in and turn it against myself. I’m always to blame regardless.

Having a terrible day today. One where even breathing is an effort. I managed to walk the dog and walk for 6 miles but it didn’t really help. Well I say it didn’t help but it didn’t make me feel any worse. All of me aches. I just feel like everything from years back is returning again. I have the doctors next week again for a checkup. I don’t want to tell her how bad things are because I was told that the next step will be a meds’ review. I can’t change now as there’s so much going on over the next 7 weeks.

I just wish I could wake up as a totally different person. I loath myself. I really do. Stupid f**king head.

Margo 18-09-2019 12:50 PM

Doc doubled my quetiapine dose. Added beta blockers too. Now I’m pillar boxed into some weird dullness. Still struggling and feel a failure for having to go through all this again. Putting this here as I’ve no where else to say it.

pugdog 24-09-2019 02:41 PM

*hugs* i know how much of a pain it is for meds to become ineffective, and going through the process of finding another combo to marginally help. It's not your fault they lose effect. I hope things get better for you soon. Again, i can relate to how you feel, you are not alone.

-brian :smurf:

Margo 02-12-2019 01:30 AM


Originally Posted by pugdog (Post 4239396)
*hugs* i know how much of a pain it is for meds to become ineffective, and going through the process of finding another combo to marginally help. It's not your fault they lose effect. I hope things get better for you soon. Again, i can relate to how you feel, you are not alone.

-brian :smurf:

Thanks Brian. I hope youíre ok! Iím sorry youíre still having struggles too. You kinda hope all the old timers are all doing well.

Kat if you see this get in touch. Iíd like to know how youíre doing.

Iím failing. Iím stuck in an endless loop. I canít seem to get out of it either. My brain just doesnít work properly.

I keep thinking more and more about making marks. Iíve not done it for years now.

Are miracles possible?

Margo 01-03-2020 01:02 AM

Going through it again. **** my stupid head! Tried to open up to some people but although I help them with all their stuff they don’t really want to listen. I guess when you’re seen as the "helper" it freaks people out to find that your struggling yourself. Not surprising really but it still hurts. Finding myself closing down. What’s the point in telling people when, I dunno, no one can help anyway.

Things are pretty bad in my head. I go to bed every night and pray I don’t wake up or pray I wake as someone totally different.

People say nice things but if you don’t believe them yourself then they mean very little. I don’t mean that to sound ungrateful just truthful.

Considering referring myself again. Terrified of going through it all again. Brain flu. Lonely. So ****ing lonely.

Unbreakable. 01-03-2020 02:52 AM

I think getting some support is a good idea.

It is really frustrating to get better just to get worse again, I can relate to that.

~JellyBaby~ 01-03-2020 10:03 AM

Hi Matt,

You may or may not remember me - I'm Amy, I was around a *long* time ago (previously ToLiveIsToLoveThePain).

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling again. You're right - it is particularly hard if you're known as 'the helper' particularly because people don't always support you in the way you have supported them and certainly for me this leads to lots of self-critical thought and questions about myself. But its important to see that for what it is - their stuff. Like you said, whether the role change just freaks them out, or whether they feel really unsure what to say or whatever the reason, it doesn't mean anything about you, or even about how much they care.

What it does do though is leave you unsupported. Which is ****. And does hurt. But try not to close down, there are people who want to help, who have shared experience of mental health problems, who have some idea of how desperately awful you feel.

Of course its difficult to believe the good stuff people say right now; for me when I get low something like the opposite of rose tinted glasses sets up camp in my brain - like a grey filter - everything is negative, no one means the good stuff, or they're really saying something else, or I'm a dreadfully **** person but they're just being polite people trying to spare my feelings.

It is no wonder you feel stuck and have thoughts of escape, but try to stick in there long enough to get some help. I think making yourself a referral and getting some support is a great idea - though I know you won't be able to hear this right now - you deserve for things to be better than this, no one deserves misery.

When do you think you can get to some support? How can you get there? Do you need to take a supportive person with you? Focus on the practicalities, make it as easy on yourself as you can, one baby step at a time, towards feeling different than this.

Keeping you in my thoughts - keep us posted x

Margo 15-03-2020 09:37 PM

Thank you Unbreakable and thank you Amy. I kinda remember the name but there were so many Amys and Aimees that I don’t really remember. Terrible because I think I’ve forgotten so many people from here.

I can relate to all you say Amy because I feel the same. Now with corona we all have a new worry and focus. I’m a bit numb about the whole things right now I think. OH wants me to try ACT Therapy. She’s spoke to colleagues and one is a clinical psych and he thinks it may be right for me. I need to get the guts to refer even though I know with all that’s going on right now I probably won’t be seen till quite some time.

I just feel useless most of the time. Like I’m a leach and a malingerer. I feel I have nothing to give anyone. I know inside that if I can start giving to myself things will change. whe the voice I your head constantly tricks you and tells you how useless you are it’s really hard to hear the words of others. It makes me feel like people just want to placate. Even though I seldom ever tell anyone how I feel it makes me feel like all I do is moan to the world.

Thank you for listening xx

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